Chapter 3: A Time for Love, a Time for Hate, a Time for Pizza

Luke walked up the stairs to his apartment after Rory left. He knew what she had said was true, and that fact gutted him. How had he done this to them? Himself and Lorelai. He knew he wanted to be with her, he knew he missed her, and he knew that he had given up the love of his life after she had spent so much time apologizing, admitting that she had screwed up, something she wasn't very accustomed to doing. Now it was him who was sitting alone in his apartment wishing, for the first time, that someone, anyone, even Taylor was in there with him.

Just call her he thought, it's not that hard. Pick up phone, dial number, talk. Idiot. You've done it a million times but you can't do it now. You're too scared. Asshole. No. I'm going to call her. Now.

He called her. The phone rang and kept ringing until he finally heard her voice. He smiled for the first time in almost two months as he held that sound in his head. It was the answering machine. Dumbass, answering machine, not real. Sentimental whatzum frutzum. He heard her voice…

"Hey, I'm probably screening my calls, avoiding someone I don't like, so leave one and if I don't call back, it's probably you. Have a nice day!" Lorelai's automated message came over the phone. It was the same message she'd had for a long time now. Odd for Lorelai as she usually changes it to another sarcastic phrase every week or so. He knew that when it was created it wasn't meant for him, but somehow, now it felt as though her words were there as a weapon against him. That the person she was avoiding right then was him. He could see her in his mind, sitting on her couch eating caramel popcorn, glaring at the machine and throwing her food at it as she cursed his name under her breath. Then the beep came. Speak you fool, it's not that hard!

He left some garbled message that more than likely wouldn't make sense to anything with ears. But at least he'd done it. He'd called her. Rory said she missed him and that she knew he missed her. And she was right. That girl had never been more right in anything she had ever said. He missed Lorelai more than anything right then.

He went to his fridge and grabbed a beer. It was the middle of the day but he didn't care. A cold beer and a nap might do him good. Granted he knew what would make him feel better, but getting her back at this point seemed out of the question. Why would she want him back? With the things that he'd said and the way that he'd treated her. He finished his drink and nodded off to sleep. He didn't want to think anymore and this way, he wouldn't have to.

Lorelai walked through the diner, past the customers who looked at her with looks of awe on their faces. Some began whispering as they looked at her. Others just dropped their jaws and some didn't seem to notice that she was there. She knew this charade so well. She was supposed to look over the counter and see him, backwards blue baseball cap, flannel shirt, coffee in hand, smile on his face, unshaven yet sexy look on his face. But he wasn't there. She walked past Caesar who just continued humming La Vida Loca to himself as he finished up the three egg, cheese, and ham omelet he'd been working on.

She stepped slowly up the stairs, one by one as if each step was a mountain that she had to climb to get to where she needed and wanted to be. She stood outside the door, staring in for a long while before she got up the nerve to grab the handle. She couldn't quite see past the fogged glass and she was happier for it. She imagined what could be behind it. Luke might be in there, arms wrapped around some hussy that she didn't want to name. He could be sitting by himself watching baseball, or worse, he might not even be there at all. All of these thoughts clouded her mind and scared her to no end, but she had to be there right now. This wasn't something that she wanted to tell him over the phone or in a letter. She needed to see him face to face. And if that meant letting him see her cry again, she'd do it. She just needed to see him.

She turned the doorknob and pushed gently on the door not knowing what to expect. She turned to see a sleeping Luke in a chair that he'd fallen asleep in so many times. But this time was different. This time she couldn't walk up to him and wake him with a kiss. She couldn't curl up in his lap and fall asleep with him like she so desperately wanted to at this point. Instead, she walked over to him and looked at him for a minute before turning around and making for the door again. She grabbed the door knob again, this time in an effort to exit, but stopped just before she stepped out of the apartment.

"Don't leave." Luke mumbled, still half asleep. She couldn't tell whether he was dreaming and just talking through it or if he was waking up, and knew she was there.

"Luke?" she whispered.

"Don't leave" he said again. "I'm awake." he said, in a most unconvincing tone.

"Go back to sleep. It's…not important." she said choking on her words.

He stood up slowly, rubbing his face with his hands and stretching the way he did when he'd just woken up. She missed watching that every morning. His daily routine.

"I just…wanted to. I don't know, see you I guess. Talk." she said, followed by a long and awkward pause. "I should go. I really shouldn't have come, it was stupid. I'm sorry." she apologized as she started out the door again, panicking.

"No, wait. It's alright that you're here. Say what you came to say."

"I really should go though. Rory's waiting for me at home and she doesn't know that I came here. She'll get all panicked and I'm thinking that not even a subscription to the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal would get me out of it."

"Oh. Well…I guess…We'll talk later then. Rory stopped by earlier…got some coffee. Two…to go. Always to go now." Luke said, sadly.

"Yeah. Bye." Lorelai said, not wanting to leave. She grabbed the door knob, again, but stopped before she shut the door completely behind her. She came back in.

"Things are weird between us and I don't like it. I came here to tell you something that I suddenly find myself incapable of saying mostly because I'm scared of what you'd say and because, at this moment, my mind is a complete blank and all I know is that I miss you entirely too much and it's not good for me. I have to leave. But before I go I just….I know I shouldn't be here and I know that I screwed up immensely but I just had to ask you…had to, I don't know, just…know. Do you…I mean did you…ever love me?" she said faster than she had ever spoken before, even on a crazed coffee high.

Luke didn't say anything. Just stood there, looking at her in amazement as if to say that she was insane, that she was an idiot.

"Oh. Okay. I get it. I'll just…go then." she said as she turned again to leave. She walked out the door and shut it behind her, beginning to cry. He could hear her running down the stairs, heard her muffled sobs that he wanted so badly to console. If he didn't already feel foolish, he did now.

"Yes" he said to himself "….to both."