I am 26 years old, that's what, 10 years after it happened, and I still haven't forgiven myself for doing it. How can I? I killed someone, my own flesh, well I guess not flesh, but my own blood. The doctor said that it was still an embryo, not a fetus, so it wasn't considered a baby. As if that was supposed to make me feel less guilty. But it didn't. Nothing will make me feel less guilty about what I did.
Me and Luke, we don't talk about it. I read the letters he writes though, and I know he feels guilty about it. I love him to death but I always get a little mad when I read that he does. He wasn't the one who was carrying the child, he didn't have to be the one who made the FINAL decision. He wasn't the one who killed our baby.
But, I can't hold it against him. He has his right to feel however he wants. The first year we were married, I asked him why he wrote the letters. That was one of the few times we ever acknowledged it out loud. He said it was a way of letting go, letting it out, a way of moving on. I knew he was going to suggest that I try it too, so before he opened his mouth, I mumbled an 'Oh' and walked out of the room. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to move on. I don't deserve to.
I guess it's gotten easier, as the years have gone by. I'm thankful that Finley was born on that day though. Because then I know that I wont spend the whole day thinking about the baby I killed on that day. But that doesn't mean I can forget about it completely. When we cut the cake, when we open presents or when I'm laying in bed later that night, it comes to mind. That's usually when I excuse myself, and go and lock myself in the bathroom to cry for a little bit. I've decided to just not wear makeup on this day anymore. There's no point. I'm just going to wash it off after I cry anyway.
I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I always wake up like that one these mornings though. It's how I woke up that morning 10 years ago. I guess it could have been morning sickness, but I doubt it. It was my own guilt, a way of my body screaming 'DON'T DO IT!', but I ignored it. Instead I killed my baby.
After it happened I slipped into a depression. I never let anyone know though. I mean, at first, I didn't have anyone, I didn't have anyone to hide it from. I drank and drank and drank. I'd go to bars in hopes of having meaningless sex, to try and make me forget, but when it came down to it, I couldn't. I couldn't have the sex and I couldn't forget. When I did gather people back into my life, I tried my best to act like the Brooke they knew. But, after a while, putting on the act was getting tiring. So, I went to see a doctor and he prescribed me some happy pills. With the help of those pills, I started benefiting with Felix (gag me) and when that went to hell, Lucas was there. When I moved in with Karen, I was finally in a place where I could come to some sort of term with it. I accepted that I did it and couldn't move on, so I stopped taking the pills.
I stayed happy, for a while, I had Lucas back, and I stopped thinking about it so much. But then, I was late. There I was, almost an exact year later, in the same position, only I was dating Lucas this time. My first thought, 'I can't do it again.'. My second thought 'I've got to tell Lucas'. So, I went to the basketball game, expecting to see Lucas, but he wasn't there. Instead, I got the pleasure of Nathan telling me that Lucas had HCM. So, I drove franticly to the River \court where I found him in the middle of the court clutching a basketball. I asked him if it was true as I pulled him into my arms and he just nodded against my chest. Needless to say, my potential bun in the oven, was pushed to the back of my mind.
Of course, then Lucas left and I found out that I was, for sure, pregnant. I didn't want to call Lucas though. He and his mom were figuring things out, and I figured he'd call me, but of course he didn't. Then, when he did come back, we didn't have time to talk about it before Peyton told me of her feelings for Lucas. I was pissed off, cramping and had a lower back pain that wouldn't go away, and needed to make the final arrangements for the Naley wedding. I was fairly confident in my relationship with Lucas, but then I saw him talking to Peyton when I asked him not to AND I found out about the kiss.
I was so pissed off that I actually forgot about being pregnant. But, then Lucas asked me if I was pregnant, and I lied. I wasn't feeling well at all, I thought I was having morning sickness or some weird pregnancy symptom. So, after I went with Haley to find out that she was preggers as well, I got checked out. Turns out, those cramps were REALLY bad. A lot worse than I thought. They were signs of my miscarriage.
I miscarried. I couldn't handle it. I broke down. I spent 5 hours with Haley, crying and blaming myself for it. I felt like it was some sort of karmic pay back. I killed my baby, so the next one was taken away from me. There I was a week later, in that same clinic with Haley by my side. I went back into that room and laid on the table so they could suck out my already dead baby. I had to talk to Nurse Susie Homemaker about what happened and I had to walk out of that clinic, yet again, empty inside.
I sunk back into my depression which got even worse when I told Lucas to be with Peyton. I was back on the happy pills before I knew it. Then, I met Chase and he brought back my hope. I believed that I would find my true love and that I would have a child. He convinced me that I was good enough without the pills, so I stopped.
Chase eventually moved, but we've kept in contact and he even sent Finley a present when he was born. I never told Lucas about the miscarriage. I know that I should, but I can't, because then I'll have to acknowledge the baby I purposely killed.
When I got pregnant with Finley I was ecstatic. I went to my first doctor's appointment alone, because I knew she would bring up the miscarriage and I couldn't have Lucas find out. So, she said that I should be okay, that most women miscarry at one point, and to just take it easy. But if I felt and cramps or back pain to come in immediately. I was fine and 8 and a half months later Finley was born on that day.
About an hour after Finley was born, Lucas was holding him and I was resting on the bed when he turned to me.
"Do you think about it?" he asked me.
"Every year." I responded, a little piece of me dying inside. I had a baby, finally, but I couldn't help but feel guilty.
I found out I was pregnant yesterday and I'm excited, but it's killing me. The fact that I found out so close to this day. But, I am happy and I know Lucas will be too. He's been bugging me lately about a family. I think he realizes that Finley's getting big and wants a baby back, which I am more than happy to give him. He doesn't know yet, I can't tell him today and I couldn't tell him yesterday, I was too stressed out about today. Hopefully it's a girl, it's what we both want.
I just pray to god she doesn't turn out like me. Pregnant at 16 and then again at 17. We'll love her all the same though. I could never make her choose a decision and I know Lucas would never be able to either. We hope Finley isn't like Lucas and impregnates someone, but with a girl it's different. Obviously a lot more emotional stuff. If she does turn out like me thought, I just pray she has the strength to say what I couldn't.
"I can't kill my baby."
It's 10:30 now and Lucas thinks I'm asleep so he gets out of bed. He's going to write his letter, like he does every year. This is when I cry. I cry because I can't take it back and because the guilt I feel won't go away. I know it will never go away, and I'll probably be 50 years old and still feel guilty about it.
It's about 10:40 now and I decide to go check on Finley. Finley's gotten so big. The perfect mix of me and Luke. I can't believe he's 4 already. He's already started pre school and before I know it he'll be in regular school. I started crying when he went to preschool and that's just for 4 hours. How the hell am I gonna act when he's gone for 6? He's my baby and growing up entirely too fast.
I slowly walk downstairs and I see Lucas sitting on the couch writing away. I curl up next to him and start to read the letter. Gosh, he feels so bad. It's too much to take so I start crying again until I finally fall asleep.