Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Tim sat in silence and listened to Jeff Buckley's voice swirl around his apartment, the smooth masculine voice in counterpoint to the constant gentle pitter patter of the rain hitting his apartment windows.
The song ended and after a minutes silence started up again on repeat. Tim sipped from the double shot of straight whiskey he nursed in his hand, the fiery warmth gently spreading through his body as he slowly relaxed deeper into his chair finally dropping his head to rest on the back of the chair.
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
He sat alone in his worn chair listening to the patterns in the rain wearing his comfy grey sweat pants, favorite worn soft MIT t- shirt and thick white socks.
It seemed so silly now how he had wrestled with himself about ……well everything. He had never appreciated his own peace of mind before and now he was savoring it. The whisky felt sharp to his senses but tasted smooth and so much sweeter than the taste of bile and saliva that had been his constant companion for days. He felt the great knots of twisted anxiety ease from around his shoulders and the doubts and regrets slowing releasing themselves from his stomach. The terror of impending violence eased from his mind as the reactive fight or flight instinct switched itself off and allowed him to relax.
Tim slowly swirled the whiskey around in its glass and studied the evaporation as the liquor danced over the ice.
And where had this great sense of peace come from? The medication to help him sleep? The counseling sessions? The support of his friends and team? The endless hours of self justification and analysis? The whiskey?
No
Timothy McGee had taken control of his life by seducing a man.
So simple really in some ways. And eternally complex in others.
Tim remembered the rush of power he felt as he realized how under his spell Commander Danforth was. In that moment he could change this mans life for the better and keep him out of jail if he could just get him to trust him.
And he had done it.
He had done it without guns or force or violence. He had used only the touch of his body, the sound of his voice and the lure of his words.
Timothy McGee was no helpless victim. He was a Special Agent for NCIS. And a damn good one at that.
Tim sat in his chair and studied his hand. No trembling. He tilted the glass slightly and watched the ice clink against the sides of the glass through the amber liquid. The bottle of Jack Daniels was back up on his top kitchen shelf and he knew he had no desire to pour himself anymore when this glass emptied. No it would await Gibbs eventual arrival as originally planned.
With a slight crack Tim rolled his shoulders, stretching slightly before settling his long limbs back into relaxed stillness and allowing his mind to wander.
The Laylan Brothers case was complete. Even though the case had been completed and the paperwork filed weeks ago only now did it finally feel resolved. Put simply between him and Tony they had done their jobs and now Shane and Bradley waited in jail for their trial dates. They wouldn't be a danger to anyone else because of what he and Tony had done.
Tim recognized now what had seemed ridiculous before. He had done the best he could in a strange situation and he had learned from the process.
That was all anyone could ask of him.
Tim suddenly grinned as a wave of surprise hit him again at his actions that afternoon.
He had been so confident. He had been completely in control. He had teased and taunted. He had licked up Commander Danforth's neck and felt him shudder with restrained desire. Where the hell had that come from?
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
He had even used some of the moves that Shane had forced on him. Oh yes he had learned alright but where Shane had been cruel and demanding Tim had tailored his seduction towards the tempting and alluring. He had caught Commander Danforth's slight assessing look and the tiniest hint of a curious smile in the elevator earlier that day. At first he hadn't thought anything of it but then he recognized what it was. What it meant.
Suddenly the implications of what that truth might mean to the case and to Linda's alibi had him contemplating what once would have been unthinkable.
How could he prove his theory? His gut instinct?
The thought of explaining to Gibbs left him feeling uncertain and almost nauseous. Hey Gibbs I think Commander Danforth is secretly gay…and I also believe he is attracted to me. Do you think I could somehow use that to break down Linda's alibi?
When he had finally asked Gibbs in Observation if he could speak to the Commander he wasn't sure if Gibbs would agree. He hadn't gone into specifics about what he was going to do either mostly because he wasn't sure if he could go through it. When Gibbs had nodded he had turned immediately towards the door not wanting Gibbs to see the terror etched across his face.
How on earth did you go about specifically seducing anyone, let alone a male navy Commander?
But then after the initial preliminaries he found himself crouched next to Bobby, inviting his confidence, smiling sweetly into the anxious mans eyes and boldly running his hand up his warm thigh. Bobby's breath had hitched but he didn't throw him against the wall either so Tim had continued the slow, gentle sweep up, the words spilling confidently from his mouth.
It was then that Tim found himself thinking of Tony, trying to channel his confidence and easy sexual grace. He had seen Tony flirting with woman more times than he could count and he was always so strong and confident in his own desirability. That confidence was perhaps his most attractive quality, along with his cheeky grin.
The thought that Tony was watching him, his bumbling Probie from behind the glass in Observation simply inspired a more lascivious performance. Undoubtedly Tony was going to give him grief for this so he better make sure it worked. There was no point holding back now. It was sex god or bust from here on in.
It was as he nibbled on the Commanders ear, whispering confidences and promises of safety that he noticed the rich smell of unfamiliar aftershave. There was an instant where Tim found himself wondering what Tony would smell like that close? Warm? Masculine? Spicy? And then as Tim licked his lips and slowly dragged his teeth across his full bottom lip while Bobby watched fascinated he found himself wondering what Tony would taste like? Salty? Soft? Like coffee?
It was Tony's fine Italian shirt Tim was visualizing as he stood behind Bobby and slid his hand around his collar and started undoing the top two buttons one by one claiming his skin with his sensitive fingertips.
Tim sat in his chair and considered the cracks in his white ceiling paint.
That was normal right? So he had a bit of a hero worship thing going on with Tony. The man had taught him a lot and he knew that Tim admired him for all the qualities he didn't possess himself. Tim was modeling himself on Tony that was all, trying to learn from him, to become a better agent.
Besides when it came to seduction he didn't know anyone better to emulate than Tony. Even if he was using his moves on a man.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
When Bobby had finally broken Tim had felt nothing but relief. His wild gamble had paid off and he found himself grinning and searching the mirrored glass for the face he knew he couldn't see to share his excitement.
Gibbs had even clapped him on the back when he joined the rest of the team in Observation. Tim felt his jubilation sour as he remembered the look on Tony's face afterward. That was the only thing that had dulled his triumph. Tony hadn't been able to hide his shock and his revulsion. He had felt Tony's eyes curiously following him all afternoon as if he had somehow shed his skin and revealed some strange new creature underneath. Well perhaps he had? Perhaps this new Timothy McGee could walk on the wild side a little and come back not so burned next time.
And if Tony couldn't handle it well then that was his problem.
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
Loosing Tony's respect left a bitter taste in his mouth and Tim found himself trying not to dwell on it. He wasn't really sure he had Tony's respect before all this. There had always been a strange sort of distance between them. As if just as he got close Tony would always pull out the jokes and the teasing as if to put him back into his place as the underling, the junior agent.
But times had changed and he wasn't the shy Probational Agent from Norfolk anymore.
Perhaps this was what growing up was all about? Choosing to let some people go and embrace others? Perhaps Tony was destined to drift away until he eventually became simply an acquaintance, a work colleague?
Sure he could still work with Tony but what he wanted was to be more than that. He wanted to be his friend. He wanted to know what made Tony tick and why sometimes when he thought no one was looking he would have that soft smile on his face. It was a smile he never saw him use with anything else and Tim had never had the guts to ask Tony what he was thinking about when he saw it.
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
The rain seemed to be easing outside, the gentle staccato of the drops against the glass becoming more intermittent. The apartment also seemed to feel colder and Tim considered getting up and pulling on a sweat shirt. That effort for now seemed too much and Tim remained sunk deep in his chair staring out into space as the song quietly looped again in the background.
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
There was a hesitant soft knock at the door and with a long suffering sigh at his peace being disturbed Tim stood, placed his drink on the desk and went to answer it.