Author's Note: Again, artistic license on Lavi's past (and about what's under the eyepatch) since Hoshino-sensei hasn't told us diddly-squat.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
Warning: Some language. Spoilers if you only watch the anime. Softcore yaoi/shounen-ai. Implications of sex. If boys kissing and talking about having sex with each other squicks you, read no further and use your "back" button!
"Now my whole world opens up in different rhymes and tunes, with highways making up the verse. And then suddenly I see the light of something called 'the moon' and though my path is planned, it's not rehearsed. So I move along to the next thing on the list, knowing full well that some of them just don't exist. But I am finally alone. And where my foot steps down is where it's home."
-- Michael Nesmith, "The Crippled Lion"
"Angelus"
Part Two: A Wavering Mirage
It was all Allen could do to claw his way out of the dream that held him imprisoned within its salacious charms. Finally surfacing from the dream left him weak-limbed and drenched in sweat. That was without a doubt the most carnal and erotic, yet incredibly frustrating and stymieing, one yet. Now that he was awake, he wanted to just punch Lavi for being such a coy little bastard... but it wasn't Lavi's fault that he had been featured so bizarrely in Allen's dream.
Rolling over laboriously, he opened his eyes to a thick darkness split only by a thin, feeble light over on the desk. He could see a silhouette seated at the desk, hunched over it, and the sound of a pen on paper could be heard faintly.
"Lavi...?" He sat up as he spoke. His body ached all over and he felt extraordinarily tired. It appeared that yesterday's events with the Ark and the Vatican had put a bit too much of a strain on his still-healing body.
The figure at the desk turned, and the light from the faint lamp illuminated a face much beloved by Allen. "Oh, you're awake, Allen?"
"What are you doing?"
"A report. I'm almost done, and then I'll be coming back to bed."
Allen laid back down, finding the bed to be comfortable and inviting, and not wanting to leave it. Besides, what exactly did he have to do right now? His stomach was tolerable right now; it wasn't screaming to be fed again just yet. His body was just tired from all the strain of the past several weeks and right now, he wanted nothing more than to snuggle with Lavi, corny as that sounded.
After a while, Lavi stood up, turned off the lamp -- plunging them into complete darkness again, since there were no windows -- and climbed back into bed. After some shifting around, he snugged himself up against Allen and nibbled affectionately at his neck. "Ah, you're nice and warm. And a little sweaty. Too warm for you?"
"Uh, yeah... something like that." He hoped he hadn't had another of those embarrassing reactions while he was asleep... he'd never be able to explain that one to Lavi! He reached down surreptitiously and felt the bedding for any spots of wetness. He was relieved to find nothing beyond the usual dampness of sweat. He relaxed into Lavi's embrace and sighed with contentment. "I love you, Lavi. You know that, right?"
"Mm." Lavi nibbled at his neck again. "Yup. And I love you too, my little beansprout."
Allen choked in the darkness. "Dammit, Lavi! Why -- !"
Lavi reached up and clapped a hand over Allen's mouth. "And that right there is why I do it. Because it gets your goat. That's why I've always done it. Same reason I call Yuu by his first name, and Kro-chan by that nickname -- because it bugs them. I wouldn't tease you like this if I didn't like you."
"So does that mean you don't like Lenalee or Miranda? You don't tease them."
"I'm... a little uncomfortable teasing girls quite like that. I was raised to be respectful of women, you know. And besides, I still tease them, you know. Just not in the same manner. Or do you not remember Lenalee choking my lights out while you kicked me in the head when we were in the Ark?"
Allen chuckled. "Yeah, now that you mention it, you did make some rather rude comments to Lenalee. Something about thinking sexy thoughts in order to get a lover?"
"Good god, Allen, you remember exactly what I said?!" Lavi sounded shocked. "That's freakin' scary. You're supposed to forget details. Remembering details is my prerogative, not yours!"
"Prerogative my ass!" Allen flopped over to face him, even though he couldn't see him in this all-consuming darkness. "Just 'cuz you're a bookman doesn't mean others can't remember details."
"Hey, what are you -- " Lavi yelped in surprise. "Allen, don't grope me there! In fact, don't grope me at all!"
"Oh, so you can tease me and call me Beansprout but I can't --?"
He was interrupted when Lavi surged up on top of him, pinning his arms down.
"There's a difference between teasing and seduction. Don't cross that line. Just don't."
"I'm sorry, Lavi." Allen submitted himself, figuring that to be the easiest way to placate Lavi at this time. "I got carried away."
He felt Lavi lean in close to him, felt his breath against the skin of his face. "I want to be clear on this, Allen. It's not that I don't want you, it's that your age is a barrier I'm not ready to cross."
"I won't say that I agree, but I understand. Now, the least you can do is let me kiss you, you one-eyed freak!" Allen reached up in the dark and placed his hands on Lavi's jaw, pulling his face down and assaulting his mouth.
"Hey!" Lavi retorted when his mouth was free to speak again. "Who's the freak here -- the one with only one useable eye, or the one whose eye transforms into a monocle -- and whose arm turns into a giant sword?"
"What about the freak whose anti-Akuma hammer can grow to the size of a house but the weight of it doesn't seem to affect said freak?" Allen laughed heartily. "I think we're both freaks, Lavi. That's why we get on so well."
"Hmm?" Lavi responded with a guttural growl. "I dunno, I think you're pretty freakish. But I wouldn't have you any other way." He aggressively kissed Allen, reminding the younger Exorcist rather suddenly of their first kisses, way back in a hotel room in the south of France. Allen had been on his back at that time as well, with Lavi straddling him, kissing him fiercely. The only differences were that back then they'd both been in their full uniforms, and things had been in flux between them. Now that a month or more had passed, they were more comfortable with each other, and thus Lavi didn't seem to mind assaulting Allen in this manner when both were in their pajamas.
Allen just gave himself over to Lavi's affections. This wasn't quite what he'd had in mind, but he'd take this intimacy over nothing any day.
It was another two weeks before they managed to get back home to the main Headquarters. Allen was almost sorry that it happened, because that meant that he and Lavi would be split apart at nights again. He couldn't even remember where Lavi's quarters were in the big spiral building.
On the other hand, it was so good to be home. Hevlaska greeted them all quietly, but in such a heartfelt way that it was obvious that she'd been through a lot. The building was still in some level of shambles, with many of its laboratories completely ruined, but most of the living quarters were intact. Still, there were a lot of repairs and rebuilding to be done now.
Cross and Sokaro had dealt the Earl's side a devastating blow recently when they'd taken out what Sokaro gleefully called "Baby Noah" -- a pair of Noah who had only just awakened to their Noah abilities, and hadn't gotten a chance to hone those skills and use them skillfully against Exorcists. The Earl was now in retreat, probably trying to find the rest of his Noah so as to build up his forces again. Level One Akuma were starting to pop up again, which meant that the Earl either had a new plant up and running, or had a bunch of premade bodies in storage somewhere. Either way, it looked like the Earl was going to leave them alone for a while.
No sooner had all the Order people gotten safely inside the building than Cross-gensui and Sokaro-gensui cut and ran, beating a hasty retreat, lest they get roped into the rebuilding. Cloud-gensui entertained everyone by her long, colorful cursing of the two other gensui. Tiedoll-gensui just laughed at the whole mess and he and his apprentice rolled up their sleeves and dug right into the thick of things.
Lavi and Krory also dug right in and helped the support factions. Allen wanted to help, but Komui wouldn't let him, insisting he was still not at a hundred percent (which Allen found annoying, since it had now been a month or so since the incident in which he'd nearly bled to death).
Finally, in frustration, Allen retired to his living quarters, flopping down on his bed to think for a while.
Last time I was in here, Lavi was just a friend, one I could count on in anything, but still merely a friend. Not someone I'd consider trying to deceive or pull the wool over the eyes of. Now he's more than a friend, and now I'm plotting ways to seduce him. Good god, I wonder if Mana would be so proud of me knowing what I want to do.
That was an extraordinarily uncomfortable thought. So uncomfortable, in fact, that Allen had to get up off the bed and pace a bit. Timcanpy, who had settled down on the bookcase, snapped its wings open in surprise and flapped irritably.
"Tim, am I... Do you think I'm wrong to want more out of my relationship with Lavi?"
Timcanpy mantled its wings as best it could and gave Allen a thoroughly blank look. It didn't understand his question. Not a surprise, really, considering it was a construct, not a natural creature. And it was used to Cross-gensui, who probably had never been refused in his life. So of course, he couldn't ask advice from the thing. What the hell was he thinking? Allen finally flopped back down on the bed after a long silence.
The dreams of late came back to haunt him. They were getting increasingly explicit and more drawn out. Allen was a proper Englishman by nature, though he definitely had a kinky side -- which he'd always known; one wasn't apprenticed to Cross Marian without developing a rather healthy appreciation for the seedy, hedonistic side of life -- but even he was aghast at these dreams. And yet... they were damned intoxicating, those dreams. They partly horrified him, because of how he reacted to them internally, but they mostly fascinated him.
Well, maybe having separate rooms again would give him a reprieve from those feelings and dreams? Or at least, allow him to surrender to them in private, rather than hold himself rigid lest he react in a way he didn't want Lavi to know about.
On the other hand, he'd gotten used to the ambience of Lavi's slumber-breathing patterns and to having Lavi periodically snuggle up to him during the night, then after a while roll over away, all done unconsciously. Lavi was a restless sleeper, had always been so, as far back as Allen could remember from the beginning of their friendship and partnership, when they'd shared hotel rooms.
It was going to take some getting-used-to, sleeping alone... but then again, he wouldn't be tormented, he hoped, by those damned dreams. He could welcome them with some level of acceptance.
Gah! Not again! Stupid human anatomy!
There was a knock at the door.
Oh, of course! Of all the times!
"Come in," he called, rolling onto his side and letting his coat fall so as to disguise that he was having a rather embarrassing anatomical reaction to his own racy thoughts.
"Disappearing on me like that, you moron -- you trying to make my life more difficult?" Lavi poked his head in and stuck his tongue out at Allen. "I'm still supposed to be watching you, you know. I just might have to check Tim's memory to see what you've-- " He was hit full in the fact with a pillow.
"Komui-san told me I couldn't help you guys, so I made myself scarce so as not to get in anyone's way!" Allen snapped peevishly. "I'm not deliberately slacking, you know!"
"Er," Lavi blinked. "I didn't say you were. What's gotten into you, Allen? You've been acting weirder and weirder lately. I'm having trouble figuring you out. Did I do something to upset you? Are you angry with me?"
"No, I'm just tired and cranky. I hate that Ark with a fury, you know. I hate using it, and I hate what it stands for. It's hard on me to use it. It just reminds me all over again why I hate the Earl, and not in a good way..." The physical discomfort of his inappropriate and impromptu arousal, combined with the emotional drain of the Ark, left Allen in a foul temper, not exactly the right mood to address Lavi with.
Lavi frowned contemplatively. "Hold that thought a moment. I'll be right back." He disappeared from the doorway. Allen's curiosity got the better of him and he forced himself to get up and go to the door, peeking out to see Lavi standing a little ways down the hallway, talking to Reever Wenhamm.
"This might take a while. He seems really upset. This seems to have been building up."
"Well, do whatever you need to," Reever said. "Just, keep in mind, it could be something as simple as the fact that he's still under suspicion by the Vatican. That's enough to rattle anyone."
"I don't think it's that simple, Reever. He's gotten more and more aggressive each time he's used that awful thing. I'm afraid that if he has to use it again, it could break him. As strong as he is, he's still fragile in some ways. I need to know why he hates it so much."
This was about as effective as a cold shower, Allen discovered, as his uncomfortable anatomical issues subsided abruptly. Unfortunately, it left him unexpectedly cold, and still quite upset. Why did everyone have to keep bugging him about that accursed Ark?
"That bastard Cross won't answer a single question, and I'm convinced that he's the one who knows about that Ark," Lavi was saying. "But since he's being so tight-lipped about it, the only other person we can ask is Allen. I haven't wanted to bug him about it, because it's clearly not something he likes to talk about, but these reactions of his are getting more and more drastic."
Idiot. It's not the Ark that's getting on my nerves! It's... well, it's personal. But it's not the Ark!
On the other hand, how was Lavi to know that?
Anxiety left a bitter taste in Allen's mouth. I don't want to tell anyone about that Score, at least not until I get some answers out of Shishou. I'm not going to let them drag Mana's memory through the mud just because they're going to think he's the Fourteenth Noah. If I tell them about the Score and where I think it came from, they're going to dig into his past, and probably desecrate his grave. There's no way I'm going to let them do that!
Though, really, was it so much protectiveness of Mana's memory, or was it fear that what they'd find would confirm his worst fears? He didn't have an answer for that, and so he kept his mouth shut on the matter. Komui hadn't pressured him about it, even though Allen knew the Supervisor was under duress from his superiors to find out about Allen's connection to the Ark.
If Lavi questioned him about it, he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold his silence. Both Lavi and Bookman could be relentless interrogators when they wanted to be. It was probably a talent that the bookmen utilized when necessary; either that, or a by-product of the standard practice of the bookmen of assuming and abandoning personae with regularity.
Allen moved back over by the bed, plopping himself down on the floor in front of the bed and tipping his head back onto the mattress, looking at the ceiling. Please, Lavi, don't make me talk about it. Don't make me implicate Mana.
There was a long delay before Lavi returned. His face was set to complete impassivity. He said nothing about Allen's change in location in the room, and silently moved over to the small chair by the desk. He pulled the chair out spun it around, and then straddled it, folding his arms on the chair's back. For a moment, Allen blinked at him, not understanding the significance of the gesture. Lavi was an informal person, but he wasn't normally the kind to behave like that in a serious discussion. He was informal, but not unprofessional.
After a long moment, he realized what Lavi's reasoning was: the chair was acting as a form of barrier, separating them. Exactly which of the two of them it was supposed to protect, he didn't know. But the chair was basically putting space between the two of them, if only metaphorically.
The silence between them stretched out. Allen didn't want to volunteer anything. If Lavi wanted that information, he was going to have to work for it.
Finally, Lavi sighed. "Allen, I need you to tell me what's bothering you. And don't you dare tell that it's 'nothing.' It's definitely not 'nothing' and you and I both know it!"
Allen brought his hands to his face. "I don't want to talk about it, Lavi."
"I can tell. But you're starting to really come apart at the seams. I need to know why you're so angry when you use the Ark."
Anger bubbled over. "Why? So you can write it up in your daily reports to the Vatican? You try being under suspicion by the Vatican for so long, all because you did what you had to in order to save the people you loved! This is the thanks I get for saving my nakama -- accusations of treason!"
Lavi was silent for a long moment. "Nothing you say will go any further than this room, unless you want it to. I'm not asking on behalf of the Vatican, or the bookmen, or the Black Order. I'm asking you this as your friend, as someone who loves you dearly and can't bear to watch you hurting like this. You and I... we have too many secrets between us. This shouldn't be one of them." His voice softened. "I just want to know what's eating you alive from the inside out, Allen. I can't stand to watch you suffer like this."
A combination of anger, resignation, sadness and frustration weighed on Allen's heart. "If I tell you, you have to swear to me that you won't tell anyone else. There's a reason I'm not talking about it. Until I get some answers from Shishou, this has to go no further than between you and me, no exceptions."
Lavi seemed to weigh this in mind, and replied solemnly. "I told you, whatever you say here goes no further by me. I'll swear to it if you want me to, but I'd like to think you trust me a little more than that, to feel the need to bind me to an oath."
Presented thus, Allen knew he couldn't really force Lavi to pronounce an oath without basically calling him untrustworthy. Still... it wasn't that he didn't want to trust Lavi, it was that he didn't want to fear that the information would get out.
Lavi's right arm moved to his thigh, and he unholstered Oudzuchi Kodzuchi. As it was drawn, it grew to its usual fighting size. Lavi slammed the butt of the handle to the ground in front of the chair, placing his hand on the small cross that adorned the top of the hammer's head. "I don't swear on bibles, for what it's worth. I swear on that which is important to me. I'll bind my oath to my Innocence. Whatever you say herein stays between the two of us, except where you see fit. Will that work for you?"
Allen heaved a sigh; "Okay, okay." Lowering his hands, he fixed Lavi with a firm gaze. "The problem isn't the Ark itself -- it's the Score. You've seen it, right?" Allen reached over and picked up Timcanpy, who had settled on the bed next to Allen's head. "Timcanpy has the Score inside it. Show him, Tim."
The golem complied, projecting the bizarre wheel-shaped symbol that contained within it the melody, harmony and lyrics for a lullaby to calm the Ark.
"That's the Score, huh? Not like any musical score I've ever seen." Lavi's eye narrowed slightly as he analyzed the Score. "I've studied a lot of languages, including a couple of dead ones. I've never seen anything like that. And it doesn't look like a musical language either. What is it?"
Allen swallowed with difficulty; "It's a constructed alphabet that Mana and I created long, long ago. It was just a child's game, or so I thought. It was like a secret language, just between us. Mana used it to teach me how to read and write, but mostly, it was just our little game. Therefore, no one else ever knew it."
"So this isn't coincidence, that the Score that powers the Ark is written in that language." That wasn't a question.
"The Score doesn't power the Ark at all, Lavi. The Ark is always powered. What the Score does, is it enables me to control it. It soothes it. The Fourteenth Noah drove the Ark insane. The Score is a lullaby that calms it, entices it to do as I wish. It's like with a wild horse that's thrashing in a paddock. The quickest way to soothe him is to approach slowly, speaking softly and calmly."
Lavi acknowledged the correction with a nod of his head. "So, the score is written in a language only you and your father knew. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that he was the Fourteenth Noah."
"Mana was not a Noah!" Allen exploded. "There's no way Mana was a Noah!"
"How do you know?"
"Because Mana was... Mana was kind, and gentle, and he loved people. He was the most philanthropic person I ever knew. He loved everybody! He was everything that the Noah we've met are not!"
"And the Fourteenth Noah was also a traitor to the Earl. Doesn't it stand to reason that the motivation the Fourteenth might have had to betray the Earl would be out of love for the human race?"
"I refuse to believe that Mana was a Noah! I will not accept that!"
"Why does that scare you so much, Allen? Are you afraid to admit that you might have loved a Noah?"
"The Noah are our enemies, Lavi! Unlike the Akuma, who are tormented souls turned into weapons, the Noah side with the Earl of their own free will! I may not hate them, but I can't justify loving them either!"
"And yet you were the one who wanted to save Tyki Mikk, when we were in the Ark."
"I thought that he was no longer a Noah at that point! It wasn't out of affection for the Noah, it was out of consideration for the friends he'd left behind."
"Allen, listen to yourself. You're not making any sense! You're allowing for Tyki Mikk to care about humans, but not any other Noah?"
"I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT MANA WAS A NOAH!" Allen roared, lurching to his feet, his fists clenched.
In the blink of an eye, Lavi was right in front of him, grasping his wrists. "Calm down, Allen. You're over-reacting. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just trying to understand what you're saying. Just calm down. You're intelligent and rational; stop trying to think with your heart in this."
"Mana can't be a Noah, Lavi," Allen insisted, trembling. "He just can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't believe that he'd ever betray anyone's trust -- even the Earl. Saying Mana was the Fourteenth Noah is saying he was a traitor."
"A traitor whose treachery has enabled us Exorcists to continue to fight the Earl. A traitor whose treachery may have been the salvation of humankind."
"Treachery for the sake of a good cause is still treachery, and that's not what Mana was like."
"You don't know that, Allen. You'd be surprised what someone you think you know will do when pressured." Lavi shook him gently and looked him hard in the eye: "What exactly are you so afraid of? You're taking this extremely personally. If it is indeed true, and it turns out that Mana was the Fourteenth, that doesn't affect you directly. That doesn't make you his successor; you've said yourself that you're not related by blood to him. And these Noah, that's one thing they share in common -- they're all descended from the original Noah, the one who built the original Ark. It doesn't affect you at all Allen."
"Yes it does!"
"How?"
"Because that will make everything a lie! Everything I've done and everything I've been since he died -- it'll have no meaning!" A sob escaped his throat. "I became an Exorcist to atone for my sin of making him an Akuma, and I promised him that I'd always walk forward, never looking back, and that I'd keep walking forward to whatever end of the road lay before me, keep walking until I die. He's been the source of strength for me. I don't want that to be a lie. I don't want my entire existence to be a lie, Lavi. The truths I do know about my own life are horrible enough. I don't want it all to be for nothing..." The weight of his anguish finally did him in; his knees gave out on him and he very nearly crumpled into a heap on the floor. Lavi's reactions were quick enough to catch him before he hit the ground.
Allen sagged in Lavi's arms, his entire body shaking with the sobs he was afraid to release.
"It's okay, Allen, I've got you. Let it out. Whatever it is, you've held it in too long. Let it out," Lavi said softly, gently lifting Allen up and supporting him. "I'm here for you. Just let it out. You don't need to keep putting on a brave face for me, you know."
It took no more prompting than that; the floodgates burst open and from the very depths of his gut, the sobs came thundering forth, gripping Allen in their iron grasp and holding him captive. Clinging to Lavi as though his life depended on it, Allen surrendered himself to wave after wave of crushing grief and guilt. Like a great hurricane at sea, the lachrymal episode battered at his insides and threatened to capsize his sanity, but every time he felt himself drowning in his laments, he felt a tug on a lifeline.
Time lost all relativity and ground to a halt as the maelstrom howled on. Allen vaguely distinguished a sense of physical movement, but he was so caught up in his emotions that he couldn't really concentrate on it. Eventually, the torrential sobs lessened as his energy ran out, until finally he was left trembling with fatigue, his emotions spent. Time shifted into gear and began to flow again, and he became aware of his surroundings again.
Lavi had moved the two of them over to the bed, and was sitting on the bed itself, with Allen draped across his lap, cradled in his arms.
Allen heaved a shaky sigh and pulled his face away from Lavi's shoulder, which was soaked with Allen's tears.
"Better?" Lavi inquired.
"Yeah..." Allen cleared his throat. "Sorry about that, Lavi."
"Don't apologize. You needed that. I'm guessing you've been holding that in for a long, long time." Lavi pecked a kiss to Allen's forehead. "I'm sorry for not noticing it earlier that you needed something like this. Chalk that one up to my being trained as an observer who isn't supposed to interfere."
Allen rested his forehead against Lavi's neck, right in the curve to the shoulder. He was exhausted, and his head was throbbing from the strain. And yet, he felt a little bit more at peace.
"I don't know how much you know about me, Lavi," he said after a long silence, "but I was abandoned by my birth parents shortly after I was born. Because of my arm, they left me to my fate. I was born in winter, late December, and Mana found me on Christmas Day. He used to tell me I was the best Christmas present he ever received."
"That's sweet," Lavi chuckled. "The two of you were close, it sounds."
"Mana was my entire world." Allen made slight whimpering noise in the back of his throat. "He's also the only person who ever wanted me. My own birth parents didn't want me, Shishou didn't really want me... Mana is all I ever had. That's why I can't bear the thought that even he deceived me."
"Abandonment sucks, doesn't it?" Lavi tightened his grip on Allen for a moment. "I know how that is. I was abandoned by my parents too. The thing is, I wasn't raised by a surrogate parent, per se. I don't know about my father -- I guess he died when I was really little, but I don't really know -- but I know that Mama always thought of me as a burden. I don't even remember her face, hardly. That was back before I'd trained my brain to memorize details minutely. One day she took me to this dark, underground place, handed me over to some old panda-faced jiiji, then turned around and walked out of my life. I never saw her again. I was too much of a burden for her, so she dumped me into the care of the bookmen. I don't remember her face, but I remember her back, fading from view. Jiiji was the closest thing I had to a parent, but most of my early care was handled by various bookmen I never got to know personally. Jiiji handled my education.
"By the way, Allen, you're kind of wrong. Mana isn't the only person who ever wanted you, you know. Or am I just chopped liver?"
"Well, you're kind of a special case, Lavi."
"Hmm. Special, huh?"
There was another prolonged silence, before Lavi spoke, somewhat firmly; "Allen, you can deny it all you want, but if Mana Walker was the Fourteenth Noah, you can't change that. The evidence is pretty much overwhelming. Not only is that Score written in a language only you two knew, but when you turned him into an Akuma, he cursed you, and his curse left you with the ability to see Akuma souls, something I don't think even Noah can see. But your secret's safe with me. Besides, it sounds to me like you don't really have any answers anyway, just more speculation. The one who has the answers appears to be Cross."
"Yeah. Shishou built Timcanpy, which means he's the one who put the Score into Tim's memory; he might not be able to read the Score, but he knew about it and implanted it into Tim. And he told me exactly what to do when I got to the piano room. I've never played a piano in my life, but I was able to play that without failing." He paused a moment. "I just don't want Mana to be the Fourteenth. I want to believe that Mana was just an ordinary man."
"He might have been, Allen. Don't judge him just yet. But don't absolve him either."
Allen let out another sigh, this one softer. He closed his eyes and focused on inhaling Lavi's scent. It was almost intoxicating, when he thought about it. He'd become aware of Lavi's distinct scent during the time they'd shared a bed. It wasn't overpowering or anything, but it was distinctive, it was Lavi's, and it was a comforting scent to Allen. For the moment, he felt safe, somewhat relaxed, and at peace. He wouldn't mind if they stayed like this forever...
"Your hair's not naturally white, right?"
"No. That came with the curse."
"Funny, cuz even your eyebrows are white. What color was it before?"
"Light brown. Mana always said I looked like such a little English boy."
"You are English, aren't you?"
"Well, yeah, but not everyone in England actually looks the part."
After yet another prolonged silence, Allen tilted his head away and looked at Lavi. "Say, when did you lose your eye?"
"'Lose' it? I didn't lose it. It's still there," Lavi said. "It's just next-to-useless." With his thumb, he flipped the patch up, revealing another kelly-green eye, though this one looked odd somehow. For one thing, it looked duller. And for another... "I think there's one or two optic nerves still connected, so I can distinguish light versus dark, but that's it. Can't determine colors, nor shapes, nor anything else, just light versus dark." His left eye shifted toward Allen; the right eye, however, didn't move. "D'you see its problem? It doesn't track. The tear-ducts also don't work quite right, and the eyelids don't close properly, so it gets dry really easy. Hence, the eyepatch. To protect it."
"What happened?"
"Freakish accident. The only thing I remember about it is that I hit my head really hard. It's one of the few things I don't remember the details of since becoming a member of the bookmen, but I have a pretty good reason not to remember -- I got a hell of a concussion. Jiiji said they thought I was a goner there for a while. Thought I was going to have irreparable brain damage. And then I developed Bell's Palsy right after the whole mess."
"Bell's Palsy? What's that?"
"It's a paralysis of the face. Literally, half your face goes completely numb. None of the muscles work. It's not permanent, but it lasts for a long time. And it takes the muscles a long time to recover even after it's passed. Some muscles never recover properly, like my right eyelids. But nevermind that. Water under the bridge, and all that. How are you feeling now? Calmer?"
"Much better. Thanks, Lavi. You're really a godsend to me." Allen moved his arms up to encircle Lavi's shoulders. "I love you, and I'm so grateful that you're here for me."
"Hey, what are friends for? And lovers, for that matter. You know I love you and would do anything for you." He pulled Allen closer and kissed him firmly. "You are just about everything in the world to me. I've gotten close to a lot of people in my life, and most of them have died or turned me away in the end. But you... you're something different. I never felt this strongly about anyone; never wanted so badly to be at someone's side that I'd give up even the goals I've worked toward for so long."
Allen dropped his head down; "I hate that you have to give up on becoming the Bookman. I feel like I'm stealing your dream away from you."
"It was never my dream to be the Bookman. It was more of an inevitable eventuality. Jiiji chose me to be his successor; I could have refused, but what for? However, that doesn't make it my own dream. Since I met you, Allen, my whole world has opened up. What used to be just a distant mirage is now within my grasp." He kissed Allen again, but this time very tenderly. "I have you to thank for that, my love."
Predictably, Allen's stomach announced itself empty.
"Of course," Lavi said with a laugh. "Whenever we try to get all cozy, you have to go and get hungry."
Stay tuned for "Angelus : Part Three : The Flames Of Love"
After-word: Lime is planned in the next chapter. This chapter was a transitional chapter, meant to show the growing intimacy between the two, and to show that Allen is serious about this step forward. I will remind you all that this is a LIME, not a LEMON. That means that the sex will be IMPLIED rather than explicitly shown. However, if all goes according to plan, our boys will be boinking each other silly.