It was horrible.

Every time I'd managed to talk myself into moving out of our room, I wouldn't have the guts to go through with it.

It made me sick, that I could be so indecisive.

It was interesting, what happened at the club, though, a few days after I had stopped skipping it.

Kyouya had told all of my patrons that I had been taking a few days off for my health, which is essentially true, but I had one hell of a reception when I returned. There were gifts and cards and smiles that I hadn't expected. Even Suki was there, though her smile was a bit smaller than the rest.

But that wasn't the interesting part.

Apparently, Haruhi and my brother were in the middle of some little tiff, so they weren't sitting together. But instead of Hikaru and me running our old act, Haruhi was the one who was waiting for me at my table, wearing a semi-apologetic smile.

"Hey Kaoru," she said quietly.

"Haruhi. What's going on?" The question inside of there was, 'Why isn't my brother over here?'

"Well, I thought you could use some company, and your brother is being a douche-bag." The answer was, 'He doesn't want to come over here, so I came instead.

"Oh. I see. Well, ladies, it seems Haruhi will be joining us today. Please treat him kindly."

"But…Kaoru…he took Hikaru away from you!"

Haruhi nearly choked on her tea, and I patted her back lightly.

"But he makes Hikaru happy. If Haruhi is what makes him happy, then I will love him, too."

A chorus of 'Awwww's rang out, and Haruhi beamed at me. I tried to return the smile, but I couldn't quite make my face pay attention to my brain.

"Kaoru, what do you like to do during storms?"

"Storms are my favorite! I love to sit in the window and watch the lightening and feel the thunder shake our mansion…Haruhi? Are you okay?"

"I hate storms…" she grimaced. I laughed, and so did my guests. Maybe we weren't as nice as we seemed to poor, oblivious Haruhi.

I just wished that Suki would look happier.

I had formally apologized for my treatment of her that day. Shouldn't she be over it by now?

But she loved me. I knew how much the actions of those you cared about hurt you, especially when you thought that they were only toying with you.

Wait…

Was that it?

Did she really think that?

Maybe she really assumed that I was only pretending with her…

It wasn't that I loved her like I loved Hikaru, but it wasn't as if I didn't care about her at all. I wanted for her to be happy, and I wanted to not be the focus of her affection, but I didn't mind being so.

I only wanted for her to be happy.

That was all.

All I wanted was for Hikaru to be happy, too.

I just wanted for him to be happy with me. Because of me. Not because of my pain, or because of my one-sided affection for him.

Was that how Suki felt about me?

But it was different.

So different.

…Wasn't it?

As Haruhi and I handled the club duties, I noticed Hikaru glancing over at the two of us a lot. It made me nervous, especially when I saw the look in his eyes. He was hurt. Jealous.

…Vicious.

It made me cringe. I knew what he was planning to do with me from the look in his eyes.

"Haruhi, don't you think you should go over to Hikaru?" I asked her at the end of the Club.

"Why? He's perfectly fine of taking care of himself, as he's made abundantly clear."

"I don't know what you two are arguing about, but is it really this important? Important enough to risk your relationship over?" I was getting desperate, grasping at words I'd only heard on outdated shows. "He really cares about you. He talks to me about you, and I can tell…he really loves you. Please, forgive him. He really wants to apologize, but he doesn't like to admit that he's wrong. He just wants for you two to go back to normal."

Normal…please, let it go back to normal.

'I'd rather have him ignore me. I'd rather barely matter to him…this is horrible. I can't take this torture anymore…please let it all work out. Let Kyouya be right!' I silently pleaded her.

"He really cares about you, too," she said. I blinked, gawking at her. "He talks about you all the time. You're really upsetting him, lately. He's very…worried about you." Her eyes were sad and caring. "I am, too."

This time, I did manage to smile at her.

"Don't bother. I'm fine. I really can take care of myself. Besides, I've always been the responsible one. I'm used to it by now."

"It doesn't matter if you're used to it or not; you must be lonely, by yourself all the time."

"Well, in any case, it's going to storm tonight. Do you really want to stay mad at him?" Now I was playing dirty, and I knew it. She turned bright red and looked down. "Don't worry about me, so much." I hugged her loosely, turning to leave.

"Kaoru?" Haruhi called after me. I looked over my shoulder. She was smiling and waving. "Be safe going home."

"…You too."

"Suki, would you like to come home with me, today?" I asked her.

As reluctant as she seemed, she replied, "Sure. Will Hikaru and Haruhi be there?"

"I'm not sure. I don't think so."

But I was wrong. That afternoon, Suki, Haruhi, Hikaru, and I all rode home together. It was awkward, to say the least. I kept my eyes away from all of them, and they all tried to strike up conversation. Every attempt failed.

We all sat inside, sipping at our tea. Haruhi and Hikaru were chatting in an undertone, and Suki had her eyes trained on the ground. It was all very uncomfortable.

"Well…" I said, causing everyone to look at me. "What should we do? I mean, we could do a double date, or something…"

"I feel like talking." Both girls agreed with him, teaming up on me. "Kaoru, I think we all need to know a few things."

I suddenly realized just why Suki had agreed to this; she meant for all of them to team up on me.

"Hikaru…I'm fine. There's nothing to talk about," I sniffed, crossing my arms.

"Kaoru, stop it. Tell me why Kyouya keeps looking at me like I'm some sort of felon."

"Maybe because of all the trouble you've been causing him lately!" Hikaru only looked more confusedly at me. "Your entire relationship with Haruhi has been a complete nuisance…for everyone!" They both looked slightly uncomfortable, and Haruhi looked away.

"I…I don't know what you mean."

"Hikaru, Tamaki is furious with Kyouya for 'letting' you and Haruhi be together. Don't you know how everyone around you feels? Are you aware of human emotion at all? Are you so dense that you never realized their feelings for her?" My voice was frigid, and every word made my brother flinch. I felt some satisfaction in knowing that I was finally getting through to him.

"That's not…I'm talking about you! I know you went to Kyouya's that day. What did you talk about?!"

"Nothing, really. We were just hanging out. I didn't tell you about it because I knew you'd be a jealous ass about it."

"But…oh, come on! Do you really expect me to believe that…Well, why won't you look me in the eye ever? You never look at me anymore!"

"And I wonder why that is," I snarled, standing up and glaring at him. "I'm sure Haruhi would be thrilled to know whatever I'm sure you're thinking about right now." I grabbed Suki by the wrist and dragged her up to my room, trembling violently.

"Kaoru?" she asked quietly. "Are you sure it was alright to say that to him? It was rather cruel…he is your brother."

"It's fine. Haruhi can comfort him now."

"You're so…cold. It's like I don't know you anymore…"

I wanted to shout at her, to tell her every horrible thing Hikaru had done to me, but I couldn't form the words. I sat down on my bed, covering my face with my hands, and apologized.

"I told them to come back here with us," she said, sitting beside me. "I want you to talk out everything with us."

"There's nothing more to say."

Suki wouldn't have that. She took my hands away from my face and looked at me carefully.

"DO you love me?" she whispered, fingers trembling around mine. I smiled sadly, holding her hands more conventionally.

"Of course I do."

"Kiss me." I obeyed, pressing my lips against hers. But as I pulled back, she freed her hands, placing them at the base of my neck, keeping us together. Her tongue forced its way into my mouth, and I balked, stunned at first by such a taste, but before I could decide if I liked it or not, the door opened.

I wrenched my head away fro the girl to gaze into the soft golden eyes of my twin. They were swiftly hardening.

"Oh, sorry to interrupt," he muttered, continuing to stand there glaring at us. "Yes, Hikaru? Did you need something?"

"We need to talk, Kaoru."

I frowned, but turned to Suki.

"I suppose Hikaru and I must discuss this. Please go keep Haruhi company."

She looked hurt, but complied, kissing my cheek in defiance before leaving. She didn't look at Hikaru on her way out. He waited a moment before crossing the room to sit where Suki had been a minute earlier.

He wasted no time in getting to the point.

"Kaoru…what happened to us? We used to be able to talk about…anything, but now…" he closed his eyes in frustration. "Now I don't even know who you are! Did I do something wrong? I thought I was doing what you wanted!"

"No you don't, Hikaru. You were doing what you wanted, and you know it!" I shot back. He reached out his hand towards my face, but I grabbed it and shoved it back down. I was glowering at him in such anger, such sadness, that he looked away.

"I…didn't realize that you hated me so much." His voice was so miserable, so utterly lost, that I lost focus for just a split second, which was all he needed. He had derailed my anger, and I let my guard down.

"What're you…I don't hate you, Hikaru—I Can't! I l—" but I was cut off by a huge crash of thunder. We both froze…tensed…and looked at each other.

"Haruhi," he murmured at the same time that I said, "Go." He gave me a look of gratitude—with a hint of regret—and dashed off to comfort his most precious person. I balled up my hands into fists as I pretended that I wasn't alone, and I nearly failed to notice Suki walking back in.

"Kaoru? Are you all right? Did Hikaru yell at you?"

"Suki? I thought you'd be leaving. Isn't your father worried about you?"

"Probably. I just needed to make sure you were okay. Are you?" She was crouching in front of me, hands on my knees. I smiled down at her, trying to make it convincing.

"Please don't worry about me," I whispered, pecking her cheek quickly. "Go home. I don't want you to get into trouble because of me." She nodded despondently, trudging to the door.

"I…love you. See you on Monday."

'It is Saturday, isn't it?' I wondered. 'No school tomorrow.' As soon as Suki was gone, I shut off the alarm on the clock, catching the time. It was almost nine o' clock, but it felt a lot later. I decided that I would just give up and go to sleep.

As I lay down, there was another crash of thunder. I wondered absently what Hikaru and Haruhi would do tonight. It occurred to me that it would be too late to take her home once the storm was over. I shrugged it off, rolling over. She would obviously just stay in a guest room. Hikaru wouldn't be so idiotic as to drive her home in the dead of night.

I then wondered if Hikaru would stay with her.

I had never slept well without Hikaru beside me, the few times it ha happened.

"It doesn't matter," I mumbled to myself, willing to fall asleep, but the words of my fake dream rang in my head.

'You left me for Haruhi.'

It hadn't been a dream at all.

It hadn't even been a lie.

It was late when he came in.

"Kaoru?" he called softly.

"—karu? Whassa' matter?"

He crawled into bed, pulling me into him. His body felt cold against mine.

"Hikaru?"

"I ca never sleep right without you here...here with me."

I pushed against him, running my hand over his bare arm, trying to warm him up.

"You're freezing cold," I complained.

"You're so warm," he murmured back. "Don't…don't stop."

I obeyed, rubbing his arm, his hest, his cheek…I couldn't help myself; I wanted him to be happy. I want ed to feel his skin under my fingers. I needed for us to be closer…

Closer…

Too close.

I caressed his jaw with my fingertips, leaning ever closer to his stony body. I wanted to make him warm.

"Mm…Kaoru…that's better." He capture my wrists, pulling them so that I was embracing his waist. "You were right, Kaoru. I made you do those things for me. I love being like this." Hikaru's hands were on my neck, forcing me to meet his eyes. "You so adorable like this. I…I'm sorry…about everything. Especially those bruises. You're so fragile, little brother."

I made him stop talking by pulling him closer and burying my face in his chest. What I would have given for the moment to last.

I really wanted to believe Hikaru, but I had lost all trust for him. I couldn't stand hearing him say those things to me anymore.

Those useless, empty words.

It wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I held him firmly to my body, molding our images together in my mind. Tonight, Hikaru belonged to me, and not even he himself could take that away from me.