Not Another…
How-I-was-sent-to-the-Avatar-Universe/ Mary-Sue Fic
My name's Chuck Norris. And this is the story of how I got stuck…in the Avatar Universe…
…But before I start my awesome, amazing story, it's important that I start from the beginning, before I entered the Avatar Universe…
I was in a huge television studio, preparing for my newest exercise machine commercial, when it happened. Wait, I forgot what I was going to say…never mind, now I remember…
…As I set up the machine—or at least tried to—(gosh, it's like, for some reason really hard to set these "easy-to-set-up-machines! Even for me, Chuck Norris) the assistant of my co host, Katie Couric had arrived. I forget what her name was, so I'll just call her Katie Couric II.
"I'm sorry Mr. Norris-"
"Please, call me Mr. Norris…" I said as I brushed my wavy red locks.
"Ok…um, anyways, I'm sorry to inform you that Ms. Couric won't be able to co host with you tonight. Could you maybe, reschedule the recording until next week perhaps?"
That's when it happened. The sound of lighting (or was it more of a boom?) thundered from above, inexplicably since we were inside a television studio, and furthermore the weather channel said it would be clear all weekend. Plus, around this time in L.A., it usually just gets all hot and muggy, and those street car wash guys never wear a shirt… Anyways, a bolt of lighting struck a cameraman setting up—poor Billy—and traveled through the lenses, and out towards me like a gun.
Now, I would've dodged the shot, but this wasn't Walker Texas Ranger…it was an exercise-machine commercial. Naturally, I survived the thousands of volts of electricity, but Katie Couric II wasn't so lucky. I could feel every bone and muscle and the surgically improved part of my body digitizing, and I was transferred into the camera and into the unknown.
Flashes of light and strange and eerie noises screamed passed me as I could feel myself slowly torn apart by the high speed velocity. I can honestly say that the only other time I felt this horrible was when I had to undergo a prostate exam last month…or maybe that time I passed a kidney stone…or maybe that time I punched Billy when I thought he was trying to kill me. It wasn't my fault…he decided to dress up as a ninja for Halloween!
When I finally came to, I somehow ended up in a vast plain, void of any settlements or people. At first, I though I somehow teleported to my ten thousand acre ranch estate, but everything looked weird and "kid-ish". Not grand and manly like I asked the contractors to build. I looked around and inspected myself to make sure there weren't any hypodermic needle punctures on my body (in case this was like the last time), but found that I was relatively free of any of that. Rather than stick around and ask for directions, I took off into the vast wilderness and began to explore on my own.
After weeks without food or water, I wandered into a town in the dead of night, feeling a little peckish for some grub. I walked into one of the adobe huts to find myself in some sort of saloon, filled with beady eyed and dangerous looking men sitting about.
"Am I being Punk'd?" I asked out loud, but no one seemed concerned with my arrival. Finding the biggest and toughest character I could, I strolled over to him and punched him in the nose. "You're not Jamie Kennedy, are you?"
"What's wrong with you stranger!?" He nasally whined at me. Now everyone seemed to notice me. I wonder why people are always picking on the peaceful one…
"You attack a soldier of the Earth Kingdom? Get him!" Now that I look at it, several of the men seemed to have been wearing some sort of stupid green uniform. Not black ninja gear like I was used to. They began throwing rocks around, of which I easily punched through using my forearms and with powerful kicks.
"Not even you can defeat a whole room of earthbenders!" The leader screamed out. As he charged me, I simply cracked his arms with a karate chop. And I shared my karate chop with everyone else who attacked me afterwards.
"I just want to know where I can grab some grub. I don't want to have to hurt you guys." I threatened, but everyone was too busy rolling around on the ground to heed my warning. Ignoring the rude men, I simply walked over to the bar and ordered something to eat. "Thanks." I told the barkeeper, and walked out of the establishment.
It would be a few days later, that I saved a bunch of kids and their pet monkey, from a giant monster that tried to eat them…
"No mister, that's Appa!! He's friendly!" A little boy screamed at me. After wailing on the huge ferocious beast one more time, I stopped and looked down at the strange little bald kid.
"Are you retarded or something, kid?"
"How dare you call him that!?" A dark skinned girl chastised me. It's not that I was afraid of her, but that I don't hit girls…anymore… "Appa is Aang's closest friend, and he's like family to all of us!"
"Oh, you swing that way, huh?" The Mohawk kid looked ticked at me and jumped between me and her. Before he tried to attack me unprovoked, a blast of fire struck a nearby rock.
"Listen kids, take your little blind friend with you, and get back onto your weird…family member. I'll take care of this." I acted to protect the little bald retard and his young friends.
"First, apologize to Aang for calling him retarded!"
"Why should I? Anyone who needs an arrow to tell him which way is forward, definitely needs some special attention!"
"That's it!" the little blind girl's voice squeaked, and she used some kind of rock-magic to encase me. Shoving my rarely-captured form onto the saddle, the kids took off on their magically flying Beaver/Bison-saurus.
When we'd next land, I'd take my first lesson in where I was, and what the heck was going on…
…To be continued?
Some notes from the Typewriter
I'm not afraid of you Mister Norris...
...only of what you'll do.