Warnings: In addition to anything you might expect with Orochimaru/Naruto, this chapter has allusions to incest.

PICKUP NO JUTSU

Part Four: Orochimaru

Uzumaki Naruto felt like an idiot of Kage-sized proportions.

Our hero, a shinobi capable of blasting through boulders with his Rasengan, raising armies with his Taijuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and changing the coldest of hearts with his shit-eating smiles and passionate promises, had been foiled by three simple words and one large, red button.

Do Not Push.

His enemies were clearly buying into the K.I.S.S. philosophy of ninja: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Or perhaps they modified it slightly to better apply to Naruto: Keep It Stupid, Simple…ton.

In any case, the ingenious (ungenious? antigenious?) trap led to the situation Naruto was in now … struggling futilely against the leather straps that bound him facedown to the one and only Snake Sannin's bed. Each desperate attempt to get free only resulted in the orange leather hot pants Kabuto dressed him in after his sponge bath tightening over his prominently displayed ass. He tried to twist his head around so he could at least see his captor, to no avail.

"Damn it!" he cursed, cheeks flushed in shame, tiny tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes. "What do you want, Snake-bastard? Just kill me if that's what you're after!"

Something that felt an awful lot like a hand firmly grabbed onto Naruto's left buttocks and squeezed before going around unbutton Naruto's trousers. As the hand pulled them down, a long, hot tongue licked a wet trail from the nape of Naruto's neck down to the dip of his back.

"Kukukuku," Orochimaru giggled sinisterly. "How would you like me to lick your seal from the inside, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto whimpered, terri-fucking-fied out of his mind, but also somehow … turned on?! He was sick. He was disgusting. He was … HOLY RAMEN!

Later on, after Jiraiya rescued his dumbass apprentice, Naruto thought thoughts that were deeper than the usual thoughts he thought. Maybe … Sasuke hadn't been so blind about Orochimaru after all. But … how would those skills help Sasuke against his brother? Unless …?!

Naruto's face flushed redder than a Sharingan. He was sick. He was disgusting. He stuck his hands down his pants.

NEXT (AND FINAL!) PART: Uchiha Itachi!

A/N: I've not abandoned this! So I tell myself. Argh, it's not even like the chapters are long, I've just been overwhelmed with RL and my Naruto muse has been very Straight as of late. In any case, thank you for reading!

P.S. Bonus Pickup Line from Kakashi: "So Naruto, since you've been off training for three years, you should tell me about yourself so I can know, as your sensei, if anything has changed -- stuff like your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number."

And from Sai: "Being competent and my penis ... Both are hard for you."