Chapter Eleven: Uncontrolled Emotions

"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt."

Hermione Granger sat up and glanced at the clock on the table next to her bed; it was three in the morning and she couldn't sleep…again. This has become a habit for the past week, restlessness and inability to fall into a blissful slumber. Malfoy was to blame; it was like he was purposely torturing her. Or she just needed to blame someone and he seems to be the only one who's been getting on her nerves lately. She groaned and threw the covers to the side and stood up. She spent a whole minute stretching, classes would resume today as usual.

She walked into the bathroom and almost had a heart attack at the sight of her reflection. Dark circles engulfed her honey colored eyes and her hair resembled a hay stack. She silently walked back into the room and grabbed her wand pointing it to the dark circles.

"Dispario," she muttered. She'd read that last week in the Witch Weekly, the Simple-Fix Charms section. The dark circles melted into her skin and in a few moments they were gone. She quietly brushed her teeth and took a hot, soothing shower.

After neatly stacking her textbooks on her desk and packing her school bag, she glanced at the clock again; four-thirty. Still four hours left. She checked to make sure Parvati, Lavender and Padma were asleep before grabbing her wand and entering the empty common room. The fireplace contained the remains of last night's fire.

"Lumos," she whispered, as she entered the dark, secluded hallway. She took small steps, careful not to shine the light on the sleeping portraits, trying to remember what Harry had said about a secret passageway leading to Hogsmeade. She was in desperate need of coffee. Now, Hermione wouldn't normally do something risky like this, but she was sick of not being able to sleep and spending the whole night reading in her room. She needed a change.

Crack.

She spun around, no one. She heard something, was it a footstep? Oh, I shouldn't have come, she thought immediately. Her heartbeat racing, there was another rustle. She turned to her right, empty. Her breath became short and fast as she turned back towards the Gryffindor Tower.

She suddenly felt two hands cover her mouth and seize her hand; she dropped her wand and struggled to pry the strong arm away from her mouth so she could shout for help. If found by a teacher, would she get expelled? She decided her life was more important.

"Shh, Granger, it's me," he whispered letting go. She spun around glaring at none other than Draco Malfoy.

"What are you trying to do, kill me?" she whispered.

"Now, why would I do that?" he asked sarcastically, arms folded. Before Hermione could say anything, there was the sound of distant, slow approaching footsteps. Draco noticed it as well.

"We should leave," he pointed out. "Let's go,"

"No, I'm going back to my room," she said stubbornly.

"Stop giving lame excuses, you know you want to come." He said. "Come on, I want to show you something," He urged.

"No," The footsteps were just around the corner now. Hermione grabbed her wand, whispered "Nox,", and placed it into the back pocket of her jeans. Draco pushed her towards the dark corner next to the pillar until her back touched the cool surface, sending shivers down her spine.

"What are you-"she started.

"Shut up," he answered hastily placing a finger on her lips. The footsteps came closer. Hermione glanced over his shoulder at the strangers. The first one was a girl, her back was toward Hermione. The second one was a man; his identity was blocked by the girl's head. Just as Hermione started to stand on her tip toes, she heard a low, ominous hiss and almost lost her balance. Malfoy had placed both hands on the wall, caging her so their faces were well hidden. Another hiss followed, but this one was slightly high pitched. Shivers engulfed her body, Malfoy sensing this, pressed his body closer against hers. She felt his warmth replace the shivers. She noticed his muscles tense, jaw tighten on numerous occasions while the two persons were conversing.

Draco listened intently, his mind processing every single word. He knew who they were, Pansy and Snape. They were parseltongue, he was as well. It was a hidden secret, until now. Before Hermione could try to decipher their identities again, they started walking away. Draco stood motionless until the footsteps were barely audible. She was about to wriggle free but froze in place; she saw something she'd never expected from the Slytherin Prince; Tears, flowing freely down his flawless face. As if by instinct, she wrapped her arms around him, holding him. He shook with sobs and held her tightly. Hermione's eyes were wide, surprised. She was too shocked to move let alone ask any questions.

"She's dead," he choked out into her hair. Hermione's mind was racing. Who was dead? What is going on? But she didn't say anything because she was scared. She'd never seen Malfoy so…vulnerable.

"Who?" she whispered after a long pause. He didn't answer and she didn't press further. She stood, holding him, as if it was her responsibility. He withdrew from her grasp, his eyes red, his expression vacant. His eyes flooded with an inexplicable sadness so strong that Hermione started feeling it too.

"Who?" she asked again. He leaned against the wall next to her, ran a hand through his hair, and sunk down. With elbows on knees, head hung low, fresh tears began falling.

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to pretend like you care," he said. Hermione sat down next to him.

"I know," she replied silently. From that moment, neither said a word and Hermione had to literally cover her mouth with her hand from spurting out questions. Draco sat motionless, fists clenched, occasionally letting his head drop, when the tears clouded his vision, letting them flow while new ones formed instantaneously. Hermione would place her hand on his shoulder supportively, her expression worried.

Draco wasn't sure why she stayed and at this point he didn't care. All he could think about was his mother. Memories of her swamped his head; he couldn't believe she was gone. Murdered, in fact. And it was his entire fault, because of his stubbornness and selfishness to go against his father's orders.

"My mother," he whispered, facing the window straight ahead. "She's dead. Murdered."

"Oh, I'm—" He immediately held up his hand and turned to face her.

"I don't want your sympathy; I don't want anything from you." He stood up and started walking away. He knew it was wrong to blame her, she didn't do anything, but if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have gone against his father's orders and maybe his mother would've been alive to see him graduate. He knew he would have to live with this for the rest of his life, the guilt, the remorse; a mother is irreplaceable in a person's life. But she stayed, a small voice inside his head reminded. Granger held him when he needed someone to hold. She sat next to him, gave him moral support when he needed it the most. Was it sympathy, or something else? The hallways were empty, lit by the morning sun, as Draco walked back to the Slytherin Tower.

The word empty didn't even come close to how he felt the entire day, walking to class like a zombie, nodding at his friend's comments, noticing Granger's worried expression as he walked to class. It was mid-day and he had Potions with Gryffindor. He'd expected Snape to take him out of class and tell him, but he didn't and Draco was glad, he didn't want to hear it from him. Snape had always been frank; truth was never hidden or sugar-coated when he spoke. He'd tell Draco his mother was murdered and maybe add an "I'm sorry" at the end. That would be the whole conversation and he wasn't ready for that. Who killed her? He wondered though he was fairly sure it was his father. He was the only one cruel enough, heartless enough to kill his own wife. Wife? Yeah, right. His father never treated his mother with the respect a wife deserves; she was just a wife for namesake. She gave him an heir, the only thing he wanted from her.

Potions drawled on, Snape hadn't come around today tormenting the Gryffindors, especially Harry Potter. He'd assigned them book work and left to his office, Draco suspected the news had hit him pretty hard as well. He wasn't blind, he knew Snape loved his mother back when he was in school, but his mother's marriage was arranged with Lucius Malfoy after her graduation. At Hogwarts, Snape had always looked after Draco occasionally asking him how things were back home, which really meant he wanted to know about his mother. Maybe Snape felt it was his responsibility to look after him. Draco absent-mindedly copied the answer to the first question, he was glad they weren't brewing potions today, he couldn't handle talking to anyone.

Students whispered amidst taking notes, giggling and conversing, to Draco it was all disgusting. But he realized that time hadn't stopped and things carried on as usual. Earlier that morning, he contemplated on staying in his dorm but knew the silence would kill him; he needed to keep himself busy. From the corner of his eye, he saw Granger eye him with caution, she was so bloody annoying. Before, she didn't want anything to do with him but now she's acting like she cares.

Pansy sat under the huge oak tree while half-heartedly finishing the Potions work she'd missed. She didn't go to class today because she wasn't ready to face Draco, how could she tell him that his mother is dead.Worse, she was murdered. Snape just had to place the burden on her. Mrs. Malfoy was one of the strongest and bravest women Pansy had ever met, she'd always managed to have hope in times of turmoil and was Draco's support system throughout his life against Mr. Malfoy. She was there by his side whenever he needed her but now, when she needed him the most, he wasn't there.

The weather was rather chilly and the huge tree was barren, spring was three months away. She tightened the scarf around her neck as she read the next question though the words floated around senselessly in her head.

Her mind was on Draco, she'd tell him this evening. She couldn't believe Mr. Malfoy would kill his own wife, it was all very disturbing. Pansy remembered the letter she'd received from Mr. Malfoy, talking about her engagement with Draco and her mission to befriend Potter. Screw that, she thought. She wasn't going to go over to the dark side, besides Potter thinks she's scum anyway. She didn't know why it meant so much to her that Potter, just like everyone else, had misconceptions about her. She sighed, closing her book, and placing her quill back into her school bag knowing the forced effort was futile. She'd avoided Draco the whole day, trying to think up of the perfect way to reveal the disastrous news but soon realized no matter what she said, he'd be heart broken. Well, it's inevitable, now or never, she thought as she started to get up, grabbing her school bag and dusting off the dry leaves from her robes.

A crunching noise made her look up to meet those unique, inimitable green eyes. Harry wasn't expecting her to be here, the blatant expression on his face told her that. He came here to think about how he'd tell Ginny the truth. The past few days were brutal and he couldn't look into Ginny's eyes without feeling guilty, it was then he decided he'd tell her the truth. Neither said a word since the confrontation though they lived under the same roof. Harry would leave before she was awake and come back late, so he could avoid her. Pansy hadn't exactly been trying to talk to him; she spent most of her time outside the castle or in the library.

Harry knew what he said what wrong, Pansy wasn't cruel, and she wasn't a complete Slytherin like Malfoy. It frustrated him, the fact that he cared so much about her though they were barely friends. The whole situation frightened him, he didn't want to lose Ginny but he wanted to know Pansy more.

"Listen, I'm sorry about what I said," Harry said silently, going against everything he promised he wouldn't do.

"Nothing I haven't heard before," It'd been so long since he'd heard her angelic voice, too long, he thought, eyes closed.

"Look, Pansy, I don't know…" he drowned on Pansy wasn't listening; her eyes welled up with tears. Tears that were struggling to be free since that morning flowed down her pale face. "…but if you still want to talk, I'll listen," he finished and looked up to see her teary face. Pansy didn't know why he made her feel naked, stripped of the façade she put on for everyone else. There was only one other person who could see right through her like this, Draco, but she'd known him all her life. Potter, she barely knew. It was like she could tell him anything and the fact that he apologized proved he wasn't like everyone else, he saw her for what she was. He cautiously took a few steps closer, doubting his actions as he placed a hand on her shoulders. She covered her face with her hands and started sobbing; he reluctantly placed a hand behind her head and pulled her towards his shoulder. He wanted to move away, he wanted to leave but was frozen in place as she continued sobbing on his shoulder.

"Potter, I'm sorry," she withdrew immediately realizing what she'd done. "I never wanted to complicate things between you and Weasley, it's just you weren't like everyone else. You accepted me, and my reputation didn't affect your behavior…" she drawled on trying to decide whether to tell him about Mrs. Malfoy. Sympathy was the last thing she wanted so decided against it.

"Parkinson, I know, I was confused and needed someone to blame," he muttered. He placed a finger on her cheek, stroking it as he looked into those mesmerizing gray eyes. "And, I'm sorry for hurting you. I guess I was just scared." The gravity of the situation dawned on both of them because Pansy turned around and Harry took a few steps back.

"So, what now?" she asked. Harry didn't answer for a while and Pansy wondered whether he left.

"I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't attracted to you," he managed to say.

"And I'd be lying to myself if I said it would work out," she said sadly. A long pause followed until she heard the crunching of dry leaves under his feet as he moved closer. He placed an arm on her shoulder, slowly turning her around to face him. She shifted uncomfortably under his powerful gaze

"I don't know about you but, I'm ready to live out a lie if I can be with you," he finished. The past few days were spent fighting these confusing, agonizing feelings towards her and he had lost the battle, he couldn't hold back his feelings for her anymore.

"What about Weasley?" she asked, surprised by his abrupt confession.

"This is about you and me, remember?" he quoted as he cupped her cheeks into his hands, and leaned in to kiss her eye lid. She grasped his hands as new tears feel effortlessly.

"Potter, I don't want people to think that I'm-" she whispered. A slut, she finished in her head.

"Shh," he cooed. "Look, it's not your fault Pansy. You're not coming in the middle of us. If anything, it's me who's betraying her," his voicing suddenly becoming hard, his hands dropping to his sides. "But, this is my choice; I'll have to face the consequences for my actions. I can't fight my feelings for you. Who knows, we might end up hating each other" he added after a pause, knowing he was lying to himself.

"Who knows," she repeated. 'Maybe, I'll fall for you,' she thought silently. She looked up, Harry looked confused and hurt. He knew he could be ruining his life but when he met her gray eyes, all the trouble in the world seemed to melt away, he was under her spell. He leaned in and covered her lips with his own. This was nothing like Pansy had ever experienced, Harry was gentle yet passionate, hard yet soft at the same time. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he ran his hands down her spine making her hiss in content. Suddenly, Ginny's face blazed into Harry's mind. He pulled Pansy closer, deepening the kiss, hoping to forget Ginny. Pansy felt him stiffen under her embrace, kissing her harder, almost making her wince in pain. She placed both hands on her chest heaving him off her, her lips apple red.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" he asked placing a hand on her shoulder. "It's just Ginny--"

"Harry, y-you need to sort out your priorities," she said grabbing her bag carefully making her way down the slippery slope towards the Castle.

"I did mean what I said Pansy, it scares me how fast I fell for you," he whispered. He closed his eyes as Ginny's face appeared once more. He sighed. 'What have I gotten into?"

Pansy stormed into her room and slammed the door shut, who does Potter think he is? More importantly, who does Potter think I am? Someone he can snog whenever he felt like it. She felt horrible, used and lost, throwing her bag across the floor; she left the room to go find Draco.

The Castle was fairly quiet; students spent their time in the library complaining about the heavy work load on their first day back from the holidays. She walked down the stairway and turned left, towards the Slytherin Tower.

"Werewolf Skin," she muttered as the painting opened to reveal the pathway towards the common room. She walked in to find a few first years in a corner and a few students from her year studying diligently near the fireplace. But, Draco was no where to be found. She quietly walked to the boy's dormitories and knocked. Silence. After what seemed like forever the door opened to reveal a very tired Draco Malfoy.

"Bloody hell, what happened to you?" she asked stepping into the room, closing the door behind her.

"I know Pansy," he said silently. "So, save the speech,"

"H-How?" she stammered. He knows?!

"Honestly, does it matter? The fact is she's dead, murdered by my father," he said, fists clenching.

"It was Mr. Malfoy but there's a rumor floating around that he was under the imperius curse. Voldemort is rallying muggles Draco, he's building an army. Your mother was trying to persuade Voldemort against it because the magical world would be revealed with so many muggles suddenly missing. But, that's what he wants Draco, he doesn't only want Potter, he wants power." She finished.

"What?" he asked bewildered. "Exactly how many muggles has he brain washed?"

"Over 300," she answered.

"Merlin, why didn't you tell me this?" he snapped. "What does he plan to do with three-hundred muggles?"

"I just found out yesterday, I reacted the same way," she replied. She walked up to him cautiously, placing a hand on his shoulder supportively.

"Are you alright?" she spoke softly searching his dull, gray for the answer.

"Define alright," he said with a weak smile. "I'll never be alright Pansy, she was my mother. But, I have to move on; she wouldn't have wanted me to suffer like this,"

"That's true," she agreed. "Do you want me to stay longer?" she asked after a pause.

"No, I'm better now, I'll see you later," She gave him a hug before leaving. He walked back to his bed and lifted the mattress and grabbed the album he'd been looking at before Pansy arrived. He opened to the page with his mother holding a small bundle in her arms while smiling at camera, occasionally looking at the bundle. He touched the picture, a tear fell, blurring the image at the corner. He couldn't believe she was gone. He'd never felt emptier, lost or confused in his entire life.

YAY, finally. I was trying to upload yesterday but was down for maintenance. Longest chapter yet. what can i say, i had to fit a lot of stuff in here.

READ AND REVIEW, please.

Take care!