AN: Read on, ye merry hippogriffs!

"Sirius Black! If you don't get those slobbery noodles that you call lips away from me this instant, I'm going to kick you. Hard."

Sirius pouted. "I don't see what your problem is, Addie-poo. You can't just kiss someone like that and never do it again."

"And that is where you're wrong, Black. For you, it might have been something special, but for me it was nothing. Less than nothing, actually. It was like kissing a dead fish. And while I… respect your situation more now, that doesn't mean- HEY! I see you inching closer… stop inching! Get those disgusting flobberworm lips away from me!"

She pushed him back hard and his chair tipped backwards. Of course, this being a teenage romance story, he grabbed her arm in a desperate attempt to steady himself and she fell onto the floor, right on top of him.

He smirked. "Knew you'd come around, love." He smoothly exchanged their positions so that he was looking down on her. "Brings back lovely memories, eh?" She let out a frustrated breath and tried to push him away.

"Black, get your fat arse off of me right now!"

"Whatever did my arse do to you? First you call it stupid, now you call it fat. I can't for the life of me figure out why you harbor such hatred towards something so- so… perfect."

She temporarily stopped her squirming. "You really are an idiot."

"Yeeeesss… But you enjoyed that kiss. Admit it. When you do, I'll let you up. If you won't, then I'll stay right on top of you while proclaiming to the world that we had a lovely little snog session down by the lake."

"I won't"

"Admit it, admit it, admit it," he sang to her, "Admit your lust. You luuurve me. Admit it. Do it. Now."

"No."

"Ehhh- wrong answer." He yelled, "Hey world, guess what Adelle and-"

She clapped a hand over his mouth. "Don't you dare."

"Admit it."

She sighed. "Fine, it wasn't the worst. Happy?"

He smiled. "Somewhat."

"But I'm never doing it again. It meant nothing, OK?"

"We'll see about that. Anytime you want something from me, you're going to have to give me… something in return."

She glared at him and gave him one last enormous shove, sending him toppling onto the stone floor. Then she kicked him and sauntered out of the room.

"You know, I just don't understand why Lily isn't in love with me."

Remus glanced up from his book as they sat at the breakfast table. "Well now, call me crazy here, but she could dislike your immature behavior, complete and utter disrespect for the rules, or your ignorance to excellent literature. Or your lack of steady work habits. Or your conceited attitude. Or your inability to commit to anything except stalking her. Or your messy hair or fat calves."

"Uhm. Excuse me," James yelled, "Fat calves?? I do not have fat calves."

Remus shrugged. "Not as firm and muscular as they used to be. You lack tone, Prongs."

James moodily threw the donut that he was holding to the floor and continued. "...Anyway, I get the point. It's just that I freeze up whenever I'm around her and I have to resort to acting like a stupid, immature prat because I don't know what else to do."

"Tell her that. Write her a letter," Remus said simply as he turned back to his book.

"Aha! Another brilliant idea by James Potter. I'll write her a letter!"

Remus stared at him and just blinked.

"Ok well I was already thinking it. You just said it," James said. "I'll give you partial credit on that one. Well I've got to be off, Mooney. Thanks for your partial kind-of maybe advice. Not that I needed it." And with that, he picked up his fallen donut ("My precious") and rushed out of the great hall.

Sirius and James were sitting beneath the sacred and almighty tree by the lake. James had in front of him a piece of blank parchment and a quill poised unmoving in his hand.

"So I want to sound sensitive, right?"

"Yeah, make it all mawkish and sentimental. Just don't be gay about it."

"Right." He began to write, "My dearest Lily." He stopped and sighed. "How do I tell her that she's the most beautiful and amazing girl I've ever met? And that she makes my heart beat so fast that I'm pretty sure the whole world can hear it. And that she makes me want to be a better person?" James looked lost.



Sirius thought for a second. "Ok, I've got it. Write this: Dear Lily, you have great boobs and they make me want to be a better person. You turn me on when you talk. Also, you're kind of beautiful. P.S. I like you a lot." He smiled, rather pleased with himself.

"Orrr- this." He began to write again:

"Every perfect rose I come across, every lovely Autumn day I see, ever stunning sunset I witness, only reminds me of your beauty and how I am unable to attain such a paragon of perfection. You are my reason for getting out of bed each morning; so that I might gaze upon your face at least once more. You are my reason for going to sleep every night; so that I can dream of you, for my dreams are the only place that we will ever be together. No man deserves you, least of all myself. Your beauty haunts my sleep and my every waking moment. If anything ever happened to you, I know that my existence on this earth would be pointless. Many men will try to win your heart, but take this letter into consideration: my pathetic attempt at letting you know how much a care for you, though it would be truly impossible for you to understand the extent of my love."

Sirius whistled. "That is one beautiful bunch of bull-"

"I mean it."

"Oh well… you're whipped."

"Yeah."

"Urm, well you should probably sign it now."

James re-inked his quill and concentrated very hard on making his signature look sophisticated. "Uhh Prong? Who the hell is Jarnsettfe?"

"What? That says James!"

"No, it doesn't. Look: J-A-R-N-S-E-T-T-F-E. Jarnsettfe. It's pretty clear."

"You know what? It's just too sophisticated for you. It says James, and Lily will be able to read it because we are soul mates. S-O-O-L M-A-T-E-S."

"Um yes. You go mail that now OK?"

"Righto-"

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The next morning, James waited anxiously for the post. He had made sure to sit directly across from Lily so he could see her reaction to his letter. He also reassured himself by having Remus and Sirius sit beside him for moral support.

A flutter of owls suddenly appeared at the ceiling of the Great Hall. Lily looked very puzzled as a large brown barn owl landed directly in front of her. James waited with bated breath as she broke the seal of the envelope. Remus and Sirius gave him significant looks.

As Lily read, her face flushed a dark pink and her mouth formed a little "o." Adelle had been looking over her shoulder as she read, and she gasped. "That is so beautiful."

James beamed and looked to Lily. She looked up, straight across at James with a question in her eyes, but only briefly.

"Who the hell is Jarnsettfe?" Adelle questioned.

DAMN!

Sirius tried to laugh, but he began choking on his toast instead, coughing like a maniac.

"I've got no bloody idea, but this is the sweetest letter I've ever gotten," Lily told her. She still looked a bit flushed.

"Oooh! Maybe he's French, with a weird name like that!" Adelle gushed.

James was simply too shocked to say anything. After everyone had finished breakfast, Remus pulled James aside, looking puzzled.

"That was a nice move, James. Never thought you'd make it anonymous. Very Mature. I thought you'd want all the credit upfront."

"Oh- well, yes. That is just how I roll."

AN: I've got a lot more of the story written. It's been written for months, but I just stopped because I was discouraged by the lack of reviews. But I'm trying not to care so much what other people think anymore, and I'm just writing for my own amusement. Reviews are still welcomed, though.