Author's Note – Okay guys, the next chapter. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I should have enough time now to get these things typed up, both for this one and for my other ongoing fics. As since this is a parody, you probably already know that there will probably major OOC. At least I hope you do. Anyway, let's get this show on the road. Disclaimer – I do not own Hellsing or any of its affiliations. All of the characters in the following fic belong to their rightful owners. I still wish I had Alucard all to myself though. (Leaves to sulk in a corner.)

The next morning was a giant scrambling of packing necessary and unnecessary items, last-minute checks, accusations of others stealing clothes, and the other four individuals having to snap Pip out of his daydreams numerous times. Integra went over her clothes yet again, pretty certain that she packed the lightest clothing she could manage, putting a little check mark of all the items in her clothes bag on her list. She moved to the next bag – her bathroom and health things – and began checking off the items on the list for that luggage. Just as she put a little check mark by her toothbrush, a certain red-clad vampire fazed up through the middle of her bed. Only his head and shoulders were visible as he rested his chin on the edge of her clothes bag.

"So, Master? Are we ready yet?," he said, looking up at her eagerly.

"No, Alucard. We're not ready yet. You've already asked me that a million times. I will let you know when we are heading for the airport."

Alucard sighed in impatience and his gaze trailed down. When his eyes landed on the clothes she had packed, he grinned. "Ooohhh, Master!," he crowed, his hands shooting up from within the mattress to grab one of the items of his interest. "I didn't even know you had these!" He held up a navy blue pair of lacy underwear between his forefingers and thumbs. The kind where the tag was the biggest piece of fabric on the whole thing. His expression was absolutely wickedly mischievous. "Are we going to get all dirty and raunchy in Sin City?," he drooled at her, licking his lips in devious implication, chuckling at her with hooded eyes.

Integra snatched the underwear from his hand, a blush of embarrassment and anger dusting her cheeks. "Not even in your dreams, Alucard. And you weren't supposed to ever see those." She stuffed the pair back in the bag and closed it as Alucard pulled his head out of the way. "Has Seras gathered up all her things?"

Alucard shook his head. "No. She's still packing. She has far too many skimpy clothes to choose from. And the Frenchman keeps distracting her. She's already tried to shoot him twice."

"Distracting her how?," Integra asked.

Before Alucard could respond, Walter poked his head in the door. "Sir? Where do you want us to put our luggage?"

"In the two cars of course. Are you finished packing?"



"Well, not quiet… But Miss Victoria says she wants to hurry and hide her luggage. Before the Captain tries to steal it, 'because he's perverted and obsessed'. I think that's how she put it."

Integra sighed. "Why am I not surprised?," she muttered. She slapped Alucard's hand as he tried to sneak a different but equally provocative pair of underwear, and grabbed her bags. "Alright. Walter, please take these to the car and put them in the trunk. I'll deal with Bernadette. Alucard." The vampire looked up at her, trying to look innocent – and obviously failing. "Come with me. And make sure to grab you're luggage when we head to the car."

"I don't have luggage. All my things are packed on me. Shadow familiars don't have a capacity," he grinned.

"Fine, fine. Let's just get this over with so we can get going."

Alucard and his master made their way down the stairs to the sublevels, though the vampire could have gotten there already by wisping away into thin air, and headed for Seras' room. As they drew closer, the sounds of a very angry draculina met their ears, as well as the sound of Pip trying to apologize – and making things worse.

"You idiot!"

"Mignonette, it's not that bad! I swear!"

"Not that bad!? That was my favorite shirt!"

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you tore it up."

"I didn't tear it up! You tore it up, you stupid mercenary!"

"Oh c'mon, it's not like you can't fix it."

"Actually, Pip, I can't fix it! The fabric is too damn thin for me to fix! And the lace…!"

Integra sighed as she opened the door to Seras' room. Inside, Pip was trying to hide behind the edge of the table in the middle of the room, while Seras glared at him just right of the door. In her hand was a light blue, skimpy top… or what was left of it any way. It looked like it was a shirt in progress rather than a proper top with quiet a bit of its fabric unraveled, and a long rip in it, too.

"I told you to let go of it! Why do you have to be so damn perverted!?"

Integra shook her head and rolled her eyes. She cleared her throat for their attention and the squabbling pair looked over to the door. "Oh. Morning, Sir Integra," Seras smiled sheepishly. She glanced at her shirt and quickly hid it behind her back along with her hands. "Did you need something?" Pip waved his hands in the air behind Seras, mouthing the words "Save me!".



"Yes. I heard that there was a holdup in getting all our luggage together. Captain, refrain yourself. You'll receive plenty of vacation money to spend on showgirls when we land. As for you, Seras, just hurry and pick some clothes and bag 'em. We don't have time for this, the plane leaves in an hour." As she walked away, and Seras began rummaging through her drawers, Alucard loomed over Pip.

"Did you even pack anything?," the vampire asked in a bored tone.

"Uhhh… a few things."

"Good. Then let me tell you now, while you're taking a break, that you had better not screw this up. I have plenty planned for Vegas. So… If you end up depleting my fun whatsoever…"

Pip gulped and gave a frightened smile at Alucard from the floor. "No problem, Mr.Alucard. None at all." A sweat drop formed on his head as the vampire smiled then disappeared into thin air. "He's too creepy for his own good," Pip muttered as he collapsed with relief onto the floor. Above him he heard someone clear their throat. He opened his eyes to see Seras glaring at him again, tapping her foot impatiently.

"You're still in my room," she warned. "Do you want me to pulverize you?" Pip just grinned then sprung to his feet and dashed out of the room.

It was about ten minutes later when the Hellsing members climbed into the cars, with all of their bags in the trunk, and sped away to the airport. Several times along the way, Integra had to tell her driver to slow down or speed up – he apparently couldn't see the speed limit signs. When they finally arrived at the airport, their flight was expected to leave in twenty minutes. Integra barked orders while everyone else scrambled about to grab their things, and get them through security. She went over some of the more conspicuous items with Pip.

"You have the coffins being smuggled?," she whispered as they sprinted down the hall to the metal detectors.

"Yes, they're already on the plane."

"And the weapons?"

"They're in the coffins, Boss."

"Good. Go on ahead. Alucard will be the last to go through security. I have to make sure he doesn't have anything illegal and whatnot on him." Pip nodded and Integra turned away to meet the vampire, who was just behind them all. She could already tell that he had something up his sleeve, just by the look on his face. When he reached her she stopped dead in front of him, and held up her palm. "Hand it over, Alucard.'



"Why, Master, whatever do you mean?"

"Don't play coy with me. Cough it up, or I'll order you to ride with the cargo." Alucard looked deflated for a moment before pulling something out of his pocket and handed it to her. She looked at with a scowl. "You were going to plant a decoy of a grenade in the luggage?," she hissed at him, just enough that only he could hear. He smirked. Integra slammed it back into his palm. "Well get rid of it, and I mean far away from here! We'll never even get on the flight if you keep this up!"

"I could have just used the sex beam on them," he countered.

"But that's not what you were planning to do, was it, Alucard?" He just grinned. Integra shook her head and stomped off, loading her two bags onto the conveyor belt where they would be x-rayed.

Finally, after getting past security with only a slight scuffle between Walter and the security – he insisted that the bottle of scotch in his bag was for "medicinal purposes" – the group of misfits boarded the plane. They had just put away their carry on luggage and settled down in their seats, when the pilot came over the intercom. As the flight attendant three rows in front of them demonstrated the pilot's instructions, Integra hissed strict orders into Alucard's ear. "Don't eat or frighten any of the flight attendants, don't go anywhere near the cockpit, don't use your hypnotism on any of the staff, don't try to ask for blood from anyone but me, don't shoot anything or anyone, and don't fix the bathroom door to look like someone is constantly in it even if no one is in there."

"Master!," he whispered back. "You just got rid of most of my fun for the whole trip!"

"That's what I was aiming for." Alucard sulked and slumped in his seat between his master and Walter. Across the aisle from Walter, Seras had to quietly slap Pip for staring at her "shirt buttons" again, and slumped in her seat next to the window. "Walter," Integra asked. "How long is this flight?" Walter rummaged through his pockets for a moment and pulled out a small piece of paper.

"It's approximately ten hours and forty-five minutes. To say in the least, it'll be awhile." All four of them – Pip, Seras, Alucard and Integra – groaned in unison.

Three hours after take off – Seras went through the brochure of Vegas that Integra had supplied for about the eleventh time, one elbow propped up on the armrest between her and Pip. She debated over which hotel they would probably stay at as Pip listened to his mp3 player. Walter dozed off into a nap across the aisle. Integra was reading the book she had carried onto the plane and Alucard… had absolutely nothing to do. Actually he was doing something; scheming up numerous ways to make his trip interesting. His master's orders were limiting his choices however.



Alucard sighed as another idea went out the window and crashed into the ocean below them. The vampire looked around. When he turned around in the seat he found a little boy staring at him over the headrest, probably no older than eight. Alucard blinked. The boy blinked his green eyes just the same. Alucard quirked an eyebrow. The boy did too. Shaking his head, the vampire turned his attention back to the front and coming up with a way to entertain himself. Just as he began to immerse himself in deviant thought, he felt a sharp tug on his scalp. He let out a grunt of discontent and turned around. The boy was staring at him again, propping himself up with his knees in the seat, hands on the back of Alucard's headrest.

Alucard frowned in confusion and in response the boy stuck out his tongue at him. Alucard's frown deepened and he stuck out his tongue as well – only he stuck it out to its full length like some reptilian. The boy scowled and unexpectedly grabbed the slippery appendage and gave it a sharp and short tug as he had done with Alucard's dark locks. The vampire made a choking sound then pulled his tongue into his mouth, scowling darkly at the little mischief behind him. The boy glared back, looking more like he was pouting, while his object of interest appeared to be contemplating violence.

"Excuse me," the woman next to the boy said sharply though more intimidated by the stranger than her son. The woman's tone caught Integra's attention and she turned in her seat. "I apologize ma'am. Don't mind my companion. He has a disorder…" Here Integra tapped the side of her head as if she were implying some lack of intelligence. The woman nodded with an "oh", and Integra turned to the vampire. "That's enough! Sit down, Alucard," she hissed.

"He started it!," he snapped under his breath.

"And you're acting no better than he is. Act you're age." Alucard frowned and slouched in his seat again. Looking around he saw Pip with his musical contraption. Before the mercenary could blink, he reached over Walter and the aisle and snatched up the mp3 player.

"Oy! What are you doing?"

"What do you have on here?," the curious bloodsucker asked, more to himself than the Frenchman. He navigated the menu as Pip tried to reach over and get his property back. "Godsmack, Disturbed, Creedence Clearwater Revival? Who are these guys?" The musical device was suddenly yanked out of his hand and Alucard saw Walter handing it back to it's owner.

"Probably artists we should never have you listen to," the butler muttered before drifting back into his nap. Alucard sighed and propped his elbow on the armrest and his head in his hand.

Four hours later – Integra was halfway finished with her novel when a sharp tapping noise permeated her concentration. Finding the source she watched Alucard rapidly tap the plastic part of the armrest with one of his claws, one foot tapping the floor. "Stop it," she said, 

slapping his hand. "It's annoying. What's your problem?" Alucard turned to her, whipping off his glasses to reveal wide almost paranoid red eyes.

"I'm bored!," he whispered conspiratorially.

"Put your glasses back on! You'll draw too much attention!" She opened her book again. "And your entertainment is not my problem right now. You'll have plenty to do in Vegas."

Alucard blew out a large sigh between tight lips as Pip came back down the aisle from the direction of the restrooms. He was holding a tissue to his nose, which seemed to be slightly bleeding. He wiped his nose, trying to get rid of the blood – unsuccessfully – and turned to Seras with a smile. "Mignonette, would you -?"

"No."

"You didn't even let me finish!"

Seras looked away from the window to glare at the mercenary, lowering her voice to a whisper to speak. "If I won't do it with you on the ground, what in your bloody mind makes you think I'll do it with you thousands of feet in the air!?"

"Oh c'mon!," he whined. "The flight attendant and that bloke are almost finished back there! We should have a turn!"

"No means no, Pip." The mercenary sighed in defeat and slumped back into his seat. Seras went back to staring out the window. The minutes passed and out of the blue the pilot came on over the intercom again.

"Hello, passengers. We apologize for the interruption but we have a slightly intense storm up ahead. We will be passing through in just a few moments, so if you would please make sure you're seatbelts are fastened, and prepare for a little turbulence." The intercom went off people began darting their eyes over their restraints. The Hellsing group did nothing but what they had been doing the first place.

As the view outside the aircraft darkened so did the interior of the plane. And as it darkened the look on Alucard's face – regrettably – "brightened". Walter immediately noticed the swift mood change in his war buddy, and tapped Integra on the shoulder. "Alucard," Integra growled. "I don't like that look on your face." Alucard looked around the plane, measuring the humans around him then grinned at his master.

"Watch this."

Before Integra or Walter could even the form the D for "don't" Alucard averted his eyes to the ceiling. For a split second the lights flickered – and then all power shut off. The plane suspended in the air for a brief moment then began to plummet to the water thousands of feet 

below. People began screaming, Pip latched onto Seras with a death grip as she yelled in panic and he squealed like a little girl, Walter had his screwed shut and his hands gripping the seat. Integra managed to suppress her instincts to do as Walter was doing, and started pummeling Alucard with her fists.

"YOU IDOIT! TURN IT BACK ON! TURN THE POWER BACK ON!"

"But -!"

"WE'RE DROPPING AT HUNDREDS OF FEET PER SECOND! TURN! IT! BACK! ON!!" Alucard rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. The planes rapid descent came to a sudden halt and the lights flickered on. The other passengers sighed and sobbed in relief, Seras pried Pip off of her, and Walter sweat dropped trying to get rid of his paleness. Integra just glared at her servant, waves of heat coming off her and a thick vein throbbing in her head as the plane began to gain altitude again.

"What? They all had an adrenaline rush."

"This is not a roller coaster!!," she snapped through gritted teeth.

"It could be." Integra shook with fury and turned her attention to the floor – probably she didn't dare look at him in fear of exploding in the middle of public.

"Don't do anything but sit there and stay quiet."

"But the flight attendants like me! I've already obtained four out of five of their numbers," he said smiling. "The red head already invited me to the back, too."

"I don't care!," the frustrated Hellsing snapped. "You are not to pretend intercourse for blood. And you're not getting the last number – it's a guy."

"He'd still make a good snack. And who said I was 'pretending' intercourse?" Integra and Walter both face-palmed. Alucard just grinned devilishly as the red haired attendant, who gave him a wink and a smile as she passed by.

"You're as bad as Pip," the butler groaned.

Three hours and fifty minutes later – "Thank god!," Seras sighed as she peered out the window to see a large group of lights several hundreds of feet below them. "We actually made it! We're in Vegas!" Walter and Pip craned their necks to peer out her window. All them smiled.

"Wait… where's Mr.Alucard?," Pip inquired, seeing the vampires seat was empty. As if that were his cue, the No-Life King came down the aisle with a brilliant smirk on his face. They couldn't remember his disappearing.



"Where were you?," Walter asked as Alucard took his seat. Before the vampire could reply the red head from earlier came down the aisle, her hair a little disheveled. Alucard gave her a pinch as she passed and she gave a giggle, smiling at him slyly. Integra shook her head. "You're wrong, Walter. He's worse than Pip. I doubt Pip gets laid as often. Alucard, if I hear anything about little half-breeds-!"

"You won't – she had a condom," he stated as if this were normal conversation. Everyone else but Pip sweat dropped. Pip just gave Alucard a grin and a thumbs up – then pouted like a five year old for not being the one congratulated, ignoring the pilot telling them that they were going to land.

Author's Note – Yes, I finally updated this one. Sorry if I offended anyone with the last two paragraphs. I couldn't resist. And yes, I know, condoms are not 100 reliable. I just threw it in there for humor. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please review guys; I really need to know what you guys think of this. I can't make it better if you don't tell me what's wrong with it. Thanks for reading.