It wasn't so bad after that.

Hikaru never took out those frustrations on me.

I never asked him to be serious.

I really wanted everything to go back to normal.

I was getting more and more accustomed to being alone, as Suki had better things to do, all of a sudden. She would make up excuses to miss even Host Club, and I felt the rejection. I couldn't help but feel responsible for it, as it was most likely because of that stormy night.

As much as I missed her, it was really for the best. She needed to be supported by someone, not just standing next to me. I was glad that she finally realized it too.

Instead of moping around like I used to when Hikaru wasn't with me, I had begun a life of my own. I found that I really liked amusement parks, and I spent my Sundays out searching for new thrills. It never ceased to humor me that the Outside had done something right.

My favorites were the Huis Ten Bosch in Nagasaki and the Fujikyu Highlands in Yamanashi. Ferris Wheels had to be the best invention ever, though. Each time I found something that I thoroughly enjoyed, though, I would wish that Hikaru were there with me, to tell me how ridiculous I was to get so excited over something so simple as falling fast.

It was just such a thrill to be an inch away from death with no control over it myself. Every drop, every heart stopping feat made me so joyful…such thrill seeking couldn't be right.

I had turned into an adrenaline junkie, and it felt amazing.

"Kaoru?" one of the girls asked one day. I was laughing, and I turned to look at her. "Do you still feel lonely?"

"No, I'm fine. I never realized how to be alone before—as I never had to—but it really is quite enjoyable." My smiles were genuine, my drama for my brother lost. I fell out of Kyouya's assigned character, finally able to breathe by myself. It now seemed that my twin was suffering. I was no longer an outlet for his frustrations, and while I was fine with that, his relationship with Haruhi seemed to be suffering. Outbursts were often heard from their table, and they weren't always that of fan-joy. It made me sad in passing that my brother couldn't be as happy as I was.

"What do you do by yourself?" another girl asked.

"I really like Ferris Wheels," I admitted shyly. The girls giggled, and one of them squealed.

"Do you go on all alone? I'd love to go with you sometime!" another said happily.

"I would love your company," I replied, touching her cheek lightly, causing more cries of glee.

It wasn't until after the club that Kyouya confronted me.

"Your new character is overlapping with Tamaki's," he frowned, referring to his notebook. "He's losing customers."

"Yes, Kaoru! You must tone it down!" the king cried, taking my hands. "The princesses are dissatisfied with our efforts! Please, take back your brother! Let us all return to normal! Our family is suffering greatly! Please take Daddy's pain away, my precious son! Hurry!" He shoved me toward my brother. "Hurry! Hurry!"

"Milord, you're not making any sense," we both said at the same time. We both looked at each other in shock, but smiled simultaneously.

Perhaps it could be salvaged, our lost relationship.

"Tamaki, please contain whatever nonsensical babbling that has begun to spill out," Haruhi reprimanded him. Hikaru looked down, and I shrugged.

"Haruhi, my daughter, doesn't it bother you that everyone thinks you're gay? My daughter…a homosexual…"

"Chill out, Dad. Mom will take care of this," Kyouya interrupted. "Haruhi, what is that ring you're wearing?"

"What? Oh, Hikaru got it for me two days ago."

"You need to think about things like that before you just wear it. It clashes with your costume for tomorrow; please don't wear it then."

"So what? It was a present. I'm not going to not wear it, just because you say so!"

"Haruhi, you're being unreasonable. Please, just do what I say. It's only tomorrow, anyway; what's the big deal?"

"…sorry." She hung her head, looking miserable.

"Why are you two being so weird?" I couldn't help but ask. Neither of them answered, but my question dragged the entire club against them.

"Are you two fighting again?" Hunny asked from Mori's shoulder. "You should eat a cake."

"No, we're fine."

"You don't seem 'fine'. Do you two need to take a break from hosting together? Hikaru can go back with Kaoru…we can make big money from it…"

"What about costumes tomorrow? You've already got them, and they're fitted." I tried to be the voice of reason.

"It doesn't matter, I got extra costumes, just in case something happened."

"So, everyone was expecting us to fight? Is that it?" Hikaru demanded, beginning to get pissed.

"No, not really. I always order extras, you know, so that even if there's a problem, we have a spare." Kyouya shrugged, writing something down. "It never hurts to be prepared…for any circumstance."

"Well…Anyways, I'll be wearing Kaoru's costume? What is it?"

We were all going to be hosting a British-style tea party. My character was a young governor. Hikaru and Haruhi were originally going to be visiting counts, but now I supposed Haruhi would be taking that role alone. I wondered in passing just how our roles would work out.

But it wasn't my problem.

Sighing, I turned back to Kyouya.

"Is that all? I'd like to get home early."

"Go ahead," he dismissed me with a wave of his hand, as he was already focusing on other things. I bobbed out quickly, eager to plan my next excursion.

Anything to block the impending idea of spending intimate time with Hikaru the next day.

As I reached the staircase, I spotted Suki. I almost called out to her, but then I noticed an arm around her waist and a smile on her face.

Don't get me wrong, I was glad for her, but…

But…

She didn't need me anymore.

No one in the world truly needed me anymore.

I turned around, accepting that Suki probably wouldn't return to the Host Club.

I accepted that I couldn't think about her anymore.

I walked past the music room, not even thinking about anyone inside.

It was as if, all of a sudden, I was the only part of the Inside world. It felt so lonely, but also so exclusive, as if I were better than the rest of the world…

But did I want that?

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

It was late. We were in bed, comfortably apart, and yet…

"Will we be like we used to?" He paused, trying to say something.

"What are you talking about?" I rolled towards him, shocked to find him far closer than I had first assumed he would be.

"At the club. Will we be able to act like before?"

"…No. No, Hikaru," I whispered sadly. "There's no going back to that."

"But…everyone loves that act."

'I was never acting.' "I know. But it won't work now."

"Why not? It would be easy! I'm positive we could still do it!"

'I'm not. I would crack. I can't keep up with you anymore.' "I don't think it would be the same. What about Haruhi? The guests would protest."

"What? It's always been 'forbidden'. Wouldn't my being with Haruhi just add to it?"

'Of course it would! Hikaru, you idiot! I love you! I can't get anything right around you! I only feel right when we're together!' "Hikaru, I don't think you understand."

"…I'm sorry."

We grabbed each other's hands, pulling them up between our faces.

"I don't want you to apologize."

"Then what do you want?"

'Everything. Nothing. You.' "I want us to go back to normal."

"And we can, if you just let this happen!"

'I can't do it, Hikaru! Don't put such faith in me!' "I don't think it's that simple." I squeezed his hands lightly.

"Well, it should be! What's the problem? Why can't we do it? Are you scared of what Haruhi would think of it? Cuz' she knows it's just pretend. She won't be bothered by it!"

'Just an act, isn't it? Well, fine…but those words…' I couldn't trust myself to speak, though I tried a few times before giving up.

"Kaoru, I just want to…to apologize for all those…those things I did to you. I know that they hurt you and confused you. I…I want to try to start things over with you, with Haruhi being a part of our lives. I was wondering if…if the four of us could double date again this weekend, at one of those theme parks you keep disappearing to. It'd be…fun."

"Four of us?"

"Us, Haruhi, and Suki."

"Oh. Suki." I felt my stomach turn over at the mention of her name. "We're not…together anymore." We never were in the first place.

"Oh. Did she break up with you?"

"Not…exactly."

"Well, what happened?"

I took my hands back, rolling away from him. "I don't want to talk about it." He wasn't dissuaded, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back against his chest. I gasped at his warmth.

"Kaoru…you have to talk about your problems. What's going on with you?"

His breath hit my neck, causing me to shiver.

"L-let go! Hikaru!" I began hitting at his arms. He pulled them back, but slowly, stroking along my body, as if trying to torture me. He left his body where it was against mine, breathing against my hair. It was maddening. "There's nothing to say. She has someone else now."

"How could she choose someone else over you?"

"I don't know! Now, go to sleep!" I was beginning to get desperate, searching for anything to get him safely on the other side of the bed, and I was panicking. He was too close…

Too close…

I wouldn't be able to control myself soon.

"How could anyone choose anyone over my Kaoru?"

'Look at yourself, you hypocrite!' I wanted to shout those words at him—wanted to so fiercely—but I couldn't do it.

I couldn't say anything that would keep him away from me.

"Kaoru? Still there?" Hikaru's hand was now on my shoulder, squeezing it warmly.

"What about you and Haruhi?" I asked, and the effect was immediate. I had set an impenetrable barrier between us.

Haruhi.

I stifled a relieved sigh.

I was glad to escape, but the reminder of her presence in my brother's heart was like a skewer.

"Well…her dad still doesn't like me…she wants to take a break to calm him down. Well…you know how Ranka gets." I could see his sheepish, half-apologetic face in my mind. "He still likes Tamaki more than me."

I wanted to offer some form of consolation, but it wouldn't come out.

"I guess I'll always come second to milord…"

"Not for Haruhi!" I managed, choking around the words. "You'll always come first for her."

'And for me. You'll always, always be my number one.'

"Do you mean that?" Something in his voice made me look at him over my shoulder. My hand found his, and I rolled away from him to look him in the eye.

"Of course. She chose you, didn't she?"

"Only because I was the only one who offered. If he had said something to her first, she'd—" I covered his mouth with my free hand.

"Hikaru, you need to have more self-confidence. You're a really great person, you know. Everyone loves you for you, Haruhi included."

"…Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"…Will you be serious with me tonight?"

I was baffled, and almost tortured by the desperation in his voice.

"Why?"

"Because…I can't stand up on my own anymore."

"Idiot…you're never alone."

But I hesitated.

So much for his apology. Did he really even mean it? Was he playing with me again? Did he derive so much pleasure from watching me squirm?

But I caved.

I loved him, and he needed me; needed the reassurance…

Needed to know that I could never leave him.

I kissed him softly, trying to contain my own feelings, but this was different than the other times we had done things like this.

I was in control.

Hikaru would respond to my every move, every touch, with a noise or shudder. He didn't initiate anything, only basked in my attention.

I could have done anything, and he would have just taken it.

And what was there to stop me? If I didn't love him so much…

I ran my hands over his bare chest, my tongue deep in his mouth. He groaned appreciatively…

And then…

He took my hands and plunged them into his boxers.

I froze for a second, freeing our mouths.

"Hikaru…" We both gasped for air.

"Please, Kaoru. Please!"

"I…" I felt for a long while that I couldn't possibly strike up the fortitude to touch him in that way…I would lose myself in that way. There wouldn't be anything to stop it. I wouldn't be able to come back if he let me do this now. He wrapped his entire hands around mine, forcing my fingers to brush his large erection, and I mustered my will, grabbing it. He let go, shuddering in ecstasy. His forehead fell to my shoulder as I worked, and his panting came hard against my cheek. My own arousal warned me of what was about to happen when…

Hikaru came all over my hands.

He whimpered, entire body tensing.

I pulled my hands back, wiping them on the sheets. I knew at once that I had come with my twin, and I smiled at him cautiously. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing very heavily.

"Hikaru?"

He answered by pulling me on top of him. I curled slightly, positioning myself more comfortably on his chest.

"Goodnight, Kaoru."

"Goodnight."

For the first time in months, we fell asleep entwined, not bothering to wonder about what would happen in the morning.

Right before my dreams began, I heard a whisper.

"I love you."

I still don't know which of us said it.