It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.
My heart wasn't strong enough…
Alive – Lavi's POV
I didn't know how, but I was alive.
It was as if I had been wishing for death – there was nothing left to live for and I'd die eventually, anyway. I was almost disappointed when I woke up.
It didn't help that the first thing I saw was Lenalee sobbing at my bedside, begging me not to die. As if it would make a difference to her.
She had Allen, right? What would it matter if I died? He was all she really needed. He was all she'd ever really need. I was a simple bookman. I could offer her nothing and I never could. She was wasting her time and energy crying for me – worrying for me. I was already dead.
Then again, how could I die if I was never alive?
My body felt brittle, like if I moved it, it would fall to pieces. I had never felt so breakable before. I cringed as I tried to move, to take my hand from hers. My efforts were in vain. I'm sure she didn't even notice.
"Lenalee," I called in a pleading voice. "Stop crying, will you?"
She shook her head, finally releasing my hand to wipe away her tears. "I c-can't help it, Lavi! I just can't stand the thought of you dying! Not like this! Not for me!"
I sighed, closing my eyes again. I knew that if I said anything, it would probably just come out as the solid, unavoidable truth – I was going to die, and it didn't make a difference. What I wanted to say, though, was something to comfort her, which was probably the stupidest urge I should be feeling at the moment. I was dying, and all I was concerned about was getting those damn tears out of her eyes, just so I could see her smile again. I wasn't entirely sure if that was selfish or not.
What would it matter if I said what I was thinking, or what I wanted her to be thinking? The end would be the same either way. She would probably cry when I died – on Allen's shoulder, perhaps – and then after a week or so I start becoming nothing but a memory. Soon enough, I'd be forgotten. It was a waste of time for her to cry like this.
I tried to sit up, but I felt such a strong pain in my chest that I fell right back down with a wince. What a way to go – stuck in a hospital bed, just waiting for death to take you.
"Lavi!" Lenalee cried, leaning forward, her hands on my shoulders. "Are you all right? You look like you're hurt!"
"What kind of thing is that to say when I'm in this state?" I asked, trying to make a joke. She seemed to take it seriously, though, and sat back down, placing her hands in her lap, muttering an apology.
I wanted to laugh at how silly she was being, but it hurt to even try. I was sure that even I did manage to laugh it would sound unnatural and forced, which was sure to only add to her worries. Not that I should care how she felt. I was just a bookman, right?
"Excuse me," a doctor called from the doorway. "Miss Lee, would you mind stepping out for a bit so I can talk to the patient?"
She shook her head. "No, not at all." She didn't look sincere, though. As she turned back to face me, I saw worry in her eyes. It was as if she thought I would die if she left the room for even a second.
"Go on, Lenalee."
She leaned over, pushing back my mess of hair to plant a quick kiss on my forehead. "Get better, Lavi. I'll be back soon."
All I managed was a nod as she turned and walked to the door. She paused in the doorway, though, and turned around, adding, "I'll see you later."
I couldn't lie, I wasn't sure if I would or not. "Bye."