Chapter 6
The next morning was a sunny one. Wolf lay on the porch of the mercantile, his head on his paws, watching lazily as everyone hurried around loading things onto the vehicle before him. His master had just put something up there too but was now out of sight. The animal didn't budge though; he would know when it was necessary to move.
Michaela looked tired as she stepped towards Catherine. She'd returned to the homestead late at night after assisting at a difficult delivery. She had had to proceed to a Caesarian and had only left the young family when she was sure that mother and child were well enough to be left in the care of the concerned husband. Colleen had heard her arriving. She had gotten up again in order to tell her Ma the news about Catherine leaving and that she was sleeping at the clinic. Knowing that Dr. Mike would consider making sure that the young woman was alright in town, the astute daughter promised that there was no need to worry. Her patient was fine, the ticket on tomorrow's stagecoach was booked and the bag packed.
Too exhausted from a long working day and strained nerves, Michaela had eventually conceded and gone to bed, making a mental note that she needed to write a patient's report for her colleague in Baltimore first thing in the morning.
Having just finished it in time a few minutes ago, she offered the papers, secured in a big brown envelope, to Catherine who was waiting at the stagecoach, directing her gaze from Sully to her now. Michaela's voice didn't give any of her emotions away but was soft when she explained the content of the document.
"I've written a letter regarding my medical findings. I want you to give this to a doctor when you get there."
Seeing the anguish on the young woman's face, Michaela tried an assuring smile when she said, "Good bye, Catherine." She even closed the distance between them as to give her a short but friendly hug, adding, "Good luck."
Although the doctor was the reason that she had to leave, Catherine was sincere when she replied, "Thank you, Dr. Mike. For everything."
Feeling the awkwardness of the situation growing, Michaela's smile faded as she stepped back to join her children that were watching the scene.
Catherine, however, turned towards Sully who held the stagecoach door open for her. For a moment they just looked at each other, knowing that this was their final goodbye. Catherine felt she didn't have the right to continue wearing his necklace since his love belonged to another woman. As she started to take off his gift, Sully stopped her though. Gently laying his hand over hers, he told her, "No. You keep it. Remember me."
Hearing his words, Michaela shifted so she could watch Sully and Catherine, having never seen them talking so privately before. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Sully's tender expression when he touched Catherine's necklace on his chest and added, "I'll remember you."
For a second she wondered what kind of memories they shared but she instantly caught her self. This wasn't her business anymore. It still hurt though. Since she'd learned that Sully had been kissing another woman she'd developed a strange ring around her chest that made it difficult to breathe; the ring was tightening again.
Sully, of course, didn't notice. He hadn't looked at her since he'd joined them in the morning. At the moment, he only had eyes for Catherine who turned away from him in order to enter the stagecoach. Matthew, feeling somewhat uncomfortable now too although he had no idea what was going on between the three adults, stepped closer to help as well but neither Catherine nor Sully were paying attention to him.
Sully was proud of Catherine, for how far she had come in just one week – from the frightened animal-like creature to the beautiful young woman that was now leaving this place. And she was leaving even though it meant exchanging the safety of friendship for something unknown once again.
After she had taken her seat, Sully closed the door and looked up at her face that openly displayed her anxiety and sadness. He laid his hand on the window frame, almost touching hers this way, contemplating what else he could do to reassure her that everything would be alright. After all, her family cared enough to have paid for her journey to Baltimore. But why hadn't they offered to send a family member to pick her up? However, before he could think of a solution, the stagecoach was pulling away, and he had to make a quick movement so as not to get dragged along. Catherine didn't respond to his waving; motionless she just kept staring at him. While the vehicle gained speed, Sully considered that it might have been a mistake not accompanying her, at least to the train station in Denver. She wasn't used to the busy world she would enter now; she sure would need a guide.
Seeing Sully's gaze still lingering on the stagecoach that pulled farther and farther away, Michaela wondered what he was thinking. Was he as sad as Catherine was that she was leaving? Did he still wear her necklace in order to keep her with him like he did with Abigail by letting his braid grow?
Michaela's heart started racing at this thought and she knew she had to put a physical distance between them. Only then would she be able to maintain her still wavering emotional distance with Sully. Matthew was already leaving too so she turned to Colleen, taking her medical bag out of her daughter's hands, explaining, "I have calls to make. I'll see you back home."
Colleen simply nodded, wondering about what she had just seen and heard. She didn't give it much thought however and headed off towards the clinic while Michaela hurried in the direction of the path that lead out of town.
Out of the corner of his eye, Sully saw Michaela passing him without even deigning to look at him. He couldn't believe it. In his opinion she had no reason to be upset. She could stay in her familiar surrounding, have her family and friends around but was still sulking. He had to make sure she knew that he wouldn't tolerate her being moody forever.
That was why he made a quick decision when Brian tugged at his arm, asking him if they could go fishing. Caught in his annoyance about Michaela, Sully didn't realize how happy the boy was that Catherine was finally gone so he had his big friend back. Sully was already thinking about the upcoming argument with Michaela when he glanced down at the child. "I'd really like that, Brain," he said patting the boy's shoulder, "but I gotta talk to Dr. Mike first."
Not waiting for a reply, he started running towards the bridge that Michaela had just crossed. His anger grew with every stride he made, and when he was finally close enough so he didn't have to yell for her to hear him, he snapped, "You aren't lettin' it go, are you?"
Michaela had walked as fast as she could so her now racing heart could be explained away much more easily than her feeling embarrassed, hurt and angry, all at the same time. How could Sully display his feelings for Catherine so openly in front of the whole town? However, she was mainly angry with herself because she was still more affected by his actions than she wanted to be. Hearing his demanding voice, Michaela stopped in her tracks and without hesitation, turned to him abruptly.
"So I can be made a fool of again?" she huffed, her tone strained.
Taken aback by this response Sully forgot his annoyance momentarily, wondering, "Is that how you see it?"
Knowing she couldn't avoid talking to him forever, Michaela decided to get this discussion over with. She put her medical bag on the ground before she closed the distance between them, facing him, challenging him, "What if she'd stayed?"
To his surprise her voice sounded as if she were on the verge of tears rather than being full of resentment. Not taking the time to think about his reply carefully he simply stated the obvious. After all, because he had made his choice a long time ago, Catherine was now on her way to Baltimore.
"I'd 've chosen you."
Instead of mending her heart, those words broke it even more. In her eyes he had just admitted that he was still comparing her to other women. The small gesture of her hands made her look almost helplessly as she asked, "How do I know that?"
Her tone worried him, he had never heard her so bitter before. In an attempt to soothe her, he quickly assured with his voice soft now, "Nothing ever happened between me and Catherine. I wouldn't let it."
Michaela could read in his expression that he wanted her to trust him, but she simply couldn't, not after she had seen them together a few minutes ago.
"Something happened here," she replied instead, laying her fingers on his chest in the exact same spot that he had touched when he had assured Catherine that he would remember her.
Although slightly alarmed, Sully still thought he had everything under control and Michaela just needed some more reassurance. Thus he reached for her hand yet it slipped out of his as if it was insubstantial and his fingers only clenched around air. Not expecting, let alone understanding this reaction he looked down at his empty hand. Stunned, he didn't try to deny what she'd just been saying; Michaela took this as a confirmation of her words. Despite the lump that was growing in her throat she went on after several long heart beats, looking him straight in the eyes, "I would've never thought that was possible. Not after the things we said to each other."
And again Sully tried to convince her. "I meant all those things. I still do!" Emphasizing his last words he searched her face, expecting her to finally see that there was nothing to fear. Actually, he couldn't understand that she still thought he'd been unfaithful towards her although he'd continually told her otherwise.
Yet Michaela, unable to look at him any longer, pivoted and took a few steps away. Looking at him had reminded her that she had once seen his love for her in his eyes. She hadn't detected it now. Being close to losing her composure, she tried to take in a deep breath. The weight that pressed on her chest was too heavy though to allow it.
Sully couldn't believe how stubborn she was being. What else did she want him to do? Standing fixed in his spot, he lifted his arms in an unnerved gesture, "Don't ya hear what I'm sayin'?"
This time it was he who didn't gain a response. With his annoyance returning, he didn't suppress his anger as he took the few steps towards her. Tugging at her sleeve he growled, "Will ya stay mad at me forever?"
Michaela tried to shrug his hand off. Having a hard time checking her tears from falling she only said, "Leave me alone."
Not realizing that it was desperation he was hearing, Sully lost his temper. "Answer me," he demanded. Gripping her arm he forced her to turn toward him again.
Astonished he noticed that there wasn't the expected stubbornness or even defiance on her face. Realizing that she was close to crying he softened somewhat, still waiting for her to reply though.
Accepting that she owed him an explanation, Michaela gave it. "I'm not angry. You…" her voice trailed off.
It was difficult for her to admit it out loud for if he knew how he could affect her it would make her even more vulnerable. Taking in a shaky breath she went on nevertheless, allowing him to see her being weak for the last time. "You hurt me, Sully."
Those simple words took him off guard and for a minute he couldn't hold her gaze. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably as Michaela went on, "I'm a doctor. People put themselves in my hands; they give themselves to me. They trust me. I'm not used to giving myself to anyone."
She paused yet looked up into his eyes, wanting him to comprehend what she was saying. Her voice was thick with emotion when she admitted, her words barely more than a whisper, "I gave myself to you. I trusted you."
For the first time it occurred to Sully that it wasn't simple jealousy he had to deal with. The pain on Michaela's expression hit him hard and he instinctively reached out for her, to comfort her. "I'm sorry," he said, "I…"
The way she immediately shied away from the hand that wanted to tenderly cup her cheek silenced him, even more than what she said next.
"I am, too. I just… I can't be with you right now."
She would never forgive herself if he saw her losing it. In a way it felt good though that she had told him because she knew he would respect her wish for solitude.
Sully took a step away from her, now having some trouble with his breathing too. Looking down at the ground he carefully considered his reply, sensing that if he said the wrong thing, he might lose her. Knowing that pressure would only cause more damage, he eventually gazed at her again, wanting her to see that he meant his words, "If you change your mind – I'll always be here."
He would give her the space she needed. Yet he couldn't help it: before he left, he needed to feel her in his arms again.
This time, she didn't shy away but hugged him back. She clung to him as you cling to a hope that you know is already lost. Sully had no idea that she was hugging her love goodbye just as Michaela didn't see his tortured expression as the knowledge that he had hurt the woman he wanted to spend his life with finally sank in.
Determined to comply with her wish to be left alone, Sully at last loosened his embrace although she still held onto him. His face was blank as he briefly looked her up and down before simply turning and walking away.
Michaela, however, remained standing and watched his retreating figure. When he had said goodbye to Catherine, his expression had been full of emotion yet for her, he didn't even bother to look back. She felt as if she'd already vanished from his mind.
Neither of them knew what was going on in the other's heart. Lacking a map, they had drifted off course.
The intervals between my posting the chapters might grow because the upcoming weeks will become busy for me. But of course you will get chapters until M&S will be reunited again :). Thank you so much for reading this story!