I Am Not!
Chapter 5: I Am NOT a Piñata!
A/N: Nekokyuurei suggested the paper skin to roll her cigarettes. Pein is next after Konan! Yay! I am definitely open to suggestions about Pein's chapter…it's hard to make him and Konan funny for me. DON'T give me any more suggestions for Kakuzu and Hidan. I got it ALL under control.
The Anbu managed to put Itachi in a straight jacket and threw him in the back of the stage next to Kisame, who was whimpering off in the corner about 'Uncle Dave Soup.' Konan managed to wrench the microphone from the straight jacket and walked out to face the crowd, already puffing on a cigarette.
She glared at the audience, adjusting the origami flower in her hair.
"WE LOVE YOU KONAN!!" some fanboys yelled, holding up a giant paper doll in Konan's likeness. It wouldn't have been so bad, but the fanboys had neglected to dress the doll. Konan inhaled from her cancer stick and blew the smoke out of her nose slowly, her eyes narrowed, mouth in a set line, willing herself not to slice the boys to ribbons with paper kunai.
"I will pretend I didn't see that. For your safety. But in the future, if you wish to demonstrate your love for me with a paper doll, PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON THAT THING! I can't believe some of you…I'm just glad that I'm not a guy. Then I'd have to deal with being paired with all kinds of idiots. It's bad enough I get paired with Pein. He's got six bodies, and all of them are horny as hell and about as intelligent as Kisame's Samehada."
Konan flicked her ashes on the floor, took another puff, and continued on.
"And why do people think I use my own paper skin to roll my cigarettes? That's just sick. Trust me, Kakuzu's suggested it, saying it'd save the organization at least eighty bucks a week. You know what happened to him after that? He was in so many fucking pieces it took him a week just to sew himself back together. Never suggested such a thing ever, EVER again."
Konan finished her cigarette, threw it on the polished wooden floor, stamped it out with her heel, and pulled out a pack of Newport 100's. She grabbed one of the cigarettes with her teeth, lit it with a match and inhaled slowly.
"Aaaah…where was I? Oh yes. I am sick and tired of being called a dike. Just because I don't have eyebrows and I hang out with a bunch of guys doesn't mean I THINK I am one of the guys! And NO, I am not the Akatsuki house keeper! I don't do anyone's laundry, wash dishes, cook, clean or any of that housewife shit! I'm the second in command in the Akatsuki, I don't have to do a God damned thing!"
Konan started to walk up and down the stage, seething, a trail of ashes flowing behind her. She paused to point her cigarette angrily at the crowd.
"I just remembered…one of you boneheads hunted me down before the show and had the fucking BALLS to ask me if I ever transformed into a Piñata for Tobi's birthday parties. Want to know what happens when you ask me shit like that? Take a look at the asshole, he's sitting next to Kakashi in the third row!"
Everyone looked around and finally spotted the 'fanboy' sitting next to Kakashi. It was Iruka, and he was all bandaged up.
"See that fucker? That scar on his nose isn't from a fight. It's from a paper cut. So what did we learn, boys and girls and Iruka? That I am NOT a Pinata!" Konan howled.
Echoing silence.
Konan threw the microphone down and made an exit by turning into sheets of paper and flying out the exit.