Miguel's (tear stained, angst written) diary entry

Okay, so I posted two chapters at once, so sue me! I have dozens left, but I'm waiting for reviews before I post the rest. Besides, I'm on poets block. The next ones I'm writing are poems written by the various characters. Please read and Review!

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30th July, on the plane to Russia, to Kai. Finally.

Beautiful Phoenix

Eternal Flame

Burning Passion

Everlasting Love

I feel you in my arms

I feel your hands in mine

But you're slipping away

Immortal Phoenix

Please don't let go

Don't leave me Phoenix

To face this world alone

You are everything to me

My only reason to live

I say goodbye

And I pray I'll see you tomorrow

I can hear you calling me

Wishing I could be there

I'm coming, my phoenix.

Wait for me.

Undying Hope

Unfaltering Faith

Unflinching Determination

Understanding Wisdom

My Phoenix

My love

Please don't go.

This is a pathetic poem, I know, but I needed to write something, or else I'd go mad right now. I'm finally on the plane that's taking us to Russia; and closer to Kai. I can't believe that my phoenix has cancer. Terminal cancer. It's insane. And even more insane, he's being too stubborn to admit it to anyone, though everyone knows, and he still won't go for treatment. My God. I know he's just being noble, and not burdening anyone with his problems, but why can't he think logically? I love my phoenix, but sometimes he can drive me to insanity with what he does. Every time he gets hurt, he masks the pain.

Birds in the wild do that too, so they aren't seen as weak. Damn the abbey, damn Boris, for doing this to Kai. Damn the Blitzkrieg Boys for making Kai's life so… No. I can't blame them. If anything, they'd know what Kai was going through. They went through more hell than I'll ever understand. I owe everything to Tala at this point. It's thanks to him that I'm on a plane to try and convince my phoenix not to let himself die. Or to seduce him into actually listening to me, which would be easier and faster.

Either way, I am not letting Kai go another day without being in the hospital for treatment. But Spencer says I'll have to wait till the party. The plan is for me to go into Kai's room and just talk, then Tala brings in Breakfast, and after a while Kai comes down and everyone else is waiting for him. I only hope he doesn't pass out halfway through. I'd freak out myself. I can't be around unconscious people. Sleeping if fine, because I'm always cuddled up with Kai, and I can feel him in my arms.

Do you have any idea how thin and petite he is? Added to the fact that now he has cancer, he's even more fragile than before. He's always been on the small side. I keep telling him he's underweight, but the stubborn guy just smiles and kisses me to shut me up, and it works subtly every time. Scrawny little minx. But I love him with my life. Back to his weight issue; Spencer says it might have an effect on the cancer, and vice versa. The fact that Kai's so thin makes it terrible because he has less physical strength to rely on.

And the cancer might just be causing Kai to loose an excessive amount of weight (I'm not sure if it actually does, I don't know much about it) because he hardly eats anymore. How can they stand to eat what he cooks? I mean, it tastes great, but how can they stand it when they know Kai could have literally killed himself standing over that hot stove cooking for them? It's insane.

Claude took Valium to relax ( Kudos to Elemental Gypsy for the idea!), so now he's resting, but I can tell he's as worried about this as I am. Kai is like the brother he wishes he had; besides, Kai is the one helping Claude find someone suitable for him that can understand and live with his "condition". My phoenix is amazing when it comes to helping others. He puts so much of his heart into it. I adore him completely.

I don't want to loose Kai. I can't loose him. But if, god forbid, I do, I know he'll want me to look after Claude, as well as the orphans. That's Kai for you. Noble to the very end. But that end won't be coming anytime soon. Not unless I have something to say about it. And make no mistake; I do.

Miguel Lavalier