SingMyLullabySweet666: Hello my lovely readers and thank you for being patient for my update…. At least I hope you were. It's been about five months and I know you are all mostly likely upset with me for not updating sooner but I was at after school rehearsals for Laramie Project and doing a project that's due in two weeks. However, Spring Break is almost here and I will be working hard to update all of my stories then… For now, please enjoy Chapter 11.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Yu Yu Hakusho but I do own Ms. Saiyuki and the baby even though I do not know his or her name. No song this time… Sorry.
Chapter Warning(s): Angst, swearing, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, slight gore.
Chapter Rating: M
Italics/thoughts
Bold/Change of POV and Title
Regular/story
Turning Tides
(Hiei's POV)
It's all I can do from tearing myself from the covers and running away, from him, from those monsters within him, from everything. I can't help it. I don't know what happened last night but…. I-I can't do that again. Those words, they have never been so cold, so emotionless before. It burned through my barrier and attacked my heart without mercy. I know it wasn't Kurama who was speaking, I know that…. Damn it! What the hell went wrong? Everything was going fine until that fox came out and after that all went to hell. He stared at me as if I was nothing more than a toy; spoke to me like I was lower than filth. His eyes…. So cold….. So empty. It was like staring at a void that could swallow you up if you stared to long. For once, since the beatings, I was afraid. Frightened for my life, for my child….. I thought he would have killed me if Shuchi hadn't intervened. I've never seen Youko lose control like that and truthfully, I hope it never happens again. Cause if it does, I don't think one of us will make it out alive.
Sighing, I slowly sit up and look down at him, my eyes calculating every move, every twitch his muscular body makes. Sometimes I don't know why I let him overpower me, why I let him beat me but something inside me couldn't fight back. Something in me said that I deserved the pain and the self-loathing. I wish I could kill whatever was inside me that had said that. Alas, I can't.
Moving ever so slowly, I climb out of the oversized bed and shiver as my feet met the cold wooden flooring of my bedroom. I use my arms to push me up and cringe as Shuichi rolled over in the bed, moaning once before falling silent once more. A puff of relief left my chest and I tipped toed out of the room, wondering the whole way why I was so scared to make a sound. Was it because of last night? Was I really that afraid of the one I vowed my life to? Was it that ,or was it something different, an old reaction of old ways, an old habit? I wish I had the answer to that.
Creeping down the hall, I walked and into the guest bedroom I sighed once more, from what, I didn't have a clue. I guess I was just glad that I hadn't wakened the beast, the bastard that had caused me so much pain in my life. Then again, what right do I have to call him a bastard. I let him do this to me. I let him hold me down and kick the living shit out of me. I let him hit me and rape me…. Though you can't call it that, I am his mate after all. I'm supposed to give him what he wants no matter how much I hate it and despise it. I'm supposed to submit. That's my job. That's my miserable life.
Looking up into the large mirror on the other side of the room, I cringe at the handprint that deemed itself worthy of marring my face. Over the night it had begun to turn a hard blackish-blue with blots of angry red. Unconsciously, I reached a hand up and touched the bruise not caring that a sting of pain washed over my cheek. Once more, the rush of anger and hatred washed over me like a tidal wave and I felt myself overflowing. I had to do something, anything to get rid of this anger, this rage. The only way I saw fit was teach that piece of shit in the other room a lesson.
Without realizing what I was doing, I grabbed the belt from the chair next to me and stormed out of the room. Stomping down the hall, I reached my room. My breaths were coming in pants of rage and hate, my eyes dilated to the size of a pen tip, and my hand clenched the weapon so hard that my knuckles began to turn white. A growl tore from my lips and before I knew what was happening, I had thrown open the door and locked eyes with a startled Kurama. He looked at me, then to the belt, then back at me. The shirt he had been holding dropped from his hands so lifelessly it looked as if it was falling in slow motion. His eyes went from startled to blank and he just continued to stare into my dilated eyes with those emotionless ones and it began to piss me off further.
I slowly crept closer and closer to Kurama, who neither flinched nor backed away. He just stood there, rooted to that spot with a look of nothingness on his face. Not a twitch, not a sudden breathe, nothing. It pissed me off even more. Suddenly, the sound of a crack of skin echoed in the air and those eyes flickered briefly with pain before returning the emotionless state they had been in. It angered me even further and I raised the weapon once more, bring it down faster and harder than the last strike, and once more, the sound of leather meeting skin bounced off the walls and danced trough me head. Once more did those eyes flicker with brief pain before returning to nothing.
These actions carried on the same way, my strikes becoming faster and harder with each strike, more frantic to relieve myself of my anguish, of my pain. It had never crossed my mind as to what exactly I was doing, who I was hitting, that I was doing the same thing to him that he had done to me. He just stood there and took it, eyes never wavering from mine, never showed more than a flicker of pain. Suddenly, the belt wasn't enough. I needed to hurt him more, make him suffer as I did.
The sound of the belt meeting the floor never registered in my mind. The fact that I had grabbed his keys from the dresser and attacked him with them never hit me. The fact that a flash of panic flashed through those eyes a moment before I cut into his skin, tearing it open with the keys never reached my senses. None of it registered until after the fact had happened. By then, it was too late to stop my self and I let loose. Cutting at every inch of expose skin imaginable. I wanted this to hurt. I wanted him to suffer. He did. With every slash I made to his skin, he cringed and backed away. He whimpered in pain, pleaded for me to stop, begged me with tear ridden eyes, fought back and lost. It was useless however because all went to deaf ears and blind eyes. All I had cared about at that moment was causing someone else the same amount of pain that had been done onto me.
It wasn't until the fact that I had cried out and pushed his as hard as I could, causing him to smack against the wall hard enough to lose air and then fall to the floor, meeting it with a sickening crack. . It wasn't until the fact that his eyes had dilated with pain and his chest heaved for air that would not come. It wasn't until the tears spilled from his eyes and the first thing he did once the air came back into his lungs was a heartbreaking sob. It wasn't until a sharp pain had come from my abdomen did I stop, until I fell to my knees from fatigue and pain. It wasn't until then that I had registered what I had just done.
Letting the blood stained keys drop from my hands, I placed my head in them and tried to wipe away the tears, tried to come up with a reason as to why I had lost it. Nothing came though except the tears. Looking up from my hands I stared at his curled up form, feeling a wave of nausea wash over me as I stared at his broken and bleeding form. He was bleeding from various places on his arms, torso, and face, some hardly bleeding and others gushing blood. His arm looked as if it was limp and lifeless, most likely I had dislocated it when he hit the ground. His other arm was covering his face and you could hear the muffled sobs as he cried away his pain. Cried because of me, because I couldn't control my anger, my hatred.
We stayed like that for a while, Kurama laying so still and in pain, and me on my knees waiting for the brief pain to leave. When it did, I climbed to my feet and moved to go over to Kurama before changing my mine. The bastard deserves this. He deserves so much more than this! All I did was hit him and cut him a few times. Nothing critical, nothing worth beating myself up over. He did this to me so it's only right that I do it back. The bastard deserves to spend an eternity in Hell but I'm too nice to kill him, just yet. Fucking prick can lie there and wallow in his filth for all I care.
With those thoughts in mind, I turned away from him, wanting to get as far away from him and this room as possible. Before leaving, I left him with one more thought to ponder, to grief over. My lips, moving on their own accord, whispered, "I hate you."
As I walked down the stairs, my feet paused as the sobs that had been muffled grew louder, even though they still sounded muffled. My heart clinched at the sound but I ruthlessly ignored it before moving to the guest bedroom to shower and wash away the blood. I never heard my bedroom door shut. I never heard the sobs of pain turn to hysteria shouts and screams of anguish. All I heard was the running of the shower and the soothing sounds of the water splashing against the tub, sounding so much like rain. Sighing, I stripped off my night pants and climbed into the shower, feeling cleaner than I had when the water hit me.
When I felt clean, I had turned off the steaming water and climbed back out of the shower which was some thirty minutes later by my estimate. Quickly towing myself off, I wiped the fog from the mirror before taking in the bruise on the side of my face. This time, nothing came to me, no emotion, no hatred, nothing. I smiled before stepping out of the bathroom, followed by the steam, and quickly walked back to my bedroom. Upon entering, I stopped in my tracks for a split moment. Kurama was curled up in the far corner, staring blankly at the legs of the king sized bed from Hell, tear stains marring his features, his half naked body still bleeding. He neither moved nor made any motion or sound as to recognize me as I entered the room. Ignorantly, I rolled my eyes, telling myself that he was acting childish and all I had done was rough him up a bit. Denial is bliss, is it not.
Ignoring his huddled form, I went about picking out clothing from my closet. Grabbing nothing special, I threw on a pair of grey sweat pants and a white hoodie. Again, nothing special. Walking into my bathroom, I brushed out my growing black locks and quickly brushed my teeth, the same human routine as it has been for the past few years. When I walked back out of my bathroom, I decided to make the bed, figuring that the traumatized Kurama wasn't going to get off his useless ass and do it.
When I was finished with that, I sat down on the freshly made bed and stared at the huddled figure on the floor. My heart clenched and my head swam as the action that had just taken place no more than a few hours ago. A small part of me smiled at what had taken place, enjoyed it and embraced it, wishing it would have more often. The other, larger, part of me was disgusted with myself for what I had done. It reasoned with me that I had only caused the same pain that he had caused to me, that I had become the monster and he became the helpless victim. The smaller part reasoned that he deserved it and that he shouldn't have done it to me, that payback was a bitch. The larger part called me a monster and it won the fight with that.
Sighing, I twiddled my thumbs as Kurama's blank stare began to make me feel uncomfortable. It looked as if he was dead, as if he was truly broken like I had been. Looking away from the pitiful sight I began to battle with myself as to whether or not to leave him there or to call Yukina and explain to her as to what had happened. She would be angry, of course, but she would know what to do. After all, she is the reason why I came back.
"Kurama……." I began, finally deciding to help him and if necessary, call Yukina to help me. Hopefully it wouldn't have to come to that. I still refused to look at him, the sight of him making me sick once more. I continued, "Kurama get up."
Nothing reaches my ears. Not the sound of reselling, not the sound of acknowledgement, nothing. Forcing myself to look at him, I cringe. He looked….. like me. A scary thought. What had I done to him?
"Come on Kurama, get up. This is stupid….." I said, trying to find some words of comfort but nothing came to mind and there was no way in hell I was going to apologize to the poor bastard.
After a few minutes of nothing happening, I let loose, saying anything that came to mind.
"Damn Kurama, you're acting like a fucking baby. All I did was rough you up a little. For Christ sake, this is pathetic. Do you have any idea what the hell you look like from my view? You look……. You look pathetic! You did way more to me and I got back on my feet, only to have you knock me down again. I never sat in one fucking corner all day and you sure as hell won't. I won't let you. You fucking pussy.What right do you have to wallow in self-pity or whatever the fuck you're feeling? Huh? I went through hell and back quit a few times because of you and I lose control once and what do you do? You fucking crumble like a pathetic little puppy that got kicked by its master. If I hadn't been pregnant then you would be in a world of hell right now. You're lucky the baby stopped me because I might have killed you! That's what you deserve! So, I tell you one more god damn time to get the fuck up! If you don't, so help me…….." and as soon as the rage came, it ended.
I looked up at Kurama who had fresh tears in his eyes, a look of anguish in his eyes, and as I stood up, he flinched away, for what, I don't know. It hurt though. Having him flinch away from me when for so long it was me….. I had become the monster and for some reason, a part of me was alright with that. Kurama had curled in on himself so tightly that he looked as if he was a roly-poly. The thought was almost amusing.
With those words, I left the room and then the house altogether. I couldn't stand being there for another moment. It was only going to cause me to crack, to lose it once more and this time, I don't think my baby could stop me from finishing the job. So, as I walked the desolate road to my sister's house, I kept my mind on everything except Kurama and the event that had happened. The words I said and the emotional and physical pain I had caused.
Sighing, my lungs burned with the icy air and for a moment, I had wanted to die out in the cold. Chuckling softly to myself, I realized I had been so wrapped up in anguish and pain that I hadn't realized what was going on in the outside word. I shrugged my shoulders carried onward.
As time passed by me slowly, the air around me got icier to the touch and my lungs burned at the freezing air. I sighed and used minimum power to heat the air around me to a comfortable temperature. I picked up my pace some, wanting to get to Yukina's quickly. I needed her comfort, her warm smile and her big heart. I needed someone to hear my story, to hear and see my pain and frustration.
In no time, I had arrived at her house and without even knocking or ringing the bell, I let myself in. Toeing my shoes off at the front door, I strolled through the house, searching through every room for my sister and vowing that is Kuwabara was touching her in any way that I was going to kill him. Finally, I came upon the last room, the bedroom, and listened closely from the other side of the closed door for any signs of 'foul play'. Hearing soft humming from the other side I deemed it safe to walk in and as soon as the door opened, I came face to face with my sister.
Yukina blinked for a moment, taking in my appearance and the shock of seeing me before smiling and taking me into her arms. I gladly accepted her hug. We stood like that, in each other's embrace for a few moments before I pulled away.
"What are you doing here Nissan?" her gentle voice cooed as she walked towards the kitchen with me hot on her heels.
"I had to get out for a while. I just needed some air." I lied. She looked back at me, studying me with those scrutinizing eyes before nodding. I know she had seen the bruise but knowing her, she wouldn't ask about it unless I brought up the subject first. That's how she was. Always caring but never nosy. I loved that quality about her, then again I loved everything about her. She was my twin after all.
"May I make you some hot chocolate or something?" Yukina asked, rummaging through the cupboards for the chocolate powder and two mugs. Not answering, I sat down at the island, keeping my gaze on my fingers and tried to gather my thoughts. My concentration was broken however when a cup on brown, steaming liquid slid into my gaze. Finally looking up, I met Yukina's worried gaze, her eyes left mine to stare at the bruise for a moment before connecting with mine once more.
"What wrong Hiei?" she asked. I didn't know if I could tell her but I had to tell someone, I felt as if I was going to explode from my emotions.
"I…. I hurt Kurama today…."
Her eyes showed no surprise, nothing and they reminded me of Kurama's and I finally broke down, spilling everything. What I had done. What I felt. How much I loved causing the bastard pain and how much a small part of me wanted kill him. She listened intently, never interrupting even if I paused. Her gaze never showed anger, never judged. She sat there and held my hands as I spilled it all, as I told her the hateful words I had uttered when I left the room. How I ignored him when I returned. What I said and how I made him cry, how I made him flinch. Nothing was safe. By the time I was done, the sun had disappeared beyond the horizon and snow had begun to gentle fall from the heavens above.
"Hiei…….." she didn't get to say anything else as Kuwabara walked in through the front door and rather loudly announced that he was home. His smile quickly dropped from his face as his eyes fell on me.
"What the hell are you doing here shrimp?" he asked as he walked over to Yukina and kissed her fully on the lips. My eye twitched from my restraint to smack the baka over the head for the action due to the smile on Yukina's face.
"Kuwabara, be nice. Hiei came over for a visit and we got to talking." Yukina life and I was thankful for it. Kuwabara snorted at the comment but let it go. He looked over at me and his eyes landed on the bruise on the side of my face straight away. A brief flash of pity crossed over those eyes before it disappeared. Yukina's sweet voice brought him back to reality, "Why don't you drive Hiei home for me."
"WHAT!!!" we said in together. That was certainly unexpected. I thought as I rapidly shook my head know and began to say something but a glare from Yukina kept my mouth shut.
"Hiei, you will let Kuwabara drive you home and you will not complain about it, do you understand me. You are pregnant and you shouldn't be exerting yourself. Do I make my self clear?" Yukina said and that had been it. I didn't complain. I got my shoes on, gave her a hug and left. Back to my prison, back to my hell. Then again, that's all I've ever had, and all I ever will.
SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, that's all for now. I hope you all liked it. Again, sorry that I did put any song lyrics in this time. I just couldn't find a good enough song. Anyway, I know that that was not what you were expecting but it throws a nice plot twist in there doesn't it. I hope you enjoyed it. Review please!