I Am Not!

Chapter 9: I am NOT a Priest!

A/N: Kay, sorry for the long wait, I will probably finish this story, but the other Naruto stories I may, unfortunately, have to put on hiatus. I'm just not into it much anymore. Kishimoto killed my Akatsuki hard-on with his shit, so now I'm obsessed with Bleach. No flames for Bleach, please.

Oh, Rahab's Rehab provided me with this suggestion: For Hidans one line can be "I don't use the blood/curse seal in order to jack
off on myself and torture others by ramming my pike up my ass! (thinking to
himself.."Oh Shikamaru...I have a surprise for you...;))

I didn't end up using those exact lines, but I shall still give credit where credit is due! Unless I forget. :P

Unbeta'd, so hopefully there aren't any really bad errors.

Hidan stalked onto the stage and picked the microphone up. He looked out at the audience, and promptly gave it the finger.

"I know I'm a sexy bitch, but you fans can go to hell! Quit idolizing me and worship someone who can actually save your sorry asses! Like Jashin-sama! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? Just because I'm an eternally youthful, well sculpted, gorgeous, attractive man doesn't mean…"

"Hidan. Quit the bullshit and get on with it. I gotta go collect a bounty in ten minutes," Kakuzu growled from the sidelines. Hidan flicked his partner off and swept a hand through his hair.

"Fine, I gotta rush, so Stitches can wack some nut job and jack off to the million ryous he's gonna get."

"Not just a million ryous…ten million ryous."

"Fuck, I get it! Anyway, I got some real juicy shit to tell you all. You think I'm this high and mighty religious nut, and well…shit, I guess I am, but…I AM NOT A PRIEST."

"What?" a random audience member said in shock. "What did you just say, Hidan? What do you mean?"

"I said, I am NOT a priest. That so hard to get through your thick fucking head? Geez. Anyway, I'm also not a Jashin's Witness, a missionary, your long lost father, Skeletor, the Grim Reaper, a human voodoo doll, your secret admirer, your fuck buddy, Deidara's seme, or Tentacles's uke. Seriously, I don't fuck anyone. Especially ugly old fucks like him."

Hidan jutted his middle finger at Kakuzu, who cracked his knuckles sinisterly.

"I am not the first choice for the priest in the movie The Exorcist. Oh, and for the record, I am NOT capable of casting out demons, poltergeists, ghouls, termites, your worthless basement dwelling son, or zombies. I've tried to kick Kakuzu out but since he's the only one who knows how to write a check and mail letters, we can't get rid of him."

Shikamaru, who was in the audience, turned to Chouji and whispered "Figures that all the Akatsuki are mentally retarded." Hidan heard that, and took out his scythe.

"Kid, you're fucking dead! I can't send letters because it's against my religion to lick envelopes!"

"They have the kind that don't require licking now, asswipe," Shikamaru yelled, standing up.

"Time, Hidan," Kakuzu warned, and Hidan swore under his breath.

"I am not a sadist, a masochist, or a combination of the two. I don't use my blood curse to give or receive sexual pleasure (Kakuzu laughed here) and that goes for my weapons as well. I'm not that kinky, you perverted fangirls!"

He pointed at Shikamaru, who was still standing.

"Though I won't hesitate to shove my pike up your tight ass!"

"…you done?" Kakuzu growled.

"Jashin fucking damn it fine!" Hidan snapped, stomping off stage and thrusting the mike in Kakuzu's face. He caught it before it smashed into his teeth with threads slipping out of his mouth.

"This'll only take a moment. Hidan, go wait in the car."

"Fuck no, it's hot out there, and your piece of shit car doesn't have any AC!"

"Then shut the hell up. Interrupt me even once, and I promise you, I will make you a liar."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Stitches?"

Kakuzu simply smiled evilly as he walked out under the stage lights.