It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.
My heart wasn't strong enough…
Worry – Lenalee's POV
As I shut the door behind me, I felt a strong, icy shiver creep up my spine and through my body, shaking me all over. I wrapped my arms around my trembling body, blinking back the last of my tears.
Lavi wasn't in a good physical state and, sure, that worried me. It was his mental state that scared me the most, though. I could tell that he had already given up on life, and he was sure he was going to die. What if he were wrong, though? What if there was a chance he could live and he didn't fight back against death? What if he died when he was meant to live, just because he had given up? I leaned against the door, slumping down into a sitting position against it. Somehow, my legs were feeling weak again, and that had nothing to do with the battle. The battle that seemed like it had been years ago, that is. Right now, the only thing I could think about was Lavi.
He had changed so much in such a short amount of time, and I was afraid there was no way to bring back the old Lavi, the determined, strong, and cheerful Lavi. The question that kept rising in my mind was if that were really him or not, though. Was that just another one of his disguises to match his new, 49th alias? I didn't want to believe it was. How could someone put on a front like that for so long? I suppose if it were his 49th time, it would be second nature to him. But if all those versions of him were fake, who was the real him? If he kept acting defeated like this, I was sure I'd never find out.
I shut my watering eyes, concentrating as hard as I could to remember what it was about Lavi that made him so important to my life. Every smile he had shot me had lightened my mood, no matter how down I was. The sound of his laugher had been like music to my ears. He was so kind and playful, but yet he also held back so much. Being a bookman, he was afraid to let people in. Just as he began to open up, just as we began to get closer, he would pull back into his shell, where I couldn't reach him.
Faint voices coming from being the door I was resting against came to me. I pressed my ear against it, listening closely.
I could hardly make out any of the voices, especially Lavi's, which was so weak and nearly inaudible. The doctor's was low and gruff, and it carried over to me pretty well. I was able to make out enough words to make sense of the conversation. When I had, I almost wished I hadn't.
I leapt to my feet, running away as fast as my weak legs would carry me. I didn't know where I was going or what I planned to do, I just needed to get away from that door.
Operation…tomorrow…. That's what the doctor had said. I could hardly believe it. Another shiver erupted, shaking through my body. I gripped onto the windowsill in front of me, praying in my mind that I had heard wrong. Lavi wasn't strong enough for an operation. He wouldn't make it out. Not in this physical and mental state. He wouldn't make it.
Lavi wasn't going to make it. This terrible truth blew my mind away, and I felt like I was going to slip away with him. This couldn't happen. I couldn't let him vanish from my life like that. Not because of me. Not because he had been protecting me.
I would rather have died myself than to let this happen.
I remembered when he had leapt in front of me and I had felt him go cold underneath my hands. The memory was so vivid that I could practically feel the warmth of his blood on my hands as I thought about it. I found it was hard to breathe, that was I gasping for air, and allowed my legs to fail me once more. I slumped onto the ground, leaning my dizzy head against the cool wall, and allowing my eyes to drift shut. That didn't help, though.
Life without Lavi was something I couldn't imagine. Going on missions without the funny, sarcastic bookman there standing next to me would be so strange. I don't think I'd ever get used to it. I knew I wouldn't be alone if he were gone – I had plenty of other friends. But Lavi brought something different to my life, and I wasn't sure what I'd do without it. He'd never know what he meant to me, or how thankful I was for everything he had done.
Unless I told him right now, that is.
I took a deep breath, pulling myself to my feet as I rushed back to his room as fast as I could.