Dreams can be annoying bastards. At least this is what Okita learned. He was happily sleeping in a giant plate of bacon, when a pink and purple unicorn came up to him.

"Hey, Sougo! Let's go to Candy Mountain!" the pink one exclaimed.

"Candy Mountain!" the purple one mimicked.

Okita stared at the two blankly, before pulling a bazooka out of nowhere and blowing their brains out.

Indeed, dreams can be annoying bastards. (There is a moral to this, believe me.)

Okita woke up to the smell of smoke, and the sight of a giant black-haired mayo monster sitting next to him.

Okita sat up and flicked the cigarette out of Hijikata's mouth.

"Oi! What was that for?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"You can give yourself cancer when I'm not around to receive the secondary smoke," Okita explained, "Now get your ass out of my room."

"We're still banned, you damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "In fact our sentence has been doubled."

"Why, what did you do?"

"Oi! How come this is suddenly my fault? You don't even know how I was going to respond!"

"Hijikata-san, look at yourself. Everything in the world is your fault. Even the Loch Ness monster."

"How's that… I don't want to know," Hijikata mumbled, "Kondo walked in on us 'having sex'."

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "What did you do to me? I better not be pregnant! You're paying child support!"

"I didn't do anything, it was a misunderstanding," Hijikata explained, "Kondo is an idiot."

"I didn't know we were having a point-out-the-obvious contest!" Okita exclaimed, "My turn! Hijikata-san is going to die in seven days!"

"Eh?"

Okita handed Hijikata a video, "Just watch this and when a zombie-like girl from a well comes to you, don't run. Let her get you…she's nice (sarcasm is a fun thing)."

"You annoying bastard! I saw that movie too!"

"Did you scream?"

"O-Of course not!"

"Hijikata-san is scared of the well-lady!" Okita yelled at the top of his lungs.

Hijikata covered Okita's mouth with his hands, "Quiet! It's embarrassing! If word gets out that I'm afraid- Ow! You bit me!"

"Next time your hand comes off," Okita responded.

"I'm leaving!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom," Hijikata muttered, walking out of the door.

"Have fun!" Okita exclaimed.

Hijikata stared at him awkwardly, before shaking his head and leaving the room.

"I'm bored," Okita muttered after about two seconds. He walked over to the radio (the TV had been confiscated) and turned it on. Playing was Okita's favorite song: Single Ladies by Beyonce, and he new the dance moves by heart. (If you don't know what the music video is, the dance consists of many pelvic and chest thrusts, among other seductive dance moves.)

"Ahh, that was a good pee," Hijikata muttered, opening the door to Okita's room, "Sougo, I-," And that's when he noticed Okita dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies. "I-I-I-I…"

Now most people (particularly males) might stop dancing and start blushing when caught dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies, but Okita isn't most people, "Yo, Hijikata-san, wanna be my back up dancer?"

"I-I-I-I-I," Hijikata stuttered.

"A simple no would have worked."

Hijikata's hormones couldn't take this much more, so he quickly ran back out the door and shut it, while his nose bled rivers.

Kondo had been randomly walking down the hallway and saw that Hijikata was out of Okita's room, "Oi, Toshi! What are you doing out of Sougo's room?"

"I couldn't take it anymore, Kondo," Hijikata muttered, "It's just to much for me… That kid just keeps teasing me. Kondo make him stop!"

"Alright, Toshi, I'll see what Sougo's up to," Kondo responded, not thinking that Okita couldn't really do anything to be that sexually appealing. He walked into Okita's room. Okita had just entered the near ending scene where the dance goes all-out.

"Yo, Kondo, do you wanna be my back up dancer?"

Kondo quickly ran back out the door and shut it, his nose bleeding rivers, "That would turn any straight man gay."

"Ya," Hijikata responded.

There was a moment of silence.

"Wanna…you know…check if he's finished?" Hijikata asked.

"Yeah, because it's not like we want to see him dance or anything," Kondo responded.

"Because that would be completely inappropriate."

"Yeah!"

Hijikata and Kondo opened the door dramatically at the same time, like it they were doing a brave thing or something. But when they entered the door they were surprised to see Okita collapsed on the floor.

"Oi! Sougo! What happened?!" Kondo exclaimed.

"Kondo-san my head hurts," Okita complained.

"This is your fault, Toshi!" Kondo exclaimed, picking up Okita, "You and your sex!"

"We never had sex!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Then how else could he be like this?! You gave him AIDS didn't you! You murdered my son!"

"He's not dead!" Hijikata exclaimed, "And he's not your son! Oi, Sougo, speak up for yourself!"

"Hijikata-san did it," Okita mumbled, "He killed me."

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Oh no, my poor Sougo!" Kondo exclaimed, "Don't worry, I'll get revenge on Toshi! I'm going to go report him to the police!"

"Oi, Kondo-san you are the police."

"Don't talk, Sougo!" Kondo exclaimed, squeezing Okita in a large literally breath-taking hug, "You'll only kill yourself more!"

"Kondo-san…" Okita gasped through the hug, "You're the one killing me more."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Kondo, dropping Okita and running out the door, "I'll find the police!"

Hijikata glared at Okita, "You did this on purpose didn't you, brat?"

"Leave me alone," Okita muttered, curling himself up into a ball.

"Oi, answer me properly you brat!" Hijikata stomped on Okita (like many Gintama characters do to each other).

"Stop it Hijikata-san! I-I-I…" Okita started to sob loudly.

"I'm not falling for it again!" Hijikata responded, "The moment that I feel worried for you you're just gonna reply with one of your smartass comments!"

Okita continued to sob.

"You're a persistent bastard, aren't you?" Hijikata pulled Okita up by his hair, "If you don't stop all of your hair is coming out."

Okita just stared at Hijikata with a frightened face.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Respond! Lash out at me! Hit my nose with a newspaper! Do something!"

"H-Hijikata-san, l-let me go!" Okita sobbed.

Hijikata stared at Okita's face. His eyes were full of tears and his cheeks were red but the rest of his face was very pale. Hijikata released Okita. Okita tried to crawl to bed, but he collapsed again.

"Oi, Sougo!" Hijikata exclaimed, dashing over to him, and feeling his forehead, "Damn it!" Hijikata positioned Okita on his back. "We have to get you to a doctor!"

"Whoo, horsey ride!" Okita exclaimed

"YOU DAMN BRAT!!!!!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Oi, faster you ass!" Okita exclaimed, kneeing Hijikata in the back.

"I WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!" Hijikata yelled, flipping Okita off of his body.

"Don't be so rough, Hijikata-san. The fever is real."

"Really?"

"Yes," Okita responded, "My flashlight ran out of batteries and stoves are dangerous, so I couldn't have faked this."

Hijikata felt Okita's head again.

"You just like touching me, don't you?" Okita asked.

"Shut up you bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Get to bed, if you keep on stressing your body so much you might develop pneumonia."

"What's pneumonia, mother?" Okita asked, pronouncing the 'p' in pneumonia.

"Shut up you brat, you know what it is!"

"It's no nice to yell at people who have pantheritious."

"It's pneumonia."

"Polygon."

"Pneumonia."

"Papaya."

"Pneumonia."

"Pineapple."

"Pneumonia."

This most (not) interesting conversation was soon interrupted by the voice of a very lazy silver-haired samurai.

"Oi, mayonnaise assassin! Where are you?" Gin exclaimed, "Ah, this isn't working. Kagura go set the bear traps with mayonnaise."

"You heard him Shinpachi!" Kagura responded.

"Oi! He asked you!" Shinpachi exclaimed.

"Go or I'll get Sadaharu to crap on your head!"

"Yes Gura, sir!"

"Stay here," Hijikata said to Okita, "When I get back I expect you to be in bed."

"Yes, I'll start counting," Okita crawled into bed and pulled on his blindfold, "First corpse of Hijikata. Second corpse of Hijikata."

"Would you stop that?!"

"…Third corpse of Hijikata."

"Ah, I don't even car anymore!" Hijikata exclaimed, walking out to where the three main idiots were. "What do you bastards want?!"

"Ah, Hijikata is as cold as ever," Gin responded.

"Oi!" Kagura exclaimed, "Go for the mayonnaise bear traps! Shinpachi worked hard to put those up! And I'm not a bastard, I'm a bitch, you bastard!"

"Why the hell are you here?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"Did you lose this?" Gin pulled Kondo from behind his back, "He came to us thinking we were the police. It's best to keep your pets on leashes."

"No, don't trust him! He's a son murderer!" Kondo exclaimed.

"Geez, what are you rambling on about again?" Gin sighed, "Hijikata, did you kill Okita?"

"No, you bastard!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"There, case closed," Gin decided, "Now I can get back to my JUMP."

"That is a negitiory, Gin," Shinpachi said.

"Eh? Why."

"Sadaharu peed on it!"

"That damn mutt! I'm gonna skin him!" Gin exclaimed, "Come on Shinpachi, Kagura, we're going home!"

"You can't leave me alone with him!" Kondo exclaimed, "He might go after me next!"

"Oi! Get off my leg!" Gin exclaimed, "Come on guys- Eh? Where'd Kagura go?"

That question was soon answered by a loud yell from Okita's room.

"KING ME!!!!!" Kagura yelled.

Everyone dashed over and open the Okita's room and open the room's door.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "I can't king you! We're playing monopoly!"

"KING ME!!!!!" Kagura yelled again.

"YOU JUST DON'T WANNA PAY UP BECAUSE YOU LANDED ON MY HOTEL!!!!!" Okita yelled.

They then both threw random punches at each other. Everyone, besides the two said idiots, stared down at the game board. Candy Land.

Author: So I was bored at school, and started to wonder what it would be like if I were friends with Okita. I decided it would go something like this:

Momo (that's me!) was changing into her clothes to go to school. She was just in her undergarments when suddenly Okita ran into her room without knocking.

"Momo- Is this a bad time?" Okita asked.

We stare at each other for a long time until I blink.

"Dammit!" Momo exclaimed.

"So, anyway-," Okita started.

"Wait, since I'm practically naked, it's a little awkward that you're not. So if you could please strip, that would be nice."

Okita then obediently takes off all his clothes besides his boxers and continues on with what he had to say, "Carnivores eating herbivores is on Animal Planet."

"Oh my god! Why didn't you say that to begin with?"

"I tried!"

"No time for talking!"

They both run out of Momo's room and plop in front of the TV (still only in their underpants) and watch the latest episode, FAT MAN EATING A VEGETARIAN.

All of a sudden Hijikata walks in and stares at the strange site for a few second, decides he doesn't even want to know what's going on, and walks away. Silly Hijikata. He'd never understand.

P.S. I don't own Gintama, if I did I'd have a fetish for mayonnaise and think that strawberry milk is a lot sweater than it is.