A/N: Quick update! First, I want to answer a few of the questions the awesome folks who took the time to review asked in order from top...

To the person who asked about the hairclips (I suck with names, sorry), what else did you think wearing that cap for all eternity was for? To keep his subordinates from seeing them and laughing so hard they'd forget to do their work, of course!XD

To the reviewer who answered my question on OOCness, I suppose Akai's more of an indirect-retaliation person, but the fact that he got plunged into school a second time (Once is enough for me!) would probably piss him off a lot, no matter how easy the classes are.

Anyway, I'm facing the problem of deciding to call him 'him' or 'her' (I bet he's not too happy about the gender confusion...) Currently, I'm calling his alias thingie 'her', and having the people who know he's a him call him 'him' (Wow, complicated sentence there!) What do you think?

Now, back to the story!

Chapter 3: Perverts Suck. Hard.

Soon after the hairclip-stealing incident, Akai realized that he had a horrific problem on his hands.

Clothes.

The Sadist, true to her nickname, had provided Shuichi with rather... revealing clothes. Although they wouldn't have looked half bad on an actual girl, he admitted, there was no way in hell he was wearing those. And just how did half the Tokyo female population survive winter in miniskirts, anyway? Even if it made every airhead fashionista better than him, He. Was. Not. Doing. That. Deal with it, Vermouth.

His continuous refusal to rely on her for money made it difficult to buy new, more winter-appropriate clothes. Considering the last trick she'd sprung on him, she'd have to go before him on bended knee before he accepted anything else from her.

Still, his lack of income wasn't leaving him many options. FBI pay was crap, even if his bank account wasn't being watched by Gin. He'd worked himself into a dilemma, unless...

His pride was already trashed anyway, so why not?

.o.

After the event known to some as the 'Hairclip Incident' and to others as the 'Whoa-You-Can't-Find-Cooler-Blood-Splatters-in-Bleach Incident' (admittedly, he had lost his temper rather... spectacularly. Teenagerhood was loosening the grasp he had on his emotions.), he and Ran had actually became tentative friends, as hard as it was to believe. He had shown her a choke hold, she demonstrated some judo moves, and an odd aquaintainceship over an odd subject had been born.

The creators of James Bond were wrong. Not all secret agents were womanizers, let alone good at casual conversation. Considering that he didn't have much of a choice, though, he might as well get it over with.

.o.

"Hey, Ran-chan!" She sprinted towards Ran, waving.
Sound normal, sound normal----

"So your father's the famous Sleeping Kogoro?"
Smile now, don't look like a constipated shark----

"He must solve a lot of cool cases!"
Don't sound nauseated----

Ran turned around. "I guess, but I'm starting to worry about Conan. He's living in our home currently, and he loves mysteries. Still, he's only seven, and all that violence he's seeing on Dad's cases can't be good for him."

" Actually,I was going to ask you something. I'm living with Professor Agasa (both knew that the title of 'Professor' was only a formalty) after my parents died (another half-lie), and I don't want to have to ask too much of him. (God, being polite was hard!) Can I...er... babysit your brother for you (he didn't have to fake the awkward tone of voice)? You're right, it can't be good for him to see all that blood."
Must...not...laugh----

"That would be great! Come on, I'll show you my dad and see if he'll agree."

And they raced toward the Mouri Taintei Detective Agency, Shuko trying very, very hard to channel her enthusiasm of finally being able to wear pants again in the appropriate direction.

.o.

Kudo was right, Kogoro really was a drunkard. As the two came into view of the inebriated dectective chasing the hapless Conan in circles, Akai actually felt pity for the boy.

"Ran," he hiccuped, collapsing into his chair, allowing Conan to escape from underneath the couch. "You've brought such a lovely young lady with you, too!" He made a dirty gesture at said young 'lady'.

What the----

Thankfully, Ran stepped in. "Dad, this is Shuko Gindan, my classmate, and she's going to be babysitting Conan!"

"Hic---- Why, it's so kind of her to do such a selfless thing for the brat----Hic!" His eyes rolled upward, passing out.

"He means yes," she quickly explained to the girl. "I apologize that you had to see him in this condition. He's not so bad most of the time, but part of the reason he's so upset is that I'm making him see Mom---- they're divorced."

"I'm sorry." He sincerely meant it.

.o.

After an hour of so of waking Kogoro up, carefully translating his slurred speech, and ignoring his extremely inappropriate comments while trying to prevent himself from punching the pervert hard (guilty on the violent thoughts, though), Akai was finally outside the hellhole, Conan walking alongside him. That miser was paying him 100 yen an hour, and neither of them were in the best of moods.

"Why did you do that? You know he's hopeless without me! " Conan kicked at an empty can on the road, frowning. "Crime's attracted to him like a magnet to paper clips, and there's going to be dozens of murders where the criminal's going to----"

"Now,now. Whenever did I say that we were staying behind?"

A slow grin spread across Conan's face as realization dawned upon him. "And you get 100 yen out of it..."

Akai smirked. "What, you think I want that pervert to get tranqued less often?"

A/N: That was a hard chapter to write! Akai's getting targeted by Kogoro! I feel sorry for him...

Next, a mystery rears its head (along with an abundance of exclaimation marks!) and Conan learns the hard way never to ride a motorcycle with Akai!