It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.
My heart wasn't strong enough…
Wakening – Lenalee's POV
I haven't the slightest idea why it was so important for me to see Lavi. I should have been just as concerned about everyone else, but I hadn't even asked what their fates had been yet. All I knew right now if how I had felt when Lavi had gone cold on top of me, how I was feeling knowing that he could die without my ever seeing him again, and how it would feel to never see his goofy grin light up his face.
I threw myself through the doors to his room. He was lying in his bed, pale as a ghost and wrapped almost entirely in bandages. I ran to his side, pulling a chair to the edge of his bed.
Somehow, his face seemed peaceful. His eyes were shut gently and his mouth was slightly open. I saw his chest moving up and down and knew he was breathing. I took one of his large hands in mine, almost letting go after seeing hold cold it was. With my other hand I reached out to touch his face, which was just as freezing. My fingers traced his pale cheek before tangling through his red mess of hair. I played with the thick strands, remembering back when my hair was long and he had played with it when we rode the trains to our next mission. I remembered how I would pull away from him, swatting his hands off. He would smirk and laugh as always, finding my irritation amusing. As I thought back to simple things like this I realized that in my mind, I had already lost him.
I held his hand to my face with both of mine, squeezing it tightly as if refusing to let him go. I couldn't lose him now. I had known him for so long…. We were friends, weren't we? We were comrades. If he died…
I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and they slipped down my cheek and onto his hand. It was almost at this same moment that his eye flickered open. He seemed to be in a daze at first, but finally he focused, turning his gaze to me. His fingers wiped away my tear, and he smiled at me. This smile wasn't very comforting. It was a smile of defeat – I could tell that he, too, had given up. I just held on tighter.
"Lenalee, you're killing my hand," he murmured in a light, distant voice.
"I'm hardly holding on at all," I said in practically a whisper.
"I'm not in the strongest state right now."
No, he certainly wasn't. He looked fragile – more fragile than I had ever seen him before. It was as if he smiled again, his face would surely fall apart. His voice was soft and tired. This wasn't the usual, bright and cheery Lavi I wanted to wake up to me. Hopefully he would regain his strength. He couldn't stay like this forever. Not unless he was ready to give up. He couldn't do that, though, could he?
"I'm still alive, huh?" he asked, mostly to himself. "Miracles do happen, even if they don't last for long."
"Don't say that," I pleaded, placing his hand back by his side, though not letting go. "If you give up now, you'll…you'll…"
"I already am," he answered solemnly.
No. This wasn't my Lavi. He couldn't be giving up this easily. My Lavi was energetic and determined. He was strong and optimistic. Or was that Lavi fake? Was this the real Lavi? Was my Lavi just a front he put on as a bookman?
I couldn't help it – I burst out into another round of sobs.