The new day comes. Tolkien comes in. He looks tired, since he spent the entire night contemplating the wonder and horror of the movies. He is eating a hobbitish breakfast of mushrooms and tomatoes.
I insert Return of the King. Immediately, Tolkien draws back from the screen as the horrible writhing worm appears. "Interesting way to begin," he observes. It goes through the Smeagol and Deagol story. Tolkien smiles. "This is wonderful. I'm glad it's in here. And the actor looks like Gollum!"
"That's because he is...sort of," I explain. "They distorted his face with computers." Tolkien is slightly mystified but remains silent. Deagol falls in the water and Tolkien grimaces as hair billows, cheeks puff, and bubbles rise.
"Worse than Sam's drowning," he murmurs. "Are the bubbles flowing from his mouth when he sees the ring meant to signify surprise?"
"Of course."
Smeagol kills Deagol as Tolkien watches with much interest. Then Gollum goes through his transformations. "Strange," says Tolkien. "Gollum looks so much worse in his transformations than he turns out at the end."
"True," I agree. "But for some reason they wanted him to look mildly cute at the end."
"Terrible," says Tolkiens. "He was supposed to be hideous." The movie goes to Frodo and Sam. "How fascinating that Sam eats so little, yet loses no weight. I suppose that was too much for the actor."
"I think so. But Frodo in his listless horror covers for both of them in showing how the journey takes a toll on them," I comment.
Tolkien chuckles when Merry and Pippin are found at Isengard. "Very hobbit-like! And finally, they include the palantir! I hoped they would."
In the night, Pippin steals the Palantir. Tolkien thinks it is okay but comments on the complete uselesslness of Merry sitting in a corner chanting "Pippin. Pippin!" to no avail. "Why doesn't he help him?" Tolkien mourns. "It makes them seem not very close. Instead, Aragorn grabs it and convulses for a few seconds!"
Then comes Arwen's vision. "You see," I explain. "They really try to enlarge Liv Tyler's part to add a feminine element."
"I suppose it's alright," Tolkein says. "The vision is quite intriguing. But all this drama of her leaving probably cuts into the rest of the story."
Then comes Pippin and Denethor, "Aaah," goes Tolkien. "Denethor. Quite well done, I must say, though he was slightly less evil in my book."
Then Frodo, Sam, and Gollum come to the stairs. "Mmm, the Dead City," says Tolkien. "Passible, but there was really no need for that green plume of fire."
"The tech people probably enjoyed it," I commented.
Then Pippin lights the beacon and Tolkien enjoys how it shows all the other beacons being lit. "Fascinating," he observes.
Rohan sees the beacon and prepares to ride. The next scene is in Denethor's hall as Denethor commands Faramir to retake Osgiliath. "This part is well done," Tolkien says contentedly. "It really captures Denethor's nature. Pippin didn't have to struggle so hard to say his oath though."
Then it shows Osgiliath. Tolkien winces when he sees the head orc. "Ughh," he says. "His head is like a brain."
It goes to Frodo, Sam, and Gollum. "The stairs are well done," Tolkien comments. Then the hobbits go to bed.
"Aaahh," says Tolkien. "Why are they sleeping on the ledge with their toes hanging over the edge? What if they rolled over in their sleep? I don't think the hobbits would be quite so foolish as to sleep in such a dangerous manner."
"But it looks so dramatic." I protest.
Gollum throws the lembas bread off the edge and Frodo sends Sam away. Tolkien is clearly very upset. "This is horrible," he mourns. "Frodo would have never done this, never. Sam was always his loyal servant. Why would Frodo trust Gollum over Sam?"
"Well, it's supposed to be really great when Sam comes back." I try to explain.
Tolkien shakes his head. "It doesn't work."
Then Pippin begins his song. "Interesting," says Tolkien. "Denethor is eating disgustingly. It really does show his character though." Still, he can't help cringing when the baby tomato burst in Denethor's mouth. "Nice song," he remarks.
The next scene is at the camp of the
Rohirrim. Aragorn and Theoden stand on the extremely high cliff.
"These people really enjoy enormous heights." says Tolkien.
Then
Elrond comes. "This is rather strange." Tolkien observes. "I
never had this. Aragorn's nightshirt is interesting."
Elrond explains that Arwen is dying. " But I never had Arwen dying," says Tolkien. "This is overly dramatic." Then Elrond gives Aragorn Anduril.
"That sword is a bit too long," Tokien remarks. "It looks like it might snap in half."
Then Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go into the Paths of the Dead. "This is well done," Tolkien says. "Legolas's arrow has an interesting fate. I think he would know that he couldn't hurt the ghosts though."
"Well, the tech people just thought it looked cool." I say.
Soon the orcs march to Gondor and the battle begins. "Beware," I warn Tolkien. "Helm's Deep is nothing compared to this. It shall go on forever."
"I might have guessed it." Tolkien murmurs. He watches the battle. But when Pippin and Gandalf have their discussion, he nods. "Very meaningful."
Meanwhile, Sam makes his way down the mountain. He does his slow motion fall. Tolkien cringes, but does not speak. Frodo goes into the tunnel. "Ah, finally," says Tolkien. "Shelob. I have been waiting for this." Shelob appears. "Mmmm," says Tolkien. "Pretty good."
Then Gollum returns. Tolkien remarks that it shows well the last chance Gollum had to become good and how he gave it up. Then Frodo has his Galadriel vision. "Oh, that works quite well," says Tolkien. Shelob bites Frodo and froth appears at his mouth. "Uggh," is Tolkiens only remark.
Then Sam returns. "I like how it shows the light of Elendil." says Tolkien. "Frodo sure looks gruesome enough."
The Rohirrim arrive at Pelenor Fields. "Many of those horses are digital," I remark as horses collapse. Presently, Faramir is almost burned.
"Well, I didn't exactly have Pippin saving him," says Tolkien. "But it seems pretty good." He chuckles as the flaming Denethor falls off the tower.
"I know," I say. "Very dramatic. I wonder where he landed?" Later, Eowyn has her encounter with the WitchKing.
"I'm a little disappointed by his death," says Tolkien. "His spirit was supposed to come shrieking out of him as he burst apart. In this, he looks like there was a vacuum inside him or like someone punched a hole in a blow-up pool!"
Then the battle is won and it shows Frodo and Sam again in the tower. "This is quite good." says Tolkien. Then the Eye looks at Sam and Frodo. Frodo does his terrible slow motion crumple. "Hmmmph," goes Tolkien. "That doesn't seem physically possible, the way he fell. The attributes of the fall reflect that of a linen doll."
Soon, the army is marching to the Black Gate. "Why is there no Mouth of Sauron?" says Tolkien. "He was a good character."
"They cut him," I explain. "Who knows why?"
"Aragorn's hair looks bad in this scene," I mourn as Mordor is emptied of its army and the battle at the Black Gate begins.
Frodo and Sam stagger to the edge of Mount Doom, but it is too much to handle for Frodo and he slips the ring on his finger. "That was well done," observes Tolkien. "The evil smile of Frodo before he puts the ring on is quite perfect." Then Gollum returns and has the fight with the invisible Frodo. Tolkien seems to be enjoying it but then frowns as both Frodo and Gollum fall into Mount Doom.
"This is stupid," said Tolkien. "Gollum was dancing with joy at regaining the ring and that is how he fell. I had none of this Frodo almost falling in too. Hasn't Frodo been through enough already? Why is it not sufficient that Frodo's finger was bitten off and he and Sam escape? MUST he fall in as well and almost die?"
"But it is so dramatic…" I trail off and Tolkien merely gives me a stare. Meanwhile, Mordor crumbles and we return our eyes to the screen.
"Well, this is rather nice," Tolkien admits as Frodo and Sam reminisce about the Shire, but he becomes puzzled as the screen fades to black. "This is where they chose to end it?" he says incredulously, but he has hardly finished the sentence when the movie comes on again. He sighs in relief. "That was slightly strange." Then the eagles rescue Frodo and Sam.
Frodo wakes up in his bed and Gandalf greets him. Tolkien frowns. "This is more than a little uncanny," he observes. "What cause have they to laugh?"
"I haven't the faintest idea," I say. "And the laughs sound rather fake as well. And why is Legolas wearing a suit seemingly made of foil?"
"I know not," says Tolkien. "But I really do like the look on Sam's face when he sees Frodo."
Again it looks like the movie is over, but soon Aragorn's coronation is in full swing. "Uggh, that red turtleneck on Aragorn just doesn't do it for me," I observe.
"Never mind that," says Tolkien. "What I am concerned about is that it never showed anything about the romance between Eowyn and Faramir at all, save one shot where they merely stand beside each other like they are friends. Why couldn't they spare one second to have him put his arm around her or something?"
Once again the movie appears to be finished, but that is not to be! The hobbits are soon back in the Green Dragon. "This is quite good," says Tolkien as Sam rises to meet Rosie and it quickly fades into their wedding.
AGAIN the movie seems to be drawing to a close, but then it shows Frodo finishing his book. ONCE MORE the movie appears to be over, but a new scene begins as Frodo and Bilbo travel to the Elven ship. Tolkien seems slightly agitated. "The journey took about two years in all. Why does Bilbo have an acute case of Alzheimer's?"
"Maybe the movie-makers weren't sure how to make him react to Frodo destroying the ring." I suggested. "So they took the easy way out. Alzheimer's disease."
Soon, they are at the port of the Elven ship. Tolkien points out that he likes Galadriel's last smile, but that Frodo's looks rather forced. Tolkien turns as the movie seemingly ends, but soon discovers that it is once again not over.
"Oh, well, I'm glad they put in my last scene," he concludes as Sam shuts the hobbit door. "It ends on a lighter note." Pretty soon the credits are starting.
"Well?" I question amidst strains of Into the West floating through the room.
"It was interesting," said Tolkien. "And some parts of it were really quite good. It stuck to the plot rather well, but some of the time wasted on extra stuff could have been devoted to things that they missed. But it had its good moments. Is that all? Can I go back where I belong now?"
"Not just yet," I chuckle. "We're going to log into to some of the fan-fiction sites on the Internet. I'm sure you'll be….entertained."