By Selim
Rating: M
Summary: It looked like an innocent alchemy book, but it was anything but. After activating it, Edward becomes a four year old child in body and mind and the only person eligible to take care of this child is a reluctant Colonel Mustang.
Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist
Pairings: Roy + Edward
Thank you (and sorry for not updating recently): (FF) KeveTenjoin, Crysania Fay, Twinkle-Twilight, Demonskid, Chibibunny-chan, Evil Ball of Fluff, PuppylovePyro, (AFF) Nomdeplume, Dana, Of Apples and Honey, Fly, Amethyst-eyed-Koneko, DancingPixies, SephisHikari, Ginny, Milky, Macmac, and Rucina Dema.
Roy Mustang had never prided himself on being a morning person, any of the birds that liked to chirp outside his window could tell you that. He'd fried thousands of them. Roy groaned as he plucked his head out of his cocoon of blankets. What a horrible dream he had. Ed had become a child and moved into his house. Roy groaned. It wasn't a dream; it was a nightmare! Rubbing his temples, Roy flung his legs over the side of the bed and stepped forward where a full-length mirror stood. Without a second thought, he plucked the brassiere from a prior girlfriend off the edge of the mirror, and looked at the black lines under his eyes. Fucking nightmare gave him a horrible night's sleep!
Tiredly, he walked out of his room towards his bathroom. Absently, he noted the faucet was leaking and put it as a list of things he'd need to fix sometime. After washing his face, he began brushing his teeth. His tiredness didn't relent as he promised himself a steaming cup of coffee before dressing for work. His bathroom rituals done, the man started towards his kitchen when his ears caught the sound of clinking in the room. At first, he regretted not having his gloves to attack his intruder. Slowly, he approached the kitchen and turned the corner. Ed flinched at Roy's suddenness and dropped the freshly delivered bottle of milk on Roy's pristine kitchen floor, shattering the bottle into millions of pieces.
After initial shock of what he'd done kicked in, the little blonde started bawling. It was at that point the man realized that he hadn't been dreaming and he truly did bring a four-year-old child into his bachelor pad. "I'm sorry, mister teacher!" The child sobbed.
First things first, Roy mumbled a few curses under his breath as he cleaned up the mess up before it leaked under his icebox. "Don't," he started, "call me 'mister teacher'. Just call me Roy. Better yet, call me Colonel Mustang." Ed using it in only the politest of tones would be a first, and the colonel was going to suck polite, sweet, child Ed for all he was worth.
Nodding, the child hiccupped.
With the floor cleaned up, Roy put the soaked rag in his wash hamper and began sweeping up the broken glass pieces. "Have you had breakfast yet?" He asked.
"Uh-uh." The boy shook his head negatively. "There's no food to eat." He bit at his bottom lip. "Milkman came! He was nice! He gave me candy, see, see, see!" The little blonde dug through the pockets of his PT shorts and tugged out melted chocolate, taking it from the cheaply made wrapper. By the time he'd taken it out completely and brought it towards Roy's face with smudgy brown fingers and chocolate that looked more like shit than the actual sugary treat.
"Don't you ever Mmph-!" Roy coughed when the chocolate and fingers were stuffed into his mouth. Gagging, Roy grabbed the boy's hand and pulled it out of his mouth. "You little shit!" He spat the gooey substance into his pristine sink before dropping the broken glass from the milk bottle in the trash. So much for cleaning his mouth out with that. Dunking his head under the sink, the colonel suckled in water and swished it over each section of his mouth. Spitting it out, he glowered at the little blonde staring up at him with big brown eyes. Slowly his anger began to demise with a sigh. "Whatever. Let me get dressed, we need to get you new clothes and breakfast."
"I'na wanna." The boy muttered, fingers stuffed in his mouth to eat the remaining chocolate.
"I didn't ask if you wanted too, you're going too." Roy left the room to his bedroom to change into his uniform. From the kitchen, he could hear Ed kicking and screaming about not wanting to go. He's just being difficult, Roy reminded himself. Ed was just being himself. Something shattered and Roy winced. How wrong would it be to spank the child? Set the child on fire? Roy rubbed a wrinkle from his jacket as he pushed that idea away. Remember, Roy: He's four, you're twenty-nine. You can handle this. Think of it like a mission and execute it with as much promise as it would take to become Führer. Dressed, Roy checked himself one last time in the mirror before going down the stairs.
He wasn't really sure what he was expecting when he walked in his kitchen. Ed slamming his hands on the wooden floor paneling while kicking and screaming on the top of his lungs? Though this was the picture, it was the last thing the colonel expected. Knowing Ed, as FullMetal, the blonde would have torn his cabinets apart, turned items into random things, destroyed his plumbing system before taking a seat with a wide grin that screamed 'look what I did, colonel'. But obviously this wasn't the case. As if he were talking to one of his troops, Roy squatted down and spoke smoothly, "are you quite done now?"
The child fell quiet with a few choice sniffles. "I hate Mister Roy!"
"The feeling's mutual." Roy picked Ed up by the back of his shirt. "Now go get your shoes on. Maybe I'll even buy you a toy."
Falling to complete silence, Ed reached for Roy's uniform jacket. "I wanna train!"
"Sure. Sure. Whatever. Just go get your shoes on." Roy leaned back against the icebox as Ed dashed to the door and came back with his oversized boots and tugged them on. Hazardously, the shoelaces remained undone when the boy jumped to his feet. "Tie your shoes." The boy fell silent and stared at his boots. "Don't you know how to tie your laces?" The boy shook his head no. Sighing, Roy bent down and tightened the large leather material tight enough on the boy's thin legs so Ed wouldn't trip and hurt himself. "There, let's go." Roy started towards the door, his subordinate way ahead of him in haste. When his front door was locked, Roy left the apartment complex to keep up with Ed, only to find (in horror) that Ed had made it to the other side of a busy road. "Damn it! Edward Elric, get your ass over here!"
The little blonde glanced back before plopping on the ground.
"Don't make me come after you!"
Still Ed didn't move. Getting to the edge of the road, Roy waited impatiently for a fault in the traffic before storming across the street to Ed. Scared the child looked up and tried putting on a puppy dog expression. His pink bottom lip stuck out as the child cried, "I'm sorry!"
Grabbing the boy by the arm, Roy hoisted the child to his feet. "You don't just cross the street by yourself! What would have happened if you were seriously injured? Do you want me to call your mother?" He threatened.
"No! No call mommy!" The child screamed. "I'll be good!"
"Then you start behaving yourself." Roy huffed. Fuck. He was turning into a parent. Shaking his head, Roy grabbed the boy's hand and started down the street. "Let's get something to eat before we buy some clothes. How does pancakes sound?"
Licking his lips, Ed smiled up at his teacher. Roy blinked down at how bipolar the kid was. One second the child was in manic mode, then he was screaming, smiling, laughing, bawling, and once again smiling again. "Yummy! With suur-up?"
Realizing the boy was being slow and he only had an hour before he was to arrive at work, Roy lifted Ed into his arms and started down the road. "Whatever, just don't make-"
"-A mess." Roy stared over the sticky mess called Edward Elric. The blonde licked at his fork, rubbing syrup onto his nose and into his hair. His fingers were just as sticky as the twin fingers began playing in the pools of syrup on his once white plate. The waitress, an aging woman by the name of Victoria, was smiling at Ed's antics. "I'm really sorry, Vicky." Roy smiled at the woman that had become part of his life since he visited this restaurant at least once every week.
"Oh it's okay, Roy-dear!" Victoria smiled. Her widened face stretched more when Ed held up his plate, begging for more. "How about another glass of orange juice instead?"
"Okay!"
Picking up the boy's small cup, the waitress left the area for a second and returned with a full glass for the child. Returning near Roy, Victoria filled Roy's coffee cup before picking up their two plates. "So, is this your nephew, Roy?"
"No!" Roy grunted. "This is my … student. He wants to learn alchemy and I plan on teaching him. He won't be here long though." The man winced as he watched orange juice pour onto Ed's shirt. Confused, the boy stared down at the mess before his eyes filled to the brim with tears. "Don't cry," Roy reasoned quickly, "we're just about to buy you some new clothes anyway."
Wiping the tears from his eyes, Ed nodded and put the glass back on the table. Like a mother, Victoria rushed to dab a dry cloth on the boy's clothes to clean him off. Satisfied he was as dry as he could be the aging woman took a step towards the front counter and to the cookie jar for a large chocolate chip cookie that was as big as the child's stretched hand. Squealing in delight, Ed took it without any thanks and smashed as much into his mouth as he could possibly get. "Aren't you going to say anything?" Roy muttered, annoyed.
Confused, the blonde blinked before remembering his manners. "Han'oo m'am." Ed said while spraying crumbs.
"Oh, it's okay sweetie! We'll just charge it to Roy's tab."
Not really understanding but knowing that the phrase just pissed Roy off to no end, Ed smiled and thanked her for the cookie again. Rubbing his temples, Roy asked for the check, all while feeling the worse for his wallet after all this was done. He swore that if this was a crash course on having kids, he was going to remain a bachelor.
"Colonel." Riza greeted her commanding officer the minute Roy dragged the kicking and screaming Ed into the office. "Good morning – rather afternoon. Mister Elric, did you have a fun time with the colonel?" She bent down the minute the child latched himself to her leg.
"There'az a circus! I wanna see the monkeys!" The child cried.
Walking into his office, Roy took a seat at his desk, ignoring Ed's long tale about how the colonel was a big 'meanie' and wouldn't go to the circus to see the magician or let the blonde play with the monkey out front. Then there was the whole story about how the clothes Roy had bought were so stupid and looked 'just like Roy's' uniform. Personally, the Colonel didn't see any resemblance. Pressing the earpiece of his phone against his ear, Roy waited for the operator to pick up. "Hello, yes. This is Roy Mustang; I'm calling about assigning a false number just in case. Yes, I understand the problems this may cause, but I'm dealing with someone with…amnesia. He thinks his mother is still alive and I don't want to let him know the truth until he's a little more stabilized. Yes, I'll accept the charges, send them to this account." The military could pay for them. "All right, yes. Now, there might be a little boy calling from this phone at odd points of the month for his mother 'Trisha Elric' over in Risembool. I need you to wire the phone to Central's extension of Riza Hawkeye during working hours and her home phone during after hours and on Sundays. Yes, she knows this is happening. Okay, thank you." Hanging up the phone, Roy glanced at the door again.
Ed had been so persistent to call his mother just before he saw the circus. Figuring he couldn't just tell the boy there was no way to do so, Roy had to devise a plan. And fast. Riza wouldn't mind, and she was the only woman that he knew would do this off the military's dime if it were a mission. "Hawkeye, I need to speak with you for a minute!"
Nodding, the woman entered the room, leaving Edward clinging to his new toys, some linking logs. Glancing around, the little blonde rushed towards the cluttered desk with the very man that had given him lollipops the day before. He couldn't recall the man's name for the life of him, but saw something very similar to a stick of candy in his mouth. "Mister, mister!" He climbed onto the man's lap and shoved the box of toys in the man's face. "Can I have some candy? Can we put this together? Let's go to the circus!"
"'Names not Mister, Ed." The man put the toy down. "It's Jean Havoc, and no. I'm trying to work or the Colonel will have my ass." Putting the boy on the floor, Havoc returned to the papers he priory was working on.
Sticking his bottom lip out, Ed rushed to the next person. The person with big glasses. Again, he repeated his demands, this time adding a timed, "Mister Roy say you have to!"
"Colonel said I had to take you to the circus?" Fuery scratched his chin. "That seems rather strange, but I suppose I understand. Just let me confirm it with him and we'll head out."
"No! No!" Ed screamed, tugging on Fuery's hand again. "He say go now! Before the circus leaves!" The blonde tugged again. "I wanna see the monkey!"
Glancing towards the closed door, Fuery brushed his glasses up. "Um. Okay, since the Colonel ordered this." He took the boy's hand and started towards the door to go and see the animals, just as Ed wanted.
Inside the room, Riza sat on the long couch taking notes comfortably as Roy was on the phone again. Setting the headpiece down, Roy sighed. "The soonest a high ranking alchemist can visit is in a month. They have a general idea on what's going on though."
Riza nodded. "I noticed Colonel that, unless Ed's crying about something, he doesn't really speak like a four year old. Almost like subconsciously the older side still has control of speech."
"Probably." Roy clasped his hands. "I've noticed it too. When he's emotional, yes he can turn into a child again even though he hasn't used a large vocabulary yet. I think that FullMetal is in there, somewhere. I want Edward, however, monitored at all times while here and any cognitive changes that appear, I want to be informed of this immediately." Writing the note down, Riza stood up and approached the door. "And send Edward in here. I don't want him running around unsupervised in the offices."
Smiling over her shoulder, Riza nodded and left the room. Roy hadn't even relaxed when she rushed back in the room. "He's gone."
Confused, Roy sat up. "What?"
"Breda says that he saw Ed leading Fuery out of the building a little while ago on his way back from the men's room. He – Ed – was going on about magic or something. You don't think he was talking about alchemy or something like that, do you?" Riza whispered.
Thinking the sentence over, Roy jerked to his feet. "That damn circus! Hold all my calls and keep this place running, Lieutenant. I'll be right back." The colonel stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him. That idiot! Why would Fuery just leave Central Headquarters without permission? Ed probably tricked him. Sneaky little brat. He glanced around at the secretary in front. Demanding if Ed had come by, Roy left no room for the frightened man to stutter out that yes, Ed had left with Fuery in toll. Yelling and screaming, of all things, "monkeys!" in a chant with the supposedly adult Fuery.
With his long steps it didn't take long for the adult to get to the exact location of the circus – well carnival to be more precise. A clown happily greeted at the front gate, asking for money for so many tickets to have fun while a woman with a beard tried to give him a flier. This was why the colonel refused to go to the circus! Roy rushed past the after giving a few dollars for the clown to leave him alone. There were just too many freaks to be real. "Edward Elric!" Roy yelled.
He traveled a few more feet before calling out the boy's name again. A few people glanced worriedly at him before the bearded lady from before approached. "What's wrong fella? Lose your kid in here?"
"Yes, something like that," Roy muttered, "and I'd like him back before he becomes a carnie."
Huffing, the woman stomped away. "And I was going to point you to the lost child facility!" She was gone long before Roy could apologize and ask for that direction. Breathing a relaxing sigh, Roy straightened himself. Hold your anger until you find Fuery and Ed. Then unleash it all at once.
Again Roy began to search further in the festivities. Every blonde child he saw he pulled aside to see if they were Ed – this caused him to be hit by three purses, seven bags of food, and a fist by an angry father. Clutching a bloody nose, Roy stepped inside a top tent where a woman (dressed up as an elderly lady) was riding an elephant with a kid. And not just any kid. His kid. "Edward Elric!"
Ed grabbed hold of the elephant again while staring Roy's way. "Look Mister Roy! I'm riding a-a ella-fent!" The woman behind him laughed and helped the boy remained seated as a trapeze dropped down and picked the child up. Squealing in delight Ed was lifted onto a supporting bar with another trained specialist. Roy watched (in horror), his mouth agape. "I'm taller than you too!" The child screamed down, excited.
"Isn't he just a blast, folks!" The ringleader yelled, drawing the crowds' attention again. Above everyone, Ed was lifted into the supporter's arms and taken off the ramp. On the floor again, Roy raced over to the two just as Fuery was coming from the sidelines to claim Ed again.
"Colonel Mustang, Sir!" Fuery saluted in greeting. Behind him, Ed shuffled into the small adult's backside for cover. "Is there a problem at central command?"
In a calm, low voice, Roy whispered smoothly. "Why are you here?"
"E-Ed said that y-you gave me the order to take him to the circus?"
"And you weren't the least bit curious about why I'd give such an outrageous order without ordering you to come to my office to personally give it to you? Why the hell would I tell a child to give the order!" Roy couldn't hold his tone down anymore. Ed clenched his eyes shut at the shout.
Fuery rubbed his hands to his sides, clenching the loose fabrics on his pants. "I'm sorry sir! He just became rather convincing that you knew exactly where we should be!"
Probably was convincing. Roy breathed. "Fine. Return to Central. Edward Elric." He turned his attention to the child that no longer had a place to cower when Fuery disappeared in the crowds to leave as quickly as he could. "Why did you lie?" Roy started slowly. The child shrugged his shoulders. "I…" he took a second, choosing his words carefully. He had to find something that would affect the child the most. "I was really scared." He finally said.
Shocked, the child leaned forward. "You were? But grown ups are never scared."
"Well I was," Roy said bending to his knee. "When I went looking for you were gone and I thought that someone might have taken you away or something. Your mother will be really upset if I lost you." He noticed Ed's chin had slumped down on his chest so the boy was no longer looking at him in the eyes. Reaching over the colonel lifted Ed's face to meet his own. "Do you understand?"
Digging his toe in the dirt, Ed nodded. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "Teacher not scared no more?"
"No." Roy smiled. "Now let's get back to work. I'm sure Al will help you put together those logs."
"Okay!" Ed held his hands up to be picked up. Without a thought, Roy complied. When he realized that he'd done so, the adult glanced at the happy child snuggled into his arms. Is this what being a parent feels like?