Disclaimer – I do not own the X-Men evolution or any of the character. I make no profit in this. Only imagination used in the process of the making.
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They were part of someone, she always told herself, every night before bed. She knew the desires and the needs of every single person in her head.
The dreams were turning into fantasies that were not her own. She looked at them over and over again, wondering what they meant.
She was sure she was going crazy. She had to. Life was not forgiving her, she was sure of it, but why did it come to paint itself like this, now out of all the times.
The feeling of pleasure came in those dreams. It had to be her punishment for killing Remy. She wanted to believe it so, and it would be what she believed and refused to acknowledge.
She missed his presence, but the Remy in her head would always come to console her with his opinions and thoughts.
She found herself liking nothing but solitude. Her interactions with the occupants in the mansion became lessened with her presence.
She repulsed their company, yet she always found herself wondering why. The cries of anguish came one day. Breaking in the air like crystal on a cement floor at the point of a collision.
The cries of another past love, of another girl that was not hers but Remy's.
Belladonna, her name sounded beautiful. The beauty emitted was like radiation from the sun in a summer afternoon. Her pain came back when she heard her scream, Belladonna's scream.
The words still played in her head.
"Dat monstrosity killed mon cher. I will kill de bitch. I will kill her. Mon amour, mon cher, mon vie, mon mari"
It echoed and tormented her. The shock accompanied by millions of opinions to add in the equation of misery.
"You shoulda known better Stripes."
"I cannot believe you will fall for trash like that, Rogue. You are a disgrace."
"Fuck you! Leave me alone. Just leave me alone."
"You know Rogue, it's like your fault she's, like totally going ballistic and stuff. YOU did this to Remy"
"Arrête! Enough! Shu' up all of you!"
"Chère, don't listen t' none of them. It's not like dat you didn't bring her here. It's not your fault chère. It's not —
"Shut up! Leave me alone. You ain't my Remy. Tha real Remy would hate me. Ah'm just losing mah mind. Ah did it to him. Remy hates me, just like ya'll do."
Tears, silence, tears and silence was everything that surrounded her. No one dared to come in or talk to her. She despised them all. All because they never blamed her and she wished they did, but they never would. The real people. The ones that she thought should punish her.
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He says he loves me but I know it's not him. The real him does not exist. I killed what I cared for and I must not touch.
The world is a hell and I wished he still walked among it. He visits my space, goes through my memories. I don't want his part here.
He is not my Remy. My Remy died when I kissed him. I hate my lips, I hate my skin. I only kill and give no life.
Who can love someone like that? Not Remy because he is godly. He is the Adonis to Aphrodite and my warning killed him just like Aphrodite to Adonis.
In this story, I created death and not a beauty and alive flower. I created a corpse that takes a breath through a stupid machine. I created murder-giving death to my loved one.
I kill what I touch and love. I'm only a weapon. I hate myself, I miss myself, I love myself. NO!
He's there again. Changing my thoughts. Making me look back when I never did.
I don't want to look back. I hate the past but he goes in it like a time machine and a rewind button to show me. Over and over and over again.
Every thought, every pain. I hate him, I love him, I killed him, I gave him life.
Nothing much makes sense. My thoughts betray me. His voice talks to me.
I want to leave. Just leave the conscious part of me. Live where he cannot remind me of what I've lost. Of what I did when I, when I, Rogue, killed him.
I wish I lived in some government were my sentence would be painful and humiliating. To be whipped to oblivion, to be stoned to death, fucked by a baboon, drowned with snakes.
Never die only in Remy's arms. There it happened again! He's messing with my head!
I feel him lurking in my so-called dreams. He makes them go away. He changes it, and it terrifies me.
His 'wantings' to happen. He shows me what should hurt me. The body of women he possessed with my face. Recollections of past sexual encounters with thoughts of me.
It tortures me; I hate myself for doing so to him. The pain is too much; I choke and lock him out.
Damn him for always finding a way in.
I find it ironic; he a 'thief', the place I should know best and control the most is the one place where he controls me now.
I'm a prisoner in my own mind. I know it as my punishment but I still do not fight for control.
I deserve it; He says things he never did when alive. That's how I know he is not my Remy.
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She lets me control her. She lets me touch her; show her that I love her.
Yet she does not believe. I try to show her things, I wish not to hurt her with, but I know what she should know about.
It is my way of asking for a sorry and to come clean in a mind that it is not my own, but of the one I love.
My love gives up on me and I take more control. Her beauty of eyes goes away and my own show.
I catch her admiring them in her mind. The constant reminder that I live in her now.
Her past is her hatred factory. Her pain and misery. I want to erase them and paint it with colors and beauty.
The black in her soul and the white that should be pure but it really is pain, and it is what I only find there. I wish to take it away. I wish I could, but she doesn't hatch and the abyss grows bigger as I live in her.
She does not know why I fascinate myself with her past. I learn more of her, and the addiction of learning from her is worse that a habit of cocaine, heroin, meth, or opium.
Sometimes I would pretend I was there, in that moment of her past. Pretended to save her from her troubles while she, the damsel in distress, and I, the knight in shining armor, would come to save her from her misery.
I could manipulate her memories. Make her believe she never suffered and I was the one to give her happy moments. I restrain myself from the temptation of doing so, even it if kills me to know I could make it all better.
I haunted her dreams and made her see her past.
When my plan comes into play, she would figure it out in due time. She would see why I did it and I, Remy, the love of her life will return to the land of the living.
It would hurt me to so do; it will kill me to leave her. To leave this home in her mind that I made for myself. Where I can live and breath her in and know that it is all her and not contaminated with the rest of the Earth.
This is my home, my paradise, my heaven and my love. I would give up life, just for Rogue, just for her.
I try to take her negative and guilt away. She tries to stop me from talking to her. She loves me and she thinks I am not the same.
I wish I deserved her and that she didn't think of me as the one she could never have. She had me from the beginning; she had me since her eyes connected with mine.
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Thank you to –
Amakusa – My first reviewer! Thank you so much. That definitely boosted my confidence. I want to do that, keep the angst and everything, 'cause it would not be a Romy without it. I just hope you like it. Thank you for the review.
Promisesx – I know it is a little confusing. It is kind of the point. Not really knowing what is going on. I would explain it to you in detail but that would kill my plot. I will give you some of what I am going for. Part of Remy is in Rogue, not all of Remy, but some part. That is all I can say, but keep reading and I hope that you can understand where the dots are connected. Thank you for saying I'm a good writer, it feels nice to read it. This is my fist attempt at this so I am a little scared of what might happen in the future with this story.
I hope you both enjoyed this chapter.
To all those who read it. I would appreciate it if you reviewed. Just say what you think and if you like it or not. Constructive criticism is one of the best things a person writing a story can have. Thank you.