.

It was something I had been fighting all along, spreading through my body like a disease, taking me over piece by piece. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough.

My heart wasn't strong enough…

Dying Alone – Lavi's POV

I shut my eyes. Here it comes. Finally. What took so long?

I lay down, waiting. The doctor would be here in ten minutes, and the operation would begin. At last, I would be part of the fate I was supposed to have fulfilled the other day, during the battle. I was supposed to have died then. It was about time I got this over with. This had been dragged out long enough.

I shut my eyes, embracing death, urging it forward to come over me and to cover me, like a blanket, blocking me out from the lights of life, so that I would never be blinded by their overwhelming glows ever again.

It had been too much. Everything had always been too much. I had lived as a bookman for so long, and yet lately, it had been so hard. Each day had been a chore for me, really. It was impossible to keep living this way. Being whisked away like this was like taking a breath of fresh air.

When had it become so hard to live the restricted life of a bookman? It used to come naturally to me. Sure, there were times when it became bothersome, but that was true to any job. This feeling I had had recently, as if it were impossible to follow the rules any longer, was not something average. Where had it come from? When had it started?

I laughed darkly. What difference should it make if I was going to die in a moment? I would have all of eternity to think up a reason…after I had died.

That's right. Soon, all the pain, physical and emotional, would be gone. I would be free from these chains.

An image flashed so quickly through my mind that I didn't even know where it came from. My memory quickly reminded me of my recent encounter with Lenalee.

I laughed again, ignoring the sharp pain I felt in my chest as I did. Her feelings didn't make a difference to me. I was already gone. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Lavi, I love you!"

You'd forget that soon enough. So would I. We were taking different paths now, and what you had said didn't matter at this point. I was already long gone by then. Then again, had I ever been with you, really?

Lenalee had always been far away, even before I began dying. Becoming close to her – even friends with her – was strictly forbidden. It had been impossible.

Perhaps that was why it was so hard for me to follow the rules of a bookman. I had gradually become attached to Lenalee, and the feelings I had developed for her were thwarting my job as a bookman.

By the time I had jumped in front of her, during that bloody, final battle, I had already known I had lost. I was a failure as a bookman – because I had given into love.

That emotion, to a bookman, was almost as bad as my slow death at this very moment. Just like this, love crept up on me from behind, slowly planting itself into my body, though I didn't notice it at first. Piece by piece, it broke me down from the inside, taking me over so that I had no control over my emotions, then thoughts, then actions. I had tried to fight it, but I wasn't strong enough. My heart hadn't been strong enough.

I was dying, though, so I would win. I would leave my broken heart and body behind and move on. None of this mattered anymore. None of it.

I thought of Lenalee again and again, even though I wasn't doing so willingly. She just kept popping into my mind, reminding me of what I was leaving behind.

Why hadn't I died before, when I was meant to? It would be much easier if I had just died then.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to die then, though.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to die.

Had the fact that I hadn't died immediately been a sign? Did I really stand a chance? If I wanted to live, could I?

Was it worth it?

Should I bother?

"Lavi!" the doctor called. "Are you ready, son?"

I glanced up, feeling myself sinking back into the world. I had been living in my mind for so long, avoiding everything outside of it.

I wasn't exactly sure what was coming next for me, but I nodded weakly to him. "Sure."

Author's notes: This story sure is angsty…man…(laughs) Well, next one's the last one!