It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.
My heart wasn't strong enough…
Holding on by a thread – Lavi's POV
I could feel it slipping away from me, like water through my hands. I gripped to it, trying to keep hold of it, but it slid between my fingers, out of my grasp. Only a few drops remained. My life was fading away, and I could feel it.
This wasn't as painful as it could have been. Not yet, at least. I was still half asleep, in an unconscious state, drifting along through nothingness, not knowing what was up and what was down – what was life and what was death. I knew what was happening and what had happened, though, and I wasn't happy with either.
I remembered how I had come to this state. It had been through that treacherous battle that I had been dragged into. I had been fighting well at first, but bit-by-bit, the battle had torn me apart until there was hardly anything left. After a while, I wasn't even fighting. I was merely trying to survive. My weapons were wrecked, my body was broken, and there was nothing more I could do for the fight.
I had turned around to see Lenalee, unable to stand, in the middle of everything. That's when one of those damn Noah had aimed their attack at her. There wasn't anything I could do on defense at this point, let alone much I could do at all. Yet somehow I knew I couldn't let her die.
I had known Lenalee for several years now. She had been there since I had joined the Order, always so polite and sweet. A supportive friend who was never afraid to show you her heart or her feelings. I envied that of her. Then again, I wasn't meant to have a heart or feelings to show. I was a bookman. I was to watch silently from the sidelines, watching time move, but never move with it.
What a load of crap. I had been fooling myself, thinking I could stick to that rule. It made dying easier, though, knowing that I didn't have anything left in life anyway. Obviously, I was a failure as a bookman. In the last moments of life, I had acted on feelings – something I was forbidden from – rather than what was best.
What I should have done when I saw the Noah going after her was to watch and make a mental note of it so I could write it up later. Instead, I had jumped in front of her. Why, you might ask? Because I'm stupid.
As I saw that attack speeding towards her, I suddenly knew that I couldn't let her die. I supposed I had known this all along, but it was stronger than ever. I had always felt something for Lenalee – the urge to make her smile, the need to protect her – but I had never felt it as strong as I did then.
Then there was also the fact that she had something to live for and I didn't. She had a purpose and I didn't. She was the real exorcist who had the power to protect people. She had a family she had to return to. She had friends that she made happy who would be devastated to lose her. I could have had any of those, but I never allowed myself to go beyond the life of a bookman. As it should have been. Now, as I was dying, I saw all those times avoiding calling Allen, Kanda, Miranda, Krory, or the others 'friends' a waste of time, seeing as I was dying out of forbidden feelings anyway.
So I had leapt in front of her, taken the attack, and felt the life being knocked out of me. At least I got to see her face once more before I died. Her beautiful, porcelain face. Even after I lost my sight, I could hear her calling my name. It had almost been as if she cared if I lived or died. That was a nice thing to take with me as I left. At least I had one sweet memory I could take from this life and hold with me. That was all I really needed. It was more than enough.
It would have been nice, though, if I could have seen her smile…just one last time.