PICKUP NO JUTSU

Part Two: Neji

Naruto was not having the best week. Sasuke had been trying to take the "team" out of teammates at all the opportune moments, and quite a few of the inopportune ones as well. Why did he always attract broody, emotionally-retarded shinobi instead of the confident, beautiful kunoichi he desired? He could never understand it.

Fortunately for our bright-eyed hero, salvation from Sasuke's homoerotic intentions arrived in the form of one Hyuuga Neji grabbing him by the arm and yanking him into Express for Ninja as he passed by. Sasuke stormed intensely past, thinking there was no way Naruto would voluntarily enter that store. The minx was probably using henge or something ... well, Sasuke was looking forward to giving his foxy little tease some "punishment". He activated his Sharingan and smirked dementedly as he continued his pursuit.

"Gosh, that was close," Naruto breathed in relief. "Thanks, Neji!"

"It was just destiny," Neji replied, trying to look nonchalant and failing. Understand, each clan of Konoha has a speciality. For example, the Inuzuka clan's keen sense of smell made wonderful trackers. The Hyuugas, on the other hand, were Fire Country's finest stalkers, and Neji was the best in 30 years, far surpassing whatever creepiness Hinata could muster up. Seasoned Byakugan users could count pubic hairs from a dozen yards away, not to mention locate and activate the 64 pleasure points each human had. Of course, Naruto, for reasons Neji had yet to fathom, had 128 ... Blood began to leak from Neji's left nostril as he giggled to himself.

It was around then that Naruto realized that Neji had yet to let go of his arm. He wasn't sure he was comfortable with the way Neji was looking at him - like he was the last cup noodle on the supermarket shelf or something! The older boy's name did mean screw. "Uh," he said eloquently. "So ... heh heh heh ... what's up, Neji?"

Neji adjusted his man-skirt, worried about what Naruto might be referring to. "I'm feeling quite wonderful ... now-that-you've-graced-me-with-your-presence-Naruto-kun." He whispered the last part in a rush. Hyuugas, while very attractive, were horrible at flirting. It had something to do with the law of equivalent exchange ... equivalent exchange and insanely good hair.

"Eh?" Naruto squinted uncertainly.

"Naruto ... the truth is ..." Neji's white eyes shifted from side to side. What should he say? How could he succeed where the Uchiha had failed? Sure, he was a better ninja, but 90 percent of a Hyuuga's most romantic relationships were strictly one-sided. When Hanabi tried to make the moves on Tenten with a "nice buns" comment, she'd been shot down like a wonky shuriken. "... my caged bird curse seal is giving me cancer. I have one month left to live before I'm fated to ..." he paused dramatically, his dark sheet of hair glimmering in synch with the sparkle of unshed tears in his eyes, "... DIE."

"WHAT?!" Naruto screamed in horror. "It can't be, Neji! Is there anyway to cure you?! Have you talked to Tsunade-baa-chan?! Surely there must be a way! Fight it, Neji - you control your own fate! My way of the ninja is to never give up, and I won't give up on you."

"Oh Naruto," Neji whispered, his heart fluttering at Naruto's words. "Even Hokage-sama is unable to change my tragic destiny. This foe is too great. All I want now ... is to not die before being intimate with the person I find most precious. That person is you, Naruto."

Naruto's perfect pink lips formed a little 'o'. "Neji, I -"

"Shhh." Neji pressed a finger to Naruto's mouth. "If you were a tear, I'd never cry again, no matter how much pain and darkness I suffered, just to make sure I'd never lose you ..." Then, he moved his finger and pressed his lips against Naruto's. Neji was a sloppy kisser, but Naruto didn't say anything - the boy was dying from cancer, after all, which made Naruto feel bad. Really bad! If he wanted to be worthy of the title of Hokage one day and serve the needs of all the people, he should at least be able to give a cancerous boy with a crippled forehead his dying wish. Right?

And so, that night, Naruto closed his eyes, spread his legs, and thought of Konoha.

NEXT PART: Legendary Sannin, Jiraiya!

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews/favorites/alerts so far. :D They mean a lot to me! Just so y'all know, there will be no "explicit" scenes, and no "serious" hooking up, as these are supposed to be the WORST lines Naruto has ever heard.

P.S. Bonus pickup line from Shino: "As a bug expert, I think I should examine your fly." Oh, and Gaara: "The voice in my head told me to come over here and talk to you ..."