Chapter 4

Michaela woke up earlier than usual the next morning. For a short moment she felt the strange, unsettling sensation that a bad dream sometimes left behind. Trying to remember what it was about, it all suddenly came back, hitting her: She had lost her safe haven. Her nightmare was starting with her being back in reality.

Curling up she clutched the pillow to her chest wishing she could forget the argument with Sully. They had been angry with each other before, but this time she wasn't sure if they would ever be able to reconcile. There had been something in his expression and words that still haunted her. She tried to grasp it and then she thought she knew: it was rather what she hadn't been able to detect: respect. Was it because he knew that she needed him more than he might ever need her? He now had a woman around that responded to him the way he liked. Michaela recalled a conversation she had once had with Snowbird: if she would share the man she loved. She remembered how she had looked over to where Sully stood and realized that if he accepted her, she would want him all for herself. This hadn't changed and never would.

Although Sully said he wasn't in love with Catherine, Michaela knew that this feeling could still start to grow; it was just lingering beneath the surface. The other woman was as free with her time as he was. Catherine could join Sully whenever he wanted her around.

Something about this last train of thought didn't sit right with Michaela and she rolled onto her back, leaving the pillow next to her. Staring at the ceiling she tried to pinpoint what it was and when she knew, she turned on her side again. She crossed her arms, pressing them tightly against her chest, bracing herself against the new wave of hurt that shot through her body. There was still one thing she was sure she knew about Sully: he would never kiss a woman if he didn't mean it. He had feelings for Catherine.

As she felt the trickle of a tear running down her cheek she instantly caught herself. She wouldn't start feeling sorry for herself. Angrily wiping the moisture away, she slowly shifted and sat up. Taking in a long, slow breath she tried to calm her heart that thumped heavily against her ribs. She needed to get a grip on her feelings so she could act as normal as possible. Michaela knew she would manage eventually, she always had before. But right now, she wasn't able to face Catherine at the breakfast table. Deciding to see Dorothy before she opened the clinic, she stood up and dressed quietly. Both, Colleen and her patient were still sleeping and thus Michaela scribbled a short note for her daughter.

When she entered the barn, Brian stirred.

"Ma?"

She quickly went over to his makeshift bed on a thick layer of hay. Crouching down next to him she affectionately stroked his hair, "It's quite early, Brian. No need for you to get up already."

Still half asleep, the boy mumbled, "Can I go with Matthew today? He's buildin' a shelf for Ingrid and I wanna help."

Michaela only needed a second to contemplate this request. It would be good for Brian to be distracted and thus she agreed, "If it's alright with your brother, you may accompany him."

Smiling thankfully, Brian closed his eyes again and Michaela bent forward so she could give him a peck on his forehead.

She would always make sure that her children wouldn't suffer just because she was upset.

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After her two morning appointments were over, Michaela sat behind her desk in the examination room. She knew she had to transform the conclusion she had come to at the end of her conversation with Dorothy into a decision. Only then could she start fighting the hurt that still coursed through her body with every beat of her heart.

Her friend however, hadn't offered comfort let alone a solution. On the contrary, when Michaela told her that Sully was fond of Catherine, Dorothy had actually smiled and just commented that a pretty girl always turned a man's head. Her advice to be thankful that Sully was at least honest with her had disturbed Michaela even more. How could she think it was alright for the man she loved to tell her he cared for another woman, for him to compare them and even accuse her of not having similar qualities?

Maybe her picture of love as something pure, simple and true was only an illusion, but she wanted it either this way or not at all. As much as her love for Sully had enriched her life since they'd started courting, she realised now how vulnerable she'd grown in this process. She had allowed him to pull down wall after wall that she'd built around her heart in order to protect it. Shielding herself was essential; only by appearing strong and determined, unaffected by rudeness and hostility, had she been able to survive in a merciless world that was ruled by men.

She had had her guard down when Sully's coldness hit her out of the blue last night. Every time she remembered that last look that spoke of his dislike for her at that moment, she felt a strange sensation inside of her chest which made it difficult to breathe. All she knew was that she couldn't go on this way. Being as distressed as she was it was only a matter of time until she made a mistake as a doctor or missed one of her children's problems again. She needed to remember the good things that were still left in her life.

Straightening in her chair, her gaze fell onto the photograph that had been taken after her graduation. Despite all oppositions, she had accomplished her dream of becoming a doctor. No one could take that away from her. She had her own clinic and enough regular, paying patients to be able to provide for her family. Her family. She was a mother, too. This was already much more than she had ever hoped for. Maybe she simply wasn't destined to be a wife. Although it was out of her character to give up hope, at this moment she did. She knew how to erect walls to protect herself; she had done it all her life. Her patients needed all her power and attention and so did the children. Far too often her daughter and sons had had to look after themselves, so she resolved to spend more time with them again.

At this point, Michaela directed her gaze to the clock on the wall. Still three hours until lunch and no appointments for the rest of the day meant she could go home and help ease Colleen's daily burden of chores. Since people knew where to find her in case of an emergency there was no reason she couldn't leave now.

When Michaela arrived at the homestead, Colleen was doing the laundry in front of the house. Her friend Becky was there too, rinsing the pieces of clothing which Colleen had just washed. As soon as all chores were done, the girls wanted to go to town and meet some of the other kids.

"Dr. Mike!" Colleen was surprised to see her home. "You are early," she commented, smiling widely whilst she continued scrubbing one of Matthew's shirts.

"Yes," replied Michaela, dismounting from Flash, "I thought I'd help you out a bit with the chores."

"Oh," Colleen glanced at her friend and her voice was full of hope when she explained to her mother, "Becky came over and helped so everything is already done… apart from the washing here."

Michaela recognized the mute wish in her daughter's tone and suggested, "What would you say if I take over and you two can leave and do whatever you have planned?"

Colleen's squeal was followed by a wet hug for Michaela, "Thank you, Dr. Mike! I'll be back in time to help prepare lunch…"

Her daughter's happiness made Michaela forget her worries for a moment. Smiling now as well, she wiped on the moisture on her blouse, "I have a better idea. I'll give you some money so you and Becky can have lunch at Grace's. Your brothers aren't here anyway and I might come back to town later, too."

Colleen thanked her for this suggestion with another hug and Michaela added, chuckling now, "How about we both go inside and change?"

For some reason Michaela hadn't expected to see the other woman here, sitting at her table. Being confronted with her troubled thoughts again, Michaela tensed up yet no one noticed. Catherine was merely surprised, too. Colleen had told her that the doctor would only be back when the sun assume its highest position in the sky. Thus she had started working on a white cloth, embroidering it with stitches Colleen had shown her. The girl had told her that this was what women did in the white man's world apart from cooking, washing and keeping the house clean. In Catherine's opinion, living in a teepee was much easier but she wanted to learn everything for her new life. She hadn't dared to join the girls in the yard though, fearing she would disturb their conversation and so she had busied herself with the fabric.

When the doctor greeted her, Catherine could tell that her smile was forced. Resuming her stitching, she wondered if she had done something wrong or if the sorrow from last night still plagued Dr. Mike. She had seen her pacing on the porch as she'd refilled her glass with water.

However, as Catherine looked up from her work the next time, she was alone in the room again. Yet she heard sounds from outside that told her that someone was in the yard. Deciding she could go on with decorating the fabric later, she rose to her feet and left the house through the open backdoor. Looking around, she saw Dr. Mike standing at a wooden tub, cleaning the clothes in a way she hadn't learnt yet.

Lost in her thoughts, Michaela hadn't heard Catherine approaching her. Thus she was surprised when she suddenly heard the young woman's voice, "Teach me."

When Michaela only glanced up at her but continued washing, Catherine explained, using her hands so as to emphasize her words, "I want to help."

Seeing Sully's necklace on the young woman, Michaela had a hard time controlling her emotions. She could feel that her smile was an awkward one when she assured her, "You don't have to."

She didn't know yet how determined Catherine was to fit in here. Not discouraged in the least, she went on to make sure that the doctor knew how much she appreciated her, too. "You are a good doctor." This statement made Michaela look up again. The expression on Catherine's face was sincere as she went on, "A good friend."

For the first time since their conversation on the bench at the clinic, the tension left Michaela's body when she returned Catherine's honest look. She suddenly felt ashamed of her behavior against her patient, reminding herself that nothing of what had happened was Catherine's fault. "Sometimes," she acknowledged, but she knew that she had almost failed this time. That was why she admitted softly and more to herself, "Sometimes I'm not so good."

How could she have allowed her personal feelings to get in the way of tending to someone in need? Determined to correct her mistake, Michaela looked her vis-à-vis straight in the eyes as she continued, "Catherine, I know you were frightened yesterday – about going back to Baltimore."

The young woman's face clouded over at this statement yet she affirmed it with a slight nod.

Michaela sighed, speaking from experience now, "And I know how difficult it is to go to a new place. But it was my hope that you could go there and fit in and be happy."

Michaela could see it in Catherine's expression that she was still terrified by this thought. That was why she offered the following, disregarding how much it would hurt her own feelings if she had possibly to see Sully and her together from now on.

"If you don't feel that you can, you are welcome to stay here."

Michaela knew that she had done the right thing as she watched Catherine's face light up. She couldn't help but be glad though when the young woman turned to go back into the house, leaving her alone with her troubled thoughts. Even though Sully had tried to blame it on her, Michaela was convinced that it wasn't her fault that Catherine believed she would have a better future here with Sully than with her family in Baltimore. As a doctor and maybe even a friend, Michaela was willing to do everything to help her patient find her way back to a happy life.

The rest was up to Sully.

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