"Well, Rachel hasn't seen her," Darcy said airily as she stepped back into the room. "Do you remember when we lost her?"
Hermione thought for a few moments. "I believe it was after we started arguing, but before it, well, turned violent. Look, I'm sorry, I don't usually…"
"Have to share your boys with another girl?" Darcy teased.
"Well, I hardly think it was because of…" She trailed off as she realized that Darcy was right. "Good lord, I never thought I would ever act so, so…girly." Hermione shuddered, disgusted with herself. She'd always believed herself above such behavior.
"What, did you demand that a certain someone send you flowers?" Darcy asked with a smirk.
"I mean girly! The slapping, the hair-pulling and name-calling, um, and I believe there may also have been an attempt to scratch your eyes out."
Darcy chuckled. "That's okay, you know. You have just as much right to be a hormonal time bomb as anyone else."
Hermione grinned weakly. "Why doesn't that make me feel any better?"
Darcy shrugged. "Dunno, probably for about the same reason it's never made me feel any better when my mom says it to me."
"That does explain why it sounded a bit rehearsed. Hmm, and I suppose that, even if it's true, it's not very reassuring to be told that sometimes you can't stop your hormones from overriding your brain," Hermione contemplated.
"Ooooh, speaking of hormones overriding your brain, could you believe Ron?"
The need to find Leah long forgotten, Hermione and Darcy spent the rest of the afternoon talking and giggling about boys.
After what felt like an eternity, Severus pulled back from Rachel for a few deep breaths. As his head began to clear, the panic set in.
What the hell was he doing?! He'd not yet sorted out his feelings. He was attracted to her, more than a bit interested in her, surely, but was he prepared to allow her into his life? His heart? After all, his life was dangerous. Would a relationship with him be fair for her? Would being involved with him put her in danger? And was a relationship what she truly even wanted?
Rachel, incidentally, was doing little better. Once her brain started to unscramble, her thoughts mirrored Severus' quite closely. She knew they needed to talk, and she had every intention of initiating it…for about two seconds.
Then, she chickened out. "So, yeah…the…um…meeting. We should be getting to that. They're probably waiting for us."
But as she said it, she could see Severus starting to shut down. As he crossed his arms defensively, Rachel found a bit of her courage. Hoping to reassure them both, she covered both of his hands with hers, kissed him softly, and whispered, "I think we need to talk about this, but later, when there are no pending interruptions."
A moment later, she pulled back and smiled wryly. "And hopefully after the blind panic passes."
That statement earned her a brief smile. Lowering his head so that their faces were no more than an inch apart, he drawled, "In that case, do you believe the Christmas holidays would be too soon?"
"You know, you weren't kidding, Severus," Rachel said as she rested her forehead against his. "You are ever the comedian."
She felt, rather than saw, his smile. "We really should go, Rachel."
Feeling an absurd thrill at the way her name sounded when it was spoken in his smooth, silky voice, Rachel nodded and allowed Severus to lead her out of the room.
Not half an hour later, Severus wished he and Rachel had never left that room. The entire purpose of the afternoon's important meeting was to decide whether or not to tell the Order about the existence of the Garou at the real meeting that would be held that evening, after a ridiculous number of witches and wizards retrieved Potter.
It had taken Rachel and her packmates less than ten minutes of discussion to decide that it would be fine with them, at which time Albus said, "Excellent! It is unfortunate that I must miss this evening's meeting, but I leave this in your capable hands." Then he turned to go, as he needed to get to another appointment, but he turned back once more.
"One more thing. Under no circumstances are any of you to breathe a word of this to Mr. Potter or Miss Granger. It is not their concern," then he nodded once, and left quickly, undoubtedly having seen that both Rachel and Pascale looked prepared to argue the point.
Severus had thought that would be the end, but someone thought the matter required more discussion.
Molly Weasley was not kin to the Garou, but Arthur had told her, along with their children, what he knew of them. And she'd apparently learned more in the past few weeks. For example, she'd learned that a young Garou's first change usually occurred between the ages of twelve and sixteen, unless, like John, the Garou was born a wolf. He'd been two years old when he'd first changed, and strictly speaking was currently only eight.
Not surprisingly, she'd been quite upset to learn that a 'cub' often had only a year or two to learn about what she was and how to fight before she was sent out on a quest of sorts, called the Rite of Passage, to prove herself. If the cub completed this quest, she was considered an adult, regardless of actual age.
At any rate, Molly thought that a horrifying practice, and more or less wanted millennia of Garou tradition justified to her, but Rachel had told her in no uncertain terms that Garou society was none of Molly's concern.
And Severus thought that was when things went south, but as that had been when he'd stopped paying attention, he could not be certain. Instead, he chose to use the time to study Rachel's packmates, as he had no desire to listen to any more of Molly's over-protective maternal rambling.
Pascale sat almost indecently close to Black; he was gratified that their hands, at least, were visible, but neither appeared to be paying much attention to the 'meeting'.
John was much as Rachel had described him. Slouched against the wall, he was the very picture of the California stereotype. Sandy blonde hair partially obscured his blue-gray eyes and what Rachel called 'male model looks', but the ill-fitting clothing he wore could not hide his powerful build. And, he'd apparently had as much of the meeting as he could stand, Severus noted, watching as John slid down to the floor, shifted to lupus, and curled up in a ball. Lucky bastard...
Aton was another thing altogether. Though slight of build and plain of face, he simply radiated power, and something in his gaze was just…otherworldly. He had the look of a man who had discovered the answers to several of life's mysteries, but had not been overwhelmed by what he'd learned. He knew that look, Albus wore it occasionally. Overall, Aton was easily the most unassuming as well as the most intimidating of the lot.
"No!" Molly shouted, calling Severus' attention back to the meeting. "That is simply unacceptable, no one in the Order will accept your half-truths, nor shall we appreciate being told that it was none of our business!"
"Well, you do make a good point there, Molly," Pascale conceded, and Molly smiled in response. But then, Pascale narrowed her eyes. "I suggest that anyone who's got a problem with it just go ask Harry Potter for advice about how to deal, as he should know just how they feel. Oh, except, of course, that the loop he's being kept out of actually is his business."
"He's still a child," Molly hissed, furious with the turn in the conversation.
At that point, Pascale slammed her hand down on the table and the room went silent. "So you think! That don't make it true. Teenagers ain't kids, and treating them like they are is just stupid! It's one thing to set rules or whatever, it's totally another thing to try to control every aspect of their lives! You gotta trust that they're grown up enough to make their own decisions. Trying to control them, or to withhold information from them… God, that just lets 'em know that you don't trust them. And, if that's the message you convey, believe me when I say they'll make the stupidest decisions a person could possibly make!"
By the time Pascale stopped talking, she was seething, Rage and frustration coming off her in waves. Her last sentence had been little more than a growl. Apparently, Molly had hit quite a nerve. Severus glanced at Rachel, who looked very worried.
Pascale pushed herself away from the table and strode to the far corner of the room, bracing her hands against the wall as if to direct her energy into it, and began to breathe deeply. Severus hypothesized that Pascale was attempting to gain control of herself. Sure enough, after about half a minute, the tension in her frame subsided slightly.
Apparently deciding that Pascale was going to be alright, and that silence had reigned long enough, Rachel spoke up. "Look, none of this has had anything to do with the topic at hand," she said calmly. "What we choose to tell the Order simply isn't your decision. You were here to answer our questions, not vice versa. This meeting was called only for the benefit of this pack, so that we could decide whether or not to trust the Order with the knowledge that the Garou exist. We did not and will not agree to provide you, or anyone else, with any information you do not require. That's it, get over it, end of discussion. In fact, end of meeting."
She rose from her chair and walked over to Pascale, easing an arm around the taller woman's shoulders. In the shocked silence of the room, her whispered words were quite audible. "Paz, honey. Let's get you out of here, okay?"
Pascale nodded once, pushed herself away from the wall, and from Rachel, and all but ran from the room. Rachel, Aton, and John, who was still a great big wolf, all followed more slowly behind her.
"Well, I believe that answered a few of your questions, Molly. I certainly hope you're satisfied." It wasn't often that Severus could claim the moral high ground, but he was petty enough to relish it when he could.
"What are you nattering on about, Snivellus?"
Ignoring Black, Severus continued, "Molly, you were upset by the idea that children could be required to risk their lives fighting evil because of a simple accident of birth. It is certainly understandable, as it stems from your worry about your own children, and Potter as well. However, that comparison is as unfair as it is inaccurate. Your children, Potter, Granger, they are all human. Garou, quite simply, are not. If Pascale had truly lost her temper just now, she could have killed you before you'd the time to blink, let alone to draw your wand. They are quite powerful; they have great physical strength and speed due to their Rage, their inner beast, if you will."
He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts, and then continued. "You need to understand, Molly, that the beast is there at all times. You may not always be able to see it, but Rachel put it like this once, 'within every Garou is a primal, bestial warrior, eager to rend her foes limb from limb, and howl in victory over their broken, bloody corpses.' At any rate, they go into the fight as young as they do because the Rage has to be channeled somewhere productive, or they could become dangerous to everyone, themselves included."
"Why didn't she just say that?" Molly asked weakly.
"She did, more or less," Sirius replied quietly. "You just didn't want to hear it, Molly."
He was careful not to allow it to show, but Severus felt more than a bit uncomfortable that he and Black were on the same side of an argument. Rather than stay and dwell on it, he excused himself and swept out of the room.
He wanted nothing more than to collect Rachel and get the hell out of the house. He heard a series of dull thuds coming from the direction of the lounge, but he chose to postpone his investigation when he heard voices, one of which was familiar, coming from the dining room. He crept closer and heard Rachel say, "No, I understand, agree even. But I gotta go. I'll be back tonight for the real meeting. You'll help John take care of Pascale, yeah?"
"Of course, Rachel," replied a strongly accented voice that Severus didn't recognize, but deduced was Aton's. "But…"
But Rachel cut him off with a quick, "Yeah, cool. Bye."
As footsteps rapidly approached the door, Severus backed off a bit, waiting for her a ways down the hall.
When Rachel emerged, her face looked a bit pinched, like she was trying not to cry and barely succeeding. When she looked up and saw him waiting for her, Severus saw that her eyes did indeed look suspiciously bright.
"What did you hear?"
"Only that you had to leave, but would be back tonight," he replied carefully. "So, where are we going?"
Rachel shot him a grateful smile. "Um, can we just wander?"
"If you like." Severus motioned for her to precede him out of the house, so he could lock up behind them.
Though he had outwardly agreed to wander, Severus could not bear the idea of walking without at least a destination in mind, so he began leading Rachel toward the nearby Leaky Cauldron. And in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, he took her hand once they were safely out of view of the house. He hoped that she would require no further prodding to tell him what was wrong. After several minutes of silence, however, he resigned himself to the fact that something more would be necessary.
As such, he spent the next few minutes trying to come up with something to say. He decided firmly against asking her if she was alright. She clearly was not, and there were few things he detested more than stupid questions. And yet asking he what was wrong seemed somehow presumptuous. Dammit, this was one of many reasons that relationships always seemed more trouble than they were worth. But then he looked at her.
With her shoulders slumped and head bowed, she seemed the very picture of defeat. When she really wanted to, Rachel could produce an emotionless mask to rival his own. It twisted his gut to know that she trusted him enough to let her guard down. It was not a comfortable feeling, but he realized that he did not wish it to go away, and might possibly fight to hold on to it. And so, he admitted to himself, he had no choice to make – his rusty, bruised old heart had already let her in. And so, he told himself, he'd damned well better say something…
"Will you be alright, Rachel?"
She squeezed his hand tight for a moment and looked up at him, eyes bright with unshed tears. "I…I don't know," she said in a tiny, shaky voice, terror creeping into her eyes. In the time he'd known her, Rachel had never been without the answer to a question or without a solution to a problem. She had, in fact, been totally, perhaps even obsessively, over-prepared. But at the moment, she had a problem, whatever it was, that she did not know if she could solve. And, now that he had an idea of how much she'd been repressing of late, he was afraid that she had to be dangerously close to going completely round the twist. But as luck would have it, the Leaky Cauldron was only a few more blocks away.
"Can you hold on for just a few more minutes?"
She closed her eyes and took a deep, if shaky, breath. She nodded once, sharply, and tightened her grip on his hand a bit more.
Severus hurried them along, and soon he was guiding Rachel to a booth and getting her settled. "I promise to be right back."
Rachel nodded and let go of his hand. She flashed him a grateful, if quite wan, smile and slumped back in the booth.
After a brief conversation with Tom, Severus led Rachel toward their newly procured room. He'd worry about the inevitable gossip later, but for the moment his sole concern was getting her to a soundproofed area so that she could break down, but keep her dignity intact.
He led her into room #10, sat her down on the bed and Imperturbed the room. Almost the very moment he performed the charm, Rachel bowed her head and began to sob. Unsure of how to handle the situation, Severus gingerly sat beside her and began to rub her back awkwardly. She swiftly turned and buried her head in his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck. She clung to him as though her very life hung in the balance, her sobs growing in volume and intensity until her entire body was shaking violently and he feared there could be permanent damage to his hearing. Force of will alone stopped him from defensively cradling his ears.
Severus wrapped his own arms around her slight frame and laid down, pulling her unresisting form along. As her tears soaked through his shirt, he finally allowed himself to wonder what horror could have befallen her in the few minutes he'd left her alone.
About the time he was developing a crick from her stranglehold on his neck, Rachel's sobs began to taper off, her grip round his neck loosened, and her breathing began to even out. Once he was certain she was asleep, Severus carefully disentangled himself and covered her with a light blanket.
He half thought to contact Pascale and ask for her assistance, as she was familiar with Rachel's issues. But somehow, he didn't think she'd be much of a soothing influence. But there had to be someone, someone better equipped to deal with emotionally distraught women. His own talents, after all, generally leant more toward causing emotional distress than with alleviating it.
Severus ran a hand through Rachel's hair, wondering again how exactly he'd become so tangled in another's life. At the contact, Rachel emitted a contented sigh and snuggled closer, and he realized that it didn't matter. Who was he to question life's strange decision to throw some happiness his way? When she awoke, he'd do the best he could, and that would damn well have to be adequate.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You challenged her for alpha? After I said you should hold off?!" Pascale seethed, unable to believe what she'd heard.
"It wasn't your choice, and I didn't even get that far. I simply expressed my concerns – she just guessed where I was going and ran with it, like you know she tends to do. I didn't have to challenge her; she thought I was right. Really, I don't know why you're so upset," Aton explained.
"'Cause sometimes I think everyone's an idiot but me!!" Pascale shouted back.
"Filth! Scum! Mudbloods, monsters, freaks, begone from the house of my fathers…"
"John," Pascale began in a deceptively calm voice, "would you mind terribly getting rid of that damn thing now instead of tomorrow?"
John, who'd been lying curled up in the next room, shifted to homid, picked up the nearby crate of supplies, and scampered, shooting Aton a sympathetic glance on his way out.
"Look, Rachel seemed fine; what are you so worried about?" Aton asked calmly.
Pascale narrowed her eyes, but realized that he really had no idea and her fury dissipated. "Aton, Rachel's carefully constructed world has been steadily unraveling and you just gave the last thread, you know, the one she was hangin' on by, a good, sharp yank. I just hope no one gets hurt."
Silence reigned for a good minute or so while Aton considered Pascale's words, but then the high pitched buzz of a power saw and the shrieks of Mrs. Black rang out through the house. The panicked shrieks grew louder for a few minutes, then the saw abruptly stopped, and there was a loud 'thwap' as the painting hit the floor; the carpet caused the shrieks to be muffled considerably.
Pascale grinned. "Look, we can talk more about this later; I've a chorus to lead right now."
She swept out of the room. Aton sat at the table, slightly dazed; he appeared unsure of what, exactly, he'd done wrong, but certain he'd be paying for it for the foreseeable future.
Severus opened his eyes, and was confused by his discovery that Rachel was not where she'd been when he'd momentarily shut his eyes. As his mind cleared, he realized that he must have fallen asleep, and at some point had rolled onto her back and wound a hand into his hair. He gently untangled her fingers from his hair and gently eased her arm down so he could look at her watch. He was unable to suppress a gasp. Assuming Rachel's watch was working properly, it was half past three – they'd slept for nearly four hours.
As he stared blankly at the time, Rachel began to stir. Severus shifted to his side to better watch as she awoke, but kept hold of her hand. When she raised her other hand to rub her eyes, he began to gently kiss her knuckles.
She smiled and made a soft, contented noise that Severus struggled not to find adorable. She raised her head, contentment in her eyes as she watched him kiss her hand. After a few moments of comfortable silence, Rachel pulled her hand out of his grasp to stroke his face. "Thank you," she said earnestly.
She appeared to struggle to find the words to express the scope of what she was feeling as she continued, in a most distracting manner, to map out the planes and lines of his face with her fingertips. Finally, she leant forward and softly brushed her lips against his, and whispered, almost reverently, "Thank you," as she pulled back.
"You are quite welcome." Severus paused for a few moments. "Can you talk about it yet?"
Rachel nodded and pushed herself upright, sat against the headboard and pulled her knees to her chest. "Not…well, not excited about it, but I think I need to. I'm told I repress too much. Mmm…" she groaned, leaning her head back. "I feel like I slept all day."
"You did sleep for several hours of it, at any rate. But we've two hours before we need to head back."
Rachel's head dropped to her chest, and she took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm not alpha any more."
Well, Severus thought, that certainly explained the breakdown. He wanted to ask a thousand questions, but managed to restrain himself. "What?"
"Yeah." She shrugged, "You know, sometimes I really envy Darcy."
It was certainly not what he expected her to say, but chose not to attempt to push her back on topic. "Indeed? How so?"
"I dunno. She's just…good at accepting what life dishes out. Something awful can happen or someone can say hurtful things to her, and, okay, well first she'll get mad. But, within minutes she's okay with it, looking for why it needed to happen, placing it in the grand scheme of her life and moving on, happy and carefree again."
"Perhaps, in her, you see what you might have been had the darkness not touched you," Severus reasoned.
"Nah," Rachel said with a wry grin. "I'd be more like Leah. Darcy's like no one else. She's just so joyful, exuberant. And, okay, often devious and manipulative, but not in an evil way…as far as I know. Anyway, I don't think I've ever met anyone else who was so alive, vibrant. I think, maybe, in her I see what I wish I could be. Even before the Change, before the darkness, I was serious, studious. I had a lot of friends, I wasn't unhappy, but I was never truly excited to be alive."
Severus could certainly relate to her sentiments. When had life ever excited him? When had he ever felt grateful for his existence? Until very recently, he'd surely have said 'Never' and been quite honest.
"Pascale's a little like her, you know, but there's darkness and pain within Pascale that I hope Darcy never has to experience. And I sincerely hope Darcy never turns into a raging sex-addict like Pascale. I pray that Darcy's lust remains focused on life."
Rachel was quiet for a few moments as she stared, unseeing, at her hands. "You know, I had hoped she'd slow down a little after she hit thirty, but…"
"Pascale?" Severus interrupted, shocked.
"Oh, that she's thirty? I know, shock, shock. There are actually ways that she's matured, but I think she equates growing up with dying."
"I suppose I didn't think any of your packmates would be so much older than you."
"Oh, well, Aton's twenty-eight. He and Pascale were in a pack together for years before John or I showed up. Aton was alpha before…stuff happened. Stuff I'm nowhere near ready to talk about. But after, I challenged for alpha, got it, and never looked back, until very recently. And I get it, you know, why it's not my pack any longer. I'm doing my 'lone wolf' thing, as Aton pointed out. I haven't even contacted our Totem spirit for guidance or anything; I'm just not thinking like an alpha any more. I didn't want to wait to be challenged, so I just ceded leadership to Aton. I only hope they still consider me to be part of the pack. And could I get any more pathetic?"
Severus simply arched an eyebrow. "Rubbish. I could never be quite so fascinated by or drawn to a pathetic woman. I am not, after all, attracted to you merely because of your beauty. Your logic, therefore, is flawed. I suppose I could grant you self-pitying, but as I've no wish to be called a hypocrite, I am unlikely to criticize."
Rachel smiled broadly and turned to envelop him in a hug, running her fingers through his hair. For the first time in many long years, Severus felt truly cared for. A lesser man might have wept for joy, but he managed to restrain himself. Instead, he smiled and buried his face in Rachel's silky hair, inhaling deeply the scent of jasmine and honey. His bliss was broken when Rachel chuckled.
"Not laughing at you," she said quickly. "I was just thinking about the stories I heard about you and various warnings I received. But not once was I told that you could offer up God-like compliments that could make a girl's insides go all gooey. And I was thinking that I could correct the oversight…" Rachel snickered a bit, but got herself back in enough control to finish her thought., "but I don't think Ron would survive the shock."
And she burst out laughing.
As he pictured Mr. Weasley's likely reaction to such news, he found himself unable to hold back an evil grin. Severus' laughter soon joined Rachel's.
A/N: Yes, I'm lame. I haven't updated anything in forever. I have one more chapter to post after this, then it might be a while again, since I now have a two month old son to look after. Cutest baby ever, swear to God. And no, I'm not biased! Hehe.
Read & review please!