That was it.
My entire world…
Boom.
I knew he'd say it, but still…
It killed me inside.
"O-okay. See? Was that so hard?" I let go of him, trying to maintain an indifferent expression.
"Kaoru, don't—"
"What? What, Hikaru?" I'm fine. I'm stronger than you give me credit for!"
But my insides were crumbling.
"Please, little brother…just listen to me…"
"There's nothing more to say, Hikaru," I growled, voice thick with permafrost. "I asked a question, and you answered it. End of story."
"But…But, Kaoru…"
I laughed humorlessly, not looking at him.
"It's fine, Hikaru. Really. Just…forget I mentioned it."
"Kaoru, I—"
"Do you want me to leave?!" I demanded, losing my patience. "I said there's nothing else, so drop it!"
"…sorry."
I crossed my arms, but didn't move. I felt my conflicted heart—my poor, innocent heart—turn to stone. My blood congealed in my veins. It felt…
Like I couldn't breathe. Like I was choking on air.
"Let's just pretend I never said any of this," I sighed, grabbing a bar of soap.
"Please, let me," Hikaru offered, extending a hand. I pulled back from him unthinkingly, and his composition faltered.
"It's fine, Hikaru. I can do it myself." I cast my eyes down, watching the water flow gently.
"Don't say that," my twin whispered venomously, and I jolted my attention back to his livid face. "Don't ever say than again."
"What?" I was bewildered by the new enmity that had sprouted in my brother, seemingly out of nowhere. I supposed a split-second later that he wasn't quite as together as he was normally, and moved the slightest distance from him.
" 'I can do it myself'," he mimicked angrily, scorn burning in his eyes. "We're twins! We don't ever have to be alone! Tell me—!" he stopped shouting, trying to calm down before continuing. "Tell me why you are so obsessed with being alone!"
"I'm not! It just doesn't bother me as much anymore."
"Doesn't bother you," Hikaru repeated incredulously. "It doesn't bother you?! Why the fuck not?!" He was shouting again, being too loud. Someone would hear…
I threw a nervous glance at the door, begging it to remain shut.
"Kaoru, you should belong to me!" I was inching away from him openly now.
He was too much like that time…
When he made me…
"How dare you?! How dare you not mind being away from me?!"
"Is…is that what this is?" I asked quietly, as he strained to breathe.
"What are you talking about?!" I flinched at his intensity.
"You just want for me and Haruhi…for us to…to make you the only thing we care about. Is that it?"
"Don't pretend to know me so well!"
"…I never pretend. I know you, Hikaru, as I know myself. I may not like it, but this is who you are, isn't it?"
"Never pretend…you liar…you were hiding behind that…girl to make me look at you! You took it so far…You were just trying to hide what we'd done together!" he accused, rising to tower above me. "Well, I'll just have to make sure you never forget this."
His tone changed, and I knew what was coming.
What he wanted from me this time.
He was bending me to what he wanted…needed.
Again.
"Hikaru, NO!" I shouted, trying to keep him away from me. "Stop it, please, stop Hikaru!" I begged, beginning to sob. He shoved my arms away, pulling me to him by my waist. He wrapped his legs around me, pulling my head out of the way so he could bite my neck…my collarbone…slowly making his way down…
"Stop…struggling," he spat around my flesh, as I tried to thrash around…get free…
I felt him lift me, and I was flung to the wall, sitting on the edge of the tub, but my head collided with the wall, sending sharp explosions of color all over my periperal vision.
"Hikaru…I'm dizzy…please!" He didn't seem to hear, his mouth on my right hip, hand a bout a millimeter from…
Oh…
Oh my…
I couldn't see correctly, felt only about half of what Hikaru was submitting me to, and I was so…
Big.
Hikaru noticed, too, smirking at me before taking it in his mouth fiercely. Tongue and teeth worked harshly against me.
As I was lost in pleasure, I failed to notice the steady trickle coming down the back of my neck. I was making noises…
My hands fumbled to Hikaru's shoulders, trying to get his attention…
Make him stop!
'But it's so nice…'
I couldn't concentrate when he kept on doing that.
I picked up one of my hands, curling it unsteadily into a fist, and sent it crashing back down on his shoulder. He gagged a bit, but let me go, mustering up what was probably an aggressive glare, but he never got the chance.
I leaned forward, falling on top of him.
"Kaoru? What're you—?!" He froze, fingers brushing an extremely tender spot at the back of my skull. I cried out briefly, biting down on my fingers. "You're…bleeding!"
"Hikaru? I feel…funny…" I mumbled around my fingers. I doubt he heard me, much less understood me.
"Oh…God, Kaoru!"
He clutched me to his body. Even after hurting me so much, it was still a comfortable place to be…Warm, inviting…
I fit exactly to his identical form.
"Just hold on. I'll get us…I'll…"
He was on the verge of hyperventilating, but he dragged me out of the tub, sitting me on the floor gently. He then darted off, returning with two robes and a soon-to-be-ruined white towel. My slightly older brother helped me into my bathrobe, holding the towel tight to my head.
It hurt so much.
"Hikaru?" I called feebly.
"Yes? Yes, Kaoru?" came the immediate and slightly hysterical response.
"Am I…hurt bad?"
I was in Kyouya's hospital again.
They wouldn't let me out.
They kept throwing around scary words like, 'self-hazard' and 'unstable'.
I felt like screaming.
They asked me how I had gotten hurt, and I couldn't ever answer.
They kept me all alone, staring at the curtain in my window. I always imagined Hikaru standing outside, fighting his way in to see me. It was something he would do, and it was comforting.
"Hikaru? Can you hear me?" I would whisper, trying to form some kind of mental link with him.
He would never answer.
But the scariest part was…
I didn't even know who 'They' were.
The people who kept me locked up.
The people who wouldn't let me see Hikaru.
I had been there for four or five days before Kyouya burst through the door, shouting loudly at someone behind him.
"Just let me try to talk to him! Leaving him all alone won't help anything!"
He slammed the door behind him.
"Kyouya!" I exclaimed, immensely relieved to have human company. I could have kissed him.
"I'm here to ask you why the hell you've been hurting yourself again!" he hissed, pulling up a chair and leaning in so he was mere inches from me.
There will never be a person on this earth as intimidating as Ootori Kyouya when he was determined to get something done.
"I didn't hit my head on purpose," I muttered, all happiness leeched from my body by this atmosphere created by the Ootori heir. "It's sort of…a long story."
"Why do you think I'm here? Start at the beginning; what happened when you left my estate that night? I assume Hikaru wasn't pleased you'd been out. You wouldn't meet my eyes the next day. What did he do?"
"Well…he was a bit more than displeased…He was…well, really serious."
"What are you talking about? What do you mean, 'serious'?"
"It's what we call it when…well…"
The more I told Kyouya, the more questions he had. It was an odd sort of testimony on my part. As much as I wanted Kyouya to understand, I wanted to hide all of the details from his intelligent, overly bright eyes.
"So, the two of you developed a physical relationship for moral support and mutual comfort? Is that where those come from?" he inquired, pointing calmly at my covered chest.
"No, of course not. I haven't gotten to that yet…"
I told him about the wonderful advice I'd given Haruhi. He looked ready to strangle me until I mentioned how much his proposition for the Club had helped me.
"He would see me again, Kyouya! But…" I couldn't help but clench my fist. "Haruhi and he would go off…leaving me, and I…" I hung my head. "I suppose I am 'unstable'."
"Kaoru?" he prompted, as I'd stopped talking. "What about your head?"
I smiled grimly, wondering how he'd take this bit of information.
"We…well, we had a small argument. I told him he can't tell me what to do, and he…" I trailed off, rubbing my eyes. "He said I would always do what I was told when we were being 'serious'." I twitched around the word as if it were the filthiest swear word I could think to utter. "I walked out, into another wing, but I couldn't sleep.
"In the morning, I felt horrible, so I went to the bath, but Hikaru was already there. He made me get in with him, and we talked."
"And why did you do that? Kaoru, that was a foolish thing to do, especially considering your brother's current state."
"I know," I agreed miserably. "But that's not all. Kyouya, I…I told him how I felt."
"And?"
"He rejected me, but then I said something—got careless, I suppose…or maybe I just had a death wish—anyway, he got really mad, and tried to dominate me, right there in the tub."
Kyouya was horrified—disgusted, even.
"But, thing is, he was too rough. He shoved me against the wall too hard, and I guess I hit my head. Next think I know, he starts going on about blood, and then, boom, I'm here."
"Kaoru, that's…I mean…" He kept stopping his sentences to stare at me, hands clenched nervously together.
"It's sick," I finished for him. "I'm sick, aren't I?"
"No, you're fine. I mean, you will be…I think you just need to be away from Hikaru for a while. Is that okay?"
"What? You mean…spend more time without him?! Kyouya…" I grabbed for his hands, ready to beg shamelessly. "Please, please let me see him! I need him; I love him, Kyouya! I have to be near him! Always together…Always together!"
"I'm afraid, Kaoru, that this is the exact thing you don't need. You need to learn that there is still life without Hikaru. You have to realize that very soon, you will not be an active part of his life anymore." Kyouya shook off my grip easily, placing his cool hands on my shoulders.
I could feel that choking sensation again. My frozen heart lurched uncomfortably against my ribs, hammering into overtime.
"Kaoru, Hikaru is working on forging his own path in life, but what about you? You can't follow him forever. Besides, he has Haruhi. They'll probably want to start a family…or something…"
"N-no…He can't exist without me there. I know it. I won't be Kaoru without Hikaru next to me. It's like he's…he's…the sun in my life. And if he's the sun, then I'm the moon; I can only reflect what he gives me! I can't exist without a sun! Kyouya? Kyouya! Help!" I could feel myself suffocating. It was as if my lungs couldn't stretch, couldn't deflate. I was stuck in some lung-limbo and couldn't breathe.
"Kaoru, relax. You're hyperventilating now. Calm down."
I heard the words, but my body refused to respond. The youngest Ootori was on top of it, though. He grabbed a rubber glove, turned it inside out, and placed the hole over my nose and mouth.
"Kaoru, nice deep breaths…You'll be fine."
I followed his instruction as best I could, trying to stay alive so desperately…
My eyes were running from my trials as I regained my ability to breathe. I kept the glove on my face, though. I couldn't trust my treacherous body to behave itself just yet…
"You had a panic attack. Do you feel better?" I nodded, eyes closed as I focused on inhaling and exhaling. "Very good. You seem distressed at the thought of being separated from your twin."
"We've always…always been together."
"I see. You're scared of facing the world without him?"
"He's the sun. I freeze over without him there. I can't…can't talk to strangers without him beside me. I would always start crying or ignore them until Hikaru came back. I…I love him, Kyouya. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?"
He sighed, pulling off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yes, I'm afraid. Society wouldn't approve of you and your brother—your twin brother, might I add—being together in the way you desire. It's simply not done in this day and age."
"I love him…but…" my eyes were still running. "Is it right, being in love with someone who…who would…who treats people as objects, to be won and lost? As toys to amuse himself with when he's bored?" I demanded. "I don't understand!"
"Neither do I, Kaoru," he murmured, leaning back in his chair.
"Neither do I."