The One With The Wrecked Christmas
--Chapter 13--
THE ONE WITH RACHEL'S VOWS
Welcome to Chapter 13. May I just first begin to thank (as I always do, is it getting boring) my reviewers. Thanks, your comments are sooo useful.
Now there's something else I wanna say too. It's not certain yet but there's a big chance Chapter 15 (that's 2 more) MIGHT be the last. Of course, I'm not 100 sure yet but there's a good chance itll be the end in two more chapter :( how sad hehehe. Now on with Chapter 13…
(Continues where Chapter 12 left us off...)
SIX HOURS AFTER CHAPTER 12
(Scene: Joey's apartment (no longer Rachel's); Joey is watching TV as Rachel enters.)
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Joey: So? It's 3 o'clock in the morning. You girls had a good time?
Rachel: Oh, the best. Phoebe kicked 3 men in their crotch and threw up at all the bathroom-mirrors.
Joey: Wow, I can't believe I missed it.
Rachel: (chuckles) Yeah. (She looks around and realizes) Ohh, shoot. Right, Ross said something earlier tonight about…the guys, the movers coming over and moving my stuff outta here.
Joey: Ohh. Your stuff's missing?
Rachel: You didn't notice?
Joey: You took my donut! (looks over the counter)
Rachel: So… good-night, then.
Joey: Nighty-night.
Rachel: Bye. (opens the door to leave) You uh…you gonna be ok here?
Joey: Yeah, yeah I'll…I'll be fine. I'll, I'll call a few strippers, sleep with half of 'em and forget their names in the morning.
Rachel: (smiles) You'll be fine. Bye.
Joey: Bye!
(Rachel leaves and shuts the door after her)
(Joey just stands in the middle of his living-room, looks around and finds the apartment, for the first time in eleven years, emptier than ever)
(He grabs the remote and turns the TV off)
(Joey looks around again, pushes his recliner, aka the barcalounger (spelled it wrong), and lets it revolve as he goes into his room and shuts the door)
TEN MORE DAYS FOR THE WEDDING.
(Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Mike (and Jack & Erica Bing) are there as Rachel enters, a little upset.)
Monica: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Ugh, don't even start.
Phoebe: What's wrong?
Rachel: Ross and I just had a stupid fight again. It was so disgusting.
Joey: (nodding) Oh, was he naked?
Rachel: No, it was disgusting—fight wise. We just, we just kept arguing about the wedding and the invitations and all. It's just so…ugh!
Monica: Rach, that's ok. These things, they happen. I mean, the whole wedding thing and the preparing, it's so overwhelming.
Rachel: Really?
Monica: Absolutely.
Rachel: So we'll get over this?
Monica: You will. Gee, you should've seen how many times Chandler and I argued and broke up when we were getting married.
Rachel: Really?
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Yeah, dude, remember when you guys were engaged and you found out that, back in London when you two hooked up, Monica went up to the room to have sex with me but ended up with you by mistake?
Chandler: (fearfully glaring at him) And can you believe we made it four years without bringing that up again?
Joey: Gotcha.
Mike: (poking Phoebe) Oh, honey, tell her about the time you and I fought when we were engaged.
Phoebe: Mike! Honey, I'm not gonna tell my friends about the problems you and I have in bed.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hi, honey, I'm so sorry.
Rachel: Oh god I'm sorry too.
(Ross and Rachel hug then kiss.)
Phoebe: Awe, they're so sweet.
Chandler: Yeah, they look so sweet and pretty and it's romantic to just see them cuddling like that and—(Joey looks at him and Chandler quickly stops talking)
Phoebe: (laughing, to Chandler) You are such a pretty little girl!
Chandler: Hey! No, I'm a man!
Monica: Oh, please! (pointing at Phoebe) She's more man than you are!
(Chandler looks up at Joey)
Chandler: Joe, some backup here please?
Joey: You're right, man, I'm sorry. Phoebe is not more man than you are.
Chandler: Thank you!
Joey: Monica is.
Chandler: Wha--?
Rachel: Anyway, you guys, the invitations are sent so you should probably all go home right now and, y'know, read 'em!
Chandler: "and Weep"?
Rachel: Just tell us what you think.
All: Yeah, ok.
(They all start to leave)
Ross: Wait, umm, actually, Joe, can I talk to you? For a sec?
Joey: (smiling) Strippers?
Ross: No, it's something serious. (to Rachel) Honey, I'll be right there.
Rachel: Okay.
(Rachel kisses Ross and they all but Ross & Joey leave)
Joey: So, strippers?
Ross: No. Umm, let's sit down. (They sit down on the orange couch) So, you know that Chandler and I have been friends since, like, college right?
Joey: Yeah, you guys were in this boy-band and you were, like, geeks—
Ross: (clears throat) Anyway… umm, since I'm getting married in, like, a week and a half you would expect me to pick Chandler to be my best man, right?
Joey: Well, I wouldn't be sad but…
Ross: I want you to be my best man, Joe.
Joey: What?
Ross: I want you to be my best man. I already spoke to Chandler about this and he's fine about me asking you to be my best man.
Joey: Ross, are you sure?
Ross: Yeah, I mean you're my best friend and I really want you by my side on this special day of my life. The day I finally get together with Rachel, the woman I'm supposed—
Joey: (interrupting) Ok, yeah, Ross I think I know who Rachel is.
Ross: …So?
Joey: Uhh…Ross, are you sure you wanna do this? I mean, remember the last time I was your best man? I let the duck swallow your wedding ring! …And I slept with the stripper, now let's talk about strippers.
Ross: I don't care, I want you to be my best man.
(Long pause. Joey keeps looking at Ross, uncertain what to say, how to say it…)
Joey: I don't think I can do it.
Ross: What? Why not?
(Because I'm in-love with your fiancé, Joey imagined him saying but then he immediately snapped out of it and started to think of his answer)
Ross: Joey?
Joey: Is it hot in here? I think it's hot in here! WAITER!
Ross: It's the coffeehouse.
Joey: What, they don't have waiters in here? They really should.
Ross: Joe? (nodding) Are you scared you might mess it up?
(Joey takes a long pause to think about this)
Joey: Yes.
Ross: You're not gonna mess it up and even if you do, it doesn't matter because we're friends and I know I'd do the same for you if you asked me.
Joey: Wait, wha—what do you mean?
Ross: Like if you ever get married.
Joey: Hmmm. Who am I married to?
Ross: I don't know, some girl.
Joey: Is she cute?
Ross: Probably…
Joey: Is she hot?
Ross: I dunno…
Joey: Is she a stripper?
(BEAT)
Ross: So you'll be my best man?
Joey: (sighs) Fine, I'll be your best man.
(They hug it out)
Ross: Rachel's gonna be so happy to find out that you're my best man.
Joey: She is, huh?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well…I'm so happy for you two. Finally getting back together, finally tying the knot.
Ross: Thanks man.
Joey: She's happy…when she's with you, y'know. (Ross looks up at him) And I'm happy she's happy.
(Long Silence)
Ross: Huh?!
Joey: I have no idea what I just said.
(Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are talking about Rachel's vows.)
Rachel: These vows are killing me! This is so frustrating.
Monica: Ok, y'know what? You don't need vows on your hand. When you get up there, just speak from your heart.
Phoebe: What? NO! Don't listen to her, don't speak from your heart! The heart is an organ, it pumps, it circulates blood or whatever, it doesn't SPEAK, it doesn't have tiny little lips on it NOW DOES IT?!
Monica: Well, you're all "glass totally empty".
Phoebe: (screaming harder now) DOES IT?!
Monica: (now terrified of Phoebe, screaming too) No, no, it doesn't! IT DOESN'T!
Phoebe: (suddenly calm again) Ok, well good. (Pause) I kinda lost it a little bit there, huh?
Rachel: (still intimidated) Just a tad.
Monica: Little bit.
Phoebe: Yeah, see, it's the hormones.
Monica: You're barely even a month pregnant.
Phoebe: (screaming again) OK, LIKE WHAT'S WITH THE 3RD DEGREE?!
Rachel: Ok, you guys, this is serious. I mean, I still have to write my vows. What do I do?
Phoebe: Just get 'em off the internet.
Monica: Oh, no, no. That is a bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea ok?
Phoebe: Ok, I'm the maid-of-honor so you zip it.
Rachel: (gasps) Maybe I should check what Ross wrote!
Monica: No, Rachel…
Phoebe: Ooh, maybe I should help you!
Monica: No, Phoebe, you guys… This isn't the system! (Phoebe and Rachel run into the bedroom leaving Monica alone) This isn't how the system works!
Phoebe (voice-over): Oh, screw your stupid system. Now haul-ass!
(Cut to Ross and Rachel's bedroom. Monica walks in to join Phoebe and Rachel's seek to find Ross's wedding vows)
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. (turns to Phoebe) Wow, your fake-hormones stuff is really paying off.
Phoebe: I know!
Monica: Ok, now what are we looking for?
(Phoebe and Rachel stop looking and stare up at Monica, freezing)
Rachel: If you don't know that, then I don't wanna do this with you.
Phoebe: We're looking for the groom's wedding vows.
Monica: So basically we're snooping through my brother's files, folders and personal stuff to find the personal vows he wrote.
Rachel: Exactly.
Monica: All right.
(They continue looking. Phoebe finds a brown shoebox under the bed)
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, he could keep it in here!
Monica: Phoebe, why would my brother keep his vows in a shoebox under the bed?
Phoebe: Because that's what I did when I was getting married.
Monica: Really? You wanna know what I did? I made eight different copies of my vows, and kept each one at ten feet away in a red box marked "Monica's Vows" that has a black ribbon on it.
(Rachel and Phoebe look at her crazy)
Rachel: Really, oh I'm sure Chandler couldn't find 'em.
Phoebe: Let's see. (she opens the box and takes out some stuff…magazines, papers, files but no vows) Ugh, this man is a sick, sick man.
Rachel: Ok, y'know what you guys? Maybe I should just write my own vows.
Phoebe: (gasps) Write your own vows? What is this, the '80s?
Rachel: I just don't feel good about snooping in on my fiancé's stuff, especially ten days before the wedding. It just…it doesn't feel right.
Monica: Who said it should?
Rachel: Wha—two minutes ago, you were complete unsupportive of this idea!
Monica: Well, it comes and goes; I wouldn't trust it.
Phoebe: Ok, there's no hope of finding the vows.
Monica: Look, maybe we're looking in all the places where the vows could be hidden.
Rachel: Really? Oh glad you made that clear to us, Mon.
Monica: What I'm saying is, I know my brother. He's smart, alright? And, ordinarily, he would hide something needed to be hidden in a place where it's so difficult to find. But he must've figured out in advance that we would be looking there so he just hid the vows in an ordinary place, somewhere we don't look because we're certain it can't be there 'cause it's such a revealing place.
(Rachel and Phoebe are silent, looking at her sleepy)
Rachel: Ok, seriously Mon, did not understand a word you just said.
Monica: Like, the kitchen! (She walks out of the room)
Rachel: The kitchen?
Phoebe: Aha! He knows we're gonna be hungry and we're gonna eat someday! Ooh, good revelation, Pheebs!
Monica: I'm not kidding.
(Cut to the kitchen. The girls are entering, Monica first)
Monica: Ok, now where's the last place you would look for, if you want to find some vows?
Phoebe: Some place ten feet away in a red box that has a black ribbon on it.
Monica: In a kitchen!
Rachel: The fridge. (She opens the fridge, looks in it then closes it) Nothing.
Monica: Ok, but he could hide it in an item that it's in the fridge. (They both look at her funny again.) Ok, y'know what, it feels like I'm talking to Lassie!
Phoebe: No, no, I see what you mean. Like in a milk carton.
Monica: Or a Yummy Bear (box).
Rachel: Maybe in a place far, far away from here.
Phoebe: Grocery bag.
Monica: Frozen pizza box.
Phoebe: Cake box.
Monica: (turning competitive) Juice box!
Phoebe: Ice tray!
(Before Monica could say something else, the girls pause in agreement.)
Monica: Ice tray, I like that. Rach?
(Rachel opens the fridge and takes out the ice tray)
Rachel: Nothing.
Phoebe: Try under the ice tray.
(Rachel looks and takes out an envelope)
Rachel: Oh my god that's it! This is it! We found it, I found it, found it! Good job, Pheebs.
Monica: (to Phoebe in disgust) Nice work.
Phoebe: (in a serious tone) Thank you. I'll see you in the next round, gladiator.
Monica: Rach, open it! Open the envelope.
(Rachel does so and takes out a small piece of paper)
Rachel: Wha--?
Phoebe: That's it? That's all he's gonna say at the wedding? Phew, I feel bad for the bride.
Rachel: No, that can't be.
Monica: What does it say?
Rachel: (reading) "Dear honey, you really think I would keep my vows in the apartment? Luv ya" Ugh!
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Aw.
Rachel: God, I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him…… Oh, look, he drew me a smiley face and a heart, aw I love him!
Phoebe: Here come the waterworks.
Rachel: (in tears) I don't know why! It's so thoughtful…!
Monica: Come 'ere. (She hugs Rachel while Phoebe walks away in disgust)
(Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment; time lapse. The guys are entering, Ross first.)
Chandler: I can't believe you still haven't written your vows yet!
Joey: Yeah, man, I mean the wedding's in like ten days.
Chandler: Look at that! Even Joey's starting to make sense!
Ross: Look, you guys, I tried alright? It's just so hard. I mean, I'm a professor. I'm supposed to be good at this, y'know, good at expressing my feelings and emotions very well.
Chandler: Right, because in class, all you do is cry, show a happy face or whine.
Ross: What…do I do?
Joey: Maybe you can steal Rachel's vows.
(Ross and Chandler are silent, and they nod in agreement)
Ross: Oh my god Joey you're a genius!
Chandler: What is happening to the world today?
Joey: Let's start looking…
Chandler: Ooh, maybe she's hidden them in the bedroom!
(The guys run to the bedroom to seek for Rachel's supposedly written wedding vows)
……………………………………………………
To Be Continued.
This was longer than usual, eh? Hehe, hope u liked this and I really hope u review me, plzz. The next chapter will be half-of-it about the guys' looking for Rachel's vows and the other half…I'll leave it as a surprise.
Next Chapter: Chapter 14 is POSSIBLY the one before the last one too bad. When I first started this fanfic I never meant to make it past 5 chapters! Can u believe that? Now im in 14 (which is in the works) wow… (chapter 15 or 16 will be the last…still not sure)
Please review this Chapter and tell me what I could do to make this a better fic, one that would make you keep checking in for more. Thank u SOOOO much. . . –peace & love