I Am Not!

Chapter 6: I Am NOT a Man!

A/N: xcupidxstuntx gave me the idea for the massive piercing with skin and hair on it thing (READ her story "Sanctuary" damn it!) & dark-emo-gal suggested the stuff with Pein not being a pedophile. Ooh there were other ideas I should have included but didn't...damn...Nekokyuurei suggested the whole "I am God" thing, and I THINK that's it. If I forgot something, let me know!

Next chapter is ZETSU, not Tobi, but Tobi happened to be the one to get the microphone. He'll hand it over to Zetsu. OMG Zetsu's chapter will be fun, because of the split personality.

Pein walked calmly out on the stage and looked down at the microphone. He bent to pick it up, and when he did, someone blew a raspberry, and everyone in the audience burst into laughter. Pein snapped back up and glared.

"WHO DID THAT?!"

No answer. Pein took a deep breath and let it go. He began to talk.

"I am the Leader of the Akatsuki, and—"

Someone coughed, LOUDLY, and Pein paused.

"Anyone got something to say?" More silence. Pein cleared his throat.

"AS I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted, I'm Leader, I refer to myself as Pein, but no one is allowed to call me that but Konan. I tried to get everyone to call me God, but no one believes me. So, I must tell all of you, both fans and fellow co workers, that I am NOT a man!"

Pein's voice echoed in the still theatre, crickets chirped, people coughed and sneezed, a baby cried and someone audibly scratched their crotch.

"Um, what?" one person asked, while another cried out "OMFG you're a WOMAN?!!"

The orange haired man sighed.

"NO, I'm not a woman, and I'm not a puppet or any other weird thing you people may be thinking. No, I'm not a man. I am more than a man. I am, in short, GOD."

"Fuck you, man!" a hippy AKA Asuma cried, getting up out of his chair and shaking his fist. He took a drag of his…cigarette…(riiiiight) and started ranting about the Viet Suna war. Kurenai grabbed Asuma by the hand and dragged him out of the building before he embarrassed himself further.

"Yes, as shocking as it may seem, I am God. I am the one who will deliver this world from pain and suffereing. I am the one who will…"

"Hey, Leader-sama, un! It's supposed to be about what you are NOT, not what you…uh…think you ARE…" Deidara whispered from the curtain.

Pein glared, but he nodded.

"Fine…I would like to point out to all of you that I am certainly NOT just a massive piercing with hair and skin on it. Someone called me that once. That hurts, it really does. Just because my name is Pein doesn't mean I like pain. Alright? And something else…

Ah, I've been referred to as the Akatsuki Pimp Daddy. I assure you, I am NOT a Pimp, nor am I a pedophile. The Akatsuki are NOT my children, sex slaves or man whores.

I am NOT a drug addict or a pusher for Candy Cane Crack. I don't even know what that stuff is…"

Pein absentmindedly pulled a candy cane out of his pocket and popped it in his mouth. He swept his strange, rippled eyes around the audience, daring anyone to say something. He slid the candy out of his mouth and pointed it randomly, licking his lips. Fangirls swooned in their seats. Lucky for them, Konan wasn't there to gouge their eyes out.

"Hm…I think that covers everything, so…" Pein trailed off as his other five bodies suddenly ran out onto the stage, Tobi trailing behind them, looking frantic.

"TOBI! WHAT ARE THE REST OF ME DOING HERE?!" Pein bellowed, his candy cane dropping to the floor and breaking. It was a sad sight.

"Tobi brought them for the ride, Tobi told them to stay in the van, but Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein and Pein had to go pee, so Tobi let them out…and…"

"Yeah…great. Whatever. Fatty, get everyone back in the van. NOW. We'll all go out for ice cream after this horrible mistake is done and over with."

Five Peins cheered for joy, and one of them, Pony Tail Pein, ran forward and hugged Pein the Leader around the waist.

"Can we bring the ice cream up in the attic at home, hm?"

Six Peins blushed, and the audience squealed.

"PEIN CHAIN!" someone yelled, and soon, everyone was chanting it. Pein gripped the microphone tightly, his Rinnegan eyes seeming to burn with fury.

"I do NOT have sex with my other selves! How DARE you pervert God?!"

Pein stalked off, Pony Tail Pein clinging to his arm, the other Peins following behind, all of them still blushing. Pein the leader thrust the microphone into Tobi's hands and he and his other selves went outside to sit in the van…the phrase Pein Chain repeating in all six of Pein's minds…