A/N: Finally! It's back! YAY! All of your reviews were seriously amazing! I'm really sorry for the wait. I've been trying really hard to update as soon as I can. It's just not as easy as I thought it would be.

Oh and I will be updating Southern Summer Love next. Watch for it!

One more thing! I accidentally deleted my other story Her and Me because my computer was being psycho, but it's back up and so is chapter two in case you haven't read it. Sorry, but the reviews from chapter 1 of it were deleted along with the story, but that doesn't mean that I didn't read them.

Anyway, here's chapter ten of Judgmental!

xoxox

Gianna

Chapter 10- Mixed Emotions

Fear is something that restricts us from living our lives normally, without being paranoid or afraid when we face it. Our minds exaggerate the consequences when we think about this emotion that causes us to always check our back, and what's the worst thing that could happen with it. Sometimes you can't share that fear with anyone because you're simply afraid of letting others no what's going on. It's almost as if this thing we call fear has us on a leash, tugging you back when you're almost away from it.

But fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time.

This is how I feel now. I'm scared to let others know that I'm living in fear because I want to be stronger. I want to believe that this fear that I still feel will go away. When I went to see my father, I thought that I was done. That I had won. But the truth is I won't win until he is finally in jail for good.

Now, my mother is a different story. I've won already, but I still feel as if I lost. Sometimes, I feel like I wasn't there for her in the way that I should have been. Maybe I could have done something to help her or just be there. I can't help the guilt I feel even though I honestly did nothing wrong. It just remains a part of me. The shame I feel lingers through my mind like the scent of death through a hospital.

Sometimes when I'm asleep at night, or at least trying to sleep, I see my mother's face. You know, before drugs and alcohol came into her life. I remember how beautiful she was, and how I wanted my smile to look exactly like hers. She had a magnetic personality and was always easily liked by all of our neighbors and friends. Her complection had a certain glow to it. The kind that would attract you to her the moment you saw her.

Then, my dream turned into a nightmare. Her beautiful features fade to an emotionless expression. The face of a stoner. The face of shattered dreams. The face of depression. The face of someone who doesn't care if she lives or dies. The face of someone who hears her daughter being thrown against a wall but doesn't acknowledge it. She simply pretends it never happened.

I hate that dream or better yet, that nightmare.

Every night, I sneek into Lucas' room and just sleep with him.

I lean my head against the head board of Lucas' bed while staring at the wall in front of me. My miind is in twenty different places at the exact same time. I'm not really sure if that makes sense, but it's the truth.

"Where's your head at, Peyton?"

Lucas. He understood me when no one else could. It was like he really knew me. This whole time that I had been living with Lucas and his family, I had built this bond with him that could never be broken. Mostly, it contained trust. Trust is both an emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is when you expose your vulnerabilities to people, believing they won't take advantage of you opening up. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating unexpected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both.

"I think a shorter answer would be where isn't my head at?" I say tearing my eyes away from the wall to look at Lucas.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked sitting up in the bed.

"It's just," I hesitated, "I guess I thought that going to see my parents would free me from them, but for some reason I feel... trapped. Almost like I'm never going to escape this feeling."

He looked away for a second and then back at me, as if he was debating on what he was about to say. "To be honest Peyton, I don't think you're ever going to escape it. I'm not saying that to scare you. I'm saying that because I think it's the truth. Who knows though. Perhaps, in time it will fade."

I cover my hands over my face and sigh in frustration. "I just want it to go away. It's scaring the hell out of me."

"You're going to be OK. Do you know why? Because me and Lily and my mom are going to help you get through this. We're here for you, Peyton. Whenever you need to talk."

"Thanks Lucas."

"Anytime," he took in a deep breath and then exhaled, "It's going to be tough, but you are strong."

I nod my head. "I am strong," I say convincing myself.

I got up from his bed and left his room with out another word. Entering my room, I looked at the calendar on the wall with the bright red X's going through the days that had past. I counted the days until the trial, my hands trembling when I realized how close it was. Three weeks exactly.

"You're strong," I say to myself, "You're strong."

Confidence. That's what I needed. The power of believing in myself regardless if it is the right or wrong thing to do. To others, it was a simple task, but to me, it was one of the hardest things that I lacked.

I layed in my own bed, and tried to fall asleep.

NEXT DAY

"Peyton! Hurry up! We're going to be late," Lucas said as he banged against the bathroom door.

"Would you please just give me two minutes?" I asked.

"Yeah, just make it a quick two minutes," he said walking away.

What's taking me so long, you ask? Let's just say I'm a little nervous about going to school, so I'm stalling. Why am I so nervous? I have to face them. All of them. After years of being ignored and years of people forgetting your presence then suddenly all eyes are on you, it's kind of nerve wrecking.

"Come on, Peyton. You need to stop this," I say to myself as I get up to open the bathroom door.

"Ready?" Lucas asks as he sees me.

I nod. "Yes."

The day went by as it always had. Different day, same shit. Staring, pointing, rumors, mumbling, you name it. It was getting annoying at this point. Didn't they have anything better to talk about besides Lucas and I? It was getting kind of old.

"So, Peyton how's your mom?" I turn to see her. As usual, Brooke Davis. She covered her mouth, pretending as if she didn't mean to say it. "Oh, sorry. She's dead isn't she. Must have slipped my mind."

I turn away from her and continue walking. "Just ignore it, Peyton. She'll stop eventually." I thought.

"Aw, what's the matter? Did I hurt your feelings?" Brooke says spitefully.

I stop and turn toward her. I have to do this. I need the confidence. I open my mouth to speak, but then close it again. What am I doing? I can't be that way.

I take a deep breath and turn back around giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I didn't want to start a fight. Not like last time. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall to their level. To my father's level. I was better than that. The darkness doesn't have any answers.

When we got home later that day, I walked straight into Lucas' room as usual. We would take out our books, do some homework, talk, and sometimes just sit in silence.

"Did something happen today?" Lucas asked.

He could read me like a book. From a fake smile to a pained expression, he always knew something was bothering me.

"Yeah. Just Brooke being a bitch again."

"You didn't hit her, did you?" he asked almost cautiously.

"No. I did not hit her," I say with somewhat of a smile.

Lucas laughed and jumped on the bed next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder while picking me chin up. Lucas caught me off guard as soon as he did that.

He looked deep into my eyes, almost as if he is searching for something that I had hidden. My eyes remain glued to his due to the fact that I couldn't look away, even if I wanted to. Lucas licked his lips causing me to look at them. My heart started to race when he leaned toward me. I finally realized what he was doing; Lucas wanted to kiss me. I wasn't saying anything, but inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs. His strong hands cupped my cheek as I slowly let my eyes drop. I felt his lips gently brush against mine, barely even touching. It was like an electric switch was flicked on, and it surged through my entire body. Since I didn't pull away, he pressed his lips a little harder against mine, but it still remained soft. I felt like all the fears that I was recently feeling finally slipped away.

The moment was over too soon when I heard the front door open. I quickly pulled back and jumped off of his bed. He looked away with embarrassment.

"Lucas? Peyton? I'm home!" Karen called.

Lucas looked up at me. "We're in my room mom!"

I look down at the floor as I hear the noise of Karen's heels tapping against the hardwood floor.

"I have good news!" Karen says with much excitment. I lift my head up from the ground, suddenly curious.

"Your father is finally coming back home."

Lucas smiled widely. "When? Today?"

"Tomorrow night. His business trip will finally be over. We can finally be a family again." Karen turned toward me, her face switching to a concerned look. "Peyton? You ok?"

I nod my head. "Yeah. Yeah I'm fine."

Lucas' father. I had never met him. I wondered if he even knew that I was staying here.

"Ok. Well, dinner will be ready in a half hour," she said exiting Lucas' room.

I glanced over at Lucas who was playing with his hands. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him. Was there a wrong or right thing to say? Was there something specific or something that was assigned that I was supposed to say? Honestly, before Lucas kissed me I had only thought of him as a friend. Now, my whole point of view seems to have switched from friendship mode to relationship mode.

"I'm sorry, Peyton." Lucas apologized.

"For what?" I asked. What was he so sorry for? I was happy that he kissed me.

"For kissing you." He looked away from me almost embarrassed.

"And why would you be sorry?" I asked.

He looked almost relieved when I said that. "I..umm..I just thought that would make things weird between us."

I shook my head. "No. It's ok."

I walked out of his room not waiting for him to reply. I strolled down the hallway accidently running into Lily.

"Woah. In a hurry to get somewhere?" She asked pulling herself away from me.

"No. Why?" I asked.

"Well, maybe because you just ran into me." She stared at me with a puzzled look across her face. "You Ok? You seem like something is on your mind."

Was it really that obvious? I didn't think it was, but apparently I wasn't very subtle.

"Nope, I'm good," I said as I began to walk away, but I felt her grab my arm and jerk me back toward her.

"Oh, no you don't. You're not telling me something," Lily said with a suspicious smile spreading widely across her face.

"Why would you say that?" I ask nervously.

"Because, you have THE look," she says while putting a lot of emphasis on the word 'the'.

"What's THE look?"

"You know, the kind where you're hiding something." She paused for a few seconds. "Spill, Peyton Sawyer!" she whispered loudly.

"I'm not hiding anything."

"Oh, don't give me that. Just tell me," she pleads.

I open my mouth to talk, but then close it. "It's stupid. It's nothing."

"Peyton! Come on. It's not like you were kissing Lucas or something," she says as a joke,

My face falls a little, giving away what was on my mind.

She looked at me almost stunned. No, I'd say shocked was a better word to describe the look she was giving me. "No way! Seriously?"

I nod my head, and she laughs a little. "Why is that funny?"

"Because I said it as a joke, and I was right."

I look at her with a somewhat annoyed expression.

"Oh, sorry." She apologizes. "Peyton, it's OK. You're acting like I'm going to bite your head off."

"Well, I wasn't sure if you would be mad or what," I say.

"Why would I be mad? I think you two are adorable," she says placing a hand over her heart to be more dramatic. She grabs my hand and pulls me into her bedroom. "OK. So give me some details. But don't be too descriptive because that's my brother." She made a disgusted face, but then smiled again.

I laughed a little.

I wasn't sure what really happened between Lucas and I. Let's just say, I have no dating experience, so I didn't know where we stood. Did it mean we were dating? Was it just spur of the moment?

The last thing I wanted was for it to be awkward between Lucas and I. He was someone I could depend on, and if it was weird being around him, then it wouldn't be the same.

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