Emo Farm
Disclaimer: do not own Naruto. Or Ultralord. I do love Sheen to pieces though…does that count for anything?
Can I just say I love my reviewers? You motivated me to get up in the middle of the night to type this up…I lost about fifteen minutes of sleep, but it was totally worth it!
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"Dear…brats…this wasn't the worst idea you've had. Maybe…I won't do as many tests on you when I get back. Do not…kill each other…do not…burn down the house…DO NOT touch my shell collection…" Orochimaru wrote to his two protégées, adding as an afterthought, "Don't count on the tests thing. Love…(wait no, I don't love them)…lukewarm handshakes, Orochimaru-sama."
Having sealed and sent off that letter, he sat down to write a new one.
"Dear…Uchiha…Sasuke-kun…"
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Sasuke was pretty surprised. The tacky navy blue envelope screamed EMO FARM: THE EMOEST PLACE ON EARTH! in an offensive shade of orange (hey, like Naruto's outfit) and the sender was Orochimaru, of all people.
The Uchiha flopped onto his bed and began to read the letter out to his wall.
"Dear Uchiha Sasuke-kun, as you can tell from the envelope (unless you've gotten stupider) I'm staying at Emo Farm. I would be delighted to be your tutor if you were willing to come here. I have just changed bodies, and have developed a method that will let me substitute a Kage Bunshin (no more of that nasty body-snatching for me!). This means that for up to three years, I can teach you enough to be able to kill Itachi. Afterwards, you must promise to give me your eyes, so that I can have the sharingan. I can make you pretty new eyes in exchange, in any color you like (seriously, ANY color). Please think it over. Hope to see you soon, Orochimaru."
Sasuke looked to his wall for a response. It remained wisely silent.
"Deep, dude," Sasuke intoned, "They say walls have ears, so why the hell don't they have mouths? What good is listening to something if you can't talk about it?"
The wall withheld its opinion on the matter.
Sasuke snorted, and sat down at his desk to write his reply.
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Harry Potter groped around his bed side table for a smoke. All he found was his limited edition Ultralord lighter. (Now with five different action phrases!)
"Damn," he cursed, and went out to the balcony on the second floor where he slept. He scrutinized the moonlit horizon, where a town's lights sparkled. The verdant grasses of the plains had acquired a pearly sheen. Harry raised his wand and mumbled, "Accio cigarettes!"
A pack of Camel Lights zoomed to him after a few seconds. He lit one hastily and breathed in the cancerous fumes before noticing Orochimaru watching him.
"You could've said hi," Harry observed. The Sannin shrugged. "You surprised me. That jutsu though…what is it?"
"Jutsu?" Harry laughed, "That kung-fu action stuff Itachi does? Nah, this is magic."
"Interesting…" Orochimaru said, a manic glint in his golden eye.
"Are you a demon?"
"What? No! Wait…what do you mean?"
"Your eyes are the same color as Inuyasha's and Sesshoumaru's."
"Those two are demons?" Oro said, inhaling sharply, "That incredible chakra…I assumed they were junchuuriki unskilled at controlling their inner beasts…"
"What?" Harry said, confused.
"You smoke. Its going to kill you, you know."
"Eh. I've been too close to death too many times to be afraid of it," the boy said, remarkably unconcerned, "Besides, what the hell makes my life worth preserving?"
It was a rhetorical question, but Orochimaru felt compelled to say, sarcastically, "Love?"
They both laughed at that. They had both met fools—had been fools who'd thought love was enough to live with.
"I killed him, the evil wizard," Harry said after a minute, "Then I realized my best friend was a ballsless git, my best friendette was a backstabbing whore and my girlfriend was a lying slut. I ran away, naturally. Saw an ad for this place and showed up. Its nice…don't have to worry about any dumbass prophecies here."
He glanced sideways for a reaction.
"What the—hey! Wake up!"
"Wah…oh, m'sorry. What were you saying?" Orochimaru woke up with a start.
"Go back to sleep," Harry said irritably, heading back to his room.
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Hopefully, I can get them all in character properly soon…