Soon after Okita went into Super Angry Sadist Mode, and after sacrificing the female officer to the great demon taco gods (oh yes, they're scary) he passed out again and was put in on of the un-crashed squad cars and one of the unlucky police officers, named Bakako, was given the job to drive him home.

What most people don't know is that when Okita sleeps without that creepy blindfold that he has, he starts to do weird things.

"Akuma," Okita muttered from the passenger seat.

"What?" Bakako asked, because that what people tend to do when they don't hear things.

"Akuma!" Okita exclaimed, his eyes darting to a half-open, zombie (or should I say zombrow) state.

"What are you talking about?" Bakako muttered. He didn't want to be here, driving the Shinsemgumi's brat home.

Okita suddenly lashed out at the man, who, in dodging, lost half of his hair. Well Bakako was extremely surprised and henceforth ran into a very random fat man that was crossing the street.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Bakako exclaimed, not bothering to stop for the random fat man he had just ran over.

"Must…destroy…akuma!" Okita exclaimed, lashing out at Bakako again.

"Ekkkkk!" Bakako exclaimed, losing the other half of his hair. Well this was quite enough for Bakako, so he calmly pulled the car over to the curb like a spastic fish on crack (yay! Oxymoron!) and dashing out of the car.

But running away isn't enough to stop Okita.

"Innocence activate, level two!" Okita exclaimed, "Giant exploding bazooka purifier of metaly death!"

"What part of that is purifying?!" Bakako exclaimed, running away from all the bazooka blasts.

Just as one of the blasts was about to hit Bakako, Hijikata randomly appeared and, like a ninja, grabbed Bakako around the waist and out of the way of the blast.

Hijikata smirked, "You're lucky I came at this time I-," Hijikata glanced down at Bakako's body, "Ah, I was too late." He then noticed that all the bystanders were staring at him weird. "Don't worry, Sougo sometimes thinks he's from a different anime when he falls asleep unprepared."

The bystanders continued to stare at him weird.

"What?!"

"Speedos! He's wearing Speedos!" an innocent old granny exclaimed.

Hijikata looked down at his lower half and, indeed, his pants had fallen down in the blast, to revel his shiny and sparkly gold bomb-absorbing Speedos.

After turning a deep shade of red, he quickly pulled up his pants, and discarded the dead body of Bakako, to turn and face Okita.

Okita gave a creepy smile, "We meet again, Skin Bolic."

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "How come I'm the ugly guy?!"

"Because truth is truth, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, completely normally.

Hijikata looked dumbfound, "Oi, oi, oi! When did you become normal?!"

"I was normal the whole time," Okita responded, "I just didn't like that guy very much." Okita pointed to Bakako. "He stared at me strange when I was sleeping."

Hijikata sweat-dropped.

There was a moment of silence before Okita finally said, "Innocence activate, level two! Giant exploding bazooka purifier of metally death!" Okita fired his bazooka at Hijikata.

Hijikata tripped/dodged the giant bullet that flew toward his head.

"Sorry Hijikata-san, my left eye sensed an Akuma, and I couldn't take the chance that it was you," Okita explained.

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, doing a sweeping kick much like the one Kagura did to break Okita's leg, except the difference was that she succeeded.

"Hijikata-san," Okita said, "I don't feel well. Take me home."

"You know most people wouldn't say that so monotoned. That statement is completely unrealistic. At least put some more effort into it."

"But Hijikata-san, wouldn't it seem more fake if I put more effort. Children these days tend to put too much effort into lies, and it's going to end up ruining this country."

"Isn't kids putting effort into things good?"

"Don't agree with the man."

"We are the man."

"That's why I'm telling you not to agree with yourself. Because you're stupid." Okita explained.

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, grabbing Okita by his collar, "I'll maim you!"

"Don't touch me Hijikata-san, you might infect me with mayo."

"Stop being so mean to mayonnaise!" Hijikata yelled, "It is a delicious condiment that can be used with anything (actually I prefer mustard : ) )!"

"H-Hijikata-san!" Okita exclaimed, "S-Stop yelling at me!"

"Why, are you gonna cry?" Hijikata jokingly asked. But then he felt something wet dripping on his hand.

He looked up to see if it was raining, but it wasn't. He then looked down at Okita's face, which was streaming tears, and his eyes looked completely terrified.

"Oi! Sougo! What's wrong?!" Hijikata exclaimed, releasing Okita from his grip.

"Oh, nothing much," Okita responded, "Though you kind of wrinkled my shirt. I expect you to pay for the dry-cleaning."

"You asshole!" Hijikata yelled, grabbing Okita by the hair, and swinging his fist at Okita's face.

Okita closed his eyes and prepared for the punch but he didn't feel it come. He opened one eye to see what was going on, and only saw Hijikata's face nearing his, "Oi! What are you doing?!"

Hijikata put his forehead up to Okita's, "You have a fever," he muttered.

There was a moment of silence.

"And you smell like mayonnaise," Okita responded.

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, "If you weren't sick, I'd beat you up right now."

"Like you could."

"You're really pushing my buttons."

"It's not good to tell me such sexual desires."

"That's it!" Hijikata exclaimed, about to punch Okita, but he had already gotten up and walked away.

"Bye-bye Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "I'm going home." He threw an red object to Hijikata. "Here. Have an apple/strawberry."

Hijikata caught the apple/strawberry and examined it, "Oi! Why is this fruit ticking?!… Oh well. Needs mayonnaise." Then all of a sudden it hit him. "Sougo you damn brat!"

When Okita got back home (which was really the Shinsemgumi headquarters, because that's where all the officers live… I think) he had gone to bed and set his mental alarm clock for 2:55 a.m., and it was finally that time.

He begrudgingly opened his eyes, but was surprised to feel something heavy on his chest. He took off his blindfold and was even more surprised to see that the heavy thing was Hijikata. What was he doing sleeping on top of him? Okita knew that he was a bit of a pervert but trying to get in bed with people while they're sleeping is a pretty big low. He'd have to remember that in his next attempt to kill Hijikata.

But there was no time for that. He had to go get the mayonnaise bomb (you've heard of an atomic bomb! you've heard of a mustard bomb! but now we have the mayonnaise bomb!) from Katsura.

He tried to maneuver around Hijikata, and he was doing pretty well, until he felt a tickle in his nose and…

"ACHOO!" Okita exclaimed.

Hijikata jolted up, his eyes looking straight at Okita, "What's wrong?"

"What do you think is wrong?" Okita asked, "I wake up to a weirdo pervert in my bed, and you have the nerve to ask me what's wrong?! I was mortified. You've scared me for life, how does that make you feel?"

"You little bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, "I originally came here to chew you out for that stupid apple/strawberry/bomb, but when I got in here you were gasping for breath and your fever was really bad! It was only human to help you out! Sorry I fell asleep saving your life!"

It was at this time Okita noticed the cold rag on his forehead, and he actually felt kind of grateful towards Hijikata, but he wasn't going to let him know that, "You drama queen. Leave me be when I'm sleeping! I don't want your help!"

"You little-" Okita got out of his bed and started to walk away. "Oi! Where are you going?!"

"I gotta pee," Okita responded, walking out the door."

"Oi! Wait up!"

"What?"

"I…gotta go too."

Okita glared at him, "You just want to come so that you can see my penis, don't you?"

"No, you damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "I'm just… awake now… and it's night… and I'm kinda scared of being by myself."

Okita stared at him blankly before sprinting down the hallway, leaving poor Hijikata all alone.

"S-Sougo!" Hijikata exclaimed, looking out of the doorway, "D-Don't leave me all alone!" Hijikata staggered over to a corner and curled up into a ball, "Don't worry Toshi, he'll be right back… You'll be fine."

Then all of a sudden Hijikata's Smegal side appeared, "No, Toshi-kun, we must kill master, and we must take precious!"

"Stop talking to me! I don't know who the master is! Leave me alone! I don't want the precious!"

"Must get precious from master!"

"Who the hell is master?!"

"Master has brown hair and he is young and is short. He is very, very short."

"No! You couldn't be talking about Sougo!"

Smegal paused for a second, "Yeah, sure, that's him. We must kill Sougo and we must take the precious!"

Eventually Hijikata gave into Smegal's persuasion, "Yes we must kill to get precious."

After only a few minutes, Okita had successfully got the mayonnaise bomb from Katsura and was heading back to his room. He was actually kind of glad that Hijikata was there. He was staring to feel bad again and Hijikata's mother-like attitude toward the sick was actually nice.

"Oi, Hijikata-san! I'm back!" Okita exclaimed, about to go through the paper door.

But suddenly a blade came through it and Okita trip/dodged it and was now on the floor of the patio.

"Must kill master," Hijikata muttered though the inside of the door, "Must get precious."

Okita stared at him, "Oi, Hijikata-san, did we switch bodies." Okita looked down at his hands. "Ah. No."

Suddenly Hijikata leaped on top of Okita in a somewhat sexual way, "I want your precious!"

Okita then realized what he thought was going on, "You want my virginity! You weirdo! At least don't do it out here in the cold! Don't you have any sense of romance! You're supposed to get me drunk first!"

Well Smegal Hijikata obviously has never had a hint of sex in his entire life, so he just ignored what Okita said, and banged his head against the ground."

"Oi, Hijikata, my head is bleeding. Bleeding. You're really bad at sex, aren't you?"

Smegal Hijikata reached into Okita's shirt.

"Well now you're getting somewhere."

"I got it!" Smegal Hijikata exclaimed, holding the mayonnaise bomb, "I got the precious!"

He then ran off like Smegal to his room.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "That's…Oh well." Okita tried to get up from the veranda, but he realized it wasn't worth the effort. "Too tired." And with that said he fell asleep.

The next morning Kondo woke up to find an unconscious Okita in a pool of blood outside his room and an unconscious Hijikata covered in ash inside of his room.

"Could this get any stranger?"

Author: and yes it could, replied the, author who had just figured out how to use the liney separation things, yes it could.

Thank you, people who read this story you (and other things)

Are the reason that I writer these things

P.S. I do not own Gintama, if I did I would be a lot more famous then I was now.