AN: Sorry it's taken me sooooo long to update!! You know that writer's block you get? Well, I reread my story yesterday, and just started writing, and went nowhere in particular. I didn't mean for this to happen!! It just did!! Tell me if you think I should scrap it! Love, Moi
Rose waked on clouds after Sirius had kissed her. For the first time in her life, the teachers' words went through her ears without making a stop in her brain. Notes were taken (but with half-finished sentences) meals were eaten (but she only did ever take a bite of each thing, filling her mouth instead with words for Sirius) and dreams were had, (but they were daydreams now). She and Sirius took walks by the lake every day, holding hands and strolling, and he would flirt with her, (though not shamelessly) and she would shyly comment back. They would have "study dates" all the time, and come back without any of their homework finished. They disappeared for mysterious purposes for extended periods of time, and they always looked a bit high on each other when they came back.
Soon, Lily began to notice how little she saw of her friend anymore. She tried to shake it off. But the more she observed, the more impartially she came to the conclusion that Rose was getting lost. She was by no means jealous- she had James, and understood the same sweet bliss that Rose was feeling right now. But she began to be worried. Rose was doing something dangerous- investing her entire self in another person. She would never deny Rose the happiness of being with and caring for Sirius- but she was beginning to exist for Sirius' sake alone, and that tugged at Lily. All of this she contemplated while absently brushing her teeth. How could she tell this to Rose?
Rose absentmindedly hummed as she brushed her hair. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed, waiting for Lily to finish brushing her teeth so they could go to bed. Rose tugged on a curl, twisting it around her finger, then unraveling it. Twisting it, then unraveling it. Twisting it, then unraveling it. Twisting it then-
"Rose, you have got to snap out of it!" Lily said seriously, plopping down next to her on the mattress.
"Hmm?" Rose said, breaking out of her trance.
"You've become a dream machine! Come back to the ground! I need you here! We, (she corrected) need you here." Rose looked thoughtful for several moments.
"Have I been that absent?" she asked, looking guilty, and ashamed, and anxious.
"Almost," Lily said regretting that she had to bring it up at all. "Rose, getting your NEWTs is incredibly important. You're very smart, of course, but- well, -I don't know how to say it gracefully," Lily sighed in earnest exasperation.
"What is it? Just tell me," Rose said, placing her hand over Lily's.
"Because- your NEWTs are doubly important because- well- because you can't remember anything. Your only connections are here, at Hogwarts, but when school is done-"
"I'll have to leave," Rose interrupted. Her expression was that of dawning comprehension- the true gravity of her situation was beginning to kick in. Her life here at school was no game. It determined how she would live her life, with or without her memory. How foolish she had been! When she first came here, she feared to leave. Now, it seemed as if the thought of leaving had never entered her head! Without and certified education, what doors were open for her? What opportunity was there for her to live, and be free and independent?
She truly cared for Sirius, ("and that won't stop," she muttered to herself) but it was as if she had stopped existing for his sake. He did not demand what she gave him- but nevertheless she gave it involuntarily, and knew it would be hard to stop. She would have to contemplate how best to withdraw a bit. She still wanted to be Sirius' girlfriend, without a question. But she suddenly felt so stupid- how she must have looked, following him around like she did, agreeing with everything he said and thinking the moon rested in his hands.
"Thank you, Lily," she said, her expression blank, but hurt. She turned to face her friend. "I really needed that."
Lily leaned over and embraced her dearest friend.
"I just don't want you to lose yourself," Lily whispered.
"I won't. I promise."
Rose was in a field. She knew this field, but it was different. Not quite the same. She stood, stock still, for several minutes, but then she began to dance. Very slowly at first, but then a very little bit faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, and faster and - there was a cliff. Above it hovered Sirius. Rose stpped dancing. Sirius descended. He was now standing on the very edge of the cliff.
James suddenly appeared several feet to Sirius' right. And then Remus. And Lily beside Remus, and McGonagall beside her and then Flitwick and Hagrid and Rosmerta and Dumbledore and dozens of other people she knew. And then a few she knew only vaguely, as if within another dream. A woman with pink hair, and a tall black man, and a man with a wooden leg and half a nose and mismatched eyes , and many others. People who looked old enough to be her schoolmates- two girls who looked exactly alike with long and dark flowing hair, and a boy holding a toad, and a girl with glasses and pimples.
And Harry was suddenly there. And then Ron.
On Sirius' left, countless people began to materialize, going on for miles and miles. Rose knew some of them. Many she did not know. But they all stared at her. She ran again, towards Sirius, but saw someone else fade into the scene, next to Ron. It was Hermione. Rose paused. Hermione was looking at her; not like the others, either. It was a more intense look. A more pointed look.
Rose hesitated. She suddenly felt torn to turn and run the other way.
She looked down. Between her and Sirius there was a thin, gold line. She looked into Sirius' hopeful, grey eyes and saw him reach a hand out to her. She slowly reached toward him, but whenever her fingers passed the line, her eyes clacked out, and she felt cold and didn't feel whole again until she retracted her hand. She saw Sirius was beginning to cry. Oh, she couldn't take it anymore! She thrust her hand into his. She didn't fade. Everyone who stood on either of Sirius' sides now disappeared. Rose felt her heart rip in two, her love shatter, and her own self be torn apart.
Rose awoke clawing at her hair. She was drenched in sweat, her nightgown plastered to her body. I destroyed them, I destroyed them, was the only thought in her head, over and over. Her heart was racing and her blood was pounding and she couldn't hear anything but the shaking of her frantic, tortured breathing. Her legs were trembling so that she could barely stumble into the bathroom. She soaked herself with the water, fumbling around miserably with the faucet, shaken and disturbed as she was. She felt sick. Not just physically, but with herself.
"It was just a dream!" she choked, trying to make herself believe it. But it was much more than "just a dream". She knew that. Her dreams were always more than "just dreams". She knelt over the side of the bathtub just in time to throw up. Her quivering body collapsed to the floor. Rose lay there, shaking and sobbing, praying she wouldn't wake up Lily. Several minutes passed, panting and weeping there on the floor. Slowly, she pushed herself onto her elbows. Her body was at a mere tremor now. She somehow managed to lift herself onto her feet. She wiped her rancid mouth on a towel, and guided herself back into the dormitory.
She carefully opened the door and began to walk down the hallway to the stairs, leaning heavily on the walls the entire time. She eased her way down the stairs, (relying on the railing not to fall) and entered the common room, grasping the furniture for support. She finally reached the stairs for the boys dorms, and made the tiresome trek up them. She fumbled down the hallway, finally reaching the room that had the plaque on it that read "7th Years". She opened it and entered.
Squinting into the darkness, she scanned the ends of what she made out to be beds, and her eyes at last rested on a trunk with a silver "SB" printed upon it, along with a crest (which looked as if someone had tried their very best to remove it, but to no avail). She pulled back the hangings and sucked in her breath. She suddenly felt nauseous again. She couldn't believe she was about to do this.
But I must, she said to herself with determination. She poked his arm tentatively. "Sirius," she whispered hoarsely.
She shook his arm now, with more resolve than before. He rolled over and rubbed his eyes. When he saw here, he spoke confusedly.
"I'm always happy to see you, love, but at night I must admit I prefer it to be in my dreams."
"Sirius, this isn't funny. I can guarantee you're not going to like my reason for coming here."
This roused his attention. Leaning up on one arm he asked her
"No one's hurt, are they? There hasn't been an attack? Rose!" (he said, now getting a good look at her for the first time) "you look bloody awful! Are you okay?!" Rose felt her knees weaken. She lowered herself onto her knees and knelt beside the bed.
"I'm as fine as can be expected of me. No, nobody's hurt as far as I know. But… Sirius, I care about you-"
"Why shouldn't I like that? I care for you too, Rose," he said with feeling.
"I'm only more sorry it has to be like this, then," she murmured quietly, tears now threatening to burst through the floodgate.
"Has to be like what?" he asked, more sharply than he intended.
"I'm breaking up with you." She said this looking straight into his eyes, though her quiet voice wavered. He stared at her.
"Look, Rose, this better not be some bloody ha-ha joke. I'm serious about you. More serious about anyone than I've ever been." Rose had to smile.
"Aren't you - always… Sirius?" here breathing got caught between words. She reached a hand up to her throat, her breath slowing and becoming more difficult. Her face contorted in pain. She suddenly clutched her side.
"Rose?" Sirius said, his voice an urgent mixture of concern, wonder, and of hurt. Rose keeled over.
"Rose!" Sirius exclaimed. There were some groanings.
"I know you love her, mate, but I'm ruddy well asleep!" James called out grumpily. Sirius didn't answer. He pulled his dressing gown on quickly, and lifted an unconscious Rose over his shoulder, wrenching the door open. He flew down the stairs as quickly as he could without falling and was out the portrait hole. His bare feet slapped against the flagstone.
"Rose- are - you breathing?" he panted. She responded by choking out a strangled noise of pain.
"Oh, Merlin- Rose!" he gasped out in anguish. She had to be okay. She just had to. "Rose! Just- a bit- longer. We're gonna - make - it!" Sirius assured her. He spoke endearingly to her the entire way to the Hospital Wing.
"Rose- I need- you. You're gonna- gonna be alright. You have- have to be. Please," he told her, for the first time pleading with her.
"Rose - I need - you," he said again, urgently. "You're - You're gonna be- gonna be- alright. Do- you - hear me? Gonna - be - all -right!" He felt as if these words were wrenched from his chest. He hadn't thought about his own agony the entire way, but now couldn't ignore it. He burst into the Hospital Wing. He laid Rose gently on a bed, and immediately jogged as quickly as he could over to Madam Ringgold's door.
"Ma'a-m Ring-old!" he shouted incoherently as he banged on the door with both his fists. "Mad-em Ring-gold!" he shouted again, when the door opened suddenly to reveal Madam Ringgold in her dressing gown, looking startled and disgruntled.
"Mr. Black! What on Earth-" she began, before she noticed Sirius' frantic gestures to one of the hospital beds. She saw on it a shape that had not been there before, and immediately bustled over to it.
"Oh-my," she breathed. "Mr. Black, catch your breath, and then you must tell me what happened to Miss Bennet. I'll try and fix her up in the meantime," she instructed, gliding to and fro with bottles and a fresh hospital gown. She tapped Rose, and instantly she was clothed in fresh, clean white with her dirty lavender gown at the end of the bed. Madam Ringgold began to tend her, propping her up on several pillows and then beginning to slowly force-feed her potions, since she was not able herself.
"Destroyed, destroyed! Oh, what am I to do?" Rose suddenly began to mumble. Madam Ringgold paused, and listened to what she was saying.
"No," Rose cried out. "No! No, no, no, no, no! I mustn't! I mustn't! Oh, Sirius! I'm sorry!" she raved, her hands clutching at the sheets. Sirius suddenly materialized next to her bedside.
"I'm so selfish, so selfish! Can't!" she insisted. "I- can't-love- you," she whispered, her sudden strength lapsing from her. Sirius was very quiet now. He sat in a chair next to her, and clutched her hand. Madam Ringgold didn't shoo him away either. She just continued her work, her heart inside her broken. Poor, duck, she thought to herself. Imagine finding that bit of information out this way. Sirius continued to stroke Rose's clammy hand. He almost felt as if he would cry. How was it selfish for her to love him if he loved her too? Why was she so unable to love him? A tear fell from one of his eyes and landed on her hand. It took him a moment to register what had happened, until Rose whimpered. She swatted at the place as if it were burning her. She began to thrash back and forth, as if her body was on fire. Sirius panicked. He wiped the tear away with the sheets. It was as if someone poured ice cold water on her. She became calm again, except for the tears that were now flowing down her own cheeks. He wiped them away.
"Mr. Black," a voice interrupted his reverie. Sirius looked up into the understanding face of Madam Ringgold. "What happened?"
"I hardly know myself," he replied distantly. "One minute I was asleep, the next she was beside my bed, waking me up and telling me- telling me that she was breaking up with me. And then, she just keeled over. She could hardly breathe. I- was- am- so scared," he explained to her.
"Mr. Black, unfortunately I think it's time for you to return to your own dormitories. I'll write you a note, lest you get detention," she said, kindly. Unexpectedly, she looked down. "Mr. Black, where are your shoes?" she wondered in a whisper.