Chapter Two: Judith's Lucky Day
Why must I be sent out to get the stupid cheese pizza. And okay I'd rather be going to get the pizza then going to the airport to get the actual friend which is what Frank is doing. But why must it be cheese? Oh yeah because our new roomie is vegetarian. That is right. From now on we are going to have to take this into consideration whenever we are ordering take out or going out. We have to now have a vegetarian option. This is so like Heather. She is only making things more difficult.
Do you know how you know you are going to have a bad day? Whenever you wake up and every part of your upper body is soar and your mouth taste like you just had a can of sardines and washed it down with a keg of beer you pretty much know your day will suck. It also doesn't help that when you wake up you know your roommate isn't up so you try to make as little noise as possible but then you end up making ten times the noise you usually do because you are running into the stupid stand that your roommate insists you put your wet towels on in the bathroom, or you knock over the stupid coffee maker onto its side not only the coffee machine making noise but also you are because of the hot flowing liquid (lava) that is running off of the counter and through your very thin boxer shorts.
That's another thing I will no longer be able to just parade around the apartment in my Tommy Hilfiger's (though I'm not saying I do parade just that now I won't even have the ability to). I find pleasure in the little abilities I am entitled to while living with a guy that are now being snatched away even if I don't indulge in them. These things include but are not limited to walking away half naked, blasting music at four in the morning, getting so drunk I trip over the bubble in the carpeting in the living room, and hosting video game tournaments over the weekend.
I am not going to show that I am upset about this. I must not complain. I must act like I am actually happy that this repulsive, feminist, murder happy, ugly woman is moving in with us.
Must hide the moment I get home:
Aforementioned book.
Fuzzy cow slippers.
The good tooth paste.
My Cheetos; which I've been meaning to hide since Fred seems to eat every time he gets the chance.
Picture of Bob Dylan and me; though I'm not sure why I must hide this it just seems like a good idea.
I don't know if you have ever flown across an ocean but if you haven't humor me for a second. Have you ever ridden a rollercoaster? Ever ridden the same rollercoaster for fourteen hours straight? Ever ridden the same rollercoaster for fourteen hours and it gets stuck and you are hanging upside down? That is a transatlantic flight for you. Not to mention that your feet tend to swell. Plus for some reason my dad has gone on this kick that we show the rest of the world that we are just like them which means I get to fly in COACH across an ocean. My dad really is going crazy with this. At least he could have given me first class. I'm not saying that I am better then coach seats just that I am a really bad flyer and I mean does my father love me? Sometimes I wonder.
I tried to sleep for a while but I was in the aisle seat which although is great for someone we needs the bathroom a lot is a horrible place with people with long limbs such as myself. I got hit by everyone who came from seats in zones 3 on. Then one of the flight attendants came over and was kneeling at my seat and was whispering about how it was such an honor that I was flying with them. I was just trying to sleep and by this time I felt like I was going to cry if I didn't get some privacy. And the flight attendant wasn't as quiet as he had meant to be so the guy next to me was all, "Wow you are the Princess of Genovia? No way! I write for a little newspaper in College Station, Texas and it'd be great to have an interview." And of course I had to give an interview because I am a nice person so I ended up spending half of the flight answering questions not only for Jose but also the guy next to him why worked for the same publishing company, different paper, and had gone to the same press convention with Jose. Then another good ΒΌ of the trip was spent on trying and failing to sleep and the last quarter was spent on me trying to get just a little tipsy. I wasn't falling down drunk by any means just a little buzz.
Okay, I've totally been punched in the gut. I've never actually been punched in the gut (unless you count that time Lilly elbowed me because I was "eye rapping" Mia when we were in high school and she was wearing that dress at that first dance after that stupid Josh had made her cry) but I can safely assume that this is what it feels like. Here is the full story: I had gotten home and I had been nice by placing the pizza in the stove (now you may have asked before why we didn't get the pizza delivered to our apartment and I have an answer. Our neighbors, all the other people on our floor, have big scary dogs. You have to know exactly how to walk down the hall way so you didn't walk onto the creaky spot in the floor or cast a shadow into our neighbors' apartments since they always have their door open and the dogs are raring to go.) I was midway through hiding Mr. Binks and Farmer Joe (they aren't as pathetic as the sound. Actually when it comes to slippers Mr. Binks and Farmer Joe are the rock stars of foot wear) when I heard the door creak open and two laughs. Then it was quiet as Heather's friend was taking in just exactly she had gotten herself into.
I walked out of my room, fully clothed thank you very much. Fred and our new roommate seemed to be studying the work needed in the room that she was going to be staying in. I heard their voices but decided that I wasn't going to be the good host yet; I was going to grab some Kool Aid out of the fridge and wait for them to come to me. They were laughing again then I heard foot steps coming from behind me from the guest bedroom (aka the office). The foot steps were louder and louder and the laughter had continued. Then the reached the kitchen and half of the laughter stopped. I still wasn't quite ready to turn around so I finished my Kool Aid and put my cup in the trash. Then I turned. Warning this is where I got my gut punched. Mia. And obviously I said this out loud because both Mia and Fred were looking at me like I had. Fred looked confused. Mia looked like she was about to start to cry.
"Hey," she said finally really quietly. She looked exactly how she had before with the exception that she had aged a little only in a good way. Like she was more confident then before or in Lilly's words "self actualized". I never got what the big deal with that was. To say I wasn't still attracted to Mia is a defiant lie but I was trying to get over my feelings for her so I had to act like I wasn't happy to see her, which of course I was.
"I didn't know you knew Heather." Because this was naturally the first thing that came into my mind. It hadn't really occurred to me that Mia is friends with Lilly and Lilly is friends with Heather so they probably met sometime; they obviously had. It had taken me about five minutes to realize I wasn't breathing. Also nausea was flowing over me. Fred was looking at us like we didn't have eyes or something. Fred had no idea about Mia or how much she meant to me. Fred was part of my life that I had chosen to separate from my Mia life. Of course this was hard, starting a new life after Mia and I had broken up, because Lilly would always be Mia's best friend and Lilly would, unfortunately, always be my sister. Lilly knows not to talk about Mia.
How could Lilly do this? She must have known what Heather had arranged. She knows how much I hate, or love depending on which day of the week it is, Mia. Lilly has just moved up on my hit list. It must be Judith's lucky day.
I am now totally sobered up. Of course I had thought of the possibility that I'd see Michael once I got to New York but I was expecting it to be while we were both picking up take out and we just sort of tried to ignore each other while I really just soaked in everything about him. I wasn't really expecting to have to live with him. His bedroom door is seriously ten feet from mine and if I put my ear against the wall I can hear in his room when he is being quiet, like when he is sleeping. (Not that I tried to hear him sleeping just when I got my first minute alone and I put my ear on the wall I could hear his ceiling fan making it's slow rotations.) How am I supposed to write about some really great love when the only love I ever participated in is being displayed as a failure in front of my eyes?
I will seriously kill Lilly. Okay, maybe I won't but I'll get Lars to do it. He would wouldn't he? This is probably all part of her evil scheme to ruin my life for the sake of a social experiment. When two exes life under one roof. I see it now.