I Am Not!

Chapter 7: I Am NOT a Plant!

A/N: SO sorry for not updating in so long. There is, uh, a small snippet of dialogue from chapter 395 of the manga. Bold face is used for Zetsu's dark half.

Beta'd by Eva Amaranth!

Tobi started to walk towards the stage as Pein had given the mike to him, but Zetsu followed, grumbling to himself.

"It's my turn next," Zetsu growled.

"Let Tobi go, he already has the mike."

"No, he can go after us. He has to hold the mike for us anyway."

"Why is that, Zetsu?" Tobi asked as they walked out onto the stage, under the blinding lights.

A cheering crowd greeted them. Tobi waved, jumping up and down excitedly, and dropped the microphone. Tobi quickly picked it back up and it emitted a piercing squeal. Everyone covered their ears and groaned. Someone booed.

Tobi put the microphone up to his eye hole and somehow breathed into it. There was more distorted noise.

"Testing! One Two…uh, one…two…"

"Three," Zetsu finished for Tobi, sighing and rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

"Tobi, hold the mike for me, will you?"

"Why?"

"Because I have no arms, and Leader wasn't kind enough to provide us with wireless microphones."

"Oh."

Zetsu glared at the sea of anxious faces and began to talk into the microphone. Tobi, who was holding it, had to stand on tip toe.

"I am not a science experiment gone wrong. I am not…"

"ALOE VERA!" a young, yet gravelly voice roared in the audience.

The spotlight focused on a young blond boy, pointing and squinting at Zetsu.

"Aloe Vera?"

"Just ignore him," Zetsu's dark half said.

A pink haired girl stood up next, shaking her fist at the boy.

"Naruto, you idiot!" she cried and smashed that fist right on top of his head, rendering the blond idiot unconscious.

The spot light illuminated Zetsu's checkerboard face once more, he cleared his throat, and went on.

"I am not an…Aloe Vera…I am not the long lost cousin of Seymore from 'Little Shop of Horrors,' and I most certainly am not a voyeur, though I do have the ability to be one."

"What's a voyeur?" Tobi inquired with a cute cock to his masked head.

"Someone who watches people have sex."

Tobi murmured a soft 'Oh.'

"I am not a fly trap slash Oreo hybrid—"

"What's sex?"

"Remember yesterday in the greenhouse?"

"Yeah!" Tobi said happily, nodding his head, "Zuzu said he was hungry, and Tobi was on the menu—"

"That's enough!"

Tobi fell silent. The crowd, at least all the ZetsuTobi fangirls, roared with laughter and squealed with delight. A venomous glare from Zetsu quieted the entire theater.

"Ahem. I am not an overgrown weed, a vegetable on steroids, a Miracle Grow addict, nor am I a free source of fertilizer. I am not capable of undergoing photosynthesis, as that is a process used by plants to manufacture food. On a side note, though I have a fly trap encasing the upper half of my body, I do not eat flies. I eat people, so I am, indeed, a cannibal.I am NOT possessed, nor do I have a dual personality."

"Of course you don't," Zetsu's black half said with a chuckle.

"Be quiet chocolate cookie."

"I don't think so, cream filling."

Zetsu sweat dropped on both sides of his face, then continued on.

"As we all know, a psychological test is given to all new recruits of the Akatsuki. I will have you all know that I passed with flying colors," Zetsu said proudly.

"That's because no one was brave enough to tell you that you failed," Tobi blurted with a giggle.

Zetsu stared at Tobi with his gold eyes bulging, his mouth slack.

"WHAT?" both sides roared at once. Tobi jumped.

"Eep!"

Tobi dropped the microphone and ran for it. Zetsu chased after Tobi, gnashing his teeth and arguing with himself over which piece of Tobi would taste best.

"Kisame," Pein snapped from the sidelines.

The shark nin came forward and blasted Zetsu with a stream of water. The plant man fled before him, because all child humping, man eating house plants fear vomit water.