Right before Thanksgiving Chuck finally finished making all the calls to the distant family that had been bothering him since Lucy's funeral. He told them all the same things, that he was doing fine and that he wouldn't be coming down to visit for the holidays. What Chuck needed was more time alone.
He had gone back to work almost a week after the funeral, everyone counting Gary was suspired to see him back so soon. Even Phil pulled Chuck aside and told him that he would understand if he needed more time. Instead Chuck acted as though nothing was wrong and buried himself in his work. At first Gary tried talking to him, saying that shutting everyone out wasn't the answer. But all Chuck could do now was work and pretend that this awful biting pain in his heart would one day go away…
His days were usually the same routine now. He got up at six, showered, got coffee and went to work. Most of the time he would take lunch with Gary and Marissa. He would drink a few beers and then go back home where he would drink some more and pass out in front of the TV watching the Bulls play. On the weekends he either played racket ball with Gary or went to the gym. He closed himself off from everything else on the outside and didn't speak to Lucy's parents at all.
Months past and the seasons slowly began to change.
Lucy was still dead.
He often visited the cemetery by himself, usually on a Sunday. He would often just stand by her grave, looking down at the beautiful marble headstone and just think. Buried underneath there was his beautiful wife…his beautiful wife he let die.
He didn't dare part with any of her things. Her clothes, her jewelry, her photographs…everything he decided to box away in self storage. He packed everything away by himself and then locked it up…out of sight…out of mind.
He kept a few things, things that reminded him of her. Their albums, a few photographs of her, and her shawl she often threw over herself in bed. Gary had noticed one afternoon when they stopped by the apartment most of Lucy's things were missing. He asked Chuck if had given everything to good will. Chuck lied and said yes.
He cried, but only in private. Only when things really were bad. Often late at night he would wake up, sitting straight up in bed still half awake. There were nightmares, playing on a constant loop. Nightmares of Lucy under water struggling.
He would sit up in bed, blinking and looking around at the darkness of his bedroom. He would just sit there lightly sweating before he looked over at the other side of the bed.
Empty.
Lowering his head he would cry.
But now it was almost Thanksgiving. Hanging up the phone, Chuck thought of how that and Christmas were Lucy's favorite holidays. That last year they spent their Thanksgiving with Gary and Marcia. For Christmas they had gone up to the mountains to ski.
Thinking of all those nice memories he sighed and felt a faint aching in his chest. The last couple of months had been hard…in fact they had been awful.
Looking out the window of his apartment, down at the city below he saw the cold gray November sky.
Just then there was a knock on the door, Chuck got up and answered it.
It was Gary with two cups of coffee.
"I was in the neighborhood…wanted to see if you're up to taking a jog around the park?"
Chuck knew it was freezing outside, but simply smiled at his friend and let him in. A few minutes later after Gary had taken his coat off, the two sat across from each other in the living room drinking coffee.
"How you doing pal?"
Chuck stared at the carpet and shrugged.
"Guess it's finally setting in."
"What?"
"That this will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Lucy…"
Gary's brow wrinkled before he sighed.
"Hey man…it gets better, you just need to be around people. Marcia wants you over for Thanksgiving…she's making this big meal and I need somebody to watch the game with…come on!"
Chuck only faintly smiled before looking around the apartment.
"I need to move Gary…everywhere I turn I think of Lucy, it isn't good."
Gary took a sip of his coffee.
"I can help you look for a new place…shouldn't be that hard."
Chuck sighed before staring down at his coffee.
"You know…a guy like me…with a girl like her…never happens you know. I really didn't see how lucky I was until it was too late…"
"Chuck, it was an accident…you know that…"
Chuck simply shook his head before looking at Gary.
"Then why does it hurt so much?"
That morning the two of them decided to go jogging anyways. Chuck needed time to think and the harsh wind off the river hitting him in the face helped. Gary, who had much longer legs was in the lead. Chuck meanwhile dressed in sweats followed him, his heart racing. He was thinking back last year when Lucy got the cover shoot in London. He remembered coming home after a long day to see her curled up on the couch with her work. She was dressed in his Bull's jersey and lazily marking off photographs with a marker.
"Hey babe…"
Chuck remembered saying as he took his hat off, his back was killing him.
"How was your day?"
He asked as he began pulling his coat off. Lucy made the sweetest smile before she looked up at him.
"I got a cover shoot in London…"
Chuck's eyes widened with excitement, right away he raised his hand to give her a high-five.
"Cover shoot in London! Way to go kiddo!"
She laughed returning the high-five before he ran over to their stereo and turned it on. Soft jazz music played as he began dancing making her laugh. Going over to her, he took her hands and danced with her in the middle of the living room. They cracked up before he kissed her.
And everything was all right.
Those memories were all he had.
Lucy and him had only knew each other for a few years, half of which they were married. Chuck had no complaints about Lucy, she was beautiful, smart, and funny. Often he wondered how he ended up with such an amazing person. Back then he looked forward to his life with her…thinking they would grow old together. Lucy was everything to him…she gave him a happy marriage and a normal life.
Finally Gary and him stopped at the edge of the park, both gasping for air. Chuck looked up at the sky and saw that snow was coming soon.
"You okay?"
Chuck looked at Gary before waving his hand.
"Yeah…come on…"
Chuck started running before Gary caught up with him. Running, his thoughts seemed perfectly clear. He knew there really wasn't anything he could of done about Lucy. It was really just bad luck. He could wish all he wanted for her to be alive…but that just wasn't gonna happen. He had the most amazing woman love him…and then be taken away before he even saw how truly happy he was.
His wife was gone.
Feeling that faint ache start back in his chest, he told Gary he would buy the drinks if they stopped by the bar to warm up for a bit. A half an hour later there they were sitting at the table enjoying two tall glasses of beer and their company. When Gary got up to use the restroom, Chuck stares down at his wedding band.
He felt his heart break.
A few hours later he finally agreed to go over Gary's for the holiday. Coming back home he felt exhausted and wanted to spend the rest of the weekend alone in his warm apartment. Going into the bedroom to change, he thought of what he had said earlier about moving.
Would he really do it?
He knew he would have to.
Going back to the living room, he planned on cracking open a few bottles of beer and falling asleep in front of the TV. Running his hand through his hair he went to sit down when the doorbell rang.
Thinking Gary had forgotten something, Chuck walked over to the door and answered it.
A young man in his mid-twenties stood. Dressed in a three piece suit and heavy overcoat.
"Mr. Fishman?"
"Yes?"
The man held out a box.
"I'm Lloyd Marquette…from Marquette funeral home…my parents run…"
Right away the name clicked. Marquette funeral home was where Chuck had sent Lucy…in fact it was really Gary and Marcia who had made all the arrangements, but Marquette funeral home was where he got the bill. Lucy's funeral seemed like a complete blur…all Chuck remembered was making a complete scene and having to be sedated in the back room.
It was a nice enough funeral home, classy and old fashion. They had done a beautiful job on Lucy…
His thoughts broke up with terrible pain, remembering this made his heart ache even more. Looking at the young man he cleared his throat.
"Sorry…your from the funeral home?"
"Yes…my mother was cleaning the East wing viewing room when she came across this…she said she remembered you and wanted me to bring this over…"
He handed the small box to Chuck, the boy looked uncomfortable.
"She said it was stuck underneath the back tables, hadn't seen it until she started cleaning…"
Right away Chuck knew what this was, he stared down at the box.
"Thank you…"
The boy looked at him before slowly nodding and walking away. There was nothing really else to say. Chuck knew the boy's mother must of told him about the scene Chuck caused a few months ago. Closing the door almost in a dazed state he walked slowly into the living room and opened the box.
Lucy's ring sat there.
Chuck was suspired the Marquette's didn't just try to keep the ring, Chuck hadn't thought about it since the funeral. Looking down at it's beautiful sparking stone he felt weight in his chest.
He felt sick.
Slowly picking it up, he held it between his fingers and remembered when he surprised her with it. He remembered how nervous he was as she opened the tiny black box and how she squealed in delight once she saw it.
"Chuck it's beautiful! How on earth did you afford this!?"
Chuck remembered grinning and telling her nothing was too good for his girl.
Looking at his ring his face crumpled.
This was the ring that had killed her.
Right away before his eyes he remembered seeing her lifeless body floating in the pool. The ring meanwhile still at the bottom, sparking in tiny little rays. Holding the ring he thought what would of happened if he hadn't ever bought it. Surely she wouldn't have drowned. Who knows…she might very much be alive and with him right now.
Thinking about that he kept replaying what happened over and over again in his mind. How he tried so badly for her to wake up. Screaming her name and slapping her.
Silent tears rolled down his face before he began feeling as if a panic attack was coming on. Quickly he went into the bathroom and opened his medicine chest. Dropping bottles and different things into the sink with a crash, he finally found the bottle he was looking for. Quickly he took two pills and tried to breath.
Stumbling into the living room, he dropped onto the sofa and kept looking at the ring.
He knew he couldn't be alone, he was having a nervous breakdown. Crying out loud now, any balance he had gathered the last couple of months since Lucy had died were shattered. He cried and cried before his chest began hurting. He didn't want to bother Gary right now…
In fact he just wanted to die.
"Lucy!"
He cried out before he lowered his head.
An hour later he was asleep.
When he woke again, it was almost four in the morning. The lights in the living room were still on. Chuck blinked for a second before sitting up and rubbing his neck. He saw the ring was still in his hands.
Staring at it, with blank emotion…he thought of his beautiful wife.
"She's gone Chuck…"
He softly said to himself. Glancing up at the coffee table, he saw a framed photograph of them together. Arms around each other and laughing. Looking at the photo he knew he couldn't live like this anymore.
Getting up, he quickly dressed in warmer clothes and left his apartment.
He took the train, which was still running and noticed besides a homeless woman he was the only person there. A few minutes later he walked through the freezing cold night and into the cemetery. Holding his coat closed, he saw his breath come out in tiny little puffs. He walked through the darkened paths and finally found it.
He stood there for a second, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He then kneeled down.
"Hi baby…"
He said in a broken voice.
He brushed away a few fallen leafs that had gathered on the ground. He sat there saying nothing for awhile. The wind was blowing strong.
"Listen…I sure as hell didn't want things to turn out this way, in fact I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what happened. I…just wanted to let you know that for the time we had…I was happiest man alive."
He stared at the grave, fighting back tears.
"I wish I was with you…but I remember you always saying everything happens for a reason, I know if things were the other way around I would of wanted you to move on…get married again, start a family."
Chuck sat there in the darkness, the wind still howling behind him.
"I…guess what I'm trying to tell you is…I'll see you one day…I promise…until then could you please keep an eye out for me, even if you look in from time to time…it would sure make me feel better."
There was silence as Chuck then held up the ring.
"Here…why don't you hold onto these…"
He then pulled off his own wedding band before using his bare fingers to dig deep into the frozen ground. The soil was tough but he worked on it. He remembered his wedding day, how nervous he had was and how Gary had handed over his wedding band smiling. Yet again…another memory.
Feeling as though it was deep enough, Chuck put both of the rings into the tiny dark hole and then filed it up. Rubbing his numb hands against each other he stared at the grave again.
Then…he leaned over and gently kissed the headstone.
"I love you baby…I always will…"
Getting up, he still felt an aching in his heart, but it wasn't as bad. Standing there, stands in his pockets he looked down at the grave and remembered the beautiful wife he once had.
Just then…
A gentle hand rested on his shoulder for a second. The faint smell of flowers filled the air. Chuck just stood there, looking at the grave as the cold wind blew.
"Goodbye Lucy…"
He said, and then turned around to see nothing. Slowly walking home, it was nearly dawn by the time he reached his apartment. The second he got there he opened the phonebook and began looking for movers. He decided he would take Gary's offer and start looking for a new place.