Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine, bla bla bla bla bla. And I'd just like to mention that I got out the longest chapter in the shortest amount of time yet (only two months!). You may bow down if you like.

Seven: A Cold Open, A Time for War

-

Severus Snape blinked.

"What the hell?" he asked no one in particular.

"Hello, Snivellus!" Sirius chimed in cheerfully.

"Hullo!" added Harry and Ron.

Snape squinted his eyes at them suspiciously. "Another prank on me, Black? Is that how it is? Whatever happened to turning my clothes into a tutu?"

"Dude, that was so last chapter. And besides, I had nothing to do with this."

"Somehow I doubt that," Snape remarked, crossing his arms. He looked to Harry and Ron and sneered. "Nice leather outfit, Potter. Five points from Gryffindor for violation of dress code."

"But you're not even our teacher yet!" Harry protested, leaping to his feet with a large squeaking noise. "You're what, sixteen years old?"

"Yes, but the rules of canon or logic do not seem to apply to this fic," Snape replied. He glanced at Ron. "Five points from Gryffindor from you as well, Weasley."

"What for?" Ron wailed.

"Sheer stupidity."

"Oh." Ron shrugged. "Fair enough."

Snape turned to Sirius and sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, Black, you seem to be the sanest one here besides myself. If you would ever so kindly tell me what is going on, I would appreciate it."

"That's simple," Sirius replied. "Have you ever watched one of those anime shows, or one of those really suspenseful drama shows that always end with a cliffhanger?" Harry began to violently cough something that sounded like "LOST!" Sirius regarded him for a moment before looking back to his archenemy. "So of course before each episode they do a montage or something to inform the viewers of what's going on. Sometimes they even have the characters break the fourth wall and talk to the viewers about what's been going on. So that's what we're doing."

Snape nodded unsurely. "Right… and why are we doing this?"

"Cos the Author says so."

"That's dumb."

Snape's clothes were replaced by a tutu, and he swore violently. Soon a placard materialized, reading:

Score – Author: 1, Snape: 0.

TRY IT AGAIN, BEEYATCH.

"I think I'll pass," Snape replied. "Nice creativity, though. We definitely haven't already referenced this joke multiple times."

THAN – HEY. HEY. HEEEEEEEEEEY. I GET IT. YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC. YOU CAN'T GET THAT PAST ME, SMART GUY.

"Oh drat, you've caught me. I thought it would work, too."

NICE TRY, BUSTER.

"All right. I get it." Snape closed his eyes and rubbed his temples wearily. "Can we just get this over with? I'd really like to go back to Hogwarts, preferably sans Black."

"Very well." Sirius looked straight at the previously unmentioned camera –

"Wait a second!" Snape exclaimed. "This isn't a T.V. show! I mean, seriously. This is just dumb."

A crow gave a yelp as it was zapped by lightning and fried. A squirrel next to it stared at it for a moment before jumping into the air and giving a yelp of joy. Sadly, though, in mid-jump it too was hit by a stray bolt of lightning.

SORRY ABOUT THAT. I FORGOT FOR A MOMENT ABOUT THAT WHOLE SQUIRREL MOTIF THING.

"No problem," Sirius replied. "But anyways. As far as the camera goes, I already explained the whole thing with the T.V. shows and the montage and crap, right? So yeah. We're doing something like that. Just go with it, okay?"

"Yeah, Snape," Ron sneered.

Snape shot him an especially icy glare. "A billion points from Gryffindor for backtalk, Weasley. A new record, if I'm not mistaken."

Harry snickered, and Snape turned his gaze upon him.

"I've changed my mind about taking five points from Gryffindor for your violation of dress code, Potter."

"Woohoo!"

"I've changed it to infinity points from Gryffindor, which breaks Weasley's record easily."

"Damn."

"But enough with the pleasantries." Snape glared at Sirius. "Let's just get this done, Black."

"You have no idea how popular that line is in slash fics involving you two," Harry piped up. Snape and Sirius stared at him for several moments.

"Well, moving on, then," Sirius said, shaking his head furiously. "Last time on You Can Call Me Tommy…"

Behind them scenes from the previous chapter played, just like in those T.V. shows.

"Our group learned that in order to find the Author we'd have to stop the shipping wars plaguing the Random City Convention Center, and to do this we must take down the two biggest armies: the Harmonians and the Herons!" At this point the characters disappeared altogether and left only the replaying scenes. "Hot damn! We've been reduced to just a voice-over! This sucks. I feel like a former child actor who now just does the voices for supporting characters in bad dubs of Japanese anime shows."

"Shut up and finish."

"Hang on to your knickers, Snivellus. I'm getting there. Anyways, as I was saying. So, Team Scarhead went after the Harmonians, receiving help from some crazy chick who talked like Gollum. They eventually encountered the two queens of the Harmonians and had decided not to kill them in cold blood – yet!"

"This is exciting! We should do this more often!"

"Quiet, Potter. If I could take any more points from Gryffindor, I would. So keep that in mind."

"Ooh, I'm scared now."

"Why you –"

"My godson's clearly following in my footsteps. I don't think I've ever felt so proud." There was a sound of Sirius sniffling as the king (well, queen, but still) of the Harmonians was shown on the replay. "So. Team Tommy, on the other hand, decided to take on the Heron camp."

"Hey, that's me!"

"No, Ron, that's actually a rock right there. Close, though."

"That's me, then!"

"Very good, Ron. I'll ignore the fact that you were pointing at a picture of a squirrel. But, anyways, Team Tommy quickly encountered the Heron leader Snobbola. Voldemort tried to curse her, but she hardly even blinked, and countered his attack with a mysterious device. She referenced a shadowy group known only as the Deletion Crew, and hinted that deletion might be imminent for our characters, and perhaps something even worse was in store for the Author. With that cliffhanger, and the sake of all of canon hanging in the balance, the chapter ended with a bang! I mean, there was some other stuff with the Author about the lack of an update or something and maybe some other stuff I probably forgot, but that was pretty much it."

The screen disappeared and once more the characters were visible. Snape sighed with relief.

"Thank Merlin that's over. Please don't say we'll have to do that again. If this becomes a running gag… I shudder to think about what may happen."

"Mmhm," Sirius offered. He looked like he was trying not to laugh, while Harry and Ron were in fits.

"What? What is it?" Snape looked around, and then finally down at himself. He gritted his teeth, trying not to explode. "Ah. I see you're admiring another idiotic running gag the Author decided to use earlier in the chapter. The tutu. How nice."

"Admit it, it looks good on you," Sirius burst out in between spurts of laughter. "Really shows off those legs."

"We'll see about that, Black." Snape turned to the camera. "You might want to leave now. You won't want to see this."

The screen faded to Black and the characters' voices slowly faded as well, although Sirius could be heard softly from the distance:

"Ow! Jesus, watch where you point that thing! I mean, really, have some civility!"

-

Remus looked at the other members of his team with a stunned expression.

"I can't believe it," he spluttered. "I thought your stupidity could go no further. I was wrong. That might have been the single stupidest thing I've ever read. There is nothing of any intellectual value in that entire opener to the chapter. That was just plain bad."

THANKS. I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO PUSH THE BOUNDARIES. I THINK THIS TIME I'VE REALLY OUTDONE MYSELF.

"No kidding."

They were now sitting on a conveniently placed sofa in the fringes of Harmonian territory, sipping sodas and rethinking their plans to decapitate (not literally, anyways – "Although that's a good idea, now that I think of it," Harry said) the Harmonian regime.

"Sniper rifle?" Draco the ferret asked, holding up one of the sniper rifles from Halo. Not the alien one (that one sucks, really gives away your position in online multiplayer IMHO), the human one that looks cool.

"No, too cliché," Remus replied. "This'll just turn into another bad action-thriller movie. And besides, no one here's a decent shot."

"Avada Kedavra?" Harry suggested.

"We don't have anyone that could do it," Remus responded.

"I could!" Draco the ferret exclaimed excitedly.

"Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't do it to Dumbledore, why would things be different now?"

Draco the ferret's chest deflated noticeably.

"Macoroni?" Peter offered.

"No, I don't think acting as chefs and then poisoning their food would work," Remus said, having effectively translated PeterSpeak into something more understandable. Peter didn't appear to recognize Remus's translation, as in all probability Peter really had meant "macaroni" and Remus had just found a way to make it logical so that he didn't go insane from Peter's sheer idiocy. "It would be hard to infiltrate the kitchen to start off with. And who carries around any poison, anyways?"

"My blood is poison," Harry said suddenly. "Snake venom. That's why I speak Parseltongue."

"I thought that was because Voldemort transferred some of his powers to you," Draco said.

"Harry is a Horcrux!" Peter blurted out.

"Oh God, let's not get into a theory discussion right now." Remus rubbed his eyes wearilyi. "Besides, the seventh book's just about to come out. And realistically it probably will have come out by the time this chapter finally is posted."

"Either that or internet spoilers will just ruin the books for everyone anyways," Harry added. "Or maybe it'll be like last time and people will go around shouting 'Snape killed Dumbledore!' at release parties."

"This time around, though, I think people will know that Snape killed Dumbledore," Remus said. "But I see what you're saying."

Draco the ferret sneered at the lot of them. "I don't know about you all, but I for one know what happens at the end of the seventh book."

"Oh really?" Remus asked with a doubtful glance.

"Really," Draco the ferret affirmed.

"How so?"

"My father knows people in high places," Draco the ferret said smugly. "A man of honor such as he naturally learns such things in conversations with other people of the noble class. Not anything like your family, Weasley – is it true that your family goes out every Sunday looking for food in trash cans?"

"Ron's in the other camp," Harry said.

"Oh. Remind me to tell him when we see him again."

"Will do."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Let's get back on topic before you both start making out."

"Snogging!" Harry corrected him. "It's snogging! Not saying snogging is almost as bad as saying ass instead of arse! It's blasphemy!"

"Okay… snogging, then." He gave Harry an odd look before looking to Draco the ferret. "What happens in the final book, then, Malfoy?"

"Oh, it's really quite boring," Draco the ferret remarked breezily. "If I recall correctly, Harry is the heir of Gryffindor, Sirius comes back to life and marries you, Dumbledore was never dead, Ginny becomes the new vessel for Voldemort to wreak havoc upon the population, Neville is actually the person the prophecy was referring to, and I get together with Hermione." If you listened very closely you could hear Ron screaming from across the convention center, although the giggling and whooping of fangirls nearly drowned it out. "Oh, and it turns out it was all a dream and Harry wakes up under the cupboard once more."

"Oh." Everyone took several seconds to process this. "That sucks."

"I suppose so, yes," agreed Draco the ferret. (It's getting really old calling him this. But I'm stubborn, so until he gets turned back – which giving my impatience could be rather soon – he's getting called this. If you don't like it, nanny-nanny-boo-boo. With that mature argument, let's resume the narrative.)

There was a brief silence, but it was broken by Harry. "So, what's the game plan, then?"

"Well, there's always the 'grab a gun and shoot everyone in sight' approach, but that's usually better for video games." Remus shrugged. "Maybe we could infiltrate the hierarchy somehow? Does anyone have any Polyjuice Potion handy?"

"Oh yeah, I carry it all the time," Draco the ferret drawled coldly. "We could use the Imperius, perhaps."

"We don't have anyone here that could do it," Remus replied. "I'm too nice, Harry's too noble, you're too incompetent, and Peter's just a human wasteland right now."

"I love lamp!" Peter giggled.

"Nice Anchorman reference, Petey."

"I could read them poetry," Harry suggested emotionally. He was now wearing eye-liner and lip gloss and jeans so tight they probably were hand-me-downs from Ginny. "I could use my inner pain and suffering to connect with the martyr within their souls and make them understand the importance and beauty of our cause."

He let out a dramatic moan, and Remus stared dumbly at him for several moments before speaking. "Okay, that's it. Malfoy, I want you looking over Harry at all times. We don't want him deciding this world is too cruel and pulling a Romeo on us."

"Yes, because I'll be able to stop him from offing himself," muttered Draco the ferret. "Leave it to the poor defenseless rodent, why don't you. Maybe if I bite him and infect him with a deadly disease he'll reconsider."

"That's the spirit. And technically, ferrets aren't rodents. But nice try anyways."

"Oh, my soul," Harry groaned suddenly, clutching his heart. "It aches tremendously. 'Tis a grievous wound that I cannot tend to!"

"Whoa, Frodo, settle down there," Remus said. "I don't know what has swayed you to depression once more, but just stay cool until we can figure out what the hell we're doing. Don't go all Othello on us."

Luckily, it was then that Draco the ferret snapped his fingers (paws?) triumphantly.

"I've got it!" he exclaimed.

"What?" Peter asked stupidly.

"How to take care of the Harmonian regime!" he answered.

"Don't waste your breath on him, Malfoy," Remus said. "It's not he actually comprehended anything you just said anyways."

Peter appeared too busy with an involving conversation with a rock to defend himself ("Oh really? And how does this make you feel? Do you think she's trying to hurt your feelings and distance herself from you?").

"Good point," said Draco the ferret. "But anyways. I know exactly what we – or I, I should say – should do."

Remus looked doubtful. "And what would that be?"

"Simple." He puffed out his chest and tried to look suave. "I seduce them."

There were several minutes of laughter at this. They took much longer than the measly paragraph the Author is allotting them but we don't want to embarrass the poor ferret too much.

"Hey, I'm serious!" he protested, red in his furry cheeks. "I can do it!"

A chorus of swooning fangirls proved his point, and he smirked.

"Oh please, everyone and their mother has a horde of fangirls. Even Peter. He's got his fan…rocks." Peter appeared to be serving his rock some tea now. "Um. Wow. Where were we? Oh yeah. But really, Malfoy. You're a ferret. Even if you did, most sites don't allow bestiality, and we're already pushing it as it is."

"You'd have to change me back, you idiot!"

"Oh. Damn." Remus sighed. "I was really hoping we wouldn't have to do that."

"Yeah," said Harry. "I like Malfoy better as a ferret. The thought that I could step on him if he annoyed me is really satisfying."

"What do you suggest, then?" Draco the ferret asked impatiently. "It's not like either of you could seduce them."

They snorted and began preening themselves cockily.

"Speak for yourself," Harry muttered in a low breath. He grinned at himself in a mirror that had somehow ended up in his hand. "The ladies can't resist this. Neither can the fellas."

Remus said nothing and just growled at himself seductively into his own mirror.

"Oh God," Draco the ferret moaned. His eyes widened suddenly. "Oh no. Please, God no. Don't break out the leather. Don't break out the leather. Don't break out the – oh, there it goes. Hot damn."

Harry and Remus were now dressed head to toe in revealing leather outfits and were practicing different poses in a much larger mirror. Peter for some reason was now wearing a gorilla suit. Don't ask why.

"Pettigrew, why are you wearing a gorilla suit?" Draco the ferret asked, completely ignoring that last sentence there.

"I big! I strong!" Peter roared. He beat on his chest several times and grunted at the others warningly.

"We told him specifically to wear leather," Harry sighed. "I don't even know how you could confuse that with 'gorilla suit'. They're not even related phonetically."

"Nice word usage," Remus commented as he flexed his biceps.

"Thanks," Harry said as he smoothed back his hair.

Draco the ferret had covered his eyes with his paws, and only now decided it was safe to peek through the cracks between his paws. "Okay, fine. We'll all seduce them except for King Kong over there. Just change me back already."

"Do we have to?" Harry whined. He backed up when he realized a very angry ferret was stomping towards him menacingly. "Fine, fine! Just don't bite me, you crazy rodent ('Not a rodent,' Remus reminded him)! Stay there! I don't want fur all over my outfit."

He flicked his wand, and where Draco the ferret had been, Draco the human now stood.

"Good!" He looked at his hands, as if to make sure that they were actually there and not paws. "Now, let's do some seducing."

"Psh," Remus scoffed. "We shouldn't have changed you back. You're useless. They're just going to gravitate to us. You're far too clothed."

Harry gave him a desperate look at that last sentence. "Please don't tell him that..."

"You can't outdo our costumes," Remus pressed on. "They're the ultimate in sexiness."

"Oh really?" Draco asked, finally rid of that annoying title. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "It's time to plot, then."

He sat down for several minutes to plot, and while he did Harry and Remus continued practicing their poses. Peter ran around screaming and shrieking and occasionally bursting into song and dance, but that was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Aha!" Draco cried. "I've got it!"

He flicked his wand triumphantly and whereas he had once been in standard robes, he was now dressed in…

"Oh no," Harry groaned.

"Oh dear," Remus murmured.

"Edgar!" Peter growled at a nearby rock.

"You got it," Draco said, sneering. He was dressed in a Speedo. "Beat that."

"I don't see how I could do that without changing the rating of the fic," Remus retorted. He closed his eyes and turned away as if physically hurt by the sight of Draco in that particular choice of swimwear. "Oh, I don't think I can handle this. Kill me now."

REALLY?

"Actually, now that I think about it, I can probably handle it."

JUST CALL IF YOU HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS.

"I will."

Draco adjusted his Speedo with a wince. "Okay, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. But anyways. It seems that we're all dressed – or undressed, I guess. Shall we commence with the seduction?"

"Hold on a minute," Harry said as he applied some makeup to his face. Finally he finished and smiled at himself into the mirror. "There we go. We're ready."

Over at the main part of the Harmonian camp, the Harmonian queen was lying down as servant fed her fresh grapes and fanned her fervently. She glanced lazily over at the King as she finished chewing one particularly plump grape.

"Susan, my dear, pass me the elfish wine," she said. Susan flicked her wrist towards the pitcher and a servant picked it up for her, passing it to another servant who took it for the Queen and then poured her a glass. "Thank you, Susan."

She took a sip from the cup of wine the servant had placed in front of her face and sighed. This was the good life. No canon, no arguments, no bloody Herons –

Something in the corner of her eye distracted her from her narration, though. She snapped her fingers and servants grabbed her by the shoulders and placed her in a sitting position. She snapped her fingers again and they helped her lean forward as she squinted her eyes.

"What on earth is that?" she asked. Several servants turned to look where she was looking.

Over a small hill four figures could be seen walking dramatically in slow-motion, dust kicked up from their feet. As they drew closer, her mouth opened more and more. Two were wearing absolutely horrible leather outfits that revealed far too much, and the blonde one of the bunch appeared to be wearing a Speedo, of all things.

"Stop!" she called out in her most commanding voice. The four teenagers came to a stop fifty feet before her, arms crossed and arrogant expressions on their faces. "Who goes there?"

"It is I, Harry Potter!" cried out one of them, the one with black hair and glasses.

"And I, Remus Lupin!" said another with mousy brown hair.

"And I, Draco Malfoy!" exclaimed the one in the Speedo.

"I see," she said. She furrowed her brow as she stared at their attire. "What is the meaning of your clothing?"

Potter smirked. "We have come to seduce you, my queen. Don't try to stop us. Resistance is futile."

"Uh huh." She had one of her servants crane her neck so she could look at her other servants. "That's it, then. Shoot them. All of them. Leave no survivors."

Potter's face paled considerably. "Uh, that's really not what we were hoping for –"

One of her servants got her attention, however, and turned her neck to look at Susan. Susan, with help from a servant, made a gesture, and the queen nodded.

"Yes, yes, now that you mention it –" the servant turned her neck back towards the foursome "– I do see it. You're right. Servants, I've changed my mind."

"Damn straight!" exclaimed Malfoy.

"Kill only the three idiots in the leather and swimwear," she ordered now. "We have taken a liking to the one in the gorilla suit. Bring him back into our personal chambers."

The gorilla suit man looked at them, and she blew a kiss at him and winked.

"Oh, look at those biceps," she murmured. "So strong!"

Lupin held his head in his hands and groaned. "Oh Merlin, what have we done? This really backfired."

"Silence!" the queen yelled. She looked back to the gorilla suit – oh hell, we're changing the perspective back to our heroes from now on. No more Lupin or gorilla suit man. It's getting annoying. Anyways, she looked back to Peter and smiled. "Now, as I said, take Big and Handsome over here back to our chambers. We'll deal with him personally."

Several servants grabbed Peter by the arms and dragged him off back into the rocks that made up the Harmonian camp.

"And what of the intruders, m'lady?" asked a servant.

"As I said, kill them," she replied. "Now take us back to our chambers. I think you can handle triple homicide without my assistance."

Another group of servants grabbed the couches under the queen and king and hoisted them onto their shoulders, also taking them back into the rocks. Meanwhile, the rest of the servants looked to our three heroes.

"Why'd she have to take Pettigrew?" Draco muttered. "The guy's in a gorilla suit. Doesn't that violate some bestiality rule or something?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry hissed. "We've got bigger things to worry about."

The servants were now circling around them menacingly. Time was running out.

"Great," Draco whined. "Now what do we do?"

"I don't know." Harry looked frantically from side to side. "I don't see an escape route. They've got us surrounded. We're doomed!"

Remus, however, still looked completely calm. He was actually looking at the servants with some degree of detached interest.

"I've got a question," he declared loudly, and the servants stopped their march temporarily. "How exactly are you planning to kill us?"

This caused the servants to mutter amongst themselves and glance to each other confusedly. "I don't know. Do you have a gun? I don't have a gun."

"You don't have a knife?"

"Why would I have a knife? I'm not a chef."

"I didn't say a kitchen knife, you dolt."

"Ask someone else, then."

"Okay, everyone – does anyone have a knife? Anybody?"

"I do!"

"Good! Good! Now, what kind of knife is it?"

"It's one of those tiny little Swiss Army knives. I use it as a bottle-opener."

"Do you think we could kill the three of them with it?"

"I don't know. It's not exactly sharp. I don't want to get it too bloody, though. It was a gift from my auntie."

"I've got some keys. Do you want to stab them in the eye with my keys?"

"No, I do not want to stab them in the eyes with your keys!"

"Go for the cornea. It never fails. Just stick it in there and –"

"Okay, that's enough," Remus interjected, ending the madness. The servants all turned back to face him. "Let me get this straight – you have no means to kill us."

There was some silence for a while. Finally someone in the back spoke up.

"We could all form a mob and beat you to death! That always works. There's like ten of us, and what, three of you?"

"Yeah!" chorused the rest of the servants.

"Yes, but we have wands," Remus replied. "We could always just repel you that way. In fact, we could turn you into teddy bears if we really so desired. Or turtles. Or really anything."

"Could you not turn me into a shellfish?" asked one of the servants. "I'm allergic."

"Shut up!" said one of the servant leaders. He looked back to Remus. "We're not getting turned into shellfish. There has to be another way we can work this out."

"I'm sorry, there isn't," Draco said maliciously. "Now where was that one man? I want to know if he'd rather be a lobster or a crab."

"No, Malfoy! Let's think of a peaceful solution to this!" Remus sighed and faced the servants. "Let's just get this straight: you've been charged with killing us, yet have no means to do it. To top it off, we'd really rather not get killed. Why don't we just compromise, and you all let us go do our thing. You can tell your queens that you took care of us already."

The servants thought this over. Finally the leader nodded. "Fine, it's a deal."

After this they all became great chums. There were several games and such played by the new group of friends, including but not limited to: football (and not the American kind… that would just be silly), poker (Draco cleaned up at this – where did you think the Malfoy fortune came from?), and backgammon (it's hard to think of a comment for this one). They were just about to sit down with a movie when the queen and king came storming in with their servants, Peter in tow.

"What is this?" shrieked the queen angrily at her servants, who recoiled under the sofa.

"Well, it's a poker table, a football field, and whatever backgammon's played on," Harry replied logically. "And a rather large television screen. Nice place you have here, really. The rent must be crazy."

"Thank you. It's really not that bad, I know the landlord."

"You don't say?" Harry asked, interested.

"Yeah, he's my brother-in-law."

"I wish I had those connections," he sighed. "Property values are just booming in London right now. It's crazy. Do you guys own any property around there?"

"Actually, we've got an embassy down there."

"Really? Where?"

"You know where that drive-in movie theater is? Next to that really old mall?"

"Yeah."

"We're right there. The big box building."

"Oh. That's a nice lot. How much did you get it for?"

"300."

"That's not bad at all. Who's your realtor?"

"Okay, this is getting ridiculous," Remus cut in. "Let's stop before Malfoy starts yapping about some famous realtor his father knows or how much the Malfoy manor cost or whatnot."

Malfoy looked visibly deflated, as he had been about to do just that. The queen tried to look as angry as she could, but it was easy to tell the real estate conversation had knocked her out of her rhythm.

"You knocked me out of my rhythm!" she cried. She was not a particularly innovative conversationalist, if you hadn't already noticed. "I'm so angry right now! Argh! I'm about to do something dramatic just to prove my point!"

And that she did. She did this in multiple ways: she declared war on a neighboring country, she formed a new state religion, she organized a large parade, and she finished the state financial report while balancing on a log in the middle of a river (while fishing, to boot). All in all it was a rather impressive example of multitasking.

"See?" she said, smirking. She looked very pleased with herself.

"That's quite impressive," Harry admitted. "But can you do this?"

He proceeded to rub a circle on his tummy while patting his head simultaneously. The Author will wait several moments as you yourself stand up and try this.

…

Done? No?

Yes, I'd like a large pizza, with thin crust and sausage. None of that hamburger stuff either, I hate that crap – oh. You caught the Author by surprise. He was doing something else. You're done now, though? You're not? Well, then, go away. Let me finish this. As I was saying, sausage. No hamburger crap. Eight bucks? You kidding? That's ridic – dear God, you'd better actually be done this time. You are? Good.

Now, that wasn't as easy as it seemed, was it? Bet you were scoffing at first, weren't you? You feel stupid now, don't you?

Fear not. The queen felt just as you, and openly laughed at this. However, Harry had thrown down the gauntlet.

"Go ahead," he said as he picked up the gauntlet. "Try it. I double-dog dare you."

Normally she would not have bothered to do so, but he double-dog dared her, and thus she was obliged to try it. She had several difficulties, to say the least. At times she ended up patting her head and stomach, or rubbing her head and stomach, or rubbing her head and patting her stomach.

"Curse you, Harry Potter!" she growled. She had gotten confused by this point and was pinching her arm and scratching her leg. "Curse you!"

It took about two hours for her to get it down. During this period of time our heroes and the servants finished the movie, and had even begun a new poker game. Draco had already won three thousand Galleons from one unlucky sucker on an inside draw (pure luck, really – "If by luck you mean skill!" Draco boasted) when she finally got it down.

"Haha, you evil rat, you!" she cackled. "I've got it!"

And she had. However, she then proceeded to rub her head and pat her stomach as she had earlier, and she swore.

"Damn it all!"

"Ha!" Harry laughed. "Told you so!"

"That's it!" she growled. She made a rousing gesture at her servants. "That's it! Kill them! Kill them all! Spare no one!"

"But we already decided we wouldn't kill them," complained a servant.

"Yeah," chimed in another. "We don't even have a way to kill them."

The queen did not look discouraged by this. "I don't care! Man the torpedoes! Grab an axe! Poison their food! Make them read a bad Mary Sue fanfiction! I don't care, just kill them!"

"First of all, we don't have any torpedoes," said the first servant. "Secondly, not only would an axe be useless seeing as they could just Transfigure it, it's also not here. It's back in the execution chamber, and Louis lost the keys for that."

"Sorry," said Lewis, embarrassed. No one noticed his name had been spelled two different ways in just as many sentences, even the Author. He only noticed when rereading this chapter a week after it was posted.

"As for the food, they're probably not going to eat it now that they know it's poisoned," he continued. "Ron might do that, but he's not here. Peter would probably do it too, but you don't want to kill him. And as for the bad piece of fanfiction… they're already in one, so the seem to be impervious to its effects. I dunno. Our internet's down, but Cindy over there is a terrible writer. We could have her take a shot at it."

"No, don't even bother," the queen sighed. She looked like her head was about to explode. In fact, it was already a foot and a half in diameter by now. Several servants began applying ice and tying a rope around her swelling skull hurriedly. "Knowing your incompetence, she'll probably screw that up and end up writing the greatest piece of English fiction of the last forty-odd years. I swear I hate my life sometimes."

"Are you dark and depressed?" Harry asked as he approached her. He was wearing his tight jeans again, and his heavily made up face was contorted into an expression of concern. "Does your soul feel like a heavy weight that you're just not strong enough to lift? Like you just can't summon the adrenaline to help you out in your time of need? Like all the sports drinks don't work? Like –"

"You know what, that's it," Remus interrupted. "This could go on for days, so I'm just going to cut it off there. Harry, switch out of those jeans and wash off your makeup. Really I don't even know how you changed that fast. I don't know how you keep changing that fast at a whim throughout this fic, in fact. It's actually kind of amazing when you think about it. It's probably a record or something. But it's also incredibly creepy. From now on I'm in charge of your wardrobe."

Harry was already changed back, however. "What're you talking about, man? I'm not wearing tight jeans or makeup. I think you're going crazy."

"What the…" Remus wiped his face with his hand exhaustedly. "Well, now we know you have multiple personalities, and they don't seem to be aware of each other. That's just dandy. This is like something out of an overblown Hollwood psychological thriller. Please don't tell me that you've got another personality that goes around murdering people in cold blood or something."

"Enough, I say! Enough!" The queen looked enraged (again), and everyone turned to look at her. "Now, all of this has made me forget my initial reason for coming out."

"So you acknowledge that your king is a woman?" Remus asked.

"Hold on – what? Oh. I get it. Coming out. Funny, Lupin. We'll see who has the last laugh, just you wait. Keep smirking."

"Fine," he said. And he did.

"Damn you," she muttered. "Anyways, as I was saying. Back when my husband and I were in our chambers with Petey here, he let it slip that you guys were infiltrating our organization in the hopes of destroying us. Now that was slightly irritating, although Petey did voice his opinion that it probably wouldn't work because a super-emotional hero, an ultra-logical werewolf, and a completely prejudiced prick could never work well together. So that was slightly comforting."

"Wow, Pete," Remus commented. "That's quite an analysis there. I never would have expected it from you."

"Muffin," Peter replied. To be fair, his mouth was quite stuffed with his hand, which he appeared to be trying to eat.

"He also told us that another group of yours was doing the same with the Heron camp across the way," she continued. "And that got me thinking. We've already neutralized you all – but the Herons don't know about the spies in their camp."

Actually, they do, but whatever.

"Who was that?" she asked, looking at the sky fearfully.

"Oh, that's just the Author," Harry said. "Don't mind him. Do go on."

She glanced about nervously before continuing. "Well, anyways, even so, if they only manage to distract the Herons – now is the perfect time to wage all-out war! Far too long we have sat in the shadows, content with our little 'surprise attacks'. Now is the time for a true surprise attack – nay, a surprise assault! My fellow Harmonians, the time of legend has come! It is time for war!"

All the servants around her burst into a roar of approval. Of course, only seconds earlier they had complained of not having any weapons with which to kill our heroes, but who needs weapons in war? It's really a rather minute detail.

"So Pettigrew told them all of this?" Draco asked Remus as the servants began some odd war dance.

"I guess so," Remus replied. "He betrayed us, even if he's not smart enough to know what that is. I hope this doesn't set a precedent or start a pattern of betrayal or anything."

"Oh, don't worry, I don't think it will," Draco said.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Remus sighed. "Good."

"Hey," said Harry suddenly, as if a thought had occurred to him, "maybe this war is a good thing. Maybe the Herons and Harmonians will kill each other off and there'll be peace!"

"But they'll probably just end up at a stalemate," Remus countered.

Harry shrugged. "But what's the worst it could do? It'll at least kill of some of them, make our job easier."

"Good point." Remus raised his wand valiantly into the air. "Count me in, then. Comrades, it is time for war!"