The morning wasn't as awkward as it could have been.

Neither of us mentioned what had happened that night.

We just got ready for school, as per usual.

Even the ride in the car wasn't so bad. We kept light conversation about how much people were idiots, and how we should slip ice cubes in their shirts.

Today would be a good day.

Until…

The Club.

I had completely forgotten. I had no idea just how Hikaru was going to behave; what he'd want to do. I supposed I could play along, but could I keep up? After the previous night, I didn't think I could contain anything. I would just do my best not to let the club-members down.

Especially Hikaru.

"…and then Kaoru here ran all the way home, crying like a baby."

"Hikaru, I was only five! You were in trouble, and I was all alone…it was scary…" I unwittingly fell into my old character. I could feel his response coming and set down my cup, just in case.

"Don't worry, Kaoru. I'll be right next to you from now on!" He grabbed my face, making my monocle slide off. We were wearing odd black suits with gold lining on them, complete with monocles and top hats. Hikaru really hated hats, though, so he left his beside his chair. I caught Kyouya glancing at its new residence in contempt more than once.

"But…Hikaru, what about Haruhi? You two must be together…your happiness is enough to watch from a distance…"

"You'll always come first, Kaoru! I told you that last night!"

"Hikaru…"

It was easy. Some of the girls were happy with the 'reunion' bit. Others went to join Tamaki's table. Still others went to see Haruhi.

"Hikaru, the monocle is leaving a crease in your face." I pulled his head closer to mine and kissed the well-pronounced line around his eye. Squeals of joy to follow…now.

I loved the work, even though it was an act. It was a delight to know that Hikaru still needed me, what I could offer him.

Even after the club's work had finished, we kept at the act.

"What's with you two?" Tamaki asked eventually. "I thought Hikaru and Haruhi were all lovey-dovey and happy and…" He trailed off into his own little world.

"Just some nostalgia," I answered quietly. "It was fun, today."

"Is that all?" Kyouya smirked quietly. I glared at him, but Hikaru slipped his arm around my waist. Why deny it? I love Kaoru." Now Haruhi glared at him. I wordlessly removed his arm, taking a step away from my twin.

"That's enough, Hikaru. They're beginning to take us seriously."

"Now look what you've done!" Hikaru pretended to be angry with everyone else. I watched quietly as he went on about how 'fragile' my self-image was and how they all were crushing it.

Haruhi came to stand beside me, saying, "Let's take a walk."

I was taken aback, but also curious. What could she possibly want with me?

"We'll be leaving now," I told Kyouya, who nodded. Hikaru made to come with us, but Haruhi stopped him.

"I need to talk with Kaoru for a bit. Can we meet you at your car?"

Hikaru nodded slowly, happiness visibly dampening. I waved, he waved back, and Haruhi pulled me to walk beside her. Soon, we were in an empty classroom.

"Kaoru, I'm worried about him," she blurted, getting straight to the point as soon as the door closed.

"He's been rather depressed. He says your father doesn't like him. Is it true?"

"Well, sorta'…"

"He also said that he feels like he's coming second to Tamaki in everything—everyone." I paused, adding, "You."

"…What?"

"He thinks you're only with him because he openly likes you. He said you'd rather be with milord."

"That's…I mean…"

"Is that true? Are you toying with him to make Tamaki like you?"

"Of course not! That's absurd! I don't want Tamaki! I want the old Hikaru back! This Hikaru is…" She trailed off, looking down. "Today, he was happier than he'd been in weeks. I think that it's because of the Club…being with you. I think he's missed being with you."

"Haruhi, have you ever considered that…" I couldn't figure out how to say it. If I said it to her, she'd ask questions…but I'd already begun the question. I couldn't back out now. "…I mean, Hikaru isn't the most confident of people. He appears that way on the outside, but he has really low self-esteem. Maybe he just needs more…attention."

"I spend almost all of my time with him. How could I give him any more of my time?"

"I'm not talking about time," I said, feeling uncomfortable. "I'm talking about…well, more than kissing."

She blushed. I could see that she hadn't even considered doing what I had done with Hikaru.

"O-oh. Um…I mean…Wow."

"If you don't want to, then don't, but if you want to maintain a serious relationship with my brother…well, that's probably…yeah."

I felt horrible, mostly because if she did do things with him, he wouldn't need me anymore. But also…

I knew that if I didn't tell her this, she'd remain oblivious to these wants, and probably only figure it out after too late. They would fall apart, and I would feel responsible, at least in passing.

I wanted my brother to be happy, no matter what.

…Even without me.

Hikaru and Haruhi seemed happier together.

Kyouya had made it so that once a week, Hikaru and I played the brotherly-love act. Those nights, we would sleep embracing. I cherished those days.

But then…

Some nights, Hikaru didn't come home. I would see him the next morning as he grabbed a fresh uniform and changed in a flash without saying a word to me.

He and Haruhi had begun pursuing a more…well, a more physical relationship.

I was heartbroken.

So she had taken my advice.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I was growing bitter. Even roller coasters lost their thrill. I was losing my sense of feel, without Hikaru touching me.

I only felt alive those nights in his arms.

I knew the time would come when he stopped holding me, though. When he and Haruhi would share their own bed and have sex in it every night, making giant messes and basking in the glow of the other's love.

Speaking of messes…

I suppose I was a mess. I started hurting myself again, but only when Hikaru wasn't there at night.

I was punishing him by abusing my own body.

He didn't seem to notice.

I was more intelligent about it, though.

I would claw at my chest, carve on my stomach, the places no one would get to see.

I made sure that I was always wearing a long shirt, so as to hide behind the fabric.

No one would ever know.

But my favorite form of self-torture was to stand beneath the shower and alternate the temperature between icy cold and scalding hot.

The maids never asked about my screams. They would simply swoop in and collect the towels, leaving fresh ones behind.

How I hated the lack of concern.

"Kaoru?" a girl asked, pulling me out of my reverie.

"Yes?" It was break time in class. Hikaru and Haruhi were gone, and I knew they were making out in the hall somewhere.

'Figures.'

"Is Hikaru going to host with you today?"

"Yes, I think so. Why?" I stared deep into her brown eyes. "Do you like him better?" I teased.

But she surprised me by shaking her head.

"No, it's just that you look happier when he's with you. It's nice to see you like that." She laughed. "Sometimes, you just stare at him with this expression…

"It's like you're in love with him."

I froze as she said those words, feeling a very familiar set of eyes on me. An arm fell on my shoulders, pulling me into a body I knew far too well.

Hikaru drawled, "Of course he's in love with me. How could he not love someone as dashing as me?"

"Of course, Hikaru. The entire world is in love with you," Haruhi snorted, holding in too much laughter. The girl laughed too, walking back to her friends. I remained frozen against Hikaru's body.

"Earth to Kaoru! You awake?" he shouted, removing his arm and stepping back.

"I'm fine," I replied, immensely relieved that he didn't take what that girl had said seriously. "Just a bit tired."

"Then we'll go to bed early tonight." He and Haruhi walked away, immersed in some discussion about socks, but I was frozen again by Hikaru's kindness.

Was he really such a douche-bag after all?

'No, he is,' I amended, smiling as I sat down.

We were lying together, and I could smell him clearly. It was mind-blowing. My position on his body was a bit awkward, but neither of us moved.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I had sex with Haruhi."

"…I know."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Of course not, Hikaru."

'I'm only miserable, because you're able to be so open with your affection. I'm very happy for you, but don't ask me to express it.'

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I know you talked to Haruhi about…well…"

"…And?"

"Did you tell her about…about what we did?" His hold on me tightened, and I winced, feeling his nails through my shirt.

"No. I wouldn't do that, Hikaru." I felt horrible. Was he…ashamed?

"…Kaoru?" His grip loosened considerably.

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I'm…glad."

"…About what?"

"I'm so happy to be able to hold you like this again…"

I moved my hands to his shoulders, laying my cheek on his bare chest.

"…Me too."

"What do you want to do tomorrow? It's Sunday…we could go to your amusement park."

"…I don't feel up to it," I lied. "I don't think I'd be able to have very much fun."

"Okay, then. We can just stay in."

I couldn't help it. His arms felt so good around me. So warm…

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?" I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Why are you so cold?"

"I don't know."

"We used to always be the same…exactly the same. Why are we so different now?"

"Because people have started treating us like two different people."

"…Is it because of Haruhi?"

I didn't have an answer for him. I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Well, fine then. I guess I'll have to have sex with you, too."

I froze, all of my body tensing. My eyes flew open.

"What?!"

"I'm kidding," he murmured, a frown audible in his voice. "Geez, Kaoru…"

"Quit messing around!" I shouted, sitting up on top of him. "You're always—always—just screwing around with me!"

I couldn't help it.

He was so in my face about it…

So cruel…

"Kaoru…what's the matter with you?" He was shocked by my outburst. Obviously, he didn't take me seriously at all. "What's your problem?"

"You! You are my problem!" I raged, flinging myself off of him. I pulled on a robe and started pacing around. Hikaru rolled on his side to gaze at me in astonishment.

"Kaoru, take it easy. It was just a joke…"

"Hikaru, don't tell me what to do!"

"Why not? You always do what I tell you when we're being serious!"

And just like that…

I couldn't form any words. I just stood there, gaping soundlessly at this person…

This horribly beautiful person…

He was looking at me in indifference, but his eyes were horrified.

"Kaoru, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that…"

"Yes, you did."

And I stormed out, slamming the door after me.

I couldn't sleep.

I was in a strange wing in the house, moping.

Hikaru…

Hikaru…

Why? What could have made him be so mean to me? Why did I let it control my life?

Why did I need him so much?

In the morning, I rolled out of the strange bed, making my way to the bathroom, but I stopped.

Maybe I would take a bath. A bath would feel nice, after such a long, sleepless night…

I altered my course to the main bath, a tub of roughly half the size of a swimming pool, but only deep enough to sit in comfortably.

'It should only take fifteen minutes to fill all the way…'

But when I got there, Hikaru was standing just inside, a robe on, watching the water level rise to where we liked it.

He heard my footsteps and turned in shock to face me.

"Kaoru…"

"You take the bath," I said coldly, turning to leave, but he caught my arm.

"You couldn't sleep either, could you?" he asked softly. He looked rather broken when I met his eyes. "Take a bath with me."

"Hikaru, no. I'll just wait until you're done."

"No! Now, come with me!" Hikaru shouted. I flinched, and he pulled me inside, shutting the door behind me. "The water's ready. Just get in."

He stripped, and I flushed, looking away. I heard him get in, and I made to escape again, but he called out, "Kaoru, we need to talk. Now get in."

I kept my back to him, dropping my robe to the floor. Next came my pants, and then…

"Don't look," I whispered, pulling off my shirt.

"Why not? We're identical, Kaoru. We're the same."

I could've punched him. Taking a quick peek to make sure he wasn't looking, I slipped into the water, keeping my chest covered with my arms.

"Kaoru, don't be ridiculous. You're not a girl, you don't need to cover your chest."

"It's better this way."

The water was a bit warmer than I preferred, and I couldn't keep from hissing every so often as I moved. I felt so vulnerable this way.

"Kaoru, can I wash your hair?" Hikaru asked innocently, holding up a bottle of shampoo. I reluctantly agreed, turning my back to him. I soon felt his hands in my hair.

"Now, Kaoru, I think we need to talk."

"No, I think you made it perfectly clear what your opinion of me is last night."

"Don't take that seriously; I was just a little angry."

"And honest. You think I'm just a tool…that's what you think about all people, isn't it?"

"Kaoru, stop it!" He pulled me around to face him, his hands on my shoulders now. "I didn't mean what I said! I didn't mean to…to do those things to you! I'm sorry, goddammit! I'm…" he stopped, taking in my stricken expression, breathing out slowly. "I'm sorry, alright?"

"Hikaru…" My eyes were watering, halfway because of the shampoo now entering them. "You can't just say that, you have to mean it."

"I do mean it! I love you, Kaoru! I could never imagine hurting you like that…I mean…"

"I hurt you that way too, Hikaru."

"That doesn't count; I asked you to do that…" he was embarrassed now, looking away from me.

"I asked you to do it for me, too, Hikaru. Don't assume you know everything."

He froze, eyes on my chest. I realized just what he was looking at then and turned away.

"Kaoru…Just what happened to your body?"

"Nothing," I replied quickly, bending over to rinse my hair and make my eyes stop stinging. "It's nothing at all."

"Bullshit, let me see you…"

He pulled me around, smacking my arms out of the way.

"Kaoru, have you been hurting yourself again?"

"No."

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"Why'd you ask if you're so smart?"

"Because, Kaoru, I want for you to be honest with me for once!"

"I'm not the dishonest one!"

"Then why do you have so many secrets?!"

"Because I can't trust you anymore!"

That did it.

Hikaru looked so helpless in that second, that I felt horrible for what I had just said.

"You…don't trust me? But…But, Kaoru…"

"I…won't take it back."

I looked at my knee, feeling downright wretched, when Hikaru pulled me against him.

"Kaoru…why do you do this to me? How can you? Every word you say feels like heresy against what I know you have to feel. Why won't you tell me?! What's wrong with us? Are we so changed, Kaoru?"

"No, brother. We were always like this. You just never noticed until now."

"Why didn't you say anything? Do you want us to be different people?"

"You never gave me a chance!" I tried fighting against my twin's grip, but he was somehow so much stronger than me. Or perhaps his will was stronger. "All you ever did was push me away!"

"Kaoru…what are you talking about?"

I balked in his arms, no longer able to fight.

"You just want…her. You want to be with Haruhi, and you're leaving me all alone…"

"Kaoru, do you really believe that, or are you just trying to lie to yourself?"

Ice…ice encrusting my body, preventing movement…

"Hikaru…"

"Kaoru, listen to me." He pulled me back to look him in the eye. "I love you. I loved you before we even met Tamaki. You're my brother, and you'll always come first."

"Would I still be first if I weren't your brother?"

His eyes held hurt, but he didn't answer the question.

"You know how I feel about you, don't you?" It was a question, but it didn't require an answer.

He knew.

I could see that.

But he wouldn't say anything.

"Hikaru?"

"…yes. I know."

"You don't feel the same way, do you?"

"…"

"Yes?"

"Kaoru, don't ask me that…"

"Why? I need to know, Hikaru."

"Is this why you've been…"

His eyes held so many words that he couldn't say.

'Torturing yourself?'

'Killing yourself?'

'So sad?'

'So broken?'

'So lost?'

"Just answer me."

"Kaoru, it's not that simple."

"Yes it is! Yes or no, Hikaru!"

He let me go, but I grabbed his shoulders. He looked at me with his openly pathetic eyes. All I could think of was how horribly I felt for doing this to him.

But…

I

Had

To

Know.

"I…don't.