Chapter 7

As Sully strode along the path back to town, it felt as if his chest had become a hollow room. Without meeting resistance, his heart thumped heavily against his ribs whilst Michaela's words reverberated through his head. She'd said she couldn't be with him right now. Yet it wasn't so much these words that sped up his pulse but her expression, which was now etched into his mind. He had seen her vulnerable side before – when she had had to operate on Brian or when she had been greatly concerned about her mother's health. He had been there to comfort her then. Yet this time, he was responsible for her tears…

Deciding rather to think about what to do next, he shrugged off the feeling of guilt that started to claim him. Although he accepted that it was he who had caused her pain, he still didn't comprehend why it had happened. Sully wished he could have a man-to-man talk with Cloud Dancing. His brother's advice was always helpful, even though he never directly told him what to do. For now, however, Brian was waiting, and Sully was determined to show Michaela that he was serious about what he'd said: he would always be there for her and right now that meant taking care of her son.

…………………………………………….

Brian sat on the clinic porch, his feet on the street. Absentmindedly scratching the soil with a stick, he considered what to do. He wasn't sure if Sully had said he would take him fishing after the talk with his Ma. He really wished it was so, after all they hadn't done anything together for more than a week…

When Wolf, who had joined him a few minutes ago, suddenly lifted his head and looked in the direction of the mercantile, Brian did the same. The boy's face lit up at the sight of Sully coming around the corner.

"Hey, Sully," he called, jumping up and waving excitedly.

"Still wanna go fishin'?" Sully asked as he reached him, forcing a smile.

"Sure," Brian nodded eagerly. "I only gotta get my fishing rod first."

Yet Sully feared they might meet Michaela on their way to the homestead and thus suggested, "I could show ya how the Cheyenne fish. Then ya wouldn't need it."

Of course Brian had no objections; this was even better. His excitement soon waned though. Although Sully never talked very much, unless he was telling a story, today he was even quieter. Growing insecure, the child glanced at his big friend from time to time but it seemed as if Sully had forgotten about his presence. In Brian's eyes, there could be only two reasons and both were equally bad.

"Ya sad 'cause she's gone?" he finally dared to ask, fearing to gain a "yes" in response for it could mean that Sully might still leave, too.

Sully instantly halted in his tracks. He had been thinking of Catherine because the creek had reminded him how she had found her memory back here. Pivoting to look at Brian, he said something else though.

"Not sad, just concerned if she'll make it safely to her new home."

Brian nodded.

"But ya told the driver to keep an eye on her."

"Yeah, I did," Sully affirmed.

Suddenly realizing that he had been watched as he'd said goodbye to Catherine, Sully turned abruptly, resuming his walk along the creek. As he replayed the scene in his head he was sure that he hadn't done anything wrong. He'd only wanted to make the departure as easy as possible for Catherine; no one could reproach him for being nice to a friend who was leaving for a town all the way across the country. Yet thinking that, another farewell scene appeared before his eyes, one from not too long ago: when Michaela had left with the kids for Boston, he had only waved to her from a distance. Had Michaela remembered that at the stagecoach, too? No, he decided, this was ridiculous, not comparable at all. He was reading more into the situation than there really was...

Brian, however, was caught in his own worries and still far away from being reassured. If Sully wasn't sad then there must be another reason for his strained quietness. Maybe this was all his fault.

"Ya mad 'cause I told Ma?" he eventually managed to ask, feeling terrible now.

Puzzled, Sully stopped again. Turning around he saw the anxiety on the boy's face and suddenly understood. Squatting down before him, Sully laid his hands on his shoulders, making him look at him.

"Listen, Brian," he said, hoping he sounded convincing for he was utterly sincere about his next words.

"Nothing that happened is your fault, alright? It's just between me and Dr. Mike."

This sounded familiar and Brian nodded, "That's what Ma said."

"Good," Sully replied, squeezing the small shoulders reassuringly. "I'll always be your friend, no matter what."

These words produced a small smile on Brian's face.

"Ma said the same. And that you're a good man."

Sully suddenly felt a lump in his throat. "She did?"

"Yeah, after I told her about you and…" Brian's voice trailed off. He shouldn't have mentioned it again. He should have kept it all a secret. In fact, neither his Ma nor Sully blaming him had actually made him feel even worse.

Sensing that Brian was close to tears now, Sully pulled him into a hug. "Everything's gonna be alright again, don't worry."

"Promise?" Brian whispered next to his friend's ear.

Sully accepted the challenge like he had done so long ago; he would figure out something to make Michaela see that it was her he wanted.

"Promise," he assured.

…………………………………………………………………

They'd actually managed to catch some fish for the family's supper and Sully accompanied Brian up to the edge of the woods, wanting to make sure the boy would get home safely. Understanding Brian's unspoken question when they parted, he'd told him that he wouldn't come to the homestead; not tonight and maybe for even a few more days. "I gotta look after my traps," he'd explained. "Besides, I think Dr. Mike could use some time alone with you kids."

Brian had nodded, trying to be brave and Sully had added, convincing the child, "I promised, remember?"

It was shortly after noon when Sully at last approached the Cheyenne village. To his relief, he heard the tone of his brother's flute before he had even spotted him. Although usually hunting parties weren't allowed anymore, Cloud Dancing could still have been away for the day. But he wasn't and thus Sully strolled to his friend's teepee. Snowbird wasn't there though, so Sully lowered himself to the ground before the tent, simply watching the daily commotions before him. Some children were playing nearby, placing pebbles one after another in a pattern only they understood. Seeing their thin arms and pinched faces, Sully furrowed his brow. Life became harder for the Cheyenne with every new day.

"You are worried, my friend."

His brother's voice interrupted his train of thoughts. Cloud Dancing sat down next to Sully, not expecting a confirmation. Sully, however, replied nevertheless, "Lookin' at your kids makes me wanna do more for ya. I wish I could."

The medicine man knew that but he also knew something else, "That's not why you are here."

"No," Sully conceded, giving his friend a half smile.

"Women trouble" the Cheyenne stated simply. He hadn't said anything when Sully had showed up a few days ago and asked his wife for help in getting an Indian dress. Sure, his friend had explained the situation but in Cloud Dancing's opinion, Sully was doing something wrong. Even though the strange white woman had lived as a part of an Indian tribe for many moons, there would be no way back for her to this life. That was why the medicine man thought it better to make her a part of the white man's world as soon as possible. An Indian dress wouldn't help with that. Dr. Mike was a smart woman, she would see it the same way. It was to be expected that his friend would run into problems.

Shrugging nervously, Sully confirmed his brother's suspicion, "Yeah."

They sat quietly for some long moments until Sully couldn't take the silence any longer. He gave a short report of the events, still leaving out a certain detail though. Cloud Dancing could tell that he hadn't heard the whole story yet and didn't respond. Knowing that it was silly to hope for advice without telling his friend everything, Sully finally revealed, "Brian saw how Catherine kissed me and told Dr. Mike."

The Cheyenne nodded knowingly but continued to say nothing. Growing more uncomfortable by the minute, Sully defended himself, "I couldn't reject Catherine at that moment! I only wanted…"

Yet as always, Cloud Dancing already knew exactly where the sore point lay. "You could not or you would not?"

Watching anger creeping into his white brother's expression, the medicine man added, "If you don't answer this question honestly at least to yourself, you will lose Dr. Mike."

Speaking these words, Cloud Dancing rose to his feet and giving Sully's shoulder an encouraging pat suggested, "Think about it, my friend."

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Convinced he was just being misjudged, Sully refused to feel guilty about anything he had done to help Catherine. He roamed the woods for the rest of the day, trying in vain to figure out what to do next for of course, he didn't want to lose the only woman who could make him feel whole again. A night of restless sleep didn't help matters either and so he at last decided to take Cloud Dancing's advice and look into his heart again.

As he went to a large oak behind his lean-to and sat down cross-legged at its foot, Wolf gave a soft whimper, knowing that his master didn't want to be disturbed for a while.

Sully had learned the procedure of how to empty his mind in order to be able to focus on only one subject. Patience and concentration were all he needed. Yet for some reason he lacked the latter today. Cloud Dancing had taught him that this meant his mind already knew it would discover something it didn't want to find.

Determined to prove that this wasn't the case for him, Sully gave it another try.

Making himself comfortable on the hard ground again, still sitting cross-legged, he closed his eyes. With the back of his hands resting on his knees, the palms open to the sky, he listened to the light rustle of the leaves above him and the occasional bird calls until his body relaxed. He knew he was ready now and recalled the scene at the clinic.

Catherine sat on the bed before him, looking up at him with her sad, desperate eyes, touching him, saying that he was the only person she felt connected with.

He understood how lonely she felt; he had been in the same place. When he saw her leaning up to him…

Sully's eyes flew open and he gasped. It didn't matter that he had pulled away rather quickly because Catherine's lips against his hadn't felt right - he had kissed another woman. It didn't matter why he had allowed the kiss to happen. It was wrong and he had known it right away. He remembered that he had wiped his lips as he entered the examination room afterwards, fearing that Dr. Mike would recognize what he had done.

His shoulders slumped with the realization that he had indeed broken Michaela's trust in him. Yet there was no use in dwelling on this fact. Determinedly, he straightened his back again: no matter how long it took, he would win her trust back by showing her in every possible way that she could rely on him.