Four: I'm Sure You've Heard It All Before
- - -
When we last left our valiant heroes (and possibly an anti-hero or two), they had been shocked after Draco had accidentally sent Hermione back to the Marauders' time. Just thought you might like to know before we start the chapter.
"So she stepped in that dust and then just disappeared, huh?" Harry mused.
"Yes," drawled Draco sarcastically, "I think we already established that when she stepped into the dust and disappeared."
"Yeah. That's what I was saying." Harry sighed and struck a heroic pose. "Well –"
"Oh, don't strike a heroic pose!" Ron moaned, obviously miserable. "That's what you did before we went after Quirrell in our first year, and Lockhart in our second year, and Sirius in our third year. And you did that before you went into the maze in our fourth year, and when we went to 'save Sirius' –" Voldemort giggled like a little girl at this, remembering how he had tricked his old nemesis "– in fifth year. And before you went and got Dumbledore killed. So overall the death count is four when you strike a heroic pose."
"That's two times that didn't end in death!" Harry said optimistically. "As I was saying, it looks as if there's only one solution: we must also venture into this magical dust and back into the time of my forefathers. Come, Ronald! It is time to venture!"
Ron shook his head sadly. "Shit."
"Well," said Eugendoodle-Smith, "I think that –"
Suddenly a meteor fell from the sky and killed poor Igor. Our heroes and anti-heroes only noticed this after several minutes.
"Hey," Draco said suspiciously, "wasn't someone standing where that meteor just fell?"
"Oh yeah," Voldemort mused. "Looks like Igor has kicked the bucket." He did not seem at all distressed that his good friend had just died. "Seems that the Author was getting bored with him. He'll probably be resurrected after we save Hermione, and we finally require him to locate the Author."
"Ah."
And that was the last they spoke of Eugendoodle-Smith for quite a while. Good riddance. Damned OC.
"Yeah," Voldemort agreed, "that was a rather annoying OC. He was only good for a few running gags."
Suddenly a nearby squirrel spontaneously combusted, sending blood flying everywhere. Draco whined about how it had ruined his robes, whilst Harry lapped it up eagerly.
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Oh please! Even you called Igor a 'damned OC'! Let's face it, it would've been inconvenient to keep him along while we ventured into the Marauders' era!"
This time it was Harry who spontaneously combusted, sending both his blood and the recently ingested squirrel's blood flying everywhere. Ron picked up one of his ribs and wailed.
"You bastard!" he cried. "You killed Harry!"
"Yeah!" Draco exclaimed, forgetting that he hated old Scarhead. "He's a major character! You can't do that in the fourth chapter!"
Before they could even blink all of the bodily parts and blood (even the squirrel's blood) all flew together and Harry was reassembled, looking slightly frazzled.
I was just kidding. But watch out, you good-for-nothing major characters. You could be next!
"What the hell?" Harry muttered, bemused.
"The Author says to watch out," Ron informed him frankly. "Or else he's gonna give one of us the Bitchslap of Death."
"Well, that's not exactly what he said," Voldemort piped up, giving Ron an odd look, "but yeah, that's the general idea."
The Author, fed up at how slowly this chapter was moving along, sent a sudden burst of wind towards our valiant heroes. They all tumbled to the ground and into the dust, and immediately disappeared. This would save many more sentences of tedious dialogue, for which you, the reader, should be grateful.
They finally reappeared in front of a large willow tree, which hung dark and imposing over them. They could see the castle quite clearly in front of them, and the lake over to the side. Several students walked about, but none were Hermione.
"Ah," whined Draco, "that hurt."
"At least you didn't have Ron land on your touchy bits," muttered Voldemort darkly, wincing.
Ron did not appear to have heard Voldemort and instead was already standing, looking at the tree. "Hm… this tree looks a mite familiar, don't you think? I could've sworn that I've seen it somewhere before."
It was Harry who realized what tree they were standing in front of. "Oh bugger…"
Predictably the Whomping Willow gave a beating to our protagonists. With one fell swoop of a bark-covered limb, it sent them flying into the air with great force. In fact, they were sent flying with such great force that they ascended all the way to the seventh floor of the castle and came crashing through the reinforced stone walls. Finally, they settled in a room that looked oddly familiar to Harry and Ron, but not Draco and Voldemort.
"The Gryffindor boys' dormitory," Harry breathed.
"Oy, you gits," said a handsome boy with long black hair loudly, "what d'you think you're doing, crashing through our dormitory wall?"
"Yeah," said a small boy with blonde hair that curled at the ends, "it's not polite, you know."
Another boy who looked quite tired was inspecting the hole in the wall. "You just crashed through a wall of solid stone, you know. I think you may have internal bleeding."
"Come off it, Moony," said another boy with glasses, "they look fine to me."
"Yeah, James is right," said the first boy (the handsome one).
"James is always right," said the second boy adoringly (not the handsome one).
"Wait a minute," Harry breathed, staring at the fourth boy (not the tired or adoring or handsome one – the one with glasses). "You're my dad!"
The handsome boy looked at the boy with glasses. "You hear that, James? You're his dad! Looks like you were quite promiscuous when you were still in the womb!"
"I'm surprised to hear you use the word 'promiscuous', Sirius," said the boy known as Moony.
"Bugger all –"
"Excuse me!" Voldemort declared loudly. They all stopped and stared. "Now, who exactly are you?"
The glasses boy, James, gawked at our former villain. "Mate, sorry to break it to you, but you look like a snake with pink hair."
"You should probably go to the Hospital Wing about that," piped up the small boy.
"And about the internal bleeding," said Moony.
"Who are you people?" spat Draco.
The boys grinned and shared a knowing look. "We're the MARAUDERS!"
Suddenly a catchy theme song began playing in the background.
"James!" said a deep voice as the boy with glasses stepped up.
"Sirius!" said the voice as the handsome boy stepped up.
"Remus!" said the voice as the tired boy stepped up.
"That bugger Peter who's going to betray us all!" said the voice as the small boy stepped up.
"You're my dad!" Harry exclaimed, pointing to James.
James just blinked. "What?"
The rest of the evening was spent informing the Marauders of who they were and explaining the situation (except for the bit about Hermione – they had to be quite careful in case she'd already been here for some time). They drank illegally obtained firewhisky (even Remus) and shared stories over a camp fire that had sprung up in the middle of the room.
"Remus here likes Sirius!" James said bawdily.
"Do not!" Remus proclaimed.
"Do too!"
"Ah, come on, Remus!" Ron moaned, getting up. "If you like Sirius, you won't get to hook up with this one chick Tonks –"
"My cousin Andromeda's married to Ted Tonks," piped up Sirius, bemused.
"Yeah well Remus here hooked up with their daughter where we came from."
"Ooh!" Peter spat. "Way too old for her!"
"Ah, it's only twelve years," Voldemort pointed out, "which in modern society it's not too big of a deal, especially when we wizards live to be 150."
"Anywho if you fancy him you won't hook up with Tonks!" shouted Ron anxiously. "He's gonna die anyway!"
Sirius spat out his firewhisky. "What?"
"And she's not a bad looker, this Tonks!" continued Ron, ignoring Sirius. "I mean, she can transform and all that even if you don't like how she looks! And even naturally she's got a cute bum and all! If you like him, Remus, you're never going to get to bang that!"
As if to illustrate the point Ron made a lewd gesture that involved him thrusting his hips forward repeatedly. Remus paled considerably.
"You make a good point," he stated, unsure. "If I like him, I don't get to bang a good-looking girl. Point taken. But I don't like Sirius, anyway. There's this transfer student from America…"
"Oh, God," Sirius moaned loudly, resting his head against the wall and forgetting about his own self-pity for a moment, "not Rose Crystal. Not again."
"Why not, Sirius? She's brilliant, pretty, nice, an elemental, holds the key to our survival, might be a Death Eater in secret… the list just goes on and on."
"Sirius is jealous," James snickered.
"Am not!" Sirius exclaimed. "Besides, I couldn't care less about Remus or his little Rose. There's this new girl that's pretty damn hot, you know…"
"Do tell more, Sirius!" Peter said eagerly.
James looked at Peter, concerned. "Hold on. Usually we ignore Peter because whatever author is writing a fic about us hates him because he's eventually going to betray us."
Oh. Right. It is done. Peter shall be ignored.
"I don't want to be ignored!" Peter protested, but no one heard him.
"So who's this girl, Sirius?" Harry asked, looking at him with deep, soulful eyes. "Are you experiencing inner pain? Does your heart feel like it's being attacked by a blind gorilla with a chainsaw? Do you want to write a song about it and cut your wrists and black your eyes?"
"I'm not so sure about all that other stuff," Sirius replied, "but her name's Hermione Granger."
Ron groaned and dropped the bottle of firewhisky. Draco swore loudly. Voldemort sighed.
"It is as I feared," he said remorsefully. He rolled up his sleeves and stood, as if preparing to get to work. "We shall have to kill the whole lot! We will leave no witnesses –"
"No, Tommy!" Ron protested, leaping up opposite him. "Don't! We can't!"
"But there are no witnesses," Voldemort argued – it almost sounded like he was begging. "No one will know it was us!"
"Trust me, the first guy they're going to suspect is the snake-man with pink hair. Okay, well, if Kingsley's around, the first guy they're going to suspect is the black guy, and if this were the 21st century, the first person they'd suspect would be one of the Patils." Ron ruffled his hair wearily. "But racism aside… come on, Voldemort. You've been so good lately… you can't have a relapse! You've gotta stay strong, man!"
Voldemort looked at the floor, defeated. "But I wanna have a relapse," he whined. "Kill! Kill, kill, kill!"
"No! Don't kill!"
"Unless it's yourself," piped up Harry. "There's nothing wrong with that, I don't think. I try to do it all the time but it never works, anyway. But my soul has already wilted away and died, so it really doesn't matter."
"That's nice, Harry," said Remus kindly.
"Yeah, real nice!" Draco sneered bitterly, realizing that he had not been an annoying arse for quite some time. "Listen, Black, I don't care if you want to marry this girl! I'm Draco Malfoy! I own practically everything, if you hadn't noticed! Besides, you're going to end up good anyway even after you rot in Azkaban for twelve years. I need Hermione so I can become good and do all that redemptive pattern stuff and become one of you moral pansies! I need to beat Snape to the whole redemption thing!"
"But I love her!" Sirius argued.
"So do I!" Ron exclaimed before stopping all of a sudden and shaking his head. "I mean, she's just my friend! She can date Vicky if she wants! I just need to get her back to our time so we can continue this whole sexual tension thing we've got going on!"
"Yeah!" agreed Harry. "I love this whole sexual tension thing they have going on! And the squabbling, too! It's not like it takes an emotional toll on me or anything!"
"See! Even Harry agrees with me!"
"Yeah," drawled Draco. Everyone looked at him, stunned that he had agreed with Ron. "What? I've got to turn good anyway, might as well do it now. And I need her back! I don't care if she goes back with Weasley, I can out-compete him!"
"Good point," said Harry.
"Hey!" exclaimed Ron indignantly. "I'm very indignant right now!"
Harry shrugged. "Just being honest."
Eventually they all drifted off into a drunken sleep, the issue remaining unresolved because we're obviously headed for some dramatic encounter later in the chapter. Some hours later they woke up (because the Author does not want to write all the boring stuff that happened in between).
"Hey, Harry," yawned Ron, "I just woke up."
"I know, Ron," Harry replied, taking a bottle of firewhisky out of his pants (don't ask). "You've been repeating what the Author has said for your last two lines of dialogue."
"Oh," said Ron, embarrassed. "I'm embarrassed."
"I know. Trust me, I know."
Suddenly the door burst open and there in the threshold of the boys' dormitory stood a glowing Hermione. She was sporting bell-bottom pants (the true signs of a canonical Marauders fic!) and a bright (insert popular '70's band here) t-shirt.
"Hey guys!" she exclaimed brightly. "I'm bursting into your dormitory because the word on the street is that Sirius and Ron are in love with me!"
"And me, too!" pronounced Draco dramatically.
"And me!" said Snape, stepping out of the shadows behind Hermione.
"And me!" declared Lily, stepping out from behind Snape.
"Wait a minute!" James shouted over all the confusion. "Just hold on for a second! There are a few things seriously wrong with this situation. First of all, how on earth would you already know that Sirius and Ron –"
"And me," Draco added.
"– and Draco are in love with you? They revealed that in a drunken stupor only last night! I don't think it's physically possible for you to know! Second of all, how the hell did Snivellus get in here? He's a Slytherin! That's what the passwords are for! And then Lily is neither… that way nor in love with you! She's supposed to fall for me, remember?"
"Shut up, Potter," Lily spat. "I hate you."
"Oh really? Or is that just the love-hate thing we've got going on?"
Lily blushed, her eyes darting around the room frantically. "I'm in love with Remus! I'm in love with Snape! I'm in love with Sirius! I'm in love with Peter!"
"Hold on!" James yelled, wagging his finger. "I can see how you might sympathize with Remus because of the whole werewolf thing, or how you might like Snape because you're convinced that he can change, or that you even fancy Sirius because of his wild image… but I have to draw the line at Peter. This is a Marauders fic, remember? No one likes Peter. He's a back-stabbing rat. Literally."
"I don't believe it," Lily sniffed.
"It's true! I even used a terrible joke like that to prove that I'm serious, Lily!"
"No," chortled Sirius, "I'm Sirius. You're James."
With that Sirius made his required pun joke (may God have sweet mercy on his soul) that must be in every Marauders fic and we may now continue.
"Well… okay, James," Lily sighed. She smiled innocently. "I always have loved you, anyways… as soon as I met you I knew that I wanted to be with you. I knew that I wanted to marry you. I knew that I wanted to bear your children, that I wanted you to shake me all night long –"
"Okay, enough detail!" Remus cut her off. "And besides, that song won't be released until July 1980, so I don't see why you're referencing it here. And this isn't one of those sappy romance fics."
"Oh, I've been a naughty girl, haven't I?" Lily asked in a silky-sweet voice, swinging her hips to and fro seductively. "James, you must punish me –"
"Not a smut fic either, Lily!"
"Back to the point!" Ron exclaimed irritably, running his hand through his hair in frustration. "Listen, 'Mione –"
"Horrible nickname, if you ask me," piped up Lupin.
"– I love you, baby. I love you. That's a fact. I love your bushy hair that isn't really bushy at all in the motion picture adaptations, and your braces that were removed in fourth year. I love your petite body that over the course of this fic has become the sexiest thing on earth. I want you, baby. When I'm lonely I think about you and I cry myself to sleep at night, thinking about Krum and all those other guys you've slept with –"
"I haven't slept with anybody, Ron!"
"Oh," said Harry bawdily, wagging his eyebrows, "I know for a fact that that isn't true, if you know what I mean!"
"Just listen!" Ron cut him off loudly. He sighed. "Listen, I know I can be a total jerk and an immature brat, but I need you, babe."
Hermione bit her lip. "Well…"
"But I want you!" cried Draco.
"But I want you!" cried Sirius.
"But I want you!" cried Ron.
A fight quickly ensued between the three, and it was only when Sirius unleashed an anaconda upon the other two with a handy bit of Transfiguration that Remus stopped them. "ENOUGH! Listen, there's only one way to settle this."
"Fight!" Sirius growled.
"Fight!" Draco whined.
"Fight!" Ron agreed.
"Fight!" Voldemort and Harry cheered.
"NO!" Remus shook his head wearily. "We're going to have a sing-off."
James raised an eyebrow. "A sing-off?"
"You know… kind of like karaoke," Remus explained. "Except they'll actually be singing. It happens in many songfics and the singer always gets the girl. But since we have three, whoever sings the best will win. And since we won't use all the lyrics, it shouldn't break any rules of any fanfiction sites or anything, although we're sure we won't be reported if it does, right?" He made a menacing gesture to the readers. That's you guys. Watch your backs.
"And the backup music?"
"Right here!" Harry piped up cheerfully. Suddenly he and Voldemort were armed with guitars (Harry an acoustic, Voldemort a semi-hollow electric – thought you might like to know). Snape was leering at them from behind his large stand-up bass (because Snape isn't cool enough for an electric bass), and Remus was behind a set of drums. "We're ready to go!"
"Er… all right," Ron said hesitantly. "But who's first?"
"I'll go!" offered Draco. He threw an arrogant look over at Hermione. "You're going to love this, sweetheart," he said, looking back to the band. "Okay, let's do this from the top, boys. Two barres in and then I'm starting. Okay, one, two, three, four…"
A piano started playing (somehow James had gotten behind that… don't even ask, the Author doesn't know how) a soft and mournful tune that enraptured the audience, particularly those that had been around in 1983.
"Turn around," crooned the backing band as Draco started:
"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round…
(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears!
(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by!
(Turn around), Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
(Turn around, bright eye) - Ron in particular hit this high note well - Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart!"
"So romantic!" Lily said happily. Draco shot her a cocky grin.
"(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild…
(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms!
(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry!
(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes.
(Turn around bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart!
(Turn around bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart!
"And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight!"Ron could be mouthing the last line for several minutes afterwards. (It was a powerful song, you must admit.)
"This one's for you, babe," Draco said before singing once more to the sound of James's piano:
"Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart.
"INSTRUMENTAL."
"Thank you for that last note, Author," Remus drawled sarcastically. "We really needed to know that. And that, of course, was 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' by Bonnie Tyler and all lyrics and music belong to their respective owners – it's a true classic that hasn't been released yet, but still. Well, that's it for Draco because that song's seven minutes long, so Sirius, you're up next."
He walked up to the stage that had appeared out of nowhere, winking at the rabid fangirls that had appeared out of nowhere.
"See if you can spot this one!"
Voldemort started off with a crazy guitar riff that was instantly recognizable to everyone in the room. After two go's the rest of the band joined in to make a wild cornucopia of sound.
"We could've done the acoustic version that he did on Unplugged," explained Sirius before he burst into song, "but the original's a classic!"
With that he stepped up to the microphone and began to sing in a distinctive, almost shout-like voice:
"What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long.
You know it's just your foolish pride."
The rest of the crowd burst into song for the chorus (as no one could even understand what he was saying during the verse):
" Hermione, you've got me on my knees.
Hermione, I'm begging, darling please.
Hermione, darling won't you ease my worried mind."
Everyone was too busy chattering to applaud his burst into a distinctive falsetto at the end of the chorus.
"He did not just change the lyrics of 'Layla' by Eric Clapton (all music and lyrics belong to him!), did he?" Draco whispered.
Hermione shrugged. "I thought it was romantic."
"Of course you would, you filthy Mudblood –"
"And now it's Ron's turn!" Remus finished loudly. "Okay, Ron, whenever you're ready."
"I'm always ready," said Ron arrogantly, donning a pair of sunglasses that made him look very much like a certain rock god from the sixties whose name rhymed with "Ron Schmennon". As Harry began a well-known acoustic tune (with accompanying cello from Lily), he put his arms behind his back and leaned up towards the microphone, much like a certain rock start from Britain whose name rhymes with "Schmiam Schmallagher".
"Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you,
By now you should've somehow realized what you've gotta do.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.""Oh God," moaned Sirius, "'Wonderwall' (by the British band Oasis, all lyrics and music belonging to Oasis and Noel Gallagher). I can't believe he chose that. I mean, at least mine's a classic!"
"'Wonderwall' is a classic!" Harry argued whilst he played the distinctive guitar part.
Hermione shushed them as Ron sang once more and the drums started:
"Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out,
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
All the roads we have to walk are winding.
All the lights that lead us there are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how."Of course, everyone joined in for the sentimental chorus:
"Maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me,
And after all,
You're my wonderwall."
All the instruments stopped as the crowd burst into applause (although they did not pick up once more as they do in the studio version, just so you know – the performance was over).
"Ah," Harry said, setting down his guitar and wiping a tear from his eye. "Rock and roll perfection."
The others huddled around Hermione after the instruments had been left carelessly out of their cases for others to trample on.
"I've made my decision," Hermione announced. "The winner is –"
TO BE CONTINUED. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. CLIFFIE! HAHAHAHAHA.
SUCKAZ.