Fair warning for common perverseness, but I'm sure you already expect that.
"Yo, Kagura I'm gonna talk to you for a sec….", Tomo called.
Kagura sighed and mumbled those familiar words to herself. "Whether you like it or not…"
"…whether you like it or not!'
Kagura head hit the desk and she groaned. Gods almighty, Tomo was more than just a handful; she was a predictable handful. Yet, she had already promised to listen to the girl's problems whenever she had one, so she assented to the therapy session, at least that's what she thought it was going to be.
Tomo sat down in the chair next to Kagura's and sighed extravagantly. Kagura cocked an eyebrow and Tomo repeated the gesture. Kagura stayed silent and stared.
"I SAID…..", Tomo sighed again, this time far louder and more exaggerated.
"Ok, Tomo…what the heck is wrong now?", Kagura asked in an overly smarmy manner.
"Kagura, it's almost Christmas!", Tomo whined.
"By The Great Beast's left hoof! You are correct!", Kagura gasped, standing up and pulling a small vial of ram's blood from her skirt pocket, dipping her finger in it and sketching a quick inverted pentagram on her forehead before sitting back down.
Tomo, seemingly used to Kagura's random Satanic outbursts, continued where she had left off.
"I need to buy Yomi something…so I came to you."
"Me? Me of all people!? Why the hell!? You know I'm just going to suggest a goblet of virgin's blood or a compendium of blasphemous spells! I'm no good at buying presents for non-believers!", Kagura ranted.
"Yeah, but I'm sure you can come up with SOMETHING!"
"Why don't you just ASK Yomi?"
"What she was asking for…geesh!", Tomo assented with a wave of her hand.
--
"Hey Yomi, if you could have anything for Christmas, what would you want?"
"Tomo, you know what I'd want…"
Tomo blushed. Did she mean….No, never, ever, ever!!
"Well..tell me anyway!", Tomo said.
"Fine…I'd want the Hadron Collider, of course."
"That what-zit?"
"The Hadron Collider. It's a particle accelerator."
"O-kay…."
"Maybe something a little more…realistic?"
"Ok, fine….then just an MeV Van de Graaff.
--
"…she wanted to make black holes all by herself.", Tomo huffed, obviously feeling quite distressed over said issue. Kagura wasn't too surprised though; what better way to explore the universe and encounter trans-dimensional beings? Yomi was smart enough…right?
"Then again,", Kagura countered. "You did ask her what she would want if she could have anything for Christmas.", after saying the final word she anointed herself with more ram's blood to burn away the purity.
"Right..right…", Tomo assented. "I guess I should have asked her what I could get that I didn't have to lift from a foreign government agency."
"I mean….", Kagura sighed. Sometimes talking to Tomo was like a never ending root canal. "Ok, I'll help you. I mean, why don't you go out and just get Yomi something you know she would enjoy?"
"Kagura, you raging bitch of knowledge! You may have a point there!"
"Ave Satanis.", Kagura said with a proud nod.
"Meet me at the station this weekend! We have acres of stores to go to!", Tomo called, walking off with a shit-eating grin on her face.
"But, Tomo that's when I….", she stopped with a sigh. "Oh well, I guess I'll have to bring my animal sacrifices with me."
Moments later, her thoughts of skinned cow skulls were interrupted by Yomi plopping herself down in the chair where Tomo had been only minutes before.
"Kagura, I need help..err…finding a Christmas present for Tomo."
'This is the fucking Twilight Zone; I swear..', Kagura thought.
"Look, I'll help you out; just don't ask for any Hadron bosons or whatever.", Kagura made a dismissive hand gesture.
"The God particle?", Yomi questioned. "You speak of the universal axioms!!"
"Err….", Kagura was caught between a rock and a hard place. Well, more like a polycarbonate desk and a slightly-chubby spectacled adolescent.
"Wait…how the heck do you know about my plots!?", Yomi asked, her eyes giving 'the death stare'!
"TOMO IS LOUD!! REALLY FUCKING LOUD!!", Kagura answered all too loudly herself, waving her hands before her. She had never been so horrified in her life. Even the Great Prince Belial was naught to the gaze Yomi was penetrating her soul with.
"Quite….", Yomi assented with a nod. "Though…I never know what to get Tomo. She can be so difficult to buy for."
"Just…get her something you know she would like…", Kagura answered hesitantly; fearful of meeting that Phleglethon-dipped gaze once more. She wondered how Tomo ever dealt with such a soul-shredding look.
'Oh, that's right. Tomo has no soul….'
"Right…right.", Yomi nodded in agreement, standing and exiting the premises.
Kagura was glad. So glad she was half a hair's breadth away from doing naked cartwheels about the room.
--
Tomo finally we able to get Yomi's 'Time Machine' to work; but it only sent time forward to the weekend, not 3155 as had been planned. Oh well! It was time to shop with Kagura! Whoopie!
'Piss! I'm late!', Tomo thought; rushing out of Yomi's house and leaving her there in her catatonic stupor.
Fortunately for the excitable girl, she had the forethought to wear her Rocket Shoes for the time travel experiment. Thusly, pushing a recessed button on the side of the sole, small jets popped from the rear of the sneaker and with just a small step she was off like a retired Concord!
--
As is with time travel; only those within or touching the machine will stay in the same place. Kagura, on the other hand, zipped through the days like molten gristle. So now we join her standing in the shopping sector, awaiting Tomo's arrival.
"Dammit Tomo….she probably off playing tongue games with Yomi…", Kagra sighed in desperation.
"Tongue what?", came a quizzical voice from behind Kagura, nearly casing her to choke to death on her own saliva. She turned to see that it was the one, the only, Tomo Takino.
"TOMO!? When the hell did you get here!?", she asked.
"Oh, just a second ago.", Tomo answered and then lifted one of her feet. "Rocket shoes!"
Kagura nodded slowly. She had heard of such diabolical creations. They were supposed to be illegal!
"By the unholy breath of Lucifer! You are such a cavalier!", Kagura declared, aghast.
"Well….no crap.", Tomo responded, shifting her gaze around the area.
"Lead the way, Tomo.", Kagura assented.
It could have been predicted by even the most sour of soothsayers, the most peerless of the prophets, the most mindless of magicians. Tomo, indeed, did head straight for the local sex shop.
'Dr. Dong's', the sign read.
Alas, Kagura stopped her mere inches from the entrance.
"We are NOT going to the sex shop!"
"Awww! C'mon!"
"NO!", Kagura commanded.
"Then can we go to the cigar shop?"
"NO!!", Kagura screamed.
"Ok, then how about the sex shop?"
"Fine, I mean NO!!", Kagura quickly corrected herself, but Tomo had already made her way inside…
To save on the possible disillusionment of many young readers, we will skip ahead over the atrocities they saw within.
Fifteen minutes later….
The two girls wandered out of the sex shop, their eyes wide as saucers and their jaws slung open in a horrible mirror of a certain lecherous teacher.
"I will never….", Kagura began.
"Have sex….", Tomo continued.
"EVER!", came the chorus.
Little did she know that Kagura secret purchased a book for her own…perusement, titled: 'The Ins-and-Outs of the In-and-Out'. Now, Kagura is not a pervert, just…curious, is all!
From there they moved on. They were deeply engrossed in finding Tomo the absolute perfect present for Yomi that didn't include hopping a boarder fence.
"Tomo, do you even have any idea what Yomi would want? I mean, I really don't think she would have appreciated that fat suit."
"It would have been funny! But…anyhow…Of course I know what Yomi likes! I know everything about her; even where and when she shaves!"
"Eww…."
"Don't ridicule my knowledge!"
Kagura sighed. She wondered how the heck these two could even stand one another. How the heck did they even MEET one another? Thusly Kagura, using her superior deductive powers, decided to ask said question to Tomo.
"It was in grade school and our class was trapped in the desert by a whirling sandstorm! The rest of the class was in a panic, but was I? Of course not! Tomo Takino doesn't panic! She waits for the right moment….and then strikes! So, here I was refitting the tires on the bus with sticks and chewed bubble gum when this little girl with glasses walked up to me. "Oh, Tomo! You're so brave!", she said with her voice just dripping admiration. "It's ok.", I responded. "It's my JOB to be brave!" So with my creative skills we were able to escape the desert just before the Mongol raiders were set to capture us and make us their slaves! Me and Yomi have been together ever since.
Tomo stood proudly. Almost too proudly.
"Tomo..", Kagura said. "That was the most massive pile of bullshit I've ever heard."
"Fine then.", Tomo shrugged. "Next time you're stuck in a desert, I'll just leave you there for the Mongols to take away."
Together they entered a music shop owned by some man they were sure had killed someone for he gave every customer the 'Thousand-Yard Stare'. They snuck past his radar, as they were wont to do every time and headed towards the racks of music.
"Ok..well what kind of music does Yomi like?"
"Oh, you know…that Kenny G guy and his….Ooo!! New Fat Chicks' album! Hahah!! 'Man the Harpoons'!"
Kagura sighed and wandered away from Tomo; who was now giggling furiously at the new Seal Clubber's album 'Let's Go Clubbin'. Kagura sure as hell did NOT enjoy being part of this search for gifts. She wished to Satan to be allowed to leave. Thusly, when Tomo began chuckling at the new film '420: Spartans on Weed' she decided to book it as fast as possible.
Exiting the store onto the street, she spotted Yomi mulling about aimlessly across the street.
"OH YOMI!!", Kagura cried, hopping across the tops of cars and a few buses to make it to the other side. "SAVE ME FROM THIS HORROR!!"
"Ah! Kagura, it seems you are out as well.", Yomi grinned a needlessly malicious grin.
Kagura almost fell off the roof of a cab she was stepping upon, but caught her footing just in time. By gods…she never felt comfortable around Yomi. Not at all.
"Yeah..well..err…", Kagura droned.
"Yeah, I came today because it seemed every other day Tomo wanted me to be on top of her."
"What?"
"Hang out."
"Oh…right…"
From there they together decided it would be best to continue their conversation with one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind and have lunch on the moon. Don't ask questions; you truly do not want to know how atrocious the path to there is!
As she nibbled on her Moon Cheese, Kagura spoke up and mentioned Tomo's story from earlier.
"Are you kidding me?", Yomi responded. "Did she tell the one about the volcano of lightning?"
"…No.", Kagura answered, but she made sure to post a mental note to ask Tomo about that later.
"Well, let me tell you how we REALLY met…."
Thusly, Yomi went on; recounting the exact same story Tomo had told. Right down to Yomi's admiration of Tomo's bravery. Kagura was stricken! Tomo could actually tell the truth! BY GODS!
"Kagura…are you ok? You know, if you keep your mouth open like that you might catch Moon Worms."
"Oh..right…", Kagura reattached her lower jaw and finished her Lunar Stew.
'Mmmm..rocks.'
As they left the Moon and headed back to Earth; Kagura had a thought. As absurd as the story was, that meant Tomo and Yomi trusted her with said information about themselves. How quaint! Oh, to have such non-believer friends! She never knew it would be so glorious!
When they had returned from whence they originally left, they spotted Tomo exiting the music store. Tomo spotted both of them and literally flew across the street to meet them. And I do mean literally…..in the air..and stuff.
"Lookie what I found in there, Kagura!", Tomo said, holding up a DVD reading 'Cars Hitting Old People!'
"Tomo….you're so simple.", Kagura sighed.
"Can't be helped!", she responded with a wink before grabbing hold of Yomi's arm and tugging her away; the entire time blabbing about how cool her present was going to be.
Kagura turned away for just a moment and when she turned back the two were gone. She was flabbergasted at first, but then she recalled…..Tomo's Rocket Shoes!
"What a bitch..", she bemoaned and made her slow path to what she telepathically knew their final destination would be: Yomi's house. Do not ask how or why she knew this; such questions only lead to….trouble…
Kagura did manage to locate Yomi's house through her mental GPS. She hid behind a few bushes and peered up at Yomi's room to spy upon what was developing within….Heck, if she was lucky she might be able to catch some lezzing out!
Up in Yomi's room, the situation was quite different. Tomo handed Yomi her present with not less than a few chuckles.
"Aww…'667: The Neighbor of the Beast'! You always know what I want!", Yomi giggled happily as she held the new book.
Tomo bounced impatiently on the bed.
"So, where's my gift!?"
"I'll be back in a sec.", Yomi said with a slightly lusty grin plastered on her face.
Tomo couldn't wait! Oh, what would it be!? A spaceship? A cowboy!? AUNT JEMIMA!?
Yomi came back, leading a very familiar man by the hand.
"Oh, Tomo…", she chided in a singsong voice.
"THIS is my gift!?", Tomo asked, aghast.
"Of course!"
"OH YOMI!!", she cried out, hugging her friend tightly.
"No problem. I knew you always wanted one of your own."
Down below, Kagura was a bit…put off by the present….but shrugged. People were odd; especially those two. So, Kagura walked away into the night; content that at least those two were happy.
And a cry broke the silence.
"FALCON PUUNNNCCHHHH!!"
Ah! The sounds of Christmas!
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