When Rose awakened the next morning she was in a hospital bed. Her soiled nightgown was replaced with a new one. Everything was white. Light was streaming in through the window, casting a heavenly glow on the sheets, yet Rose felt infinately troubled. She wished she were still asleep so that she didn't have to endure the agony of Sirius' face swimming in front of hers. Was it him who brought her here? She only remembered feeling as if she were about to die, and then feeling as though she were on fire. Tears, she was swimming in them, and they scorched her blood. And then to wake up to such a blissful day? Should not the very sky fall down? She wanted to hurt something- she wanted to hurt herself. She felt so wretched. So, very, very wretched. And yet she had to.
"Like a poison in my blood," she whispered. What did that mean? Where did that phrase come from? But it was so right. Sirius was a fast-acting poison for her. One taste, and she began to wither away. "Why do I continue to feel as if it is not the losing myself that matters, but rather losing him?"
"I am not a love doctor, Miss Bennet, but I might be able to answer your question," Rose heard a sage voice say. She turned to face the doorway. There was Professor Dumbledore.
"Professor Dumbledore," she breathed.
"Miss Bennet, is there something you would like to tell me?" he questioned knowingly.
"I had a dream last night, Professor," she confessed.
"Would this have anything to do with why Mr. Black brought you here last night at 2:46 in the morning?"
"It has everything to do with it," she said, closing her eyes and miserably flopping her head back on the pillow.
"Tell me about your dream."
"I was in a field. I- I felt as if I had been there for a long time, but this was not the same field it always was. It felt different- and yet the same. I stood there, for what seemed like hours. Just existing. I remember how sad I felt. The grass danced around me, and suddenly I began to dance too." She looked at Dumbledore, who had turned pensive.
"Do continue."
"Yes. I danced forever, and it felt glorious. I was just me. For the first time, I felt burdens shed. It was like letting- letting poison out. I felt blank, fresh, brand new. And yet, I was still sad. Then, I stopped dancing. The field was on a cliff. And on the edge of the cliff was- was, well, Sirius."
"Ah, now we reach the point where Mr. Black enters the story," Dumbledore said, letting his eyes dimly twinkle at her in reassurance.
"Yes. I began to run towards him, but when I got halfway to him, James suddenly appeared, at his side. And then Remus and Lily and countless others, and- people begin to appear on his other side, and then Harry and Ginny and Ron. Everyone was looking at me so intensely. As if trying to tell me something. But then I- I looked at Sirius!" She was now beginning to cry. She had not recounted her dream from top to bottom like this yet.
"Quite alright my dear, quite alright. But if you don't get it all out now, it will only hurt more later. Here," Dumbledore said comfortingly, handing her a handkerchief. She dabbed her eyes with it, sniffed, and tried to continue.
"I started to run towards him again, except, then another person appeared beside Ron. It - it was- it was Hermione. The way she looked at me, it was unbearable!" Rose cried for a bit, unable to continue for a moment.
"And- and then I noticed that there was a gold line between Sirius and I. I knew I wasn't supposed to cross it, but he looked at me like he wanted me to, and I knew I wanted to, so I reached out to him. But I couldn't. I would began to fade away when I did. And everyone just kept looking at me! And finally, Sirius, he started to cry, and I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to go to him so badly, and I just crossed the line. And- as soon as I did, everyone else disappeared. And I was in agony! And then- that was it."
"What sort of agony?" Dumbledore asked kindly.
"I felt as if I was being ripped in two on the inside. And I knew I had destroyed them. I had utterly destroyed them. It was- it was me!" she wailed, blowing into her handkerchief.
"Why were you compelled to seperate yourself from Mr. Black after this?" he asked.
"Should I not have?" she asked weakly.
"My dear, I believe you were right to. I only want to know what your reasoning is." She looked very slightly comforted at this.
"My dreams, they aren't just nightmares. They mean something. I- I felt these people- they- they were real. I know they were. And I felt so- selfish, pursuing Sirius. I knew, even in my dream, I understand now- that I knew that I would have to choose between Sirius- and, and the rest. And I chose Sirius, and it destroyed them! And me!" she explained emotionally.
"I believe you have left out something. Would you care to share what that is, Miss Bennet?"
"I- I don't know-" she stuttered.
"Miss Bennet, you and I both know that is not truthful," Dumbledore said kindly, his eyes twinkling again.
"I- yes, sir. When I chose Sirius, I- I felt him crumble in my arms. And I- it hurts more than anything! That choosing him would hurt him more than us not being together. I- couldn't let it happen, Professor! I couldn't! I feel- I just feel so awful about myself right now! I care more about harming Sirius- than any of the others!"
"There, there my dear. I am proud of you. Words cannot explain how much admiration I feel for you right now. There is a difference between doing what is right and what is easy, and you have chosen what is right. That in itself is so very impressive." He patted her hand, and got up to leave, when he turned and faced her.
"I almost forgot. Miss Bennet, while I agree with your decision to disengage yourself from Mr. Black, I do not believe you ought to disengage from the rest of the world. You will find yourself quite depressed if you do that. Might I recommend a bit of solitude when your thoughts are stormy, and when you need cheering, the company of Miss Evans?" he said to her.
"After all, it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live." He turned from her once more, then began to leave.
"Professor!" she called out, unable to help herself. He rotated to face her, smiling.
"Professor, if I shouldn't dwell on my dreams, does that mean- does that mean its alright for me to be near Sirius?" she asked tentatively.
"My dear, there is a difference between acting on dreams, and dwelling on them. You have acted on what you know is more than a dream, and I believe the course of action is correct. But do not allow yourself to linger on it, feeling remorse and anguish over it. You must learn to live without Mr. Black's company, as he must learn to live without yours. Good day, Miss Bennet," he said, winking at her, and finally leaving.
Rose laid her head back onto her pillow. She sighed. How miserable she was. How her heart ached for comfort- for Sirius' comfort. I don't want to be right, she thought. I want to be with Sirius. She began to cry again, holding her head in her hands, weeping uncontrollably. It was then that she felt two arms around her. Two, strong, warm arms.
"It's alright, Rose. It's alright," Sirius whispered.
Sirius didn't sleep again that night. He loved Rose. Loved her. He had never loved a woman before this, and now he knew how painful it was. He most of all couldn't understand why he had to endure this pain. He couldn't even bring himself to be angry with Rose for a moment. He recalled how vivid her pale face had appeared against the black room, and how her eyes glimmered with those tears. And when her breathing slowed- he couldn't even describe how terrified he felt. It was like being tied up at the edge of a cliff, and watching the one you love being pushed off against her will. He felt so helpless. So weak.
He lay in bed, feeling like he wanted to die. Anything would be better than the way he felt right now. He tossed and turned this way and that, trying to be comfortable, but there was not a bed soft enough to cushion the dead weight of his heart. As soon as dawn had broken, he showered and dressed and left to go to the Hospital Wing. He started off at a run, but the more he ran the harder it was for him to keep the pace. He had run all last night, and hadn't slept more than a few hours. He slowed to a brisk walk, and made his way there as quickly as could be. He reached those two, fateful doors. He sighed. This was the moment of truth. He was just about to push on them, when he heard voices from the inside.
"I had a dream last night, Professor." Sirius sucked in his breath. That was Rose.
"Would this have anything to do with why Mr. Black brought you here last night at 2:46 in the morning?" Sirius' eyes went wide. Professor Dumbledore!
"It has everything to do with it." Sirius felt his palms sweating. Was this the reason that she came to see him in the middle of the night? Why she broke up with him?
"Tell me about your dream."
"I was in a field. I- I felt as if I had been there for a long time, but this was not the same field it always was. It felt different- and yet the same. I stood there, for what seemed like hours. Just existing. I remember how sad I felt. The grass danced around me, and suddenly I began to dance too." Sirius could just picture it. He saw her there, twirling around amongst wildflowers, with her feet bare, and her beautiful hair spinning around in the wind. The field was merely an accent- she was the beauty in it.
"Do continue."
"Yes. I danced forever, and it felt glorious. I was just me. For the first time, I felt burdens shed. It was like letting- letting poison out. I felt blank, fresh, brand new. And yet, I was still sad. Then, I stopped dancing. The field was on a cliff. And on the edge of the cliff was- was, well, Sirius." Sirius felt his muscles tighten.
"Ah, now we reach the point where Mr. Black enters the story."
"Yes. I began to run towards him, but when I got halfway to him, James suddenly appeared, at his side. And then Remus and Lily and countless others, and- people begin to appear on his other side, and then Harry and Ginny and Ron. Everyone was looking at me so intensely. As if trying to tell me something. But then I- I looked at Sirius!" At the sound of her suddenly bursting into tears, he wanted to burst through the doors and wrap her in his arms, and tell her everything was alright. That he was still here- still hers. That he would always be hers. But instinct kept him where he was.
"Quite alright my dear, quite alright. But if you don't get it all out now, it will only hurt more later. Here." Sirius was now clutching the doorframe.
"I started to run towards him again, except, then another person appeared beside Ron. It - it was- it was Hermione. The way she looked at me, it was unbearable!" Sirius felt a sudden wave of resentment towards Hermione. Towards all of these people! How could they look at her like that? He could just see their expressions, eyes tearing into his love menacingly. Even James. Even Remus. Even Lily.
"And- and then I noticed that there was a gold line between Sirius and I. I knew I wasn't supposed to cross it, but he looked at me like he wanted to, and I knew I wanted to, so I reached out to him. But I couldn't. I would began to fade away when I did. And everyone just kept looking at me! And finally, Sirius, he started to cry, and I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to go to him so badly, and I just crossed the line. And- as soon as I did, everyone else disappeared. And I was in agony! And then- that was it." Sirius' breathing sounded so loud to him.
"What sort of agony?" Sirius was not sure he wanted to know.
"I felt as if I was being ripped in two on the inside. And I knew I had destroyed them. I had utterly destroyed them. It was- it was me!" The ramblings of his darling from the previous night began to make more sense to him. He remembered what she said, the words, echoing throught his brain.
"Destroyed, destroyed! Oh, what am I to do? No! No, no, no, no, no! I mustn't! I mustn't! Oh, Sirius! I'm sorry! I'm so selfish, so selfish! Can't! I- can't-love- you."
His heart wrenched as he recalled her words. I can't love you. These hurt worst of all!
"Why were you compelled to seperate yourself from Mr. Black after this?"
"Should I not have?" Sirius felt his heart jolt with hope.
"My dear, I believe you were right to. I only want to know what your reasoning is." It hurt worse than before. It felt as if someone had rammed a knife through his chest. He felt his heart tighten once more, and his eyes smart.
"My dreams, they aren't just nightmares. They mean something. I- I felt these people- they- they were real. I know they were. And I felt so- selfish, pursuing Sirius. I knew, even in my dream, I understand now- that I knew that I would have to choose between Sirius- and, and the rest. And I chose Sirius, and it destroyed them! And me!" Sirius could hardly bear much more.
"I believe you have left out something. Would you care to share what that is, Miss Bennet?" Sirius pricked his ears.
"I- I don't know-"
"Miss Bennet, you and I both know that is not truthful."
"I- yes, sir. When I chose Sirius, I- I felt him crumble in my arms. And I- it hurts more than anything! That choosing him would hurt him more than us not being together. I- couldn't let it happen, Professor! I couldn't! I feel- I just feel so awful about myself right now! I care more about harming Sirius- than any of the others!" Sirius felt like crying out to her, 'Do you know how this feels? Nothing could be worse! Nothing!' But found that his mouth was incapable of speech.
"There, there my dear. I am proud of you. Words cannot explain how much admiration I feel for you right now. There is a difference between doing what is right and what is easy, and you have chosen what is right. That in itself is so very impressive." Sirius could not share this admiration. He still could not understand how one of her infernal dreams could affect their relationship like that. Wasn't he the one who always sat and listened to her? Held her when she cried? Consoled her when they caused her pain? Or worry? Or distress? Or confusion? He heard footsteps- they stopped, and Dumbledore spoke again.
"I almost forgot. Miss Bennet, while I agree with your decision to disengage yourself from Mr. Black, I do not believe you ought to disengage from the rest of the world. You will find yourself quite depressed if you do that. Might I recommend a bit of solitude when your thoughts are stormy, and when you need cheering, the company of Miss Evans? After all, it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."
"Professor!" Rose's voice rang out, piercing Sirius' ears. The shuffling footsteps halted again.
"Professor, if I shouldn't dwell on my dreams, does that mean- does that mean its alright for me to be near Sirius?" Sirius couldn't even bring himself to hope. He could feel Dumbledore's answer in his very bones.
"My dear, there is a difference between acting on dreams, and dwelling on them. You have acted on what you know is more than a dream, and I believe the course of action is correct. But do not allow yourself to linger on it, feeling remorse and anguish over it. You must learn to live without Mr. Black's company, as he must learn to live without yours. Good day, Miss Bennet."
Sirius had the sudden good sense to duck around the corner, and wait for Dumbledore to pass through the door, close it, and walk around the corner opposite the other end of the hallway. Sirius had a feeling Dumbledore knew he was there.
Once out of sight, Sirius opened the door himself (at last) to find Rose, face in her hands, weeping. He strode quietly across the room, and put his arms around her. He felt her body stiffen in confusion.
"It's alright, Rose. It's alright," he murmured in her ear, hoping to comfort her.
Rose looked up and saw his face. She only sobbed harder.
"Oh, Sirius! Don't you understand you're only making this more difficult?"
"How? I love you, Rose! I do!" he confessed on a sudden bout of emotion.
"You can't understand! You can't understand! I- I can't love you! I want to, but- I mustn't, I mustn't!" she cried fervently, shaking her head at him.
"Rose, I heard you talking with Dumbledore. I heard all about your dream. And I think it's a rubbish reason to break up with me," he told her firmly, his hands gripping her wrists now.
"It's not rubbish! I wish it was! Then I might be free! But- you cannot understand! I can't hurt them, I can't hurt me, and most of all, I can't- hurt- you!" She tried to pull her wrists from his grasp, but he held them.
"Sirius, let go of me," she said quietly. "Sirius- you must let go of me," she said, looking him in the eyes. He understood what she meant. She wanted him to let go of her- not just her wrists, but her heart. And he found he could not.
"I can't do that Rose. Just as you could not stop breathing and still live, I cannot let go of you and do the same. I've- I've never felt like this. I've never felt as if I needed someone so badly that life without them could not exist. I've never felt- like- like my existence depended on another's. And- I barely know you, yet I know you better than myself. I shouldn't feel so deeply for one whom I've known for such a short time. But I do. And- and Rose, I swear it Rose, you're not going anywhere in my life. Do you hear me? Do you hear me, Rose?!" he said, shaking her. His body was trembling with feeling. Rose looked away from him, steering clear of his eyes, knowing she would not be able to resist what she found in them. He shook her again, and she pushed against him.
"Sirius, you're hurting me," she whimpered.
"Not as much as you're hurting me," he said, eyes steady and hands shaking.
"Sirius, if you don't let go now, it will only hurt more when you finally do. I- I know so. I haven't let go- of you yet- either!" her voice cracked, and she broke down crying again.
"You're deadly for me, Sirius, and I'm deadly for you. I'm like a-like a thorn in your heart, and you are in mine, and every moment we spend together, we drive the poison in further! And the further the thorn is stuck, the more blood, the more tears will come out when we finally withdraw them."
"You're no thorn, Rose. You're a blossom, stuck in my pathway, bringing so much into my life that I can't walk around you. The only way I will move is if I can pick you off your stem and carry you with me."
"You can't do that, Sirius. It's not just you and me we're talking about. If it were so- I'd gladly walk with you to the ends of the Earth. But as it is- it's not. There are others- and I can't help but feel they depend on me. And while I'm with you- they'll be cut down, along with us."
"How can any of them depend on you! Rose, listen to me. You- had- a - dream," he said, still trying to catch her unwilling eye. "Dreams and realities are different-" he said throught gritted teeth.
"Dumbledore said-"
"I KNOW WHAT DUMBLEDORE SAID!" Sirius roared.
"BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU ROSE!" Sirius' voice now broke, "I don't."
"Roses aren't just petals, Sirius. They're tall, and beautiful, and give off a fragrant scent. But if you cut one off the plant, and stick it in a vase, it will die eventually. Sooner than it would if it were left alone. Sirius, you'll be the death of me, just as I would be the death of you."
"As you will be the death of me." He told her resolutely.
"I've reasoned with you more than I should have to, Sirius," she said in a watery voice.
"You've given me no reasons," he said defiantly.
"I can't make you understand. Perhaps one day, you will. But- but for now- leave me alone." She finally looked into his eyes. They were hard and strong, but covered with a glassy film. Her cheeks were streaked with tears that Sirius still swears looked the palest of pinks. Gently, she removed his hands, (which had loosened their grip into a feeble hold) and returned them to him. "There," she said, letting the tears slip down her cheeks. "Take your heart. I should only soil it, as you've ravaged mine." Sirius looked strange. He then realized that he himself had shed a tear.
"You know, I never cried till I met you," he said, trying to laugh a bit. Rose weakly smiled.
"Good-bye, Rose," Sirius said, kissing her hand as though made of precious metal. "For now," he added, as he turned back to look at her from the door. Rose laid her head back on the pillow, and cried herself back to sleep.