WHAT? AN UPDATE? You must be kidding. It's been almost a year since my last update, THIS I KNOW. Thank you all for your lovely reviews with well-wishing for my college days, and yeah, they were pretty okay. Now I have a new nemesis and a new best friend, and since it's the summer holidays (it has been since the start of November actually, and I don't go back to school until the middle of February – aren't you all green with envy?) I have decided that I have time to update. But don't get all excited and think that I'm going to start updating regularly, because pfft, as if.
Also, don't get all excited and think this is going to be funny. Because it probably isn't.
Warning: This features metaphorical canon rape. I'm sorry.
It was the summer after her sixth year, and Hermione was still just regular ol' Hermione. Oh, how she wished she could have Curves In All The Right Places™. She knew that all her schoolwork and good grades were worthless really, and what really mattered was being sexy. But unfortunately, she was just naturally unsexy. And that was the way it would stay. She pondered for a moment, as to why Microsoft Word didn't think unsexy was a word. Unsex was a word. What does unsex mean? She wondered. She made a mental note to ask someone later, when her parents suddenly entered her room.
"Hermione, we have something to tell you," they said.
"Oh, mum and dad, I'm so glad you came in here. I have an incredibly important question," she replied.
"What is it darling?"
"What does unsex mean?"
Her father was the one who replied. "Unsex, a transitive verb. Inflicted forms: unsexed, unsexing, unsexes. 1. To deprive of sexual capacity or sexual attributes. 2. To castrate."
"Thank you, father, who is most certainly my birth father and has not been hiding anything from me," Hermione replied, for no reason at all. "Did you want to tell me something?"
"Why yes, we did," said her mother. "You see, Hermione, you were adopted. By us. We are your adopted parents. You are not actually related to us in any way. You were just a baby that we adopted, not related to us at all."
"What?" Hermione asked. "Stop skirting around the issue! Tell me!"
Hermione's 'parents' looked at each other. Then, her father spoke up. "Well Hermione, we love you very much, and we just want –"
"I'M ADOPTED? NOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried. "Why was I adopted?"
"Er… actually, we don't know. There doesn't seem to be any reason for your adoption, but there were spells put on you that made you ugly – I mean, made you… unique-looking until you turned seventeen."
"But… today is my seventeenth birthday!" Hermione cried, looking at herself in the mirror. She wasn't ugly – I mean, unique-looking anymore. She had long blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, and cheekbones that just make you go OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT GIRL'S CHEEKBONES. Of course, she had Curves In All The Right Places™.
"You see, Hermione, you are a Malfoy. The sister to Draco Malfoy, in fact," her mother said. "Which is of course, incredibly likely."
"I'm Malfoy's SISTER?" She cried. "Wtf?"
"Hermione, was that netspeak?" Her father asked, glaring at her. She shook her head quickly, causing her beautiful hair to move, shimmering in the light. "Anyway, you're also a vampire. And a veela. And an elf. But a nice Lord of the Rings-style elf, not a weird little Harry Potter house-elf. And some sort of Asian fighting technique expert. And kind of a mermaid too, but as you can see, you don't have a tail. Also you're a parseltongue. And your real name isn't Hermione, it's Kamilienina. Also you're a princess. And the most powerful witch in a hundred billion kajillion years. And also you're really in Slytherin."
"But… why all these changes?" She cried.
"Do you really think boring, regular old Hermione would be able to pull a totally hot chunk of manmeat like Snape?" Hermione – I mean Kamilienina's mother said dreamily. Kamilienina gagged.
"Ugh, Snape? My ugly, hook-nosed, greasy-haired, middle-aged schoolteacher? Why the hell would I want to 'pull' him? I'm sure that's illegal in several different ways, not including the cross-species stuff that would happen if we ever…" she gagged again. "I'm sorry, I just can't think about it. It's too revolting."
"We thought you'd feel this way," said her parents, and they waved their wands about and started muttering spells, because obviously they didn't know they were muggles and couldn't do magic. When they stopped muttering, Kamilienina stared blankly.
"Like, whatever," she said. "Like, oh my god, shut up. Severus? I totally want to pull him, or something. What? Of course I call him by his first name. Haven't I always?"
Her parents smiled.
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At Hogwarts…
Kamilienina sat at the Slytherin table, having a really deep and meaningful discussion with her new brother Draco, which consisted mainly of 'like' 'whatever' and 'oh my god'. Once the dinner was over, she walked to the Gryffindor table where Ron and Harry were still seated, for some reason.
"Like, Ronald and Harold," she said, "You totally didn't come talk to me on the train." She pouted and tried to look pathetic. She succeeded.
"Yeah, me and Harry have decided that because you're a vampire, and a veela, an elf, but a nice Lord of the Rings-style elf, not a weird little Harry Potter house-elf, and some sort of Asian fighting technique expert, and kind of a mermaid too, but as you can see, you don't have a tail, and a parseltongue, and your real name isn't Hermione, it's Kamilienina, and you're a princess, and the most powerful witch in a hundred billion kajillion years, and in Slytherin, we hate you now," said Ron, breathing deeply after that mouthful.
"Yeah, we hate you," Harry said. Kamilienina ran off and cried somewhere, somehow her tears emitting strange noises that sounded rather similar to 'liiiiiiike', 'whateeeeever', and 'ooooh my gooooood'.
"Oh Kamilienina," came a voice. "You are so beautiful and I totally want you, why are you crying?" It was Snape. Or rather, Severus.
"Severus?" Kamilienina said, wiping her eyes. Yes, she even looked beautiful when she was crying. Even with her face all gross and twisted up and with red eyes and all snotty, she was still incredibly beautiful. "Er… what are you doing in the girls' bathroom?"
"It's best we don't speak of such things right now," Severus said, casting his eyes about suspiciously.
"Then what do we talk about?"
"How much I want your Sexy Body™."
Thus, they embarked on a pedophilic affair which everyone was apparently fine with, even the other teachers merely chuckling and saying "Oh, I knew old Snapey was a closet pedophile. And I did suspect that Granger girl was really a vampire, and a veela, an elf, but a nice Lord of the Rings-style elf, not a weird little Harry Potter house-elf, and some sort of Asian fighting technique expert, and kind of a mermaid too, but as you can see, she doesn't have a tail, and a parseltongue, and her real name isn't Hermione, it's Kamilienina, and she's a princess, and the most powerful witch in a hundred billion kajillion years, and in Slytherin, and that she would fall for her ugly, mean-spirited, middle-aged teacher."
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Thus marks the end of the probably unfunny and incredibly late update. And before all you Snape-fans get all up in my earhole about the apparent Snape-bashing, I just want to say that I love him too, so you don't need to convince me of anything. It's just that JKR has always written him as being quite ugly. I mean, seriously. Hermione/Snape? That's just wrong. And you know what's even wronger? Ginny/Voldemort. He's about fifty years older than her! Since when was that okay? Never! It was never okay.
And just a note to EVERYONE: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO CHANGE THE NAME OF A CANON CHARACTER. NEVER. OR TO REVEAL THAT THEY REALLY HAVE SPECIAL POWERS OR ARE RELATED TO MALFOY OR SOMETHING. THIS KIND OF THING IS NOT OKAY AT ALL.