Chapter 3

When Michaela eventually entered the house a few minutes later, her expression didn't show the lightest sign of her inner turmoil. She was determined to keep her distress to herself and as a doctor she knew how to hide personal feelings. Yet after the children had welcomed her, Colleen almost put her off balance by asking innocently, "Dr. Mike, where's Sully?"

Michaela hesitated only for a fraction of a second before she said in an even tone, "He already left."

Puzzled because he usually wished them good night before he went to his lean-to, Colleen furrowed her brow yet decided to let it go. Shrugging, she turned back to her task with the dishes.

Her younger brother, however, wasn't astonished. Unlike the others, he had directed his attention to what he could hear from outside as soon as Sully had gone to join Dr. Mike. The boy was sure that he had heard raised voices, and he had a pretty good idea what the argument had been about. That was why he now anxiously looked at his Ma. Returning his gaze Michaela added in an attempt to reassure him, "You will see him tomorrow again."

Relieved, Brian nodded. Sully would come back and that was enough to make him feel better.

Yet Catherine, who was sitting at the table again, was disappointed. She had hoped Sully would accompany her to her room at the clinic tonight. She wanted to talk. Of course, she could still go and look for him at his particular places but for some reason she suddenly felt drained. Assuming Sully would be back in the morning, she decided to rather wait for him here. Since she really didn't want to leave, she dared to ask, "Dr. Mike?"

Michaela had just sat down across from their guest and was distracted by Colleen who gave her a plate with her supper. She smiled thankfully up at her daughter before she responded somewhat absentmindedly, "Yes, Catherine?"

"I was wondering…" The young woman hesitated and Michaela shifted so she could look at her. There was an inexplicable expression in the eyes of her vis-à-vis that silenced Catherine.

Seeing her patient growing insecure, Michaela switched to her doctor mode. After all, nothing of what had happened was Catherine's fault. "What is it?" Her tone indicated that she would listen to whatever the problem was.

Gaining some of her courage back, Catherine went on, "I wanted to ask if I can stay here tonight. I'm tired and …"

Michaela didn't need any more reasons and immediately assured her, "Of course; Colleen will sleep with me again and you…"

Yet Brian, who had followed the conversation and was still sitting with Matthew on his Ma's bed, chimed in, "I could sleep in the barn, Ma. Then my bed would be free."

Normally, Michaela wouldn't allow it. But when she looked at her son, holding his gaze for a moment, their mute conversation made her agree, "Alright, just this once."

She understood perfectly well why Brian didn't want to share the room with Catherine tonight. However, she couldn't afford to think of her own feelings right now. Thus she simply turned back to her meal and asked her children about their day.

It wasn't much later when the house fell quiet. The boys had gone to the barn, and from Colleen and their guest only sounds that accompanied slumber were to be heard. Changed into her nightgown, Michaela sat on the edge of her bed, her hands clutching the sideboard. Sleep seemed as far away as Boston, and the thought of her hometown shook her even deeper. The wooden walls of the small cabin suddenly seemed to close in on her and she followed her instinct to flee the room. Grasping her robe from the end of her bed, she quickly left the house.

Once outside on the porch, she slipped into her robe. Crossing her arms tightly before her chest, she bent her body forward as if bracing herself against a storm.

It was a clear, cold night yet Michaela didn't notice. Her heart was numb and with that the ability to feel anything had left her.

Although she considered this spot her home now, at the moment she felt strangely out of place. This sensation transported her back to her first days in Colorado Springs when no one but Charlotte had respected let alone welcomed her. Of course she had never shown or even admitted it, but sometimes loneliness had overwhelmed her in a way she had never known before. Adding to the still lingering pain caused by the loss of her father, had been the realization that there wasn't even a big sister in whom she could confide. She was alone. Her medical books and instruments were the only familiar things left after she had even had to say good bye to most of her dresses. They didn't fit her new life just like she didn't fit with the people in town. Although Sully had rented her his house, he too hadn't seemed to take her seriously in the beginning. She could tell that he had shared Chief Black Kettle's opinion that she was a crazy white woman.

And there she was at the core of her problem again. She had grown up in one of the wealthiest families of a big city and had studied books since she was able to read. Sully, however, had adopted the Indians' habits. All he needed was a few lean-to's splattered in the woods. Everything he knew he had learned from life itself and the Cheyenne. She was the complete opposite of him. Now Sully had met a woman with a background similar to his, a woman who obviously knew better than her how to make him happy.

Again she had to fight the image of Sully and Catherine kissing, only now his angry voice was added. He had practically yelled at her! A cold shudder ran through her, and Michaela grasped the edges of her robe, pulling it around her body even more tightly. It suddenly felt as if the knife's blade, still stuck in her heart, was being twisted around as she remembered his accusation of her not welcoming his caresses let alone returning them. Yet she simply couldn't offer more than she was already giving. It wasn't in her nature. Being angry with her because of that would be the same as if he were annoyed that she had brown hair instead of blonde. Of course David had kissed her too but only after they had been engaged to be married. And there was another difference: although she had loved David with all her heart, her pulse had never quickened the way it did when Sully touched her. She knew she could easily lose herself in his arms. She still couldn't risk that though; he hadn't even proposed to her yet.

Michaela had learned the hard way that if she didn't keep everything under control, she would fail in whatever she tried to accomplish. Her veneer of independence and strength carefully hid a vulnerability only Sully was allowed to see, and so he had learned about most of her self-doubts already. Now and then she had confided in Dorothy too, but just with matters she needed to discuss with a woman.

However, letting down her guard had proven, once again, to be a mistake. Sully knew of her insecurities when it came to their physical closeness, what he called "sparking." Using it against her, after he had kissed another woman, left Michaela feeling even more betrayed.

A creaking sound from inside of the house startled her. Had she woken anyone because she started pacing up and down the porch a few minutes ago? The last thing she wanted was for someone to join her, least of all Catherine.

When everything remained quiet, Michaela resumed her movements despite the cold seeping through the thin layers of fabric that covered her skin. She wasn't done thinking yet.

Even though she felt terrible doing so, for a moment Michaela allowed herself to bring Catherine into question. She knew that the young woman had just survived a terrible ordeal and for that she had all her sympathy. As a doctor, Michaela was very pleased to see her recovering so fast and of course she knew that Sully had played a big part in this. Yet she couldn't help but wonder how Catherine, who had just lost her husband, was already able to turn towards another man, even fall in love with him. It couldn't be because her life with the Indians had been unbearable or she would have embraced the opportunity to be back in the white man's world. Yet Catherine didn't even want to see the family in Baltimore who had been so happy that they had finally found her. What kind of woman…

At this point, Michaela called herself to order. After all, she had seen this way of dealing with a loss before: A young Cheyenne woman who had just become a widow didn't hesitate to agree when Cloud Dancing had asked her to marry him.

Shivering violently in the cold night air by now, Michaela knew she had to get back into the house. It was useless to brood further. She was tired and her thoughts were starting to wander in circles. She had three children and patients to care for in the morning and couldn't afford to be too tired to think clearly. Maybe she would ask Dorothy for advice in this muddled situation. Only one thing was for sure: her trust in Sully was gone.