PICKUP NO JUTSU
Part Three: Jiraiya
Naruto left Konoha feeling pretty depressed.
Sasuke had reacted in a completely psychotic way in response to Naruto's "commitment issues" (they had never been dating!), and ended up flouncing off to Orochimaru, a man who Sasuke claimed "treated him like every Uchiha princess deserves". The aftermath not only resulted in Sasuke nearly ripping out Naruto's heart (literally), but also sending Orochimaru's minions to brutally take down the other "retrieval whores", including Neji - who was dying of cancer!
Naruto knew Sasuke was special - REALLY special - but he'd been way over-dramatic. That didn't stop Naruto from wanting to bring him back and explain things though, for if there's one thing that a future Hokage isn't, it's a tease. Sasuke's accusation severely marred Naruto's reputation, probably even more than having a Weapon of Mass Destruction in his belly. Plus ... Naruto didn't want to admit it, but Sasuke was a much better kisser than Neji (Kami bless his soul).
Sadly, Naruto had bigger problems that Sasuke's bitch fit. This group called Akatsuki wanted to "get inside him" in the worst of ways, and they didn't take "no" for an answer. Talk about stranger danger! The wackiest of these wackos was none other than Sasuke's big brother Itachi. If Sasuke was a little clingy, Itachi was a full-out, batshit obsessed stalker. This made it next to impossible for Naruto to be safe from dudes jumping his bones no matter where or how he hid.
The solution to this mess, as proposed by Tsunade-baa-chan, was to saddle Naruto off with the straightest man she knew, her former teammate Jiraiya. And so, after many tearful goodbyes (especially to poor, poor Neji - Naruto later sent flowers to the Hyuuga family, though Hinata ended up intercepting them before they could be placed on Neji's "grave" and ate them), Naruto was off on a thee-year long quest to grow strong enough to defend himself against Akatsuki's perverted advances AND beat the knowledge that he wasn't a tease into Sasuke.
Unfortunately, Tsunade had greatly underestimated Naruto's propensity to turn nearly any man into a Narutosexual.
Granted, Jiraiya was stronger in the Female-loving Force than most. He resisted bravely, throwing himself at woman after woman in the name of the cause ... but in the end, he too succumbed. It began with a desire to "observe" Naruto's seal for changes. Repeatedly.
"I'm pretty sure it's changing this time," Jiraiya intoned mysteriously. "I think I am going to have to inspect a bit closer."
For some indiscernible reason, Naruto was eventually required to be naked for these check-ups. Naruto wasn't exacly the sharpest shuriken in the pouch, but when "medical" massages on the seal with the Ero-sennin's tongue became mandatory, he got a bit suspicious.
"I think you're taking advantage of me!" Naruto finally declared during one session.
"You don't say," Jiraiya deadpanned. "Where would you have ever gotten the idea that I don't respect proper boundaries when it comes to those I'm sexually interested in."
Naruto was furious, and not even for himself. "You're such an ero-bastard! What about those other girls - Mariko-chan and Eri-chan and Sa-chan and Kaede-chan and ..." Naruto went on for about fifteen minutes. "You promised them that you loved them! Well, you whispered it to them as you peeked from 50 feet away! How could you treat a lady - well, ladies - like that?! Not even honoring your love - you should be ashamed."
Jiraiya grinned like a pimp. "All those other girls... They were just rough drafts. You, baby, you're the final copy!"
"..." Naruto didn't know enough words to express his disgust and disappointment, so he setted for: "You jerk!" He slapped every part of Jiraiya that was touching him (there were a lot) away viciously and yanked his pants back up.
"At least I'm not a tease," Jiraiya coughed unsubtly, giving Naruto a dark look.
Naruto's eyes flashed red as he growled. "What was that?!"
Jiraiya pulled down an eyelid and stuck his tongue out. "I said, 'No wonder Sasuke left, you Frigid. Fox. Fag.'"
And that was how Jiraiya learned about Naruto's four-tailed state.
NEXT PART: Orochimaru!