Confessions of a Broken Heart
-The F i v e Worst Words –
Soundtrack: The Guest; Juliet Simms
--
I could have just left. It would have killed me, but who's to say he would have noticed?
--
Gippal was back to avoiding her. She thought that maybe he would approach her and try to fix things, but all her accusations were proving to be right. He wouldn't talk to her, look at her, nothing. She found relief in Yuna and occasionally Tidus, but only when he was convenient.
She missed him more than anything. Rikku figured that maybe if she yelled at him a little, kind of pushed him around and got everything out of her system, she wouldn't feel like she missed him. But it was there, curled up in the bottom of her stomach and reminding her constantly of what she was missing. Her dad was happy that she wasn't getting any more detention, but Rikku missed the stale classroom, vulgar blitzers and bitchy teachers. She missed everything Gippal. The way his car smelled, the way he smelled, the way they would cut class to get lunch and stay out late on weekends to sneak into movies and eat too much popcorn. She had known him for two months and she was attached to him with steel chains.
But, she felt like she had really known him. She wanted to hit him but at the same time…hug him.
Walking through the school halls with Yuna and Tidus, Rikku tried to confront her emotions.
"It's not fair that I feel like this and he isn't showing any kind of struggle, you know? Am I the only one that's hurting inside?" She questioned.
"I think he's hurting, but doesn't want to show it. Gippal has a typical male complex that prevents him from showing, as he sees it, weakness for a girl," Tidus responded. "But don't think he's not struggling. It may not look like it, but I know him well, and I can tell he misses you."
Rikku pouted and put her head on Yuna's shoulder. "This sucks."
"He'll come around eventually, Rikku. I know it," Tidus comforted.
"Yeah, don't worry. Everything will work itself it, okay?" Yuna looked at her friend. She was distraught.
"Okay. If you say so…"
--
Rikku was worried. She hadn't spoken to Gippal in at least two weeks since she blew up at him, but her feelings for him weren't letting up. If anything, they were getting stronger. Every morning she woke up and she thought of him. Every night when she was falling asleep she thought of him. Occasionally, she dreamt of him. In her dreams, Gippal would hold her and tell her he was sorry and he wouldn't leave her again. Dream Gippal sometimes seemed a bit nicer than the real Gippal but deep inside, Rikku knew there was no replacement for him. No matter how hard she hoped there was.
Walking to lunch, Rikku sighed. What was she going to do with herself? She looked down at the floor and quickened her pace.
"Rikku!" Her head snapped up painfully. She put a hand to her neck and looked around cautiously. She could have sworn she just heard him calling her name, but that was crazy. He didn't want anything to do with her. She smiled wistfully and continued on.
"Rikku!" She stopped. Okay, she was crazy. She turned around as student after student bumped into her.
A blonde head bobbed into her vision and she froze. Was he going to apologize or tear her to pieces?
He fought his way through the crowd until he was right in front of her. Seeing his face broke a dam inside of Rikku and she had to fight with herself to not reach out and touch the smooth skin. Their relationship was precarious enough as it was.
"Hey," He said breathlessly. "I was looking for you."
"Well, you found me," Rikku flinched at the double meaning. The air between them became electrified and she was afraid to move, to breathe. She waited a few tense moments before speaking again. Better that she wasn't the only one to feel uncomfortable and stuff, yeah? "Did you need something?"
He frowned. "Yeah, about that…" Gippal shifted awkwardly and rubbed his neck. Rikku's eyes widened and she ripped the hand that was still on her neck away. When did she pick that up? "I wanted t', uh…apologize."
Oh. What?
"I shouldn't have done what I did." Anger flared within Rikku.
"Oh, you mean kissed me?" She clenched her fists. "Where the hell do you get off apologizing for it like it was a mistake? What if it meant something, huh? You jerk!" She pouted and poked him in the chest for good measure. "You may be sorry, but I'm not," She breathed heavily.
He smirked. "I actually meant the avoidin' part."
Rikku made her face blank. Boy, she wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, was she?
"Well…I miss you, so I…wanted t'…yeah," Gippal finished lamely. Rikku held back her bright smile. What if he was lying? She bit her lip and fought internally. She wanted to reach out and hold him to convince herself that this could be made better, but what if it couldn't? Rikku didn't want to hold out for something that wouldn't come. Putting her life on hold she wouldn't do for him. She would wait for him, but not forever.
"I missed you too," She said quietly. He looked at her with an open face. Her lip trembled. "Why did you do that, Gippal?" Her eyes bore into him with such intensity that he almost backed away. "I thought we had something, you know? I told you I really liked you, and you promised I wouldn't be another Vanessa, and then you…" Rikku couldn't think of what to say. "Why?"
He reached out a hand and put it on her shoulder. It smoothed down her sleeve until it reached her elbow, then her hand, and he gripped it soundly.
"I wish you hadn't…I mean, what if-when did I-you-I love you," Rikku sputtered. Her eyes widened as she realized that her secret was revealed. She made to back away but Gippal's other hand snaked out to touch her face.
"And I love you," He said softly.
Rikku smiled and put her forehead against his. Maybe her internal struggles, her anger, and all of her mixed emotions had been worth it. Just maybe…