Author's Note: I want to remind you readers that any commentary that is made in here regarding gay sex being an abomination or a perversion is a reflection of the time period in which this takes place -- the Victorian Age -- and is not a reflection of my own views. So please do not be angry with me or take offense. I'm romanizing Lavi's 48th persona name as "Deak" (its romajii is "Dikku") because, frankly, I can't wrap my brain around him being called "Dick" which is what a lot of people speculate what Hoshino meant.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.

Warning: Some coarse language. Spoilers if you only watch the anime. Softcore yaoi/shounen-ai. You know the drill.

"In the silence just before the dawn, the shadows lose their form; we rise to greet the morning.
In the calm that comes before the storm, a troubled and restless heart is born."
-- The Moody Blues, "River of Endless Love"

"Angelus"
Part Four: Water in the Earth

The first sensation that Lavi identified upon rising to consciousness from the dark warmth of slumber was a feeling of peace and comfort. It was a sensation of tenderness and love unrivalled by anything he'd ever felt before. For a fraction of a moment, he thought that this must be what it's like to be held by a loving parent. Then his common sense took over. He was far too old for that. And his mother had abandoned him long ago.

The second sensation was that of warmth and proximity. He could feel another person's warm skin beneath his head, could hear the respiration and the steady beating of the heart. He knew this scent well, and the timbre of breathing. Opening his eyes, he realized his pillow was in fact his lover's chest. Not that he was surprised.

The third sensation was of a confusing disorientation. His vision seemed to be off. The room seemed to be lit wrong... Closing his left eye, he figured out instantly what was wrong. His right eye was uncovered and open. He felt around for the eyepatch, wondering if he'd knocked it askew in his sleep. No, it was completely off. What the hell'd I do with it?

The fourth and final sensation he felt upon awakening was purely emotional -- it was a wave of adoration, warm and soft, swelling up around his heart. It made his eyes sting with tears, tears he didn't even know the reason for. Relief? Love? Happiness? Contentment? Regret that he would be leaving this sanctuary?

"Allen?" He found himself speaking as he tilted his head to look up at his lover's face. "Are you awake?"

"Of course I am," Allen said, stroking Lavi's hair tenderly. "Did you sleep well?"

Lavi yawned. "Thanks for putting up with me, Allen. I know I'm a real pain sometimes."

"Nonsense. It's been no trouble at all. I'm just glad you were able to sleep. You were so stressed last night."

"Ha! Not for long. You made sure of that! You are such a coy little tease, Allen. I really didn't want to do this so soon. I was hoping to wait until you were eighteen, or, failing that, until you were at least sixteen." He pushed himself up a bit and kissed Allen. "I love you, nevertheless. In spite of myself, I love you."

Allen caught his face in his hands and held him to the kiss, his eagerness for a reprise of last night's passion as clear as day. Lavi, feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable with his emotions, responded automatically, his ardor enflaming him and driving him past the point of caring that this was all so damned awkward and rather uncomfortable. Really, this was madness; he couldn't imagine why Allen was so eager to continue this. His own backside was still complaining; he had a feeling that sitting still would be a challenge for a while.

"Wait," Allen said as Lavi raised himself up to move in for the connection. "No... not there." His sheepish expression told Lavi all he needed to know in an instant: he was sore too. Obviously, both of them being virgins not entirely sure what the hell they'd been doing, they'd done it all completely wrong; hence the discomfort and pain. And yet, the delirious highs of climax had made up for it, so it hadn't been a total loss. But, they were both going to have to be careful for a while now, until they got things figured out.

"Now this is a nice twist," Lavi chuckled. "Last night you were accusing me of cockblocking you; and now you're the one doing the cockblocking. What the fuck, Allen?" He was just glad that his passion hadn't gotten his blood up to the point where everything got weird. He paused a moment to get himself under control, before nibbling affectionately at Allen's neck.

"I never said you couldn't, I just said, 'not there.' Don't put words in my mouth!" Allen teased gently, twining a thick lock of red hair in his fingers.

Lavi's grin became positively obscene. "Oh? Shall I put something else in your mouth?"

That got the desired response. Even as randy as he had been the night before, Allen still had some level of innocent charm, because he blushed at the implication. "Lavi!"

"Ooh, dirty minds think alike, huh?"

"I didn-- Lavi, you pervert!"

That sent Lavi onto his back, howling with laughter. Allen kicked him in the shins in annoyance.

"It's not funny!"

"Oh yes it is!" Lavi grinned. "Don't worry, I'm not really in the mood for that anyway. Isn't it bad enough that I have to leave here soon? I'd much rather just relax." He rolled over and pulled Allen close. "With any luck, this mission to Rome won't take long. If it takes too long, there could be some serious problems, though."

"What is it about Rome that scares you so much, Lavi?"

"Eh? Oh, it's not that I'm scared of Rome, I just hate that place. Too much bloodshed in its history."

He doesn't honestly believe that, does he? Allen thought to himself. Granted, Roman history is pretty violent and bloody, but you can hardly say that any other country is saintly in comparison.

"You expect me to believe that?" he said aloud. "Lavi, don't insult me. I'm not stupid or ignorant, you know. For one thing, Rome itself isn't responsible for what its people did. And for another, the Roman Empire was no more bloody and violent than the Greek civilization."

"Wrong. Roman history is considerably more brutal than Greek history," Lavi said as he located his eyepatch and put it on. "But that's not quite what I meant anyway. There's just something about Rome that gives me a bad feeling. Like there are ghosts there that won't sleep. I don't like that place. I avoid it when I can. And if there are Noah around? That's just a recipe for agony."

Allen didn't respond to that and sat up, looking somewhat distressed. Lavi blinked at him.

"Allen? Are you okay?"

"Why both of you? Why both you and Bookman? Why not Bookman with someone else? Why do you have to go?"

"I'm the one with the photographic memory, Allen."

"So? You're going there to bring back an artifact, right?"

"Well, yes, but in the event that the Vatican gets their hands on it first, they're not going to give it to us. Also, if the Noah get their mitts on it, they're going to destroy it. Therefore, if I can get one good look at it, that's good enough; I can duplicate whatever's written there, even if I don't understand it. Ideally, the Order would prefer that we bring it back here, but if that's not possible, I can duplicate its information if I get a good look at it."

Allen rubbed his hands over his eyes; "I never thought I'd hate something about you so much, but that memory of yours? Right now, I hate it. I don't want you to go. Or if you go, I want to go with you. I'll worry myself sick while you're gone."

"Ah, don't worry. I just hate Rome and the way it makes me feel; as long as Jiiji's with me, though, there shouldn't be any problems. He knows how to keep me in line."

"You were sure freaked out last night."

"I know; I'm not looking forward to it, I'll have you know. But now that I've gotten some sleep, I'm able to think clearer; I think everything will be fine."

The room was rather suddenly bright and light from the window.

"Whoa," Lavi said, shielding his eye. "What the heck?"

"Must've been some clouds in front of the sun and they moved."

"Geez, is it already that late into the morning? I'm surprised no one's come beating the door down!"

"Did they know you were going to come spend the night with me?" Allen tossed back the covers and got up, stretching.

"Well, no, but there are enough people who know about us that they'd probably at least come ask you if they can't find me."

"You do have a point. Well, it's not that early. In case you didn't notice, my room's on the eastern side of the building, so the morning light hits my room sooner than yours."

"Yeah, but I thought Jiiji and I were going to head out after first light. Damn. He must not be in that big of a hurry."

Allen turned to his lover and bent over, giving him a tender kiss. "I'm going to take a shower, Lavi. I am absolutely covered in dried sweat." He paused a moment in speaking, and cleared his throat. "Among other things, I suppose. But mostly sweat."

"Nice, Allen." Lavi grimaced at the implication. "Just go take your shower. I want one too, by the way. Might as well start this stupid mission off on the right foot."

The white-haired Exorcist grabbed a towel from his linen closet and headed into his washroom. Lavi just flopped back into the covers of the bed, drawing them over his head.

I don't want to leave. I'd give almost anything to just stay here with you, Allen. I'm so sorry for lying to you about Rome, but I just don't want you to worry so much. I don't want you worrying about what you can't affect. And you can't do anything, even if you go with us. If I have to go into the Vatican, Jiiji is the only one who can prevent that barrier from completely erasing "Lavi" from me. I don't want you to see what I'm going to have to go through if I have to go inside the Vatican's barrier, Allen. The personality that lurks deep within me is one thing I don't want you to ever have to see.

There was movement within the bedding, and he popped them up a bit, wondering what on earth that was. His question was answered almost immediately when he saw Timcanpy crawling towards him. It looked curious. He reached out a hand and gave the little golem a little scritching with his finger. Timcanpy leaned into the impromptu attention, like a tiny pet.

In short order, Allen was out of the shower. "Your turn, Lavi." He tossed his towel down the hamper chute as he grabbed some clothes and started dressing.

"All right. Your golem is being friendly," Lavi said as he pulled back the covers. Tim came fluttering out and it started circling Allen's head.

Allen chuckled. "Tim likes you, Lavi. You haven't figured that out?"

"How am I supposed to know what a construct likes or doesn't like?" Lavi grabbed up another towel from the linen closet, noting that Allen's room had more towels than his room usually did. He headed into the washroom and stepped into the shower to wash the sweat and other dried bodily fluids from his body.

While he was in the shower, Allen pulled on his usual outfit of a clean white shirt and dark gray trousers. He threaded a dark red ribbon through his collar and tied it off. He had just pulled his boots on when there came a knock at the door.

He pulled the door open, to discover a young Finder standing at his door.

"Allen Walker-dono? Komui-shitsuchou requests your presence in his office soon. Also, uh, do you know where Lavi-dono might be?"

"I might. Why?"

"He is also requested by Komui-shitsuchou. All Exorcists are being summoned."

"I'll send Timcanpy to find him," Allen said, dismissing the Finder. He felt slightly guilty being so abrupt with the Finder; he was normally much nicer and more gracious with them. But right now he didn't want to risk Lavi coming out of the washroom while the Finder was standing there. He closed the door and leaned against it in relief. Timcanpy fluttered in the air next to him, looking at him inquisitively.

After a few minutes, Lavi stepped out of the washroom, toweling off his hair. It was something of a shock to Allen to see his lover stark naked in such a context. While he had seen Lavi this way last night, it had been in the darkness broken only by the moon's half-light, which of course made it more romantic and less startling. But now? Well, the context was far from erotic, but that didn't stop Allen from feeling something reacting in his groin.

Luckily, Lavi wasted no time grabbing up his clothes and getting dressed. Allen allowed himself a few moments to calm his hot blood before speaking. "Lavi, we're both being summoned to Komui-san's office."

"Huh? I thought Panda-jiiji and I were going to be heading out right away. Hmm. All right. Anything to postpone this wretched mission, I suppose." Lavi zipped up his uniform jacket and strapped his weapon's holster onto his leg. Allen pulled his own coat from his closet and the two of them set out from the room. Allen was rather glad that the Finder that had informed him of the summons was nowhere to be seen. It would be kind of weird to have that Finder see Lavi exit Allen's room.

When they arrived in Komui's office, the large circular room was somewhat crowded with the other Exorcists. The only Exorcists missing were the four gensui, who were all away on missions, the apprentices of Cloud and Tiedoll, and ironically, Bookman himself.

Komui motioned the two late arrivals to come forward.

"There's been a last minute change of plans, Lavi. You're still going to Rome, but I'm assigning you some companions, because Bookman can't go with you after all."

"What? Why?"

"He got an emergency call from one of the clan in Denmark, and had to leave late last night."

Lavi's face became stormy; "What the fuck does the Copenhagen branch of the clan want with Jiiji?"

"It's none of my business," Komui said, giving Lavi a sharp look, "so I didn't ask. My priority is the retrieval of that artifact. As such, I have to send you, Lavi, and I'm sending a few others with you. You have the widest range of reading abilities, but there are some languages that are beyond your scope, correct?"

"Of course there are."

"Arystar Krory, if I'm not mistaken, you can read archaic Hebrew. Is that correct?"

"Yes," the baron said. "My grandfather taught me that one. I cannot speak the language very well at all, but I can read it."

"And Lenalee is very literate in all the Chinese alphabets," Komui said, his face becoming strained. "We have reports of at least two confirmed Noah clansmen in the area -- Road Kamelot and the one known as Lulubell have been confirmed in the area. There are suspicious reports of at least two more, these ones new, but given Lulubell's ability, they could be a ruse. Therefore, I'm also sending two combat-specialists with you, Lavi. Kanda-kun has fought on equal grounds with Noah before. And of course, Allen-kun has the ability to throw open the Ark and get everyone out of there in an instant if things get to be too much. I don't expect you to use it to travel there; it should only be used for emergencies until further notice."

Lavi's face paled. "So, you're sending Yuu, Allen, Kro-chan and Lenalee with me? Are you sure about that, Komui?"

"Quite."

"I don't even see why I need anyone else; all I need is one good look at that thing and I can replicate it for you. Then you guys can try and decode it at your leisure. I especially don't see why you want to send Allen; didn't the Vatican want him watched?"

"The Vatican doesn't concern me right now," Komui said abruptly. "I'm giving you orders, Lavi. You are to retrieve or at least obtain the artifact. You will be accompanied by four companions. That is all there is to it."

Lavi brought a hand to his suddenly-pounding forehead. It's bad enough Jiiji got called away... I don't want Allen to see what might happen if I have to go into the Vatican! "This is a bad idea, Komui. A really bad idea."

"How about you explaining to me why it is, then?" The Supervisor sounded almost angry. Almost.

"Well, for one thing, you've got two Exorcists that you suspect of being the Heart. You're going to throw both of them into the Earl's clutches?"

"Of course not. But Lenalee's invocation is back to normal, in case you've been ignorant of that fact, and she is nearly as literate in various Eastern languages as you are in Western ones. And Allen-kun has the Ark's abilities, not to mention his having reached Critical point. If anyone can get all of you out of there safely no matter how dire the circumstances, I'm confident it's him. And Krory and Kanda-kun have each destroyed a Noah before."

"Which is more than can be said for you, Lavi," Kanda added tartly. Lavi chose not to rise to that bait, though he was clearlyupset about the comment.

Komui pulled his glasses off and set them on the desk, giving Lavi a hard look; "What's going on? Bookman expressed some concern about you going to Rome by yourself, but this incident with the clan was too important to postpone. What is it about Rome that has both of you concerned?"

"It's not Rome, it's the Vatican," Lavi said with some effort.

"What about it? You're operating under my direct orders, not the Vatican's."

"I don't mean the Holy See of the Vatican; I mean Vatican City."

Komui blinked momentarily; "All right. But what is the problem?"

Lavi looked supremely uncomfortable. "You do know that neither the Earl, nor any of his Noah or Akuma, have ever been reported within Vatican City, right? It's not coincidence. The Earl has no respect for the Pope, you know. There's a reason he stays away."

"There's a barrier of a sort, so I understand," Komui said.

"Yes, there is. The thing is, if it's powerful enough to repel the Earl, it's also powerful enough to cancel out the power of Innocence."

There was a stunned silence. Komui gestured for Lavi to elaborate.

"The barrier around Vatican City is a purifying one, and it blocks dark matter, but to do so effectively, it has to block Innocence too, since Innocence is the polar opposite of dark matter. It's to protect the Pope and the Holy See. It's intangible to a normal person, but to those of us who are sensitive to Innocence or similar powers, it's pretty staggering."

"It makes sense that Innocence won't be necessary in a place where the Earl can't go. Why would you need to invoke? There won't be any Akuma to fight, right?"

"My Innocence isn't just a weapon. It's the adhesive for who I am."

Komui's forehead wrinkled in annoyance. "Lavi, you're not making any sense now. Slow down and explain what you mean."

Lavi grumbled; "Dammit, I didn't really want to go into this." He rubbed his neck in a nervous gesture. "Look, I'm a bookman. I'm not an actor, despite what you might think. When we take on an identity, we do more than just take a name. We become that person, temporarily. Behaviors and personality quirks are linked to the persona. The persona in turn is bound to something within the wearer's grasp, usually a physical object, often worn on the body. Up until this last time, I always had my personae bound to my eyepatch simply because I never take it off if I can help it." He stopped, looking at the floor. He refused to meet anyone's eyes.

The silence lengthened. After an almost unbearable, tense pause, Lavi cleared his throat and continued. "When Oudzuchi Kodzuchi was forged, Jiiji assigned me a persona and a name, and bound them both to the hammer's Innocence. So if my Innocence is destroyed, or if it is canceled out so that it stops working, there's a chance that what you all know as 'Lavi' will disappear. And what'll be left behind will be an emotionless, unfeeling person you can just call Bookman Junior."

Allen found himself unable to talk. Part of him wanted to yell at Lavi for not telling him this sooner. Hadn't Lavi told him that there were some secrets they shouldn't keep from each other? And part of him was just downright upset, for no good definable reason.

Komui folded his hands on top of the desk and gave Lavi a long, firm look. "So how does this affect your mission?"

"The mission itself won't be affected; I'm hardwired to follow orders, no matter what persona I take on. So if you're concerned that I may rebel if 'Lavi' is destroyed, that's not the issue. However, Bookman Junior is not interested in being an Exorcist; if 'Lavi' is erased, even though I live, you lose an Exorcist. That's why Jiiji sealed the persona to the Innocence; because, if the persona is lost, the Innocence is useless. If Jiiji were with me, he could control what happens to 'Lavi' if the barrier interrupts it, since he's the one who gave me that persona and bound it. If worse came to worst, he could unbind it, so that it isn't forcibly severed, and then reset it later."

"Then it seems imperative to me to send Allen-kun with you. If anyone knows you intrinsically, it's him, right?"

"Komui, you're not listening to me! It doesn't matter how well someone knows 'Lavi' -- if that persona is erased by the barrier, there's nothing anyone can do! There is no easy fix to it! Jiiji is the only one who can prevent the complete dissolution of my persona, and there's not even any guarantee that he could do that much; Allen can't do jack shit to prevent it. And if it happens without prevention, there is no fixing it! That's like trying to resurrect the dead. 'Lavi' will be dead, for all practical purposes."

"One more question: If that happens, will that put you at risk to become a Togaochi?"

"Highly unlikely. I didn't acquire the persona until after Oudzuchi Kodzuchi was forged; this persona isn't necessary for it to work. And the barrier around the Vatican doesn't reduce a person's synchronization rate to zero. It just scrambles the synchro rate to make it unstable. In fact, it is believed that someone at or beyond Critical Point can still activate, if Sokaro is to be believed. So a gensui will only be annoyed by it. But someone with lower synchronization, like myself, is bugger out of luck."

There was a heavy silence.

"I'll keep him in line, Komui," Kanda said finally. "Bookman can't be the only one who can control this idiot."

Lavi's face twisted into a look of pure fury; "Stop that, Yuu. You have no idea what you'll be up against."

"Don't I?" Kanda turned his attention to the redhead. "I spar with you whenever you pester me into it; you've never once beaten me. And I've never had to go to full strength. You can't possibly outfight me."

Lavi rolled his eyes. "All I can say is, underestimate Bookman Junior, or Deak in particular, and you're as good as dead. There's a reason I'm the pride of the clan."

"Deak?" Allen found his voice again. No one else in the room was talking. It was almost like they were afraid to speak.

Kanda jerked his chin at Allen; "If you lose yourself, I am willing to bet money that Beansprout will pull you back out of whatever miasma you get yourself in."

Lavi clenched his hands in his hair in frustration; "Goddamn, you're not listening either! None of you are! You're all blindly putting your faith in Allen!"

"Blindly?" Kanda raised an eyebrow. "I don't 'blindly' put faith anywhere. And it's not a matter of faith in Beansprout's abilities, so much as it is a knowledge of just how damned stubborn he is."

"I give up!" Lavi threw his hands in the air. "Whatever. I'm not the one who'll be most hurt by this if it happens! Just don't say I didn't warn you." He pointed a finger accusingly at Komui. Kanda, in an uncharacteristic flare of anger, grabbed the redhead by a hank of hair and yanked him aside. The Supervisor just shook his head and sighed, looking over at Allen.

"Allen-kun, I'm going to give you one of these transmitters; I want you to keep in contact with us for as long as you can. We'll be tracking Cross and Sokaro. You'll meet up with both of them eventually. They're both headed toward Rome to meet up with you, but you'll travel with whichever one you encounter first. If the Vatican gets involved, and we're lucky, Cross will be the one to deal with the Vatican. Otherwise, I'll have to probably intervene if the Pope tries to sink his claws into you lot. Not exactly sure how I'll do that, but I'll think of something."

Allen accepted the transmitter that resembled a gold linear earring, clamping it onto his earlobe.

"Use the Ark only if you must. We don't even know if it's openable inside the Vatican. But don't hesitate to get everyone out of there. Your lives are more important than the artifact, if it comes down to that."

Allen nodded in acceptance. "Should we leave immediately?"

"Yes. The sooner you get there and get out, the better. Reever is lining up a series of trains for you all to travel on. Everyone is dismissed."

As the Exorcists turned to take their leave, Allen caught Lavi's eye. The redhead looked both hurt and angry. That in turn made Allen rather angry and hurt. The two of them tarried a bit in the office, eyeing each other uncomfortably. Once the room was empty of everyone except themselves and Komui, Allen spoke, softly. "Lavi, why didn't you tell me?"

"You didn't ask. It's not information I willingly volunteer. Hell, I wouldn't have said anything about it even now, had Komui not dragged it out of me."

Allen hesitantly approached him. "But... you're the one who said we shouldn't keep this kind of secret from each other."

"I repeat: You. Didn't. Ask. I have a lot of skeletons in my closet, Allen. I'm not going to just go airing them without provocation."

"Why would I ask something like that? I had no idea it was even possible!"

"Then stop yelling at me for not telling you about it! And if you want me to keep my promise, you'll drop the subject right now. We're not alone, you know."

Allen had no response to that, and turned away, suddenly unwilling to let Lavi see him hurting.

"Lavi?" Lenalee ventured, as the wind blew through the partially opened window of their box on the train. The five Exorcists were ensconced in a luxury first class box, such as it was, but with five of them there, it was a wee bit cramped. Especially with the tangible tension between Allen and Lavi. Lavi was sitting by the window, enjoying the breeze. Allen sat across from him, watching the landscape fade behind them; Krory and Kanda both sat by the door, each engrossed in reading something. Lenalee sat between Allen and Krory, looking at Lavi with concern.

"Mm?"

"Are you sure this is completely out of your hands like that? That you can't resist it? I mean, you overcame what Road Kamelot did to you."

Lavi made a noise that was almost like an attempt at a chuckle. "I'm guessing none of you has ever been to Vatican City, then. The shield around it waxes and wanes with the Earl's activity level, or so I'm given to understand, but it's been there perpetually. It's not pleasant to be around, I'll say that. Even before I had my Innocence, I didn't like being anywhere near Vatican City."

"Dumbass," Kanda said mildly. "I've been there a half-dozen times, and it's never done anything to me. Even Beansprout's been to Vatican City. Are you really that weak, Lavi?"

Lavi chose to ignore that. "Last time I was in Vatican City, the barrier stripped me of my persona. Let's see... I think that one was Acheron? My thirty-seventh, as I recall. Granted, I was about to abandon it anyway, but the purifying properties took care of it for me. It was the single most horrifying abandonment of a persona I've ever had, because it was ripped from me."

Allen abruptly stood up.

"Allen-kun?" Lenalee was alarmed. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I just need to... get some air." He stepped out of the box and headed for the end of the rail car.

"Lavi," Krory said benignly, his eyes flicking over to the redhead, "perhaps you should follow him. He looks upset."

"He's pissed at me," Lavi sighed. "I'm probably not welcome around him right now."

"I don't know which of you is the bigger moron," Kanda said disgustedly. "And I don't know what's more aggravating -- sappy lovebirds, or moping lovers in the midst of a stupid quarrel."

"Kanda," Lenalee scolded gently. "Be nice."

"I don't have to be nice."

Finally, Lavi sighed and stood up. "Yeah, I suppose you're right, Kro-chan. But if you hear a loud noise, it's probably him slamming me against the side of the car in his anger. I might need some help at that time."

"As long as it is in anger, then yes; otherwise, I think we should leave you two alone," Krory said blandly, but with just enough innuendo in his voice that Lavi turned beet red. Lenalee blinked, and Kanda made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat.

"Remind me to punch you in the nose, Kro-chan," Lavi growled, before exiting the box and following Allen's path.

Allen was standing outside, at the rail in the back of the car. The wind from the train's movement was blowing his white hair all over the place, and his long coat whipped in the air as well.

"Allen?" He ventured tentatively. "Look, Allen, I didn't want to hurt you, but there are things about me that you... well, you just don't want to know. Trust me. I'd rather forget them." He positioned himself at the rail as well, close enough to touch Allen if the situation warranted it, but leaving enough space to allow Allen to make the first move.

There was a long silence punctuated only by the steady clicking of the train on its tracks. Then Allen spoke softly, almost too softly.

"I don't want you to change, Lavi." The younger Exorcist raised his face, and Lavi saw with a start that there were tearstains on his cheeks. "I want you just the way you are. I need the Lavi I fell in love with. I can't get that fear out of my head. It's not like me to dwell on something like this. But..." He turned to Lavi, stepping close and wrapping his arms around Lavi's waist, clinging to him. "I haven't needed anyone this much since Mana died. I was powerless to save him. I could do nothing but sit beside his grave and cry."

Lavi's arms encircled Allen's shoulders, and he pressed his mouth against the sleek white hair. "I didn't want to worry you, Allen, because I honestly thought Jiiji would be with me."

"I'm not angry with you for not telling me... at least, not anymore I'm not," Allen murmured against his shoulder. "I'm just scared. More scared than I can recall ever being. The more I'm with you, the more I need you. You're like the lights of heaven and the waters in the earth to me. It's scaring the hell out of me, to need anyone this much. This can't be healthy."

"I think you're just frightened and vulnerable, that's why you think you need me so much," Lavi said gently. "This is why I didn't want us to go as far as we did. I don't care how mature you are for your age, you're still in chaos inside. Throwing sex on top of all that just makes it all worse."

"Sex has nothing to do with this, Lavi! I'm not just talking about you as a lover. I'm talking about you as a friend and a working partner! I'm not ready to lose you! I don't know that I'll ever be 'ready' for such a thing, but right now, you've become so important to me, as more than just a lover, that I'm scared to death of what life without you will be like."

"Well, we can always hope that the artifact isn't inside the Vatican. Last I heard, the Finder that found it wasn't planning on alerting the Papal staff. If that's the case, if it's not in the Vatican's possession, then all this worry is pointless. If it is in the Vatican's possession, then maybe Cross can get them to hand it over for a little while. And hell, who knows? Maybe the barrier won't affect me this time. Perhaps all that crap about the barrier canceling out Innocence is over hyped. I'm just not going to push my luck. I wanted Komui to be prepared for the long-term consequences if I have to enter that barrier unprotected."

"But if you do lose the persona, if 'Lavi' disappears, that means that you won't love me anymore, right?" Allen nearly choked on the words. "You said that Bookman Junior is cold and unfeeling."

"I'm afraid that I can't answer that. I can only say that you won't want me if I become Bookman Junior. Bookman Junior is trained to ignore emotions, and is disdainful of normal humans. I'm sorry, Allen. I want to reassure you, but I can't bring myself to lie to you."

"I don't know why, but I'm reminded of when we first met, you know, after Road gouged out my eye? I asked you if you were afraid of always been an Akuma's target, and you said you were more afraid of humans. Was that true or not? I don't know what's true with you anymore."

"That much is true, though the context belies its meaning. Since becoming an Exorcist, I've learned not to fear or despise average people as much, because as an Exorcist, it's my job to protect them. As a bookman, I'm supposed to just sit back and let things happen as they will, not interfering. We bookmen tend to have a natural dislike for you 'warmongering' humans. I'm trained to view all people as mere figures in a play, or as Jiiji calls it, 'ink on paper.' Bookmen don't get attached to anyone but other bookmen, except in extremely rare instances, because no one else but another bookman can understand our way of thinking."

Closing his eyes, Lavi squeezed Allen's shoulders.

"Just know this much, Allen: whatever else happens, you were the first non-bookman to break through to me. To some degree, that binds us. We have a saying in the clan: 'a Bookman has no need for a heart.' And in lieu of killing mine, I've given it to you. Perhaps that will be my saving grace, if you can keep it safe."

It was unspoken between them, but they both knew somehow that this was going to get ugly. Somehow, both of them knew that Vatican would have the artifact in its clutches, and if Komui was to be believed, Pope Leo XIII wasn't about to surrender the artifact without a fight. The longer it took them to get to Rome, the more likely it was that the artifact would fall into the Pope's hands. And that would mean Lavi would have to enter Vatican City. And that meant...

Lavi just held Allen close, while the white-haired Exorcist clung to him and sobbed softly into his shirt. The wind swirled around them both, but Allen clung to his lover, trying to keep his emotions from overtaking him again. Off on their right, the Alps soared into view, way off in the distance, as if mocking them by reminding them just how far from Rome they really were.

Finally, Allen sighed. "Even if you do disappear, Lavi, I'll find you and bring you back. That's the only thing that's keeping me sane right now: no matter what, if you get lost, I'll find you and bring you back."

I wish I could be so confident, Allen. Lavi thought, closing his eyes against the harsh reality. If "Lavi" is lost, there's nothing you can do. Since "Lavi" doesn't physically exist, if the ties are broken, there is just no restoring it.

"Whatever else happens, Allen, just remember that I love you. Take strength from that. If I have to go into that barrier, I'll cling to my love for you."

And hope to God that it works...

Stay tuned for "Angelus : Part Five : The Lights of Heaven"

After-word and notes:
And now the story is taking a turn back to drama. I have it planned out to seven full chapters. I hope you all can forgive me if there is little to no sex anymore in the story, because things are about to get complicated and desperate, not overly conducive to sex. I'm actually kind of looking forward to this twist, because it's going to be a lot of fun, and a lot of work, to write.